Breakfast Taco Fragments

Holy smokes, it's almost my birthday and I haven't posted in a while. I live in South-Central Texas and it's a shame that it's isn't known as the Taco Mecca of the world...because it is. 

There are many reasons to despise living in Texas. The heat, the stupid and pointless Texas "pride", the politics, etc., etc. but one of the wonderful things about living in this neck of the woods of Texas is the ubiquitous nature of tacos; and the star of the taco show, to me, must be breakfast tacos. (that's a lot of commas in a sentence....I might have broken a record).  I think in the past 20 years or so, the rest of the nation is starting to catch on to the fact that beakfast tacos really are one of the best things on earth.

If I am trying a new place, I gotta try a bean and cheese, it's how I judge a taco place. It's how I roll. It's also my favorite taco. 

Here are my favorite breakfast tacos: 

1. Bean & Cheese (this is a little like saying the Beatles are your favorite band so shut your filthy mouth). 

2. Bacon & Egg 

3. Potato, Egg & Cheese

4. Papas Ranchera

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My wife is a pico girl but I can be a little all over the place, I am very flexible when it comes to salsa. If a roasted salsa is available, I'll usually go for that but a fresh red salsa is fine too and a hot green salsa can never do me wrong either.  I have been absolutely obsessed with Cholula sauce of late....but I'll use anything in a pinch and it's a cardinal sin to judge someone's salsa or hot sauce preference in my estimation. It's very personal. 

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The pandemic made me miss a ton of things from work, but one of the small pleasures of work was coming into the office kitchen and catching free donuts or tacos that someone had been nice enough to bring in.  You knew your day was off to the right start, especially if I had been in too big of a rush to eat anything before leaving for work. Ahhh...the old days....

Here are TWO taco stories (two for one).  

It was the late 90's and it was late at night. I was at a place called Chacho's. It has always been overrated but the late 90's was their heyday. Somewhere, my wife has a photo of me with a tortilla on my face (with holes cut out for my eyes) at Chacho's (this was before we were dating, so it's pretty incredible she ever wanted to date me after this happened). Anyway, this was a different time from that, and  I was hanging with my buddies. I don't remember who was all there but it was likely the usual suspects. We might have been drinking or coming from a bar. Chacho's had a jukebox and one of us got an idea. An awful, evil idea. (hat tip to the Grinch). 

This was also the heyday of the "Macarena". It was everywhere. I mean freaking everywhere. It was at the point where it was almost a joke when it came on and most people were "over" the song. Well, our idea was to purchase the song at least 10 times and just leave the restaurant, leaving the other patrons to suffer. I honestly don't remember how many times we bought the song but it was a lot. Some could say it was cruel, it still makes me laugh, imagining how people reacted. 

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This story was sometime post-2000....I believe it was my friend Phillip, Toby and Jeff. We all went out to a dancing club. I remember making eyes at a  girl but we didn't dance, I was too chicken to ask.  It was one of those fancy clubs, where I always feel out of place and they made you have your shirt tucked in.  Anyway, Phil said we JUST HAD TO TRY this incredible hole-in-the-wall restaurant for tacos afterward. 

You see, here in South Texas, if you're out late at night dancing and/or drinking, the proper way to close out the evening is with tacos (many of which will be breakfast tacos). It's not required but it's pretty much standard procedure, an expectation to be sure. So, we get to this tiny little place called Los Brazos. It must have been at least 1:00 or 1:30 AM when we arrived. The restaurant was indeed tiny, it had room for maybe, five or six tables. Easily, the smallest restaurant I have ever been to. I was impressed but then again, I was also probably drunk. Anyway, we were all perusing the menu when something terrifying occurred. I looked down to find that a cockroach had crawled from my leg into my lap. I panicked. I immediately jumped up and I used the menu to hit the roach off my lap while yelling, "Oh, Shit!" The roach scurried off in the direction of the kitchen. We should have definitely left the restaurant as we hadn't ordered but we were kinda drunk so we all laughed and ordered our tacos anyway. 

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Anyway, I am set to get some tacos for my birthday in the morning. It will hit just right. So, go on, go get some breakfast tacos or at least go make some and text an old friend you haven't talked to in a long time, you probably won't regret it. 

Poem Post: An old poem

Hey poem lovers!

I haven't posted an old poem here in a good long while. I was digging around in my old favorite poetry book and here's a poem I still quite like. I am pretty sure this was written late in college, trying to inspire myself to do something with my life. Because I can basically never stop (Excuse me, I suffer from GLS - George Lucas Syndrome)...I just added a few lines to make it "better".


and if they try to frighten me with tales of woe,
so be it I say,
for it is better to have lived
than to walk amongst the dead.
and if I fall and fail,
so be it I say,
for it is better to have fallen
than to be scared away.
and if they tell me I will learn to regret and only turn grey,
so be it I say,
for it is better to hope even if you've lost your way.


It's kinda got all my hallmarks...and honestly, there's still in my writing style today... it's a heart-on-my-sleeve, simple and, well, adolescent in outlook.

It just happens that way. I wish I could be deep, smart and moody (I'm just that way in real life).

Cheers to all of you in the nether-world of the internet, may this good will wishing find you well and may you day be easy and warm. 

Mix-Tape #3 - The Concept Album

I wrote an ode to mix tapes a few years ago here and then after I found another track-list, I wrote a follow-up here. Now, it seems like I am finishing up a trilogy of posts about mix tapes with this post.  

I recently re-discovered another mix CD in one of my old CD cases. I had never really forgotten about this mix CD but it's been sitting in its sleeve for years, unloved and un-listened to.  I never had much reason to listen to it after I made it (early 2001). Subsequently, I never really tied this mix into my whole "track down every mix tape/CD" before the world ends blogging activity. 

Between the years of 1997-2002 I was a romantic relationship to friendship to somewhere in between romance and friendship with Marie. It was the typical young love, long-distance, on-and-off again type stuff.  I was committed to making it work, even if that meant giving space, being a friend and generally not moving on with the rest of my life. Don't try that at home, folks.

Eventually, this was finally resolved when I started dating my wife. Some of this is covered in epic fashion here for those suckers interested.

 I titled this mix (in hastily written permanent marker) "Concept Album - Mix 2000-2001".  The CD was created as cathartic exercise in healing from my heartbreak over Marie. Honestly, if you look at the track list I think  you'll agree it was clearly so cathartic that it became over-indulgent.  For heaven's sake, there's 19 songs. It's like eating too much soft-serve ice cream, it ultimately just doesn't sit well. I was in my early twenties, so cut me a break. Here's the track list broken into the themes for the sake of convenience. 


Part I
1. Ash - "Walking Barefoot"
2. The  La's - "There She Goes"
3. Sloan -  "I Can Feel It"
4. James Taylor - "Country Road"
5. Eric Clapton - "You Look Wonderful Tonight"
Part II
6. Green Day - Scattered Pictures
7. Breeders - Do You Love Me Now?
8. Fountains of Wayne - "Troubled Times"
9. Duncan Sheik - "Barely Breathing"
10. Elvis Costello - "Everyday I Write the Book"
Part III
11. Peaches & Herb - "Reunited"
12. Foo Fighters - "Up In Arms"
13.  Tom Petty - "The Wait"
Part IV
14. Everclear - "So Much For the Afterglow"
15. Ben Folds Five - "Evaporated"
16. The Beatles - "I'm Thinking Through You"
17. The Rentals _ "Say Goodbye Forever"
18.Coward - "I Don't Care"
19 Foo Fighters - "M.I.A."

(Insert embarrassing emoji here)

Thinking of this track selection almost twenty years later I find this mix overly earnest and entirely too long.  While I do like the whole idea of theme, rather than collecting the songs that were personally important to me, it looks as though I settled on trying to capture every possible angle on ALL of my feelings. This is what kills the album.

Also, Duncan Sheik? Embarrassing....

Ok, ok, I still kinda like that song....

Ahem....a surprising aspect about this album was that I included Sloan's 'I Can Feel It". This is a song I have long associated with my wife, in fact I had it playing when I proposed to her. It's funny how memory works, as soon as I started blogging on this mix, I uncovered memory of myself singing this song in my dorm room, of course thinking about Marie. But up until this rediscovery, I had convinced myself that my only attachment to this song was through my wife. It seems my brain had conveniently wiped away any associations I had with Marie and this song and dumped them in favor of associations with my wife. 

Finally, I think the mix suffers from too many disparate parts, it feels almost manic-like in its need to catalog "hey, here's a song, oooh, whatabout this song?"  From Green Day to Tom Petty to Peaches and Herb....I just think it's too jarring of a listening experience.  

Because I can't leave good enough alone, I succumbed to my temptations and made a new edit of my concept album. This time I used songs that I associated with Marie at the time (and still do). You might ask yourself, "Why bother?"; and that's a pretty good question. It's just with somethings in life I have to get it just right....and this is one of them.

Notable changes included exchanging Ash's "Walking Barefoot" for Ash's "Oh Yeah".  I had included "Oh Yeah" on Marie's first mix-tape (which just came to me in a flash and is mysteriously missing from my blog post about its creation...???). "Oh Yeah" is a romantic song about a summer love and the chorus repeats, "Oh yeah, she was taking me over and oh yeah, it was the start of the summer". After Marie had heard the tape she asked me, "So, am I taking you over?" That's one of  those lovely little memories that I've retained from that summer.

I also added Jimmy Eat World's heartbreaking "Your House". It fit so well, it's hard to leave it off.

I was also quite smitten with Ben Fold Five's "Emaline" and "Evaporated". They seemed to speak to me in a way that other songs couldn't. They were a big part of my life between 1997-2000.  I decided to keep Peaches and Herb as I find it kinda cute and I remember it vaguely being the inspiration to create my own concept album.

So, here would be my 2018 edit, trimmed and more focused:

1. The La's - "There She Goes"
2. Ash - "Oh Yeah"
3. Ben Folds Five - "Emaline"
4. Breeders - "Do you Love Me Now?"
5. Elvis Costello - "Every Day I Write The Book"
6. Fountains of Wayne - "Troubled Times"
7. Peaches & Herb - "Reunited"
8. Foo Fighters - "Up in Arms"
9. Tom Petty - "The Wait"
10. Beatles - "Looking Through You"
11. Jimmy Eat World - "Your House"
12. Ben Folds Five - Evaporated

So, there ya have it, possibly my last post on mix-tapes. Then again, I am a pack rat, so  you never know!

Fragments of College - 8 Things that Happened

8. I was ticketed for noise pollution during our one official, cliché college keg party that my roommate and I hosted.  I had mistakenly forgotten that I had taken Benadryl before I had started drinking and lemme tell ya, that's a big mistake. Needless to say, people started turning the music up and I was passing out in the living room. My roommate drunk dialed his ex and he left to go get his hook up. The next thing I know I look up and a police officer is in my apartment. Luckily a friend walked me out and held me up as I received my ticket.  As  I walked back into my apartment, I held the ticket aloft and said, "We got a ticket!" and promptly fell flat on my face and passed out. 

7. I stole a cardboard, life-size Worf from Jack in a Box.

Yes, this Worf.

6. I covered a neighbor's car with almost every food item in the fridge and cupboard one night in a frenzied giggle-fest with my roommate. Yes, we were drinking, and yes, he kinda deserved it. I totally felt guilty the next day.


5. I felt as if destiny was calling and I transferred to another university after two years (it turns out I just had eaten too much fried food).

4. I created my own short-film series, "The Wonderous Adventures of Blueguy" that became big events for my circle of friends (there were a total of 10 episodes). It was an ironic homage and love letter to Saturday morning cartoons - all starring toys. Some of my most beloved characters were "The Other Guy" and "Ketchup Monster".

3. I hosted a show with my friend on the our college radio station.

2. I had an idea to start a fake student club so I  could be a "president and founder" I had vague ideas about the "cover" for the club, so I went on down to the student life/activities department (or whatever it was called) to ask about filling out an application. However, I was overheard talking with the clerk or whoever it was by a board of trustee member (??) who pulled me into a board meeting (bunches of old white men) and declared what a great idea I had in front of the board. Needless to say, my cover was busted and I never showed up to our scheduled meeting. I regret this, when caught this badly, I should have doubled down.

1.  I ran for Student Body President as a protest candidate (I didn't win). I lost to an eventual US Congressman, but I still feel I had a better slogan, "The Under $20 dollar Campaign" (I was hugely into campaign finance at the time). 

Mix-Tape # 2: Forlorn Love in Early 21st Century

A little over a month ago, I wrote an ode to mix tapes when I discovered the track list for the first mix tape I had made my first love.

I found another track list in the same journal. So I'm back for more of the same. 

This mix tape was also to that first love (Marie) but a few years later. Our relationship at this point (I am estimating this was the spring of 2000) had run the gamut - together, broken up, in between, friends (kinda), back-together, broken-up, wistfully broken up but still friends, etc., etc. 

This found track list was in a rough draft of a letter explaining the tracks. It's incomplete and I am not sure if this ended up being a CD or tape. I was unsure what was more convenient for Marie at the time. I thought about giving Youtube links but they will eventually just expire, so just copy and paste them and take the two seconds. I promise you, some of these songs are awesome. Especially if you just been through a heart-break. 

1. Paul Simon - I am Rock

2. The Apples in Stereo - You Said That Last Night

3. Ben Folds Five - Emaline 

4. Radiohead - Black Star

5. Beatles - For No One 

6. Spoon - Car Radio

7. Sloan - Bells On

8. Coward - unspecified 

*Track 8 was probably Coward's "I'm Alright". 

I must have felt this was a "desperate times call for desperate measures" time. 

It was pathetic and ballsy all at the same time. It's equal parts sadness and defiance.  I was also sending her the not-so-subtle hint, "I'd take you back in a heart-beat".  If any track sums it all up, it's the Beatles "For No One" from Revolver. A great track that I had actually kinda forgotten about (Paul forgive me!). Another highlight is Radiohead's "Black Star" - crazy good song from a crazy good album. 

The only track that isn't themed is the Spoon track (off the under-rated "A Series of Sneaks"), which was purposefully placed to give her some much needed lift after "For No One" and then, the slow and sleepy, "Bells On" from Sloan (from "Twice Removed" another excellent 90's under-rated album in the US - but not in Canada). I think I could have found a more fitting song but I adored that song, so that could explain it. 

The Ben Folds track was very meaningful to me at the time. It described how I felt at the time to a tee (with some minor lyrical issues that were very specific to the song and not my life). Still a great track to this day. 

If you haven't heard of Coward it's because they were FOW/Weezer type band that bombed. Still that CD is a wonderful, cheesy guilty pleasure. It's S/T - pick it up if you enjoy "Power Pop". That particular song would make for a great stopping point for a short tape or CD or the end of side A 

Looking back, if there was a Side B,  I don't know where I would have gone from there. The only logically place would be straight-up love songs. I don't remember what the final product was and it's even likely my rough draft changed a bit (but most definitely made it). 

I have vague memories of eventually sending a CD instead of a tape but maybe that was yet ANOTHER mix-tape/CD. I remember I made a cover featuring this famous Van Gogh. Maybe it was another Van Gogh but this was what sprang to mind first. 

At the time we were living in separate cities so I sent some version of this sucker off in the mail to her. I have no recollection of how she responded, although I do know she listened to it (at least once). Time went by and....

It actually worked! The tape or CD worked! 

It kept me fresh in Marie's mind and gave me a puncher's chance at getting her back. During December of 2000, we almost got back together (well, at least for one night). Maybe I'm giving this tape/CD too much credit....but so what? Just let me just live with the idea that it changed everything. Some of this is briefly recounted at the end of this blog.  Mix-tapes and CD's are a lost art but they make for some great memories. 

I doubt I will find another track list of a mix CD or tape but you never know.....plus if I get really bored I still have a box of tapes I could listen to and find more treasures from the 90's. Until that day, make your own mix today and go ahead, burn a copy and give it to your lover. 

The Art of the Mix Tape or My Summer Love Mix-Tape of '97

This past summer, during the Epic Re-Flooring of 2015, I came across one of my old poetry notebooks from 1996-1999.  Everything was going in boxes or being thrown out and I was tempted to throw this bad boy of bad poetry into the recycle bin.

Something stopped me though. I felt that if I threw the notebook away, it would have been a rejection of a part of me. Sure, that aspect of me is long gone but it felt wrong and I wasn't ready to let it go. At least not yet. Well, months later and I am still organizing my bookshelf and I found that old notebook of poetry again.

The notebook has more than just poetry, it has thousands of doodles, notes, script ideas for my summer film projects, and to-do lists, etc. To my delight I discovered an old mix tape track-list that I had made for my girlfriend Marie in the summer of 1997.  We had gotten together in May of 1997 and it was the first time I had experienced love. I was head over heels and having the time of my life. So, what's a guy in the 90's supposed to do for the girl he loves? Yep, make a mix-tape.

This was one of my first experiments in making a mix-tape. I might have made one for Mikey but it was all so long ago, it's hard to remember. I would later become an expert at pacing my track list and adding surprising or funny content to add to the listener's experience.

Here's a clip from High Fidelity about the rules of making a mix tape, also I wanted to include it because it's a great movie.

I ended up seeing High Fidelity with Marie and it was kinda weird because we were in a in-between spot when we saw it and the subtext for us was just hanging over us once the movie ended.  

Before we get to the track list, I have to set up a little more of my background.

First, I was pretty new to rock music in general.  All the time in high school I should have been discovering rock history and listening to the Beatles and Pink Floyd I spent listening to awful country music and being generally un-musical. So, my knowledge base of rock music was shallow to say the least. I was into "alternative" but it was mainstream alternative. I simply wasn't aware of the depth and richness in alternative, punk, indie,  you name it, etc. If this had been two years later (after being a college radio DJ) my track listing would be much more expansive and include some curve balls.

Also, Marie wasn't into rock music either, so I wasn't going to go too crazy here. I remember thinking it was going to be basic and straight forward.  I spent hours coming up with the track list. Looking at the track list today it's hard to see where I was going with this. Was it an introduction to stuff I liked and hoped she would like? Was I sending her any messages? I'm not even sure I knew at the time. Anyhoo, here's the track list with my additional content.

1. "Dill Pickle Intro"
2.  Smashing Pumpkins - "Today"
3.  Beck - "Hot Wax"
4.  "Talk Intro"
5.  Weezer - "No Other One"
6.   Bush - "Comedown"
7.  "Helicopter intro" - Nirvana - "Lithium"
8.   Dean Martin - "You're Nobody till Somebody Loves You"
9.   "DJ Speak"
10. Foo Fighters - "Big Me"
11. James Taylor - "You've Got A Friend"
12. Blur - "Song 2"
13. "Rocket Intro" - Rentals - "Friends of P"
14. Smashing Pumpkins - "Galapagos"
15. "Yoda Scene"
16. Pearl Jam - "Better Man"

I have to say this track list is full of rookie mistakes. There is no overall theme and the selections are haphazard (James Taylor to "Song 2"?) I also hate the fact that Bush is on this list...why did I include Bush?  I also am perplexed as to why I didn't end with "Galapagos" as it's a love song and it would have been better than the oddly placed "Better Man".

I have no idea what the "Dill Pickle" intro is nor what I talked about at tracks 4 and 9. Maybe "Dill Pickle" was an inside joke but the world will never know.

I used an old pair of earphones as my microphone. I remember it sounding better than you might expect. I thought the fact that I had discovered how to record my voice on a standard stereo pretty awesome. To achieve my sound effect introductions (I overlapped sound effects over the beginning of tracks 7 and 13), I would run the sound effects CD on a second CD player while holding the mic up the speakers as I recorded the music from the actual attached CD player. It was creative and I think it gave the mix tape a feeling "what will he come up with next"?   I believe the "Yoda Scene" on track 15 was the whole "There is no try" speech from Empire, although Marie probably had no idea where that was from and why this character was speaking in such a weird voice.

I'm not sure if this was one side or maybe just a sixty minute tape. I thought about adding up the times but I don't care all that much.  I remember spending hours  on the creation of my mix tapes. I would try to squeeze the perfect fit of songs so that each side was balanced and the listener wasn't left with 45 seconds of silence before the end of one of the sides. It really is a lost art form.

My wife had a little fun at my expense as I told her the topic of this blog. I was lamenting the loss of the mix tape and she laughed and said, "I wouldn't say it's sad, people are still sharing music".

"Yeah, but not like I did it!"

Of course she replied, "Everything has a purpose for you". And that's true enough.  As the years went by my mix tapes would morph into mix CD's but the same effort was there, including snippets from TV or movies, adding vocal tracks to introduce songs or share something crazy or funny. It was a way of sharing who I was, whether it was my love interest at the time or just a friend. It was also a lot of fun.

I suppose you could put together a YouTube playlist but it just wouldn't be the same for me.

I have a warm memory of how I delivered this tape to Marie. It was one of those wonderful youthful summer days, when there wasn't much to do. I had finished the tape that afternoon and I just couldn't wait to give it to her. She was working at a local diner and I drove down to see her and give her the tape. I remember it was early evening and the sun was just starting it's descent as I drove to the diner. I was wearing my Kurt Cobain shirt and she said she liked it, although I think she was just being nice. I gave her the tape and sat on the bar stool for awhile, watching her work and making small talk, as time allowed.

I went home probably listening to one of the many mix tapes I put together for myself. There might not be very many mix tapes any more, but at least they're missed.

I found another track list - so, here's another blog post on another mix-tape! 

Fun With My Scanner: Casper: Grown Up

Working on a update of fragments. Also thinking about finishing up my Peru trip blogs (just thinking about it though, so don't get too excited).

In the meantime, I was scanning some personal ephemera and documents and came across this little gem. It dates from 1996 or 1997. I drew this picture in church of all places and passed it to my friend nearby who wrote the note at the top of the page.  For those scoring at home, Casper is sporting a "666" on his forehead and his t-shirt reads "Pervert".

Now, on the surface, it's just a silly little drawing.  Ok, it's stupid, but I was 19 or 20, ya know.

What turned this from a throw-away to a keepsake is who wrote back to me. 

It was from my friend, Mikey who passed away a few years after this was written. Isn't it funny how something so meaningless can turn into a treasure? I don't have many notes from Mikey so everything I have from her is precious to me.  A simply piece of paper that was seemingly destined for the trash but somehow rescued and now it "lives" on a bit longer than expected.

This brings me to the idea of changefulness. Buddhists would call it maya; that is, everything is an illusion. Most especially time and the temporary things we fill it with. I know this all too well. Everything is ephemeral, nothing is permanent.  And that's another one of those facts about the universe I am still struggling to understand and cope with. 

Comparatively speaking from the cosmological scale, I am a sentient piece of dust on a slightly larger dust ball floating in this massive soup of galaxies.  Everything we come in contact with today or tomorrow will cease to exist. Including this world and the star it orbits. I understand that's a long way off but still, major bummer.

I'm not Buddhist, but I get the whole non-attachment thing. I get it so well, I don't want to embrace it. I don't want to get rid of my attachments (clinging or non-clinging, even if it does create suffering).  I follow a Vicktor Frankel/Camus/Agnostic-Theist, eventually Christian position on the universe (at least I am trying) so, I have to make due with what I am and what I do have (even if it is temporary).

 In the meantime,  I hold onto my silly little things, treasuring my ephemeral existence surrounded by temporary objects, smiling back on all the eventually forgotten memories. Hey, at least it will get you a cheap laugh from time to time.

Paba Free Fragments

So one of my best friends and I had a falling out several years ago. It is sad, but it is what it is. When we were in college we applied for a 2-hour  radio show on our college radio station and created The Paba Free Show. It was fun. Here are the fragments:


It took us a long time to think of a name for our show. Nothing seemed to come naturally to us or maybe we were trying to hard to be clever. I came up with the name based off a comment from George on Seinfeld who was looking for a "Paba Free" suntan lotion. I was a massive Seinfeld show fan, so it felt right. Here is the whole exchange and inspiration for the name.

Jerry: Are these seats unbelievable or what?
George: Where’s the sunblock?
Jerry: Here.
George: 25? You don’t have anything higher?
Jerry: What, are you on Mercury?
George: I need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free.
Jerry: You got a problem with paba?
George: Yes, I have a problem with paba.
Jerry: You don’t even know what paba is.
George: I know enough to stay away from it.

Our college radio station's range was tiny. When I mean tiny, I mean if you were on the far side of campus, you couldn't pick up the AM frequency. We also had "FM-Cable" but you would have to plug in a cable, for the television into the back of your stereo, to hear it, if your stereo even had this slot, which was unlikely. No one could ever figure out if that was working or not because no body had this slot on the back of their stereo.

I found this googling the old station. This was never a door I used, it seems the station has moved once (or has been renovated) and maybe even twice. We had it old school with turntables, old school mics, and tons of old LP's. All of this was cramped in a tiny little space, in the back of a building where no one could find you if they tried. All the photos made me sad we never took a picture and sad because it means I am getting OLD.

Our first shows were awful as we learned the ropes of the technology. Eventually, I think we had some nice DJ moments, but the tapes of the early shows were pretty embarrassing.

It was such a cool thing to tell people at parties or where-ever, "yeah, we have a radio show on Fridays". You felt like such a bad-ass just saying it.  Honestly, I haven't had too many humble brags this good in my life. I still get reactions from people when I tell them I had a radio show in college, and they say something like, "That's awesome!"...and I'm like....(sounding like I don't think so)..."yeah.....I guess".

My friend and I were  power-pop fiends. Bands in our common rotation: Weezer, Fountains of Wayne, Spoon, Sloan, Superdrag, The Apples in Stereo, Nirvana, Sixteen Deluxe, Beck, Crumb, Frank Black and Tripping Daisy (yes, I am aware some of those artists are not "Power Pop"). I always told my friend to never play the singles from "big bands" like Nirvana or Weezer and to NEVER play R.E.M. but he would sneak them in when I went to the bathroom. Bastard.

 

Cool Power Pop image. I mean, this is cool right? Or maybe not. 

Our first semester we had the show on Saturday mornings (that was my friend's stupid idea) from 10:00-12:00, then we went to Sunday afternoon from 2:00-4:00 and finally found a good place on Friday afternoon's from 4:00-6:00. That was my favorite time slot. We would do our show, grab a bite to eat on Northgate (where all the best bars in College Station were), go home and hang out, get ready and go out for the night later. It was a nice routine that I always looked forward to. One week my friend was feeling frisky and decided to have a few beers during our show (obviously, a big school "no-no").  I was freaking out the whole time and generally was a big douche about it.

Our audience was miniscule. The few listeners we had, were, of course, our friends. Frankly, they only listened once we were in the Friday time slot anyway. Two of our friends could miraculously  tune into the station and we would often have them call-in for over-the-air conversations. This made it feel like an actual show.  Another friend would listen as he drove a school bus on campus and he would tune in as he shuttled students around. Once he drove on the other side of campus, he couldn't pick it up. I'm sure the bus-riding students were confused as to what they had the radio tuned to.  I think one of the other DJ's said they tuned in once and it so happened she was a girl and kinda cute so this made us doubly excited.

We would beg people to call in with requests. The truth was sad....but outside a few friends, NO ONE was listening. Then one day-- it happened. An actual request. From someone we didn't know!  He requested Echo and the Bunnymen (who I had only heard of)...we were nervous that we didn't have an album to play...but we eventually found an old LP. You know this is a big deal because I remember what the guy requested to this day.  We were so proud. One time we had a "stand off" with our non-existent listeners, telling them we wouldn't play music until someone called in. They never called and we chatted for the last hour of the show. We were a little "in on the joke"...but we both would have been thrilled to have actual, occasional listeners.


The great thing about having no listeners was that we could pretty much do what we wanted. We ended up rapping one day over a music-only track of "All About the Benjamins"  (of course I made up most of my rap).  I also sang over a non-vocal track from a indie band, about Huevos Rancheros a few times. Both of these experiments were pretty terrible, but darkly funny in an awkward-white guy kinda way.

I made a pathetic little website for the show (I mean it was 1998-1999 so most websites were pathetic to begin with). We never got any email requests and I was sad about that.  When I look back on it, it's kinda cute that I was trying to be cutting-edge.

We taped most of our shows but I would tape over them all the time with new shows.  We stopped doing the show after two years, for whatever reason we felt like we would be "too busy" but I always regret not giving it a final semester.  I had only taped about 3.5 shows even though I am certain I lost a tape along the way in a move or lost underneath my car seat.   About 10 years ago,  I transferred much of our banter (editing out boring stuff) into single MP3 digital copies. I collected many of the songs we played on the show and and mailed them to my friend on a CD before our falling out.  I love having these in my MP3 collection as they are a part of my personal history that is recorded. Sure, it doesn't mean a lot to anyone else....but it does to me (ya know, like this blog).

Recently, I created two huge MP3 files (mimicking an audio tape), I wanted to create the feeling of it not being easy to "skip" tracks. You would have to "fast-forward" if you didn't like the song. I edited our banter to ensure the bands we said were "coming up next" really were coming up next and created a "new" show out of old stuff.  I found old tid-bits of dialogue that I hadn't recorded years ago. It took a lot of time but at the same time it was a lot of fun too. I sent it to my friend as a peace offering about a week ago.....we'll see what happens.

Since my friend has kinda ignored me the last few years it makes memories of the show a little bitter sweet. He was a like a brother to me, we fought about life, politics, religion, you name it. But we had a shared past, loved the same type of music, loved going to concerts, hanging out, being stupid and having fun.  Maybe we debated a lot, but we also liked pushing each other's buttons...it was part of what made us friends. We could disagree but still hang out. Maybe we grew up and maybe we're too different now....time changes things. I don't know. I don't expect our friendship to be the same, but it would be nice to be facebook friends. I miss my friend but at least I'll always have the Paba Free Show.

Update 1/31/13:  I sent the package, he never responded. Oh well.

Poem Post: I Groove

Written in the mid-2000's about an event in 1999 or 2000. Edited and published on my blog in 2012.
That's about it. 

I Groove
I begin my strut to the dance floor covered in plastic tarp
the party crowd circles around me with their plastic cups.
As the strobe lights flash 
everything's slowed  down - 
my name is chanted
and I feel good.
She lingers towards me and starts to dance
the crowd roars with approval. 
I'd seen her on campus before
and I always stared.  
She never once returned the favor even with a glance. 
But here she is now - dancing with me. 
The crowd, the chanting,(her beer?) brought her towards me. 
We dance, and I groove like never before.
The song ends
and we part
as if it never happened .
But my groove
is still there.

How I Met Your Mother Part IV : Two Steps Forward, One Step Back (1999-2000)

My last year in college (1999-2000) proved to be a lonely one. All my close friends graduated in the fall and I couldn't find a roommate in the spring. I learned what real solitude was and I found out it isn't all that bad (at least in small doses). I was discovering myself by exploring the arts - I turned my roommate's room into my art exhibition hall of my paintings (mainly badly done abstract art). I also was turned on to great music (The Beach Boys, Bach, Nirvana, etc.), watched a lot of Woody Allen movies and wrote love-sick poetry.  Sometime late that fall I found out Marie had a boyfriend at LSU. In some ways I reveled in the heartbreak, channeling my loss into the art I was creating.

Summer was approaching and Marie let me know she would be spending the summer in Dallas with her sister. I was bummed but a little bit relieved. Marie's parents lived two streets down from our house so I was always running into her. When she was in town, I found that even driving by her street I was tempted to give her a call. I told myself I was ready for a new start in life (even if I didn't totally believe myself).


Quick Note: Did your dad ever date other people besides your mother and Marie? The answer is yes but let's just let those stories be forgotten.  


In May I graduated and moved back home to go to graduate school in San Antonio. My friend from A&M Jeff had moved back to San Antonio in the fall and he suggested we go to Midnight Rodeo on it's Wednesday's "College Night". I wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of going to a country dance bar but I had to admit the club was absolutely huge and this meant there would be tons of cute girls. Jeff brought his friend Toby and I brought my friend Philip to the club. We were there early and hung out along the sides of the large, circular dance floor. Sure there were "normal" people like us, but at least a third of the men were wearing cowboy hats. This just wasn't my style....but it just so happened that one of those "cute girls" at the dance hall that night was your mother.

Kathryn was there with Christina and Jenny (yes, both from the choir crew and you all know Jenny today). We introduced everyone and we had a great time that night. This pairing worked for both groups; the guys had cute dance partners and looked cool hanging out with girls (think of it this way, if we are already hanging out with cute girls, then the other women must think these girls were on to something). Meanwhile, the girls got non-aggressive, semi-normal dance partners and the protection from creepy guys by hanging out with us. In fact, we had so much fun we made it our weekly get together every Wednesday.

I hadn't planned on dancing at the club that night as I didn't exactly know how to two-step (the standard country dance). Kathryn was patient enough to teach me that first night how to dance the two-step. She was gentle and encouraging with my clumsy effort. I loved dancing with all of the girls in our group but Kathryn soon became my "dance partner" out of the group. She gave me advice and encouraged me to ask other women to dance.

This was when Kathryn really became a true confidant to me. We were finally becoming real friends and not "friends in passing". She knew my past and she was finding out even more about me from Jeff and Philip. Sure I was attracted to her but I had already ceded her to JJ in my head.  I didn't know all the details but I knew they had feelings for each other and whatever they had was...well...complicated.  Besides, JJ was my friend and I didn't want to step on my friend's toes, even if I was dancing with his girl.

Within a few weeks my friend Jeff asked for Kathryn's number from me. I thought about it, "Why would you need her number...Ooooooh, I see..." He was going to ask her out. I was in shock but played it off as best I could. There was no doubt about it, I felt a little weird about the whole thing. It seemed like she danced with me more than anyone else, I mean wasn't it clear that we were the ones with the connection?

Jeff and Kathryn dated for the last two months or so of the summer. It wasn't anything serious (they both said as much) but I was still silently jealous. What could I do?  One weekend in July I even managed to go on a double-date with Jeff and Kathryn with friend of Kathryn's, Heather. We had a good time but Heather and I weren't a good match.   

Those Wednesday nights were a blast. Youth is a wonderful thing and we celebrated being young that summer (maybe even a little too much). There was dancing, hi-jinks, late nights that spilled into the early morning, more dancing, late night tacos, and lots of laughs. But it all had to end eventually. In August, Kathryn and the girls headed back to their respective schools, Jeff moved to Tennessee and Philip got his first "real" job out of college. It just wasn't the same. The rest of us (myself, Toby and Philip) even stopped going out on Wednesday nights all together.

Meanwhile at LSU, Kathryn started dating a guy named Rick. She seemed to be happy at first, so I was happy for her. I got Marie updates from Kathryn (remember, they were roommates) and I gave Kathryn updates to JJ here in SA. It was a little dysfunctional informational pipeline. That fall it became clear to JJ that he missed Kathryn and he wanted her back. He and I were in the same boat, as Marie was still dating her boyfriend, Clinton. It's true that misery loves company but we were becoming really good friends outside drying each other's tears. JJ and I would often meet up at Sonic for drinks and have long conversations about love, women, sports, pop culture, and life in general. In the fall 2000, I became convinced JJ was the right man for your mother.

Sometime in the fall Marie came back into town. We even went out to dinner which felt weird as she had a boyfriend. I didn't mind at all though, after all, we were just "friends". We had been keeping in sporadic communication that fall, but I was playing the long game.  This meant being patient and not making any rash decisions. I was going to try to play it cool and be the friend even though I was a mess underneath it all. You might wonder if I had any intentions of being her friend and the honest answer was no. I wasn't going to aggressively flirt with her but my goal was to show her that we still had something between us. 

My first semester of full-time graduate school was tough but still a success. Christmas was on its way and that meant everyone was coming back into town. It seemed like momentum was building towards the Christmas party for both JJ and I. Kathryn had been hosting Christmas parties at her house since 1996 - and most everyone from our old gang would be there. The Christmas parties were always so fun and this year was no exception.

As the party was winding down, many of us wanted to go to Midnight Rodeo to dance. Your mother stayed at the party with JJ while a contingent from the party (along with Marie and I) went to Midnight Rodeo.  I don't remember a lot about Midnight Rodeo but I was putting the skills your mother taught me to task. Marie and I danced for much of the time and this time everything felt right (although maybe that was just the beer). She drove me home and I found out the truth in the cliche -"breaking up is hard to do".  We embraced and kissed. This was the moment I had been waiting for. It vindicated all my heartbreak and feelings I had for Marie. It was true, we were meant to be after all.

How I met your Mother: Part III: It was the Worst of Times (1999)

It was 9:00 AM on January 1, 1999. I was driving home from Elizabeth Trevino's New Year's Eve party and I was on top of the world. After much communication between Marie and I in the fall of 98', we had gotten back together in December and it felt like everything was going my way. We had a great time at the party with the whole choir crew and I remember thinking as I drove home, "So far, this year has been perfect". Little did I know my world was going to be crashing down around me in the coming year.

In just a few short weeks, on Friday, February 12th - Mikey died in a car accident. Most everyone from the choir crew was able to make it back to San Antonio from their various universities to the memorial service and funeral. It was all so terribly sad. Mikey was the glue of our little circle of friends - her passing made the group feel closer than ever before. One of the best things I can say about Mikey was that she was an individual - she was her own person. Those of us who loved her still miss her.

Sometime that terrible weekend, Marie suggested she thought it would be a good idea if we weren't an exclusive couple anymore. She thought it might be good for us to see other people as it seemed to her that we were getting too serious. I was shocked - not only at the thoughtless timing of the idea but that this was even happening all over again. In March my Mom was diagnosed with an aggressive case of breast cancer. In that 2-3 month period I had never felt so much anger and sadness in my life.

It wasn't all bad though. That spring I ran for Student Body President (as a joke/protest candidate), my friend and roommate Doug and I had our first and last "real" college party and we usually had a blast at doing whatever hi-jinks we were up to. Nonetheless, all my fun still couldn't mask the sadness I had inside.

Your mother and I weren't in contact much at all that semester. I think she had her own long-distance relationship drama as JJ (who was at Texas State). That summer I went to school and worked in College Station. I didn't come in town all that much as I had to occasionally work on Saturdays. Sometime during the summer I made it back into town to see friends and visit the folks.

Our friend Danny was moving into a new apartment and it seems like he solicited just about everyone he knew to help. After we finished the move, we ordered pizzas and hung out at the new place. Eventually a movie got put on, but I was restless and wound up in the kitchen talking with whoever was there. At some point Kathryn came in to get a drink and we talked for the first time in a very long time. I remember sliding around on my socks as spoke (although this may well be wrong, because, after all,  I'm found of sliding around in my socks at all times). During our conversation I was reminded that Kathryn was (and is) just an all-around good person. Surprisingly, I felt at home with her even though the past few years we hadn't really talked much at all.

Because your mom is such a sweetheart she listened to me as I unloaded to her about my heartbreak over Marie (no, of course I wasn't over her). She even told me Marie still spoke about me at LSU and this gave me much needed hope. For the first time, it dawned on me that Kathryn could be getting me good intel from LSU. I could have a spy on the "inside" in the fall!

That school year Kathryn and I emailed each other a few times and we spoke a little more often. Generally, we sought out each other's company a little more at our group's social functions. A new friendship was forming, one that we both could have never imagined would wind up being so important. We were going to best friends one day.

Notes from College

So I have been writing a series of posts on "How I Met Your Mother" and this led me to digging through old files (digital and physical) and got me interested in creating a proper timeline of events, even events outside the realm of the HIMYM posts.

Couldn't help but laugh at my notes from my senior history seminar from 2000. My senior seminar was on historical fiction - we were able to select any time period in history and create a story on it. The idea was great - I had a great time and learned a lot working on my story. However, I didn't learn very much during our class time. During class we spent much of our time discussing various historical fiction that he had assigned for us to read. I remember the class being very slow and our prof being partially disabled. It was awkward at times. Judging from these notes, I guess we didn't stay on-topic very well.

I had a little fun with my notes this particular day (timing awkward pauses) and our professor enjoyed talking about drugs. What a waste of a class.

From February 29, 2000. Some of the notes I am unsure of the meaning...

Need a pay-off scene (for our story) / PJ walks in / Tastes in books / Silence - 35 seconds / Weather? / More Silence 59 seconds / Battle of Honey Hill / Complaint of 10 page paper length / Challenge of tears / Silence - 23 seconds / Amphetamines / Ritalin Use / Fighting Ritalin girls / Selling extra Ritalin/ Silence - 35 seconds / Sprite bottle tricks /Questions over class schedule? / Joking of quitting / Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? TV Show / New shows / A story/ Silence / Good feeling about this class / Hard tests? / Teacher evaluation / Bad grad student / Logistical nightmare of a prof quitting in the middle of a semester / T.A.S. / Silence / Coast Guard pranks / turn in paper /end

How I Met Your Mother, Part II : Lessons Learned (1995-1998)

For as long as I can remember I wanted to fall in love. I had dated a number of different girls but I felt like I had never really made that deep connection. Maybe it was a false sense of expectation or maybe I watched too many movies but I dreamed, even yearned to fall in love. I have a notebook full of bad poetry to prove it too.

Well, every dog has his day and one rainy summer night, it finally happened.

Like most good love stories, the beginning of our relationship was quite unexpected. I was attending a community musical (The Mikado) with Eric, Mikey and her boyfriend BJ to see a number of our choir friends perform, including your mother. After the play was over, the whole crew talked and we made plans to eat at IHOP. After dinner a few of us hung out at the Eric and Mikey's house to watch a movie. I sat on the couch and ended up talking for hours over a People magazine with a very cute girl.

Sure we had known each other before that night, but this time something was different. Most girls I had dated didn't seem to have strong opinions and the dates I went on felt awkward (surely it wasn't me that was the awkward one, right?). While this wasn't a date - it was very, very intriguing. I drove home that night excited about the possibilities. I didn't know it but I had just fallen in love for the first time.

This, of course, was not the night I fell in love with your mother - that wouldn't be for awhile.

It was 1997 when Marie and I started dating. This was my first "real" relationship and I was happier than I had ever been. Marie and I shared a wonderful summer that was a boon to my notebook as it was now being filled up with love poems. We shared an ability to deconstruct anything and anyone. Our conversations reveled in discussing minutia, the mundane and the design flaws of restaurants. It was a Seinfeld fan's dream come true. The one complication that hung over the summer was that I had just been accepted at Texas A&M and would be leaving in the fall.

Meanwhile, your mother was in a relationship with our mutual friend, JJ. Do I have to even say it? Yes, he was part of the choir crew as well.

Note: This choir crew was a loosely organized group. It wasn't a tight knit group although at times, it could be. Between, 1995-2000, we had about 12-15 consistent members without accounting for the various additional boyfriends or girlfriends and a rotating cadre of guest stars who would enter our group for seasons at a time.  I would say only a few times a year would the group be all together.  As incestuous as it all sounds, I was the only one (besides your mother) who seriously dated more than one of the members of the group. Looking back I am surprised there wasn't more dating from within the group. 

JJ and Kathryn dated for a long time. They were great together. I loved both of them as friends and I remember thinking that they would be one of those couples that would be married shortly after college.  They seemed to get along so well.  Marie and I even went out on a double date that summer with the lovely couple (both your mother and I have vivid memories of this date at Carraba's).

While we were happy in our own little worlds, your mother and I can barely have said to have a friendship from late 1995- 1998. Of course we were friendly but we usually only saw each other at parties or at the Schmidt's house during a break from school. I do have one distinct memory of talking with Kathryn at the Schmidt's house one Christmas break in 1996. Most of the guys were throwing a football outside but Kathryn and I chatted on the couch for about half an hour. It was the first time I realized that Kathryn had changed since we had dated. She seemed different.  She didn't seem so much like the "goody goody" label I had placed on her. She was a real person - and cute.  

Well, that magical summer of 97' finally came to an end. Marie and I decided to try the "long distance relationship" otherwise known as sure-fire failure to all people under the age of 21. We maintained our relationship during the fall semester and I visited a few times throughout the fall. In retrospect I think I didn't visit as often as much as I should have. During the holidays, we were reunited and we (seemingly) had a great time - I was still in love.

At the famous annual Christmas Party (1997).  

By February (1998) - something changed for Marie. She didn't like the long distance between us but the bigger issue was she had the hots for some lunk head at the gym. So, my first foray into love had fizzled out. For the record the guy from the gym had an abnormally large head (having said that he could probably tie me into a pretzel had I ever told him that to his face).

I was devastated. The night we broke up was the night before a geography exam. I was living in the dorms on campus and I shared a room - I was going to have to cry somewhere else. I walked around aimlessly on the dark campus trying to make sense of it all and sniffle in the cold. I visited the chapel for the warmth but I soon realized I still had to study. I went straight to bed and bombed it the next day. Don't let it be said your father isn't a romantic.

Thus began the long (and very annoying) Saga of Marie (pending trademark). You see this wasn't the end of our relationship - it was only the beginning of an on-again-off-again romantic relationship and then the not friends-best of friends-maybe friends that kiss and then not friends at all thing. I will spare you the details, but some will be forthcoming as they are necessary to understand how your mother and I finally starting dating again. Later that spring Marie and Kathryn decided to attend LSU together in the fall of 1998.

While the Saga of Marie continued, so did life. I liked my new life at A&M but I still felt a little bit like the odd man out.  I was still adjusting to my new life with a whole new set of friends in College Station.  However, in the summer of 1998 and continuing into the fall, I changed. I had been evolving ever since my senior year in high school but now I fully loosened up to the possibilities of who I could be. It was as if I had finally let the up-tight, conservative, know-it-all Neil finally be put to rest. I was having a blast but I just couldn't put Marie behind me.

Sometimes in life there are roads we have to take before we find our redemption. I could have never been the man I was for you mother without my experiences with Marie. For all the drama and pain, I owe Marie a debt of gratitude. She taught me so much about myself and about what I wanted from a serious relationship. More importantly, she made me believe I could be loved back and was worthy of romantic love.

I don't necessary believe in destiny (although maybe you could sell me on a destiny-lite with a strong dash of free-will --but get back to me on that in a decade or two). What I do know is that we always have choices. Choices on how to respond and what to do when we hurt. Chances are someday you will have a broken, messed up, heart-breaking relationship.  I don't wish it on anyone, but often that's part of growing up. I hope you put in the work to find the meaning for yourself. Just remember, every heartbreak has to end sometime.

Truck List

My first car was a 1986 Toyota Pickup. It was a tough little truck and fun to drive. I created a lot of memories in that truck.

Looked just like this. Funny how one can see so much personality in a plain white truck.

I drove the truck for six years (1994-2000) and before we gave it away to charity (it was un-driveable), I cleaned out the cab and discovered something quite like a time capsule. It seemed at the time I should write it down....so, here it is (with a few explanations).  Honestly, my current vehicle is usually pretty messy even to this day.



An amazing amount of ATM receipts and bank deposits slips

1 Gatorade bottle with water in it

1 Willy Wonka poster (torn and bent, I have no idea how I got this)

1 plastic cup from Sibisa (on campus cafereria at TAMU)

Numerous glass shards

1 AA battery

1 roll of clear tape

1 roll of duct tape

1 Arby's cup

1 Taco Bell cup

1 Mcdonald's cup

1 Plastic sports bottle

The Rentals -7 More Minutes CD packaging

1 - College Station, TX Ticket for Disorderly Conduct and the plea  (excessive noise from the one party we had at our apartment).

2 Umbrellas

1 metal rod

1 cable (for TV)

1 comb

1 yellow leaf air fresher

2 bottles of oil (the truck "drank" oil at a high rate, so I was always checking my oil gauge)

Disney "Magic Ball" candy package (from 1999 given to my girlfriend at the time)

1 ketchup packet

one of my dad's softball line-ups (he was the manger for many years of the unofficial church team)

2 Records (one was Disco Disney) both were badly warped from the excessive heat. I  had brought them  from home to play on our radio show but I forgot they were shoved in the back of the cab and so they got warped and unplayable.

5 Hang-Tags --1 from UTSA, 2 from Blinn, 2 from A&M

Numerous receipts from 1997-2000 (mainly from fast food joints) the oldest one from - Whataburger on  4/13/96 

1 mint

1 half eaten Trident gum pack

Top Ten Things I Didn't Do

Things happen, but sometimes they don't. Off the top of my head and definitely not in any order of importance, here are things that didn't work out or that I never did.



1) Printed out a small book of poems to give to my parents and sister for Christmas back in 2005 but didn't give it to them on second thought.


2) I didn't ask out a girl in my Intermediate Spanish II class in college. I had a huge crush on this girl. We sat on opposite sides of the room and before I even spoke to her I had already created her personality - she was my dream girl.  I mustered the courage and managed to talk to her a few times in the hallway before class, I think I made her laugh and felt really good about our small chit-chat. I plotted to ask her out after the final exam. This was the perfect plan - if she rejected me, I would never see her again in class thus lessening my humiliation. I laughed at my genius. When I took the final exam, I worked as fast as I could.  I even managed to check my work but I was ready to dump the exam if the situation arose.  After what seemed like forever, she finished her exam. I didn't want to make it obvious, so I patiently waited about 15-20 seconds after she got up. As fate would have it, the allotted time for the test was running out, so many students were up at the front of the room, turning their exam in as well. Because of the extra traffic, it took me longer than expected to turn the test in....but I wasn't panicking even though she was out the door sooner than I realized. My heart rate started racing as I picked up my backpack and headed out into the hallway. As I walk out the door I see a fellow classmate is already TALKING TO HER- he's not leaving her side as they continue to talk and walk right into the PARKING LOT - I slow my walking gait down but at this point I am in a near panic. My perfect plan was falling apart, I had no backup plan!! They just keep talking and I....well... keep walking....I felt like an idiot. I saw her a few months later at Blockbuster with some fat boyfriend, I had a near Woody Allen breakdown at that point.


3) I did not transfer to UT (instead I transferred to A&M). I was planning on majoring in advertising there. As crazy as that sounds to me now, I think I would have taken one class and changed my major. Life would have been different, that's for sure.


4) I did not teach in Japan. I almost applied to teach for JET after graduating in 2000, but got scared (although we did end up teaching in China in 2004).


5) I did not make the band. I tried out for a band in college as the lead singer. I tried to sing some Metallica song and it went badly. I think I knew I wasn't going to get the gig when I asked if they knew any Weezer songs.


6) I did not get everything that I wanted as a kid. I have vivid memories of begging my mom for a quarter or seventy-five cents for a comic book or a pack of baseball cards. Most of the time, she wouldn't budge. At the time, I thought it was because (in my kid's world) seventy-five cents was a lot of dough - I understood it. Now that I know even at the time, it was nothing. My mom did a good job of not spoiling me.

When my mom would go our local Handy-Andy I would go inside the Revco next door as they had a great comic rack and a better toy selection. When I was ten-years old I saw this comic and I just had to have it. I begged and pleaded with my mom to no avail. It was a hard sell - it was double-sized and $2.50!  I did what I often did at Revco and hid it behind some magazines. I was able to hide this comic at least 3-4 times at least for a month - always being careful to remember which magazines I hid it behind. One day, to my dismay it was gone......(Well then, I just found it on Amazon and I am totally buying this for my Christmas present with my parent's money).

7) I wish I could tell you I never bought cowboy boots, but I would be lying.


8) I did not get a ticket for crazy driving as a teenager. It was harmless stuff by most standards, but one road rage incident was really, really, scary looking back on it (and yes, I was the one mad). I sometimes can't even recognize that young version of myself.


9) I never made the "Honor Roll". Not a once.

10) I never applied to teach anywhere else than where I work now. I applied part time and did not apply anywhere else, as I was a lazy. I got a call a week before classes, I was in. I interviewed for a full-time position twice (with one interview with the college president) before finally landing my full-time tenure track position the third time around.

Fragments from Lollapooza 1996

So I went to Lollapooza back in summer of 1996.

Here are some memories.

In 1996 music festivals still mattered. The headliners were Soundgarden, Metallica, Rancid and the Ramones. My music fandom (and snobbery, if a Weezer fan can even say that with remaining straight-faced) came much later in life so out of those three bands I had one album between them. I probably had like 20 CD's total anyway (five of which were Nirvana).


I don't remember which of my friends decided it would be a good idea - it certainly wasn't me-- as I said I wasn't crazy about any of the bands to begin with.  But we were pumped about going - just because we were 18 (going on 19) and wanted an excuse to drive far away and have an adventure without adult supervision.


It started out that there would be like 4-5 of us but everyone found excuses not to go like ticket prices, work, etc.


There were two of us left and we had already made a pact to shave our heads, so we did.


This was okay for my friend, but for me (pale and sickly white)....well,  I looked like I had cancer. I also weighed about 10-15 pounds heavier than today and I looked like a pudgy, cancer-stricken person. I went from being ignored by girls to repelling them.

I told you so. Honestly, this picture doesn't do my paleness justice. I henceforth dub this time period the "Pat Wilson" era (June 96- Sep 96). That's the drummer for Weezer, for those wondering.  

On the way up to Dallas we had a huge, crazy heavy rain in Waco and had to pull over on the side of the highway....that rainstorm might still be in my top 5 worst weather I have driven though.


Our first stop was in College Station where my buddy went to school (and where I transferred to the next year) and we got pulled over in the middle of no-where for no reason. The officer said my friend tapped his brakes (as he was coming the opposite way and noticed in his mirror-- but really, who doesn't tap their brakes when they see a police car - ITS INSTINCT BRO). This is where the shaved heads and altra-t-shirts did not come in handy.


We were two white kids used to our white privilege. We were shocked when he asked us to get out of the car so he could search it. We stood next to the police car stunned.  I felt like a criminal and cool at the same time. We didn't do drugs but my friend had a "fake" ID in the car (he had tried to amend his birth date on an old ID).  It was behind his driver's license in his wallet, so when we first got pulled over, he panicked and asked me what he should do with it. So I told him to put it in the console to hide it. Of course I wasn't counting on him searching the car. As the search went on, my friend started freaking out. The officer comes  back and just gives my friend a warning and takes the ID with him.

We get to Dallas in the evening and we head out to the fairgrounds in the early afternoon. The traffic is crazy and it's freaking hot.

We have a good time but didn't and my friend couldn't drink at the event (I didn't touch the stuff at the time). We didn't even talk with anyone else really. We just dreamed of talking with some "freak" girls as we called them. This ensured much regret but was the safest choice as I was afraid of girls back then and had zero confidence.



I actually looked up the band list from 96 and noticed Sponge was there (on a side-stage). I kinda remember seeing them. Boring (I even had their lame CD from the year before too and liked it).


The best part of the entire trip was that we got super close for Rancid and the Ramones. I have to say I enjoyed Rancid and I loved the Ramones.


I was kinda familiar with the Ramones but I really had no idea what to expect. It was in Dallas in July in 100 degree heat and here they were all wearing their leather jackets. Talk about punk.  I was about 15 feet away and hopping up and down to "Blitzkrieg Bop" and "I Don't Wanna Grow Up" with the best of them.



What a great pop song. I only relate to it more now than ever. Seriously, sans the performance aspect of the video (which I just tend to not like for any music video) the cartoon is brilliant. Like a Mad Magazine cartoon came to life.

Suddenly, during the Ramones set, a crazy, huge drunk guy comes barreling into the crowd around me as if he was driven mad. He had blood coming down over his head and everyone kinda stopped. Most of us gave him a wide berth and then....he drove back to the front of the stage - the crisis was over and we all started hopping again.


We had been up front for a few hours and were dead tired, hot and very thirsty (but happy they hosed us off). We went to the back for more water and food. We saw Soundgarden and Metallica from like a mile away. We were exhausted and the very thought of trying to even work our way to the front was too daunting.

I was jealous when a huge plastic bottle war went on near the stage during the Soundgarden set...it looked like a huge  swarm of insects all around the stage. I got really bored during the Metallica set - I am no metal fan and actually really hated it. I finally talked my friend into leaving a little early to beat the traffic. He was kinda pissy about it but hey, that's what friends are for!

There ya have it folks. My first, only and probably last major music festival. It's not that I'm too old to go - (ACL is so close to us) it's just I'm now too cheap.

Fun With My New Scanner, Part I

Let's be brief-- Mrs. M was already excused with a medical reason (she was too elderly to serve).  The letter sure is poorly written for an M.D.

Saturday Night Special: Spoon

There is a special place in my heart for the band Spoon.

I discovered Spoon on my college radio show - and we played them frequently (usually stuff off Mountain of Sound EP and A Series of Sneaks). They are everything I like about my rock music - singable, catchy, powerful, fun but smart. You get the picture. We saw them in 98 or 99 at a small club in College Station. There weren't more than 30 people there and they rocked the house. I could have had a beer with Brit but I was too shy for that kinda thing back then (hey, I did have a beer and chatted it up with a member of What Made Miluwakee Famous a few years back though).

Anyway, I fell back in love with Spoon with their album from 2008 - Ga Ga Ga Ga and saw them in Houston that fall.  Enjoy "The Underdog" from the same album!!

Time Traveling

A while back, I dug through some of my old journals. I wrote in these journals between the ages of 17-20. I doodled odd things, wrote notes, balanced my checkbook, but most of all, I wrote poems. They were always near my bedside and at my peak output, I wrote almost every day.

Although I haven't written poetry in years (all the poetry posts on this blog are at least six years old) I wanted to preserve these silly little love poems. Most of my poetry is already saved digitally, so I just typed up what I felt was the most interesting or worthy of saving. Most of the content in the journals is embarrassing. It's overly sentimental, self-centered and over flowing with teen angst. Of course, I was a teenager so it makes sense. My poetry aesthetic was very, well, American. It was anti-elitist, simple and passionate. I felt the purpose of a poem was to convey a singular idea, thought or emotion and to convey that idea as clearly as possible. Anything else was obstructing the art form. Thankfully, I have moved past that aesthetic, but admittedly, it still has a certain appeal for me.

One of the more enjoyable aspects of digging through the old journals was being able to see the birth process behind the poems. I loved reading the aborted poems, different phrasing, the lines scratched out, etc.

Two poems in particular make an interesting case study on my thought process at the time. I would guess both of these poems were written between 1996-1997 based upon its placement in the journal. The first untitled poem shows me struggling with the idea of change and the eventuality of personal failure.

Bad Poetry Disclaimer: I don't necessarily think these are good poems -- just that they are interesting as they reveal the creative process and my feelings at the time.

Version A:

for the moment
everything is perfect
for the moment
everything makes sense
for the moment
it seems i am happy
still i wonder
when and where
i'll slip up
and it will end.

Version B expands (and de-personalizes) on the theme of failure. Rather than pointing to my own failings as an individual, Version B recognizes that change and/or failure isn’t always someone’s fault. Rather it implies that change and failure are embedded in the nature of the universe.

Version B:

the universe rested for a moment and stopped expanding.
for a second, everything made sense
then the universe started to expand again
and all was in shambles.

Another poem, a few pages after the above poems foretells my love affair with spirituality and faith. I am almost positive this was written during a power outage as I always remember feeling it was romantic to be writing by candlelight (what can I say? - that's the type of guy I am). Both poems reflect a desire for embracing the unknown and the mystery of life. Both poems want to embrace a world of shadows rather than of science and “answers”.

Version A:

long ago when the world was young
magic ruled the dark night
shadows ruled
in the dim candlelight
the darkness enveloped the faces
they lived without...(abrupt end)

Version B:

and so it was by candlelight
after the inspiration of fluorescent lights went out
the flaw of technology brings us back
to a time of shadows
when the unknown was possible
and God was watching.


Version B seems to imply that God isn't watching anymore because we aren't embracing the "unknown" anymore. We don't need God anymore, because we have all the answers. For most of my college years I believed in a distant God, so this seems to fit right in with my theology at the time. I felt that God (if God existed at all) had to be too busy to care about the little things in the world - like me.

Reading my journals was like time traveling. I can read those journals and understand how and why I am the way I am now. I see a young man dying to just feel something, anything. I was ready for life to begin and most of all ready for real love. When my first love flamed out, it seems I took sadistic pleasure in the pain that followed. The fact that I had loved at all was viewed as an accomplishment.

I see a young man trying to be different and authentic. I was restless and bored with living the day-to-day lifestyle. In many ways I'm not all that much different from that young man. My whole life has been a struggle to be an authentic individual. This characteristic still drives my life and the major decisions I've made in life.

I suppose one day in the future I might be reading this blog in the same way, exploring my past to understand where I am. On that note, goodbye and good night to all my anonymous readers and my future self.

Poem Post: Downtown '98

In the summers of 1997, 1998 and 2000 I worked downtown. These were seminal years for me and I spent a lot of time alone -- thinking and writing.  Most days, I would walk to lunch from Hemisfair Park to the heart of downtown, often near the Alamo. I love urban areas - they seem so much more alive than our sterile suburban environments.  It seems like anything can happen.  I wrote this in 2005, looking back on a particular lunch-hour.  Yes, it actually happened.

Downtown '98
i see the puppeteer
with his dog puppet 
making strange comments
as the tourists pass
so i walk to the other side of alamo street
there's a preacher with the bible in hand
preaching in shade of alamo square
the annual dog show's at henry b again
i eat fast-food in the mall alone
and think of poems to write when i'm home.