Mix-Tape #3 - The Concept Album

I wrote an ode to mix tapes a few years ago here and then after I found another track-list, I wrote a follow-up here. Now, it seems like I am finishing up a trilogy of posts about mix tapes with this post.  

I recently re-discovered another mix CD in one of my old CD cases. I had never really forgotten about this mix CD but it's been sitting in its sleeve for years, unloved and un-listened to.  I never had much reason to listen to it after I made it (early 2001). Subsequently, I never really tied this mix into my whole "track down every mix tape/CD" before the world ends blogging activity. 

Between the years of 1997-2002 I was a romantic relationship to friendship to somewhere in between romance and friendship with Marie. It was the typical young love, long-distance, on-and-off again type stuff.  I was committed to making it work, even if that meant giving space, being a friend and generally not moving on with the rest of my life. Don't try that at home, folks.

Eventually, this was finally resolved when I started dating my wife. Some of this is covered in epic fashion here for those suckers interested.

 I titled this mix (in hastily written permanent marker) "Concept Album - Mix 2000-2001".  The CD was created as cathartic exercise in healing from my heartbreak over Marie. Honestly, if you look at the track list I think  you'll agree it was clearly so cathartic that it became over-indulgent.  For heaven's sake, there's 19 songs. It's like eating too much soft-serve ice cream, it ultimately just doesn't sit well. I was in my early twenties, so cut me a break. Here's the track list broken into the themes for the sake of convenience. 


Part I
1. Ash - "Walking Barefoot"
2. The  La's - "There She Goes"
3. Sloan -  "I Can Feel It"
4. James Taylor - "Country Road"
5. Eric Clapton - "You Look Wonderful Tonight"
Part II
6. Green Day - Scattered Pictures
7. Breeders - Do You Love Me Now?
8. Fountains of Wayne - "Troubled Times"
9. Duncan Sheik - "Barely Breathing"
10. Elvis Costello - "Everyday I Write the Book"
Part III
11. Peaches & Herb - "Reunited"
12. Foo Fighters - "Up In Arms"
13.  Tom Petty - "The Wait"
Part IV
14. Everclear - "So Much For the Afterglow"
15. Ben Folds Five - "Evaporated"
16. The Beatles - "I'm Thinking Through You"
17. The Rentals _ "Say Goodbye Forever"
18.Coward - "I Don't Care"
19 Foo Fighters - "M.I.A."

(Insert embarrassing emoji here)

Thinking of this track selection almost twenty years later I find this mix overly earnest and entirely too long.  While I do like the whole idea of theme, rather than collecting the songs that were personally important to me, it looks as though I settled on trying to capture every possible angle on ALL of my feelings. This is what kills the album.

Also, Duncan Sheik? Embarrassing....

Ok, ok, I still kinda like that song....

Ahem....a surprising aspect about this album was that I included Sloan's 'I Can Feel It". This is a song I have long associated with my wife, in fact I had it playing when I proposed to her. It's funny how memory works, as soon as I started blogging on this mix, I uncovered memory of myself singing this song in my dorm room, of course thinking about Marie. But up until this rediscovery, I had convinced myself that my only attachment to this song was through my wife. It seems my brain had conveniently wiped away any associations I had with Marie and this song and dumped them in favor of associations with my wife. 

Finally, I think the mix suffers from too many disparate parts, it feels almost manic-like in its need to catalog "hey, here's a song, oooh, whatabout this song?"  From Green Day to Tom Petty to Peaches and Herb....I just think it's too jarring of a listening experience.  

Because I can't leave good enough alone, I succumbed to my temptations and made a new edit of my concept album. This time I used songs that I associated with Marie at the time (and still do). You might ask yourself, "Why bother?"; and that's a pretty good question. It's just with somethings in life I have to get it just right....and this is one of them.

Notable changes included exchanging Ash's "Walking Barefoot" for Ash's "Oh Yeah".  I had included "Oh Yeah" on Marie's first mix-tape (which just came to me in a flash and is mysteriously missing from my blog post about its creation...???). "Oh Yeah" is a romantic song about a summer love and the chorus repeats, "Oh yeah, she was taking me over and oh yeah, it was the start of the summer". After Marie had heard the tape she asked me, "So, am I taking you over?" That's one of  those lovely little memories that I've retained from that summer.

I also added Jimmy Eat World's heartbreaking "Your House". It fit so well, it's hard to leave it off.

I was also quite smitten with Ben Fold Five's "Emaline" and "Evaporated". They seemed to speak to me in a way that other songs couldn't. They were a big part of my life between 1997-2000.  I decided to keep Peaches and Herb as I find it kinda cute and I remember it vaguely being the inspiration to create my own concept album.

So, here would be my 2018 edit, trimmed and more focused:

1. The La's - "There She Goes"
2. Ash - "Oh Yeah"
3. Ben Folds Five - "Emaline"
4. Breeders - "Do you Love Me Now?"
5. Elvis Costello - "Every Day I Write The Book"
6. Fountains of Wayne - "Troubled Times"
7. Peaches & Herb - "Reunited"
8. Foo Fighters - "Up in Arms"
9. Tom Petty - "The Wait"
10. Beatles - "Looking Through You"
11. Jimmy Eat World - "Your House"
12. Ben Folds Five - Evaporated

So, there ya have it, possibly my last post on mix-tapes. Then again, I am a pack rat, so  you never know!

Mix-Tape # 2: Forlorn Love in Early 21st Century

A little over a month ago, I wrote an ode to mix tapes when I discovered the track list for the first mix tape I had made my first love.

I found another track list in the same journal. So I'm back for more of the same. 

This mix tape was also to that first love (Marie) but a few years later. Our relationship at this point (I am estimating this was the spring of 2000) had run the gamut - together, broken up, in between, friends (kinda), back-together, broken-up, wistfully broken up but still friends, etc., etc. 

This found track list was in a rough draft of a letter explaining the tracks. It's incomplete and I am not sure if this ended up being a CD or tape. I was unsure what was more convenient for Marie at the time. I thought about giving Youtube links but they will eventually just expire, so just copy and paste them and take the two seconds. I promise you, some of these songs are awesome. Especially if you just been through a heart-break. 

1. Paul Simon - I am Rock

2. The Apples in Stereo - You Said That Last Night

3. Ben Folds Five - Emaline 

4. Radiohead - Black Star

5. Beatles - For No One 

6. Spoon - Car Radio

7. Sloan - Bells On

8. Coward - unspecified 

*Track 8 was probably Coward's "I'm Alright". 

I must have felt this was a "desperate times call for desperate measures" time. 

It was pathetic and ballsy all at the same time. It's equal parts sadness and defiance.  I was also sending her the not-so-subtle hint, "I'd take you back in a heart-beat".  If any track sums it all up, it's the Beatles "For No One" from Revolver. A great track that I had actually kinda forgotten about (Paul forgive me!). Another highlight is Radiohead's "Black Star" - crazy good song from a crazy good album. 

The only track that isn't themed is the Spoon track (off the under-rated "A Series of Sneaks"), which was purposefully placed to give her some much needed lift after "For No One" and then, the slow and sleepy, "Bells On" from Sloan (from "Twice Removed" another excellent 90's under-rated album in the US - but not in Canada). I think I could have found a more fitting song but I adored that song, so that could explain it. 

The Ben Folds track was very meaningful to me at the time. It described how I felt at the time to a tee (with some minor lyrical issues that were very specific to the song and not my life). Still a great track to this day. 

If you haven't heard of Coward it's because they were FOW/Weezer type band that bombed. Still that CD is a wonderful, cheesy guilty pleasure. It's S/T - pick it up if you enjoy "Power Pop". That particular song would make for a great stopping point for a short tape or CD or the end of side A 

Looking back, if there was a Side B,  I don't know where I would have gone from there. The only logically place would be straight-up love songs. I don't remember what the final product was and it's even likely my rough draft changed a bit (but most definitely made it). 

I have vague memories of eventually sending a CD instead of a tape but maybe that was yet ANOTHER mix-tape/CD. I remember I made a cover featuring this famous Van Gogh. Maybe it was another Van Gogh but this was what sprang to mind first. 

At the time we were living in separate cities so I sent some version of this sucker off in the mail to her. I have no recollection of how she responded, although I do know she listened to it (at least once). Time went by and....

It actually worked! The tape or CD worked! 

It kept me fresh in Marie's mind and gave me a puncher's chance at getting her back. During December of 2000, we almost got back together (well, at least for one night). Maybe I'm giving this tape/CD too much credit....but so what? Just let me just live with the idea that it changed everything. Some of this is briefly recounted at the end of this blog.  Mix-tapes and CD's are a lost art but they make for some great memories. 

I doubt I will find another track list of a mix CD or tape but you never know.....plus if I get really bored I still have a box of tapes I could listen to and find more treasures from the 90's. Until that day, make your own mix today and go ahead, burn a copy and give it to your lover. 

How I Met Your Mother V: The Timing of Fleeting Feelings (2001)

There are times in life that you think you can "will" things to change.

You think you can love someone so much that they will have to love you back. That evening in late 2000 didn't change anything with Marie. I was told it was only a "fleeting feeling". Later I told Marie that, "everything in life is in the timing and we had everything but the timing". For whatever reason, that night just wasn't enough to change her mind. I was right about one thing though- timing was everything. I just didn't know how blessed I was in that department.

That winter and spring (2001) I was busy with substitute teaching and graduate school. The summer came but the magic and fun of 2000 couldn't be re-created. Philip now had a steady girlfriend in Doris and we only went to Midnight Rodeo about 5-6 times the entire summer (and with a notably smaller crew). However the summer of 2001 was different. I started gaining confidence in asking other women to dance at Midnight Rodeo. I dated a couple of girls that summer and even though neither worked out; they only emboldened me to do things I never dreamed about doing before. I even asked for the number of a checker at Barnes & Noble (I did score the number but after one odd phone conversation it seemed well enough to leave it at just that). I remained hopeful that I would find love - maybe it was just around the corner.

If the Marie Saga seemed to have come to inglorious end, your mother's own drama was just heating up. Her boyfriend Rick was back in Baton Rouge but JJ was here in San Antonio. Kathryn and JJ saw each other a few times as friends but it became clear that he wanted her back. Kathryn was having doubts - maybe JJ really was the guy for her?

In July, Rick came into town for Kathryn's birthday. JJ asked me if he thought he should send flowers to Kathryn's house for her birthday. I didn't think that much of it really, so I said "sure". Rick had already had issues with Kathryn's friendship and contact with JJ. When the flowers were delivered, Rick was furious. He blew up at Kathryn and said she should have given the flowers back to the delivery man. He was losing his cool and from my vantage point, this made JJ look even better.

I found myself in a conundrum. I was Kathryn's friend but I was also loyal to JJ. I wasn't real impressed with what I was hearing about Rick but I didn't want to trash the guy either. Of course most boyfriends aren't thrilled when an ex-boyfriend is sending flowers. He had every right to feel defensive. When I spoke to your mother I parsed my words carefully when the topic of Rick or JJ came up (which was often). Deep down, I really wanted to see Kathryn get back together with JJ. After all, I might not have gotten my girl back but I could work the case for my friend.

The year before it had felt like Kathryn was my confidant. This year our roles had reversed. We trusted each other enough to share each other's deepest fears and concerns. Besides all the serious stuff, we just liked hanging out together. Somehow on my birthday I found myself alone (no, seriously I don't know how this happened).  I was watching TV in my room when Kathryn called to see what I was doing for my birthday. I told her I was just watching TV but it was clear that this was going to be unacceptable. Within minutes she picked me up and took me to dinner at Chili's. You see I loved your mother before we ever kissed. I loved her as friends do.

Kathryn and I visited Eric one night when he came into town to visit his parents. The seasonal and holiday get-together's at the Schmidt house were becoming few and far between as more and more of the crew found themselves moved away, married or otherwise preoccupied with life. I don't remember the exact circumstances but we found ourselves talking on the tailgate of my truck under the stars in front of the Schmidt's house. We were talking about Rick and JJ again when Kathryn started to cry. I ached for her as I helped dry her tears. That moment has always stayed with me.

Kathryn only had a few days before she was going back to Baton Rouge. It was the last real weekend of the summer and we found ourselves going to Leon Springs Dance Hall with Danny and Jenny. We had a great time and danced all night. We knew each other's gait and every move; we really were dance partners. It was a little odd because this night felt like a double-date, as Danny and Jenny were already romantically involved. As much as I was trying to deny it, I liked the way it felt. It was getting late and as the hall was clearing out - we all started for the door. I don't remember whose idea it was but we decided for one last dance of the summer. 

The dance floor was practically cleared as we began to dance to a slow song. We danced underneath the always on Christmas lights and as we did;  it seemed something was different. The slow dance had brought out something in both of us; a tension that had never quite been there before. I had tried to deny this feeling because Kathryn was already confused between two guys. Besides, I was JJ's friend - this just couldn't happen.

There are moments in life that make you feel almost electric almost more alive than usual. For me, this was one of those special moments. Much later, I came to find out that it was during this dance, for the very first time your mother thought of me as possibly "more than friend". She told me it was only a "fleeting feeling" but we already know how important those can be.  That last dance of the summer was the real start to how your mother and I fell in love.

How I Met Your Mother Part IV : Two Steps Forward, One Step Back (1999-2000)

My last year in college (1999-2000) proved to be a lonely one. All my close friends graduated in the fall and I couldn't find a roommate in the spring. I learned what real solitude was and I found out it isn't all that bad (at least in small doses). I was discovering myself by exploring the arts - I turned my roommate's room into my art exhibition hall of my paintings (mainly badly done abstract art). I also was turned on to great music (The Beach Boys, Bach, Nirvana, etc.), watched a lot of Woody Allen movies and wrote love-sick poetry.  Sometime late that fall I found out Marie had a boyfriend at LSU. In some ways I reveled in the heartbreak, channeling my loss into the art I was creating.

Summer was approaching and Marie let me know she would be spending the summer in Dallas with her sister. I was bummed but a little bit relieved. Marie's parents lived two streets down from our house so I was always running into her. When she was in town, I found that even driving by her street I was tempted to give her a call. I told myself I was ready for a new start in life (even if I didn't totally believe myself).


Quick Note: Did your dad ever date other people besides your mother and Marie? The answer is yes but let's just let those stories be forgotten.  


In May I graduated and moved back home to go to graduate school in San Antonio. My friend from A&M Jeff had moved back to San Antonio in the fall and he suggested we go to Midnight Rodeo on it's Wednesday's "College Night". I wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of going to a country dance bar but I had to admit the club was absolutely huge and this meant there would be tons of cute girls. Jeff brought his friend Toby and I brought my friend Philip to the club. We were there early and hung out along the sides of the large, circular dance floor. Sure there were "normal" people like us, but at least a third of the men were wearing cowboy hats. This just wasn't my style....but it just so happened that one of those "cute girls" at the dance hall that night was your mother.

Kathryn was there with Christina and Jenny (yes, both from the choir crew and you all know Jenny today). We introduced everyone and we had a great time that night. This pairing worked for both groups; the guys had cute dance partners and looked cool hanging out with girls (think of it this way, if we are already hanging out with cute girls, then the other women must think these girls were on to something). Meanwhile, the girls got non-aggressive, semi-normal dance partners and the protection from creepy guys by hanging out with us. In fact, we had so much fun we made it our weekly get together every Wednesday.

I hadn't planned on dancing at the club that night as I didn't exactly know how to two-step (the standard country dance). Kathryn was patient enough to teach me that first night how to dance the two-step. She was gentle and encouraging with my clumsy effort. I loved dancing with all of the girls in our group but Kathryn soon became my "dance partner" out of the group. She gave me advice and encouraged me to ask other women to dance.

This was when Kathryn really became a true confidant to me. We were finally becoming real friends and not "friends in passing". She knew my past and she was finding out even more about me from Jeff and Philip. Sure I was attracted to her but I had already ceded her to JJ in my head.  I didn't know all the details but I knew they had feelings for each other and whatever they had was...well...complicated.  Besides, JJ was my friend and I didn't want to step on my friend's toes, even if I was dancing with his girl.

Within a few weeks my friend Jeff asked for Kathryn's number from me. I thought about it, "Why would you need her number...Ooooooh, I see..." He was going to ask her out. I was in shock but played it off as best I could. There was no doubt about it, I felt a little weird about the whole thing. It seemed like she danced with me more than anyone else, I mean wasn't it clear that we were the ones with the connection?

Jeff and Kathryn dated for the last two months or so of the summer. It wasn't anything serious (they both said as much) but I was still silently jealous. What could I do?  One weekend in July I even managed to go on a double-date with Jeff and Kathryn with friend of Kathryn's, Heather. We had a good time but Heather and I weren't a good match.   

Those Wednesday nights were a blast. Youth is a wonderful thing and we celebrated being young that summer (maybe even a little too much). There was dancing, hi-jinks, late nights that spilled into the early morning, more dancing, late night tacos, and lots of laughs. But it all had to end eventually. In August, Kathryn and the girls headed back to their respective schools, Jeff moved to Tennessee and Philip got his first "real" job out of college. It just wasn't the same. The rest of us (myself, Toby and Philip) even stopped going out on Wednesday nights all together.

Meanwhile at LSU, Kathryn started dating a guy named Rick. She seemed to be happy at first, so I was happy for her. I got Marie updates from Kathryn (remember, they were roommates) and I gave Kathryn updates to JJ here in SA. It was a little dysfunctional informational pipeline. That fall it became clear to JJ that he missed Kathryn and he wanted her back. He and I were in the same boat, as Marie was still dating her boyfriend, Clinton. It's true that misery loves company but we were becoming really good friends outside drying each other's tears. JJ and I would often meet up at Sonic for drinks and have long conversations about love, women, sports, pop culture, and life in general. In the fall 2000, I became convinced JJ was the right man for your mother.

Sometime in the fall Marie came back into town. We even went out to dinner which felt weird as she had a boyfriend. I didn't mind at all though, after all, we were just "friends". We had been keeping in sporadic communication that fall, but I was playing the long game.  This meant being patient and not making any rash decisions. I was going to try to play it cool and be the friend even though I was a mess underneath it all. You might wonder if I had any intentions of being her friend and the honest answer was no. I wasn't going to aggressively flirt with her but my goal was to show her that we still had something between us. 

My first semester of full-time graduate school was tough but still a success. Christmas was on its way and that meant everyone was coming back into town. It seemed like momentum was building towards the Christmas party for both JJ and I. Kathryn had been hosting Christmas parties at her house since 1996 - and most everyone from our old gang would be there. The Christmas parties were always so fun and this year was no exception.

As the party was winding down, many of us wanted to go to Midnight Rodeo to dance. Your mother stayed at the party with JJ while a contingent from the party (along with Marie and I) went to Midnight Rodeo.  I don't remember a lot about Midnight Rodeo but I was putting the skills your mother taught me to task. Marie and I danced for much of the time and this time everything felt right (although maybe that was just the beer). She drove me home and I found out the truth in the cliche -"breaking up is hard to do".  We embraced and kissed. This was the moment I had been waiting for. It vindicated all my heartbreak and feelings I had for Marie. It was true, we were meant to be after all.