The Beauty in Chance Events

Life is full of cycles. 

You can get in a rhythm and you end up in a re-run of habits, hobbies, and activities. Lately, I have been finding myself just watching YouTube on my bed until I was exhausted enough to stop fighting sleep. The old days of my prodigious reading habits faded into an inconsistent bedtime routine. After I finished taking graduate classes in the fall of 2020, my reading fell to almost non-existent. I read a bit but I have struggled to get motivated to read anything in particular. Sure, I would read a few comic books and I did manage to finish an actual book or two but I just wasn't feeling it. 

For the last few years, my creative energy was geared towards writing but art has always been in the background, waiting for me, ever so patiently to come back home. Of course, I have done a few birthday posters for the kids but nothing on my own for years beyond some fun doodling with watercolor markers. With the encouragement of a friend, I started painting again last week. As I painted I realized how much I missed it and how much fun I had been missing out on. I also had forgotten what a gift there is in embracing chance events. 

April, acrylic & paper - April 2022

The above photo was my first effort and I have to admit, I like it. 

I had started fiddling with my watercolor paint pens, drawing branches or roots (a common motif of mine) but it just felt drab and boring. Then I changed my plan and began to paint in an abstract style. Pushing and stretching the paint with my little paint tool.  I purposely didn't put much thought into it. I let my mind and tool unconsciously find their way together, weaving this way, then the other. I selected bright, primary colors (as those make me feel warm and fuzzy).  I added countless layers of paint to give the piece texture and needed depth.  Finally, on the second to last layer, I tore out random bits of paper from old books to add a bit more depth and otherworldliness to the piece. 

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A few days later I decided to paint again. This time, I painted two pieces at once but only one is good enough to share. The more "experimental" piece (well, trash piece) is kinda a hot mess bordering on disaster overload. 

However, the "good" piece was a much more successful experiment.  I started by building an acrylic base of texture but I also integrated a little bit of the pour technique that's so popular on YouTube with more overt use of collage. Thankfully over the years of art-making, I have collected old books, comic books, and other ephemera like some of my dad's old college papers. I also have a random assortment of things already cut out that weren't used at the time or just plain forgotten about.

I had brought in a huge stack of random stuff and just started grabbing whatever my grubby little hands could find, by chance. I would grab a page, tear it out and drop it anywhere on the canvas or impulsively find a place for it and go with my gut instinct.  I tried to keep in sync with my primal, spontaneous mind so it could find connections and patterns that my conscious mind could never find on its own. I even managed to escape my over-analyzing, over-thinking consciousness for a while and that's always a nice vacation too.  

After about a half-hour I stopped. I didn't like what I was seeing so I decided to come back to later that evening.  When I returned to the piece I added a bit more but still....something was off but I didn't know what. However, it was getting late, so I started putting my art supplies away and cleaning up. As I picked up my huge stack of old books, notebooks, and junk, a perfectly cut-out photo of a baby ostrich fell out of the stack and onto the floor. I instantly picked it up and plopped it right on the wet green blob in the center of the canvas and I and went back to cleaning up. 

After I finished cleaning up, I looked down at the piece and it seemed the baby ostrich made me look at the piece in a whole different light. It now seemed complete and confident. It gave the viewer's eyes a shared starting place to the canvas. Also, baby birds are cute, so there's that too. 

This random baby ostrich, falling from my stack of junk changed everything. I didn't like the painting before but I didn't know what it was missing. This small chance event changed everything. Now, I can't imagine this piece being any other way.  How many random events have happened like this to you and now you can't imagine your life any other way? Some of my most favorite people, events and ideas stem from the extraordinary origin of chance.  

Missed An Issue???, acrylic and paper, April 2022.

I had forgotten the wisdom of creating art. Of course, it's fun and it's an escape for the soul but more importantly, there are lessons to be had if we open to the opportunities presented by the beauty of chance events. 

Confucius Didn't Say That! True Beauty Edition

In the hustle and bustle of life, it's hard to appreciate everyday beauty. There are many things in life that can trip you up: traffic, your kids throwing fits, stepping on legos, your computer going slow, your pet throws up on the carpet, your back hurts, losing your keys, stuff in the house that stops working....oh wait those are the things that trip me up.

Anyway, life in the first world is by all accounts, objectively awesome. However, sometimes we fail to see the (cue the cliches) the "silver linings" or the "bright side". So, it's good to get a reminder that life has a beautiful side to it. This brings us to this edition of Confucius Didn't Say That! 

 "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." - Confucius 

Very true and very wise.

  

I can tell Confucius didn't say this in part because Confucius was rarely pithy. It's also not a typical concern of Confucius either. Confucius lived in a time of political upheaval. Those in the political realm were living in tumultuous times, while the peasants worked (as always) from sun-up to sun-down. Appreciating beauty was low on the list of what would be considered important to Confucius or even to most common people living in ancient China.  

The word "beauty" occurs* twice in the Analects, although it's used only once in a meaningful way:

The Master said: “I have never seen one who loves virtue as much as he loves beauty.”
 - Confucius in the Analects 9:18


Ironically enough, this is one of those pithy statements that Confucius actually said. It also happens to illustrate the polar opposite of the fake quote.  Beauty isn't underappreciated, it's over-appreciated.
Confucius is lamenting the fact that most humans care too much about beauty, while not caring as much about their virtue.  Even over 2,000 years later, this quote rings true. People are more interested in appearing beautiful than doing the right thing.


There's a similar thought about beauty and ren (often translated as humaneness) in book four of the Analects:

The Master said: “As for a neighborhood, it is its ren that makes it beautiful. If you choose to live in a place that lacks ren, how can you grow in wisdom?” 
- Confucius in the Analects 4:1

I'm not quite sure who this quote should be attributed to, as my Google skills can't find a definite answer. I found a book from 1995 which attributes the quote as a "Old Chinese Proverb" but almost everything else I could find attribute it to Confucius himself (one book tacked into the Analects but failed to fact-check it). Someone on Facebook attributed it to the Kangxi Emperor of the Qing Dynasty, but if you Google that, it just goes back to their FB page and no one else linked it to Kangxi.

It sounds like a Chinese fortune cookie thing, so chalk it up to a clever fortune cookie writer or as an actual "Old Chinese Proverb". 

As for the quality of the actual quote, I think it's pretty stupid. For one thing, the statement is literally wrong. There is no beauty in cockroaches, vomit or dirty diapers. It's a lie of the first order.

I know, I know there may be people out there that may state, "well an entomologist may find a cock roach beautiful". Maybe so, but my guess is they still don't want the roaches in their kitchens.  

So, so maybe the quote isn't about "beauty" in the literal sense of the word but is more about finding gratitude in our lives.  I believe that it's true that filling your life with gratitude will change your outlook on life and more importantly, your actions.

My own two cents is that it's an okay-enough statement. For most things in life, there is beauty. Even though my kids might be screaming, fighting or fussing, underneath is a beautiful person being developed and the preciousness of life.  We need to live with more mindfulness to find beauty. 

I can't find much in the Analects about gratitude. I searched Muller's translation for "thankfulness", "thankful", "gratitude" and "grateful" and came up with nothing meaningful. I don't think the concept was foreign to Confucius but might not have been something he or his editors found important enough to speak/write about.


* As always I use Muller's translations.

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. Confucius
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/confucius104254.html

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. Confucius
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/confucius104254.html

How I Met Your Mother VI: The Leap (2001-2002)

Some people think their lives are governed by fate, God or (the most silly of them all), "the universe".  I expect most of us have found ourselves in a circumstance that seems almost magical.  We might imagine ourselves experiencing events that seem quite impossible to happen in a purely material universe. It's an appealing idea and it makes us feel like that there really is a master plan after all.

Note: If there is a master plan, I am assuming it can't be stolen by Time Bandits. But then again, the universe may turn out to be far more absurd than we realize. Seriously, go watch this film if you haven't already.

I believe in God but this doesn't mean that I think everything in life is predestined or ordained to happen.  No big surprises here but I don't have the answers to these timeless questions about destiny, fate or "God's plan". This much I can tell you: for most of my life my mother prayed for me to meet a woman like your mother. In 1994 that prayer came true. However, I hope that after reading this story it's clear that in life we always have choices. Everyday, we wake up and make choices on who we are going to be and how we are going to act. So it's true that I think God brought us together but we still had to take a leap of faith. Together.

By the fall of 2001, Kathryn had gone back to LSU and I was entering my second year of graduate school in San Antonio. We didn't have as much contact as you would think (you have to understand that neither of us owned our own cell phone and long-distance calls were still expensive). I do remember a few email and phone calls being exchanged between us.  In September, JJ and I were on our way to visit Eric in Abilene and I managed to almost kill us in a car accident when several deer ran in front of my pickup truck. I flipped the truck about six times but you already knew where my scar came from and that's a different story.

All my other friends had significant others so JJ and I were the only single guys left. We ended up hanging out at least once every two weeks. We would complain about Rick and Clinton and about how our two love interests couldn't see the truth (the truth: that obviously, we were infinitely more desirable then our counterparts, of course). I even shared a "concept album" mix CD I had made about the Marie Saga that I thought he might relate to.

Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, things went from bad to worse in Kathryn and Rick's relationship. Your mother had been plagued by doubt about the relationship while Rick was ready for a possible engagement. Sometime in October, after weeks of soul searching, Kathryn ended the relationship. There were other factors in their break up but the truth was Kathryn was ready to get back with JJ. When she called me with the news, I was giddy. Two of my best friends were going to be  together.

When Kathryn had told JJ that she was ready to get back together and renew their relationship - JJ said he was unsure about how he felt. The next day JJ and I met for lunch to talk about the big news. When he told me he was unsure about what do next, I was flabbergasted.

This was the guy who for months had said he would do anything to get Kathryn back and now....now he was telling me he had doubts?  I was downright angry once I got over my shock at what was happening. I had prayed to God for another chance with Marie  and he might be throwing his own chance away? This was the first time I doubted that JJ was the right man for your mother.

In the coming weeks, I was hearing from both Kathryn and JJ. For the first time I felt like my loyalties were being tested. Who exactly should I be loyal to? What did "loyal" even mean in this situation? I felt like the middle man and I didn't feel comfortable with this arrangement. I wanted them to work it out on their own. Once Kathryn got back in town, I planned on laying low and hopefully letting them spend a lot of time together to figure it all out.

The winter break arrived and JJ and Kathryn were "dating" but not seeing very much of each other. JJ even mentioned to me his interest in another woman, as if he was completely single.  I didn't even know how to respond to him. They were definitely not back together, only taking things slow by "dating". On the flip side, Kathryn and I were talking everyday, not only about JJ but just having a good time. One afternoon, I went over to her house and we watched a movie and I had a paraffin wax treatment on my fingernails. We had a blast hanging out. After a week of seemingly constant contact, we were becoming best friends. I remember my feelings bubbling up, but I did my darnest to suppress them.

At some point, plans were drawn up to go to Midnight Rodeo - Danny, Jenny, JJ, Kathryn and myself all rode together in the same car. Kathryn and I had been "dance partners" for the last two summers but this night I was going to have to defer to JJ (even if he wasn't much of a dancer). JJ and Kathryn didn't dance to the first few songs so the three of us just hung out as Danny and Jenny danced. I don't remember how it all went down, but eventually Kathryn and I danced. I know JJ and Kathryn danced that night but it wasn't as much as we had. On the long drive home, Kathryn and I were in the backseat with Jenny and JJ was up front with Danny. I remember laughing a lot about something silly. JJ was oddly quiet. The next day Kathryn told me JJ had been jealous that we had been getting along so well that night.

A few days later, I was driving to pick up a quick bite to eat and I saw Marie jogging in the neighborhood. An hour later we were still talking in my pickup truck. We hadn't had much contact since the spring but after this conversation I felt like we hadn't missed a beat. The Christmas party was in a few days and I found myself asking myself (almost unbelievably) were we really doing this again? Was I going to risk heartbreak by letting hope into my heart?

Although we couldn't have known it, in reality the Christmas party really was Marie and JJ's last chance with either one of us.  For most of the night, your mother and I stayed apart and floated around our respective love interests. I even remember leaving the party and seeing Kathryn and JJ together. I remember thinking they didn't seem to be having a good time together - they seemed so serious. This was only an impression I had, I have no idea what was going on in their heads. I had a great time with Marie that night and after the party we even grabbed some late night tacos together. This time I was at peace with the situation; I still liked Marie but I was determined to not make the same mistake twice. At least for one more night, your mother and I were still blinded by our past and unable to see the opportunity right in front of us.

A few days later I was invited to Philip's family's annual Christmas Eve party. Philip always wanted me to ask Kathryn out - even when I wasn't on board. He would tell me that Rick and JJ were no good for her and that we should just "get it over with" and date. It all seemed so simple to him and I usually just dismissed him. I have to admit that his encouragement helped keep the idea alive. Philip knew I was having mixed feelings about Kathryn and he was eager just to push me even further in that direction. He told me to tell Kathryn that he had personally invited her to come and that he would even call her if I wanted him to. He told me it would feel casual as we all lived just a few streets from each other.

We did have a lot fun at the Christmas Eve party. Afterwards, I drove Kathryn home and we talked in the car for well over an hour about life, love, everything. As I drove home well after 2:00 AM, I thought how we were doing everything together like we were a couple. We continued seeing each other every other day and talking every single day. There are too many small stories to tell. For New Year's Eve JJ had asked Kathryn to go on a date so I was left to make plans on my own. It felt weird to be apart on a holiday.

At this point I had feelings for Kathryn but I felt guilty for doing so. I was trapped and I knew the only honorable thing to do was to remain her friend. It seemed it just wasn't meant to be, our timeing was off. Kathryn had just broken up with Rick, tried to get back to JJ, I needed to just be her friend.  . On January 2nd, Kathryn and I tried to organize a night out at Midnight Rodeo. It seemed like everyone was out of town or couldn't go - even JJ couldn't make it. So, it was just your mother and I, dancing again. We just seemed to fit together well. This was the night I officially and undeniably fell for your mother. I wrote in my journal the following day,

"...she's my best friend and she's beautiful, what more can you need? But it's not the right time….I feel that this needs to work it self out, somehow. And I don’t want to play that part, that way..."

A few nights later, Philip's girlfriend Doris was having a birthday party at a club called Banana Joe's. Of course, Philip told me to invite Kathryn. This time Philip's positive vibes were paying off - I was ready to make a move. As we drove downtown to the club, it definitely felt different. If Midnight Rodeo was "safe dancing" between friends; Banana Joe's was more of the "club dancing" type of place. After a few minutes of hanging out and having a drink or two, we all went out on the dance floor. This time things the dancing was a littler more closer, a little more personal. Tonight was different.

At Banana Joe's the night everything changed.

We went for tacos after the club and I was ready to tell her I loved her right there at Chacho's but I hadn't mustered up the courage yet. It seemed like events were out of control and were moving at light speed. Something that had seemed unimaginable, radical, crazy just a few days ago now seemed natural, almost logical.

I went home on cloud nine but I was soon floating back to earth, surrounded by questions. Was I really going to risk losing two great friendships?

Timeout: I want to make this next part crystal clear. 

Yes,  I was feeling guilty about the whole thing. JJ and I were  friends after all.  However, Kathryn and JJ were not exclusively dating. I would not even consider acting this way had they been a "couple" even if they were an unhappy couple at that.  In my opinion at the time, he wasn't all that interested in dating her.  It's true because I had spent more time with her that winter break than he did. For whatever reason, he did not feel comfortable spending much time with Kathryn.  Furthermore, he had expressed doubts about their future to me personally sometime in November or December.  This was after weeks of me personally telling him to "not blow it" back in October and November--even before I had an inkling that this would happen.  

That next evening we made plans to hang out at Jim's together. I had decided that I was going to tell her about my feelings at Jim's. With just a few minutes before I left my house I started to get very nervous. The stakes were high. What if she wasn't ready to date anyone? What if Banana Joe's was just a mistake? Was I ready to leave Marie behind for good? If we dated and our experiment failed, my friendship with Kathryn and JJ would likely be over. I would lose two of my best friends.

I felt like I needed God to guide me. I got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed that if this wasn't to be, for God to stop it somehow. I prayed that I would have the right words to say. I think I even prayed that your mother felt the same way too. On the way to Jim's we cobbled together some small-talk -- we both knew we had to discuss something much more important that night. Over a vanilla milkshake and a hot chocolate, I confessed my feelings to your mother. It was in this moment where our lives changed forever.

I told your mother that even though I had tried not to, I had feelings for her and I thought we should try to date. I told her I wouldn't risk these relationships for just anyone, only for the chance of an extraordinary relationship. I told her I thought we could be something special. Before she said a word I was already comforted because she was smiling.

We talked for hours that night. About what Marie and JJ would think and about how crazy fast this was going but how organic it felt. We ended up watching a movie at my house mainly because we didn't know what else to do and because I think we didn't want our night to end so early. After the movie, your mother was walking out of my parent's kitchen. I met her as she was walking back towards the living room in front of the bookshelf that now resides in our living room.

I can't remember what we talked about but we were soon hugging. I looked into your mother's eyes and I knew it was time. Almost seven years after our first date, I finally kissed your mother for the first time. It was worth the wait. Through all the parties, funerals, long conversations, tears, laughs and the hours of dancing, we found ourselves together, at last, as best friends.

It was, of course, only the beginning.

Those first few days I was terrified JJ would want her back and she would go back with him. I was half-right. When Kathryn told JJ that we would start dating, his doubts about their relationship suddenly disappeared. He was ready to commit. When Kathryn told Marie, she was also upset (yes, she had a boyfriend, but she was definitely confused with her feelings at the time). We took a big leap that night at Jim's. We trusted God and trusted in ourselves that we felt this was the right. It paid off in full. We were in love; a scary, life-affirming love. The kind of love that makes you doubt it's even real, but it was and it still is real today. It is my most sincere hope that you will find this type of love in your life. There's no promise that you will but if you do find it and you're sure (and you are over the age of 21) then never let it go.

Life is short but "love is as strong as death". You see I can rest a little more easy tonight because I know this story can live a little longer after I am dead and gone. The future is uncertain but I hope whenever and where-ever you are reading this you have found something in this story to take with you. At the worst maybe you'll appreciate the very fragility of your existence. I love all of you so dearly and I will always be there for you if I am able. If I'm around right now, please give me a hug. Go ahead, I'll wait as you track me down in the other room. So it's time to close this long tale - for now you know the full story of how I met your mother.

Postscript (2018):  Well, you know how the story ended up but for those strangers out in internet-land I want to note that Marie was a bridesmaid at our wedding and after a few awkward years, we both rekindled our friendship with JJ.  Oh, and we're still having those annual Christmas parties, except this time there's a lot less drama and more kids running around.

How I Met Your Mother V: The Timing of Fleeting Feelings (2001)

There are times in life that you think you can "will" things to change.

You think you can love someone so much that they will have to love you back. That evening in late 2000 didn't change anything with Marie. I was told it was only a "fleeting feeling". Later I told Marie that, "everything in life is in the timing and we had everything but the timing". For whatever reason, that night just wasn't enough to change her mind. I was right about one thing though- timing was everything. I just didn't know how blessed I was in that department.

That winter and spring (2001) I was busy with substitute teaching and graduate school. The summer came but the magic and fun of 2000 couldn't be re-created. Philip now had a steady girlfriend in Doris and we only went to Midnight Rodeo about 5-6 times the entire summer (and with a notably smaller crew). However the summer of 2001 was different. I started gaining confidence in asking other women to dance at Midnight Rodeo. I dated a couple of girls that summer and even though neither worked out; they only emboldened me to do things I never dreamed about doing before. I even asked for the number of a checker at Barnes & Noble (I did score the number but after one odd phone conversation it seemed well enough to leave it at just that). I remained hopeful that I would find love - maybe it was just around the corner.

If the Marie Saga seemed to have come to inglorious end, your mother's own drama was just heating up. Her boyfriend Rick was back in Baton Rouge but JJ was here in San Antonio. Kathryn and JJ saw each other a few times as friends but it became clear that he wanted her back. Kathryn was having doubts - maybe JJ really was the guy for her?

In July, Rick came into town for Kathryn's birthday. JJ asked me if he thought he should send flowers to Kathryn's house for her birthday. I didn't think that much of it really, so I said "sure". Rick had already had issues with Kathryn's friendship and contact with JJ. When the flowers were delivered, Rick was furious. He blew up at Kathryn and said she should have given the flowers back to the delivery man. He was losing his cool and from my vantage point, this made JJ look even better.

I found myself in a conundrum. I was Kathryn's friend but I was also loyal to JJ. I wasn't real impressed with what I was hearing about Rick but I didn't want to trash the guy either. Of course most boyfriends aren't thrilled when an ex-boyfriend is sending flowers. He had every right to feel defensive. When I spoke to your mother I parsed my words carefully when the topic of Rick or JJ came up (which was often). Deep down, I really wanted to see Kathryn get back together with JJ. After all, I might not have gotten my girl back but I could work the case for my friend.

The year before it had felt like Kathryn was my confidant. This year our roles had reversed. We trusted each other enough to share each other's deepest fears and concerns. Besides all the serious stuff, we just liked hanging out together. Somehow on my birthday I found myself alone (no, seriously I don't know how this happened).  I was watching TV in my room when Kathryn called to see what I was doing for my birthday. I told her I was just watching TV but it was clear that this was going to be unacceptable. Within minutes she picked me up and took me to dinner at Chili's. You see I loved your mother before we ever kissed. I loved her as friends do.

Kathryn and I visited Eric one night when he came into town to visit his parents. The seasonal and holiday get-together's at the Schmidt house were becoming few and far between as more and more of the crew found themselves moved away, married or otherwise preoccupied with life. I don't remember the exact circumstances but we found ourselves talking on the tailgate of my truck under the stars in front of the Schmidt's house. We were talking about Rick and JJ again when Kathryn started to cry. I ached for her as I helped dry her tears. That moment has always stayed with me.

Kathryn only had a few days before she was going back to Baton Rouge. It was the last real weekend of the summer and we found ourselves going to Leon Springs Dance Hall with Danny and Jenny. We had a great time and danced all night. We knew each other's gait and every move; we really were dance partners. It was a little odd because this night felt like a double-date, as Danny and Jenny were already romantically involved. As much as I was trying to deny it, I liked the way it felt. It was getting late and as the hall was clearing out - we all started for the door. I don't remember whose idea it was but we decided for one last dance of the summer. 

The dance floor was practically cleared as we began to dance to a slow song. We danced underneath the always on Christmas lights and as we did;  it seemed something was different. The slow dance had brought out something in both of us; a tension that had never quite been there before. I had tried to deny this feeling because Kathryn was already confused between two guys. Besides, I was JJ's friend - this just couldn't happen.

There are moments in life that make you feel almost electric almost more alive than usual. For me, this was one of those special moments. Much later, I came to find out that it was during this dance, for the very first time your mother thought of me as possibly "more than friend". She told me it was only a "fleeting feeling" but we already know how important those can be.  That last dance of the summer was the real start to how your mother and I fell in love.