The Bridge of 23 Years

One of my colleagues at work died last weekend. He worked in a different department and I didn't know him all that well. That said, we had worked at the same school for twenty years. We would always say hello and our conversations were always short but pleasant. It's cliché, but I never heard a bad word about him from students, faculty or staff. He seems like a genuinely good person. 

He was only 54 and likely died of an aneurysm. I am….(checks ID)…an unbelievable 47.  

So, I have been thinking about my own mortality even more than usual. It’s not an exaggeration to say the thought of death lingers in my head at least 2-5 times a day and this was before this past weekend. I am reminded of dying when I drive because I have been in a serious car accident and have had friends die in car wrecks. I am reminded of death when my mom gives me the rundown of the old, sick, and dying from her church. I am reminded of death when my wife tells me someone on her "friends list" husband died. I am reminded when my imagination believes the headache is probably a brain tumor or when my wife doesn't answer my text for two hours. Thoughts of death or dying are part of my routine. 

This is definitely a form of neurosis, but when I think of death, it’s usually matter-of-fact. These thoughts shape me in many positive ways. This is why I am motivated to plan a new summer program at work or what pushes me to send check-in texts with my kids when they are at school. I become thankful for my morning coffee or I stop to feel the cool breeze as I walk to the office.  I am grateful for this neurosis.  

Earlier this week was driving and thinking about how I want to get to at least get into my 70s before I die. That is only (double-checks the math)….an unbelievable 23 years away. I started thinking that twenty-three years doesn't sound like a lot of time. In an attempt to make myself better, I tried to remember where I was 23 years ago...

In December of 2001, I was finishing my third semester of grad school.  I earned my undergraduate degree in May of 2000 and decided to attend grad school back home to save money. I lived with my folks and got a job as a substitute teacher. I got another part-time job working for a company that provided VHS and DVDs to grocery stores for rentals. 

Yeah, 23 years ago WAS a long time ago.

In September of 2001, I had gotten into a serious car accident and the accident still lingered in my daily thoughts. I felt lucky to be alive.  

I also remember feeling uneasy with the idea that my adulthood was stretching out in front of me. I was already plotting my next move. I didn’t know what it would be, but I thought it should be dramatic. I was thinking of moving out of state on a lark and seeing where life would take me.

After my last class in the fall of 2001, I was talking with a woman from my class in the parking lot. I liked her okay, she was smart and cute so I asked if we could get coffee sometime and she said yes. I didn’t know how that would work out but I remember feeling, “Why not? She seems nice enough…” but I never called her and I'm not really sure why. 

A few days later my good friend K came into town from LSU on winter break and I started hanging out with her and then….everything in my life turned upside down.  That story is told in great detail here.

Twenty-three years bridging the start of my marriage, to this random point in time, to (hopefully) bridging twenty-three more years to the age of 70. 

Truly at a mid-life point.

I like to joke that after your late 30s, you don’t experience a mid-life crisis, it’s just one series of crises, one after another.

Something happened this fall that really shook my wife and me to our core (and it wasn’t death). It affected others and it was my fault. It was a Grade-A fuck up from yours truly. It also opened up a lot of discussion on some struggles that I haven’t told anyone about because I figured I was doing okay just repressing those problems. I could pretend it really wasn’t an issue at all because I was doing just enough to push it out of my mind.  An anonymous blog is not the place to get into such things but despite it all, my amazing wife has proven she’s my best friend and the best partner I could hope to have. I don’t deserve her.

I don’t know how many years I have left. I do know all of my memories, achievements, and adventures mean nothing compared to the love I have experienced. Love of others, love of life. Love is the meaning of my life. 

Where will I be in twenty-three years?

I don’t know, but I hope it continues to be a life of love and grace. 

Thought of the Day

Guns may make you feel safe, but only love will save you.

Who Would Jesus De-friend? The Problem with American Christianity

One of my FB "friends" posted this the other day:

"If you in any way, shape, or form support Planned Parenthood, please unfriend me now. You are no friend of mine."

Of course, this was in response to the recent Planned Parenthood controversy. Of course, she is a conservative Christian.

My mind instantly contrasted her attitude with that of  Jesus'.  So, I thought of questions I could send her:

• Who would Jesus "unfriend"? 
• Wouldn't you be more likely to change a friend's mind on abortion if they remained your FB "friend"? 
• Might your attitude help reinforce stereotypes of the "Judgmental Christian"?
• Could your attitude help foster ill will towards your political allies and more importantly, Christianity? 

Of course I didn't send them.

I am sure she posted out of sheer anger and frustration. I am sure she felt compelled to preach the "truth" to others because she (and I) feel like we have little control over a crazy world around us. I suppose the real question to ask is:

When will Christians figure it out?

Love is the answer, not judging.

You will not change minds by being angry. You will not change minds by screaming at people in person or online on Facebook. You will most certainly not change minds by allying yourself with politicians. 20th century Christianity sold it's soul for 3 more decades of "cultural relevance" but its alignment with politics has left it bankrupt in the mind of the public.

Christians are seen as walking in lockstep with the GOP. Christians are often seen as mean, judgmental, anti-poor, even anti-tipping! Christians are generally seen to hate homosexuals and even science. The stereotype ain't that far off, either. They are defined by fear, repression and basically the word "no".

Judging others dismisses their perspective and makes the other person feel angry and not valued.

Love includes others in the conversation, listens and gains respect of the other person.

I don't blame my "friend" for the downfall of American Christianity, but she sure ain't helping either.

Confucius Didn't Say That!: Where's the Glory in That?

One of the most oft-repeated ideas and tropes in American culture is, "Never give up!". It's built into our very myths about who we are as a people. We even celebrate lost causes like the Alamo or in the South, many sadly still celebrate the ultimate lost cause, the Confederacy.  "Never say die!" is also a a tried-and-true movie plot device, (Rocky, Braveheart, Hoosiers, or basically any sports or fighting movie). The lesson is to always give you best and never give up. If you give up you, you're a failure.

This all brings me to the latest "fake quote" of Confucius:

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius 

It's true that when I first read this quote I thought of this old Dwayne Wade commercial (but I was wrong that it was a shoe commercial instead of a sugar water commercial):



Even taking into account how different many of the English translations of Confucius' purported ideas are, I have become familiar with the style and form of Confucius's sayings. He's rarely pithy or blunt. His ideas are nuanced and usually preceded by or followed by explanations or exposition.

This has none of the qualities of Confucius' style or tone.

The real issue is the value behind the quote. The quote implies that the "greatest glory" about being a human is our drive for individual success. There's nothing wrong with the idea of "try, try again" but the meaning is clearly aimed at motivating people to "never give up" or to continue striving for their goal.

I am not claiming that Confucius would be a quitter and "pack it up" as soon as the "going got tough". There is general support for the idea of perseverance and persistence in the Analects.

[17:5] Zi Zhang asked Confucius about fundamental human goodness. Confucius said, “If you can practice these five things with all the people, you can be called a fundamentally good person.”

Zi Zhang asked what they were.

Confucius said, “Courtesy, generosity, honesty, persistence, and kindness. If you are courteous, you will not be disrespected; if you are generous, you will gain everything. If you are honest, people will rely on you. If you are persistent you will get results. If you are kind, you can employ people.”

However, persistence only used for personal or worldly success would be obscene to Confucius. He would not be a fan of Chumbawamba's one hit in the 90's.

The "greatest glory" wouldn't be striving for something greater but in our relationships. 

For Confucius and later Confucian thinkers, individuals only made sense in their relationships with others. It's something of a Confucian obsession that if everyone knew "their place" in society (their relationships) then harmony could be achieved.  From a Confucian point of view, my drive for personal success should never come at the expense of others and it must come clearly within the boundaries of the traditional relationships. We see this most clearly in Confucius' ideas of Ren, which is usually translated as something like "humaneness". Ren was the ideal of what people were to live like:

[12:22] Fan Chi asked about the meaning of ren.

Confucius said “love others.”He asked about the meaning of “knowledge.”

The Master said, “Know others.”

Again, the idea is towards the inter-relatedness of one's success, it should never come at the expense of others,

[6:30].... Now the ren man, wishing himself to be established, sees that others are established, and, wishing himself to be successful, sees that others are successful. To be able to take one's own 
feelings as a guide may be called the art of ren.”

I once heard Ren described as "seeking the good in others". I'm sure that's more of an interpretative approach to the term, but I liked that. If I seek good in others, I can find empathy and understanding. 

It seems this has been a fake quote attributed to Confucius or "Chinese philosopher" for a long time. This one really surprised me, I thought it sounded like a wholly 1997 creation from the internet. However, it apparently it came from an Irishmen in the 1700's who wrote a fictionalized account of a Chinese philosopher living in London. So, this "fake quote" has been circulating for a long time and has been connected to China for over 3 centuries!


I'm not too fond of the quote itself. Well, okay, it sucks. 

While the quote's strength is its ability to adapt to almost anyone's circumstances, I think its usual application is that it's likely to be used on inspirational posters in a high school's guidance counselor's office. I am being a bit of a curmudgeon, but these fake quotes just irritate me. If someone is motivated by the quote to do better in school or at work, then kudos to them. Keep on truckin' friends.

Ultimately, I'll side with Confucius on this one, but I'll quote from another great thinker, Viktor Frankel, "The salvation of man is through love and in love." That is human's greatest glory. Without love, "rising" back up ceases to have any real meaning.

The Wonder Years: 1991-1992: Freshman Year

"Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house, like a lot of houses. A yard like a lot of other yards. On a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back... with wonder." - Last episode of The Wonder Years

A few years back I wrote a series of posts on how I met my wife. It was written to and for my kids in mind. I was cute and titled the series "How I Met Your Mother".  I am aware lots of couples have pretty good stories, but in fairness and by any measure of objectivity it's pretty epic (ya know, if you're into that kinda thing).

A few days ago I find myself thinking of the The Wonder Years and how I was almost the same age (11) as Kevin when the series started. It got me thinking back to my own adolescence and teenage years. I figured it would be nice to revisit the past and write down my memories before they are all forgotten in my old age. On an interesting note,  I am writing this about my "wonder years" at around the age my dad was when The Wonder Years came out. So, without further adieu. Here are the fragments of my freshman year in high school. 

 I watched that first kiss between Kevin and Winnie with my parents on the couch and me sitting on the ground. I blushed but dare not turn around. I didn't want to break it to them I liked girls too. 

If I am going to follow The Wonder Years, then technically I should be starting with my middle school years but I don't feel like it and it's my blog. Is there really any other reason needed?  

Let's get it out of the way, the 60's were a much more dramatic and colorful backdrop than the 90's. In every conceivable way. Although I do remember watching CNN on the first night of the Gulf War and thinking if that war really was the next Vietnam, I could be drafted in five years!

My 8th grade year had been a success. We had a good group of about 7-10 guys that hung out at lunch and after school. Some of us had band together, some of us played on the same YMCA basketball team and a few of us had been friends for years from church. Although, we weren't popular by any measure, we were middle-of-the-road, good kids. High school would be different and this little group would splinter into pieces.

I began my freshman year in high spirits in the fall of 1991 (about a month before the release of Nevermind). Marshall was a large high school and I didn't have any of my friends in any of my classes. Furthermore, I never even saw my friends once school started. I could wander the hallways and never see any of my good friends.   As far as I was concerned, it was like I was attending a different school from my best friends.

This might be the tannest picture of me ever. Look at me - there's color there! I remember this because I had gotten sun burned at the beach the week before. That shirt was so dope in 1991.

Lonely at Lunch

My first day of school at lunch, I found myself in a near-panic, I looked around feverishly for anyone I knew. Any ONE. There were already cliques and it became readily apparent that I didn't fit into any of them.

There were the "kickers", the tall guys that looked like they were in college, the freaks (proto-goths), the jocks, the drama club nerds, the ROTC geeks, the snobby hot girls, the ethnic tables of various types, the tough maybe-possibly-gang members, the preppy cool kids that went to parties and drank, and of course, the nerds and outcasts. It was a nightmare for a 14-year-old.

I finally found Chris, sitting at the end of a table in the middle of the cafeteria. Good ol' Chris. What a sight for sore eyes, it was Chris!!

Chris was a quiet kid that I was "pals" with back at middle school. We weren't "friends" by any means but Chris would do. Chris had saved me from utter humiliation (at least that's how it felt at the time).  Chris was a good kid, a little boring and probably pretty nerdy but then again, so was I. He was a little taller than me, had braces and always wore dark polo shirts with dark jeans. At least that's how I always remember him. He sometimes mumbled when he spoke and we had little in common. Nonetheless,we forged a friendship under the banner of loneliness and we were both better off for it.

We ended up sitting together every day at this same table. Sometimes, we sat close to a group of guys further down the table and they would sorta talk with us. Man, that felt good. I don't ever remember him being absent. When he was absent, I likely scarfed down my food and walked around outside trying to look busy or at least like I wasn't alone.

My Sister, My Foil 

My sister was a senior at Marshall as well, and I served as her foil in almost every way:

She was popular and out-going,
I was not popular and a natural introvert.
She was well-liked by her teachers and an over-achiever,
I was the kid that teachers forgot and an under-achiever in every way.
She was involved with school and seemingly knew everyone
I didn't do anything and kept my head down low so that no one would notice me.

My sister drove us to school in 1986 Toyota pick-up (that would later be my first car). It had bucket seats and a stick shift. We almost always picked up another friend of hers on the way to school. I didn't mind because this usually meant I was stuffed next to cute senior girl. One morning, she decided we would have to pick up an extra friend, but I'll save that story for the end.

It looked almost exactly like this one. I remember it fondly

Typical Freshman Fare - Random Memories 

The quality of teachers I had in my freshman year were horrible.  I loved history but my history teacher was awful. He was confrontational and mean. He would challenge students and always say, "How about those apples, huh?" He constantly sent people to the office and threw temper tantrums. Somewhere between weeks 6-10, he quit. No one was sad to see him go. We had about 5-6 subs and a whole grading term before finally finding a full-time sub. It was altogether a terrible experience.

My other teachers were average to sub-par and since I wasn't in any honor classes or extra curricular activities, I was around some pretty crappy kids and classrooms.

I was absolutely terrified of speaking with girls. Specifically, girls that I liked. I was scared of rejection. I was scared that word of that possible rejection would grow and that suddenly my status among my peers would be even lower. This fear paralyzed me for three years of high school and it made me miserable.  Always a dreamer but never actually doing anything. Making things worse was the fact that I hated myself for feeling this way to begin with.

My self-confidence was a 1.5 out of 10 from 1991-1994. Luckily, I had enough friends to keep me laughing and busy and a little bit of hope that things would one day be better. Hey, I was right! 

Of course my lack of self confidence didn't stop me from day-dreaming of asking a girl out to go steady.  Ever the hopeful romantic, I was always on the look-out for love. Sometime in the late fall, I found myself in my first serious high school crush.

It was Stacey from church. We rarely spoke to each other at church but I figured this connection had to help me. She was a tiny little brunette with freckles and beautiful blue eyes (or were they green?).
We passed each other every day in the passing period between fourth and fifth period.

This was the moment I looked forward to every day, if somehow we missed each other, it felt like a bad day. I planned my hair grooming around the event and would try to round this specific corner everyday at the same exact time. It was actually a little stressful.

We would see each other, smile and say "Hi". To my recollection, the first 20 times or more this happened, I was too scared to say anything but, "Hi". But eventually, this would change....

High School football is a big deal down here in Texas and our school in 1991 was pretty darn good. In fact, we had future NFL star in Priest Holmes and another NFL Vet ND Kalu on our team. Holmes was known as Anthony back in the day and he was a pretty nice guy. One time I found myself walking right next to him on campus and to my surprise found him about as tall as me!  He was amazing to watch every Friday or Saturday night. How many times, we wished for instant reply but to no avail.

I had another crush on a girl in my English class. It's getting a bit hazy but I think her name was Crystal. Crystal or Jessica. Or maybe something else. I may have forgotten her name, but I haven't forgotten her face. Or her hair. She sat in front of me so I would sit there staring (and smelling) her long, straight, black hair. She had big brown eyes and looked a little like Princess Jasmine (ya know, but human). She was different from most girls that I had liked. Very stylish and less of the girl-next-door vibe than usual.

I thought she was hot and eventually we got to talking from time to time.  To my surprise, we got along pretty well and eventually for some crazy reason she asked me if I could buy her a Cosmopolitan magazine because her mom would never let her get one. I had no idea why she was asking me this or if it was just a game to see how much control she had over me, but it got my brain running. I would have to somehow procure some cash (of course, I had no money), and then walk to the grocery store and then (gulp) actually buy a Cosmo magazine. When would I have time for this? I usually walked to the neighbor basketball court, so that could be my cover-story. Could I bring myself to actually buy this magazine? I figured the checker would think I was buying it for myself for uh, well,  "entertainment purposes". I thought about it for weeks but never had enough gumption to actually do it. Even for love, I was too embarrassed.

Soda in the Time of Love

English was my last class of the day, so sometimes, our teacher let us go out and get sodas from the machine at the front of the school (which wasn't too far from our room).  I have no idea why she would do this and just imagining a world where the high schools have soda machines again is pretty crazy. As I bought my Dr. Pepper (my drink of choice from 1988-2002) and noticed that the machine strangely spit my fifty cents out again.  I put my two quarters back into the machine and once again, I got a Dr. Pepper and the two quarters came spitting back at me.  I did this about 10 times or so until I couldn't carry anymore sodas. When I returned back to class, I was the hero for the day. I went back after school, made sure no one else saw me and managed to get another 5 or 6 and put them in my backpack.

The Epic of Stacey (or "How To Screwed Up A Sure Thing) 

I really did like the girl in English, but I was "in love" with Stacey (yeah, I am pretty sure I thought that).  Eventually, the "hellos" would grow into small talk in the hall way or at church. I was young and stupid and I had no idea if she liked me or if she was just being nice.  In retrospect, it's pretty obvious she liked me but as they say, "hindsight is 20/20". Even with doubts, I decided I would call her.

I was paralyzed with fear but had a huge advantage. The church directory. Having the directory downstairs by the family phone in the kitchen allowed me to skip the whole awkwardness of asking for a number and just move on the the anxiousness of making a cold call. I thought rejection by phone would be easier to take than rejection face-to-face.

My sister usually hogged the phone most nights, so I had to time my call carefully. As far as I was concerned I was on a SECRET-OPS MISSION.  No one could know how this went down, not friends and definitely not family. My worst fear was that my sister would pick up the phone and start to dial or worse still, she would pick up the phone and (horrors of horrors) actually listen. Yeah, those were the days, when you heard a click and were like, "I know you're on the phone -- hang up!!" I think I waited until she was watching TV or doing something for school.

Yeah, this was actually my phone in 1992. Take careful note of the cord. I was so excited when I got this phone and then when you plugged it in the cord was like 8 inches long. 

I took a deep breath and called her phone number. Stacey picked up and after just a few seconds, I asked her on a date. My idea was to ask her to the movies and I suggested The Addams Family (this was in the winter of '92) on the following Saturday.  I was pretty surprised when she said.......yes. Wonders of wonders, miracles of miracles, it was actually happening! I was beyond thrilled. I don't think we talked much after that I figured the less I talked the less likely I could screw it up. Up until this point, I think we had spoken for maybe a total of 45 minutes, but I was sure we had a LOT in common. I mean, we went to the same church, the same school, oh, and she wanted to see The Addams Family with me, so, there was that.

Yes, I was indeed on cloud nine the next few days, but.....there was something still hanging over me. My secret mission now had to be disclosed to everyone else, and most especially, my parents. I thought about just telling my sister and somehow concocting a cover story to hide the fact I was on a date. But no matter how many times I tried coming up with something, nothing seemed to make sense.  Looking back, I have no idea why I was so scared to tell them this was happening. I mean, they would have been happy it was with a girl from church! In my crazy head, I figured I would be hounded by embarrassing questions, innuendo about how "cute" it was, I just felt totally uncomfortable with the whole idea. I was paralyzed by shyness and awkwardness.

Saturday kept getting closer and closer and I growing more and more terrified.  kept putting off telling my folks about the date and suddenly, it was Saturday afternoon. I couldn't do it. It started to rain outside and I had these crazy ideas to somehow trick my sister into driving us to the theater but I froze up. Unbelievably, I called Stacey and cancelled our date.  I have no idea what excuse I made up, but I was so ashamed of myself, I never even called her back.

This little episode was re-lived over and over in my head for the next few months (and years). I deconstructed it, made excuses for it and I probably even dreamed about it. Eventually, I got enough gumption to ask her out again in the summer of 1992. And then one Sunday, she brought a boy to church named Dorian. In that instant, I knew I had waited too long.

Oh, how I hated Dorian. I hated his cool hair, the fact that he was older than me. I especially hated his name. Dorian. Looking back it's easy to see I hated Dorian because I hated myself for what I hadn't done. That should have been me!

Stacey dated Dorian for a little over a year. I waited around thinking I could wait their relationship out. However, as soon as she broke up with Dorian, there was an immediate replacement, Chris (no, not my friend from lunch). He was even older than Dorian and was actually in college. I was stunned. The guy was 6"2 and looked like he was 30 to my 15 year-old eyes. There had been no gap, no chance for me to even know she had been single! I was so mad. I felt like life had kicked me when I was already down.  Stacey went on to marry Chris after my freshman year in college.

The good news is I never had to sit through The Addams Family. Never did see this crappy movie.   

I was heartbroken but I knew that was a part of life. I've always been blessed with a laid back, reality-based attitude. I knew these things happened and the rules of probability would eventually fall my way. After all, Kevin and Winnie had a rocky path as well.

My grades were pretty average. An occasional A, more B's, lots of C's and a sprinklings of D's.  I didn't really care about school all that much except to pass my classes. I forged a few progress reports because I would be failing at least one class per 6-week term and I didn't want my dad yelling at me. My grades would only get worse in the next two years.

My freshman year wasn't all bad.  I had a great group of friends. Philip, Adam and Steve at Marshall and Doug from church (who went to one of our rival schools, Taft).  I was busy with basketball after school (we had some epic games), hanging out at the mall on the weekends, talking about girls and sports forever, having sleep-overs and playing video games late into the night. I also stayed busy with youth group activities at church, Doug and I had a blast being goofy and hanging out. Without my friends I honestly don't know how I would have made it out of high school without the need of therapy.

The Story of the Bumpy Ride 

I am sure there are many more drama-filled stories to tell but they are forgotten in the mists of time. But there is one more story to tell and it goes back to that old Toyota truck.

As I said above, my sister would always give rides to her friends to and from school. One day, she told me she had to pick up two girls on the way to school. It was cold outside and I knew we would get in trouble if I rode in the bed of the truck, so this meant one thing: a girl was going to to have to sit in my lap in this tiny truck.

I  saw this picture and the memories came flooding back. Even the little imperfections of our particular truck came back to me. 

My sister's friend lived a few streets down from us and she was very pretty. Understand that this 1986 Toyota pickup did not have what I would call "good shocks". I was a 14 year-old young man, riding with a beautiful (did I say pretty? Because I meant beautiful) young lady in my lap in a pick-up truck bouncing around the road on the way to school.

To explain the challenge further would be to belittle it.

I fought so hard that morning. With ever fiber of my being I thought of every NBA statistic that I could muster. All-time leader in points? Blocks? Which top-ten statistical categories was David Robinson in?  I thought of school, even the music playing on the radio (that is, until I realized it was a sexually suggestive song). About half way to school, I was in in total check but somewhere along the ride, something happened.

It was half-mast.

I was sweating like never before all the while pretending nothing was amiss. Maybe she could feel it, maybe not. I couldn't be too sure. But half-mast it stayed. Somehow I had willed it.

Luckily, there were only a few minutes left. My torture was over. I quickly exited the car and got the heck out of dodge.

Next year would be worst of all high school years. If you're still reading this one, I have no idea why you wouldn't read the next one, as you must be easily entertained.

How I Met Your Mother VI: The Leap (2001-2002)

Some people think their lives are governed by fate, God or (the most silly of them all), "the universe".  I expect most of us have found ourselves in a circumstance that seems almost magical.  We might imagine ourselves experiencing events that seem quite impossible to happen in a purely material universe. It's an appealing idea and it makes us feel like that there really is a master plan after all.

Note: If there is a master plan, I am assuming it can't be stolen by Time Bandits. But then again, the universe may turn out to be far more absurd than we realize. Seriously, go watch this film if you haven't already.

I believe in God but this doesn't mean that I think everything in life is predestined or ordained to happen.  No big surprises here but I don't have the answers to these timeless questions about destiny, fate or "God's plan". This much I can tell you: for most of my life my mother prayed for me to meet a woman like your mother. In 1994 that prayer came true. However, I hope that after reading this story it's clear that in life we always have choices. Everyday, we wake up and make choices on who we are going to be and how we are going to act. So it's true that I think God brought us together but we still had to take a leap of faith. Together.

By the fall of 2001, Kathryn had gone back to LSU and I was entering my second year of graduate school in San Antonio. We didn't have as much contact as you would think (you have to understand that neither of us owned our own cell phone and long-distance calls were still expensive). I do remember a few email and phone calls being exchanged between us.  In September, JJ and I were on our way to visit Eric in Abilene and I managed to almost kill us in a car accident when several deer ran in front of my pickup truck. I flipped the truck about six times but you already knew where my scar came from and that's a different story.

All my other friends had significant others so JJ and I were the only single guys left. We ended up hanging out at least once every two weeks. We would complain about Rick and Clinton and about how our two love interests couldn't see the truth (the truth: that obviously, we were infinitely more desirable then our counterparts, of course). I even shared a "concept album" mix CD I had made about the Marie Saga that I thought he might relate to.

Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, things went from bad to worse in Kathryn and Rick's relationship. Your mother had been plagued by doubt about the relationship while Rick was ready for a possible engagement. Sometime in October, after weeks of soul searching, Kathryn ended the relationship. There were other factors in their break up but the truth was Kathryn was ready to get back with JJ. When she called me with the news, I was giddy. Two of my best friends were going to be  together.

When Kathryn had told JJ that she was ready to get back together and renew their relationship - JJ said he was unsure about how he felt. The next day JJ and I met for lunch to talk about the big news. When he told me he was unsure about what do next, I was flabbergasted.

This was the guy who for months had said he would do anything to get Kathryn back and now....now he was telling me he had doubts?  I was downright angry once I got over my shock at what was happening. I had prayed to God for another chance with Marie  and he might be throwing his own chance away? This was the first time I doubted that JJ was the right man for your mother.

In the coming weeks, I was hearing from both Kathryn and JJ. For the first time I felt like my loyalties were being tested. Who exactly should I be loyal to? What did "loyal" even mean in this situation? I felt like the middle man and I didn't feel comfortable with this arrangement. I wanted them to work it out on their own. Once Kathryn got back in town, I planned on laying low and hopefully letting them spend a lot of time together to figure it all out.

The winter break arrived and JJ and Kathryn were "dating" but not seeing very much of each other. JJ even mentioned to me his interest in another woman, as if he was completely single.  I didn't even know how to respond to him. They were definitely not back together, only taking things slow by "dating". On the flip side, Kathryn and I were talking everyday, not only about JJ but just having a good time. One afternoon, I went over to her house and we watched a movie and I had a paraffin wax treatment on my fingernails. We had a blast hanging out. After a week of seemingly constant contact, we were becoming best friends. I remember my feelings bubbling up, but I did my darnest to suppress them.

At some point, plans were drawn up to go to Midnight Rodeo - Danny, Jenny, JJ, Kathryn and myself all rode together in the same car. Kathryn and I had been "dance partners" for the last two summers but this night I was going to have to defer to JJ (even if he wasn't much of a dancer). JJ and Kathryn didn't dance to the first few songs so the three of us just hung out as Danny and Jenny danced. I don't remember how it all went down, but eventually Kathryn and I danced. I know JJ and Kathryn danced that night but it wasn't as much as we had. On the long drive home, Kathryn and I were in the backseat with Jenny and JJ was up front with Danny. I remember laughing a lot about something silly. JJ was oddly quiet. The next day Kathryn told me JJ had been jealous that we had been getting along so well that night.

A few days later, I was driving to pick up a quick bite to eat and I saw Marie jogging in the neighborhood. An hour later we were still talking in my pickup truck. We hadn't had much contact since the spring but after this conversation I felt like we hadn't missed a beat. The Christmas party was in a few days and I found myself asking myself (almost unbelievably) were we really doing this again? Was I going to risk heartbreak by letting hope into my heart?

Although we couldn't have known it, in reality the Christmas party really was Marie and JJ's last chance with either one of us.  For most of the night, your mother and I stayed apart and floated around our respective love interests. I even remember leaving the party and seeing Kathryn and JJ together. I remember thinking they didn't seem to be having a good time together - they seemed so serious. This was only an impression I had, I have no idea what was going on in their heads. I had a great time with Marie that night and after the party we even grabbed some late night tacos together. This time I was at peace with the situation; I still liked Marie but I was determined to not make the same mistake twice. At least for one more night, your mother and I were still blinded by our past and unable to see the opportunity right in front of us.

A few days later I was invited to Philip's family's annual Christmas Eve party. Philip always wanted me to ask Kathryn out - even when I wasn't on board. He would tell me that Rick and JJ were no good for her and that we should just "get it over with" and date. It all seemed so simple to him and I usually just dismissed him. I have to admit that his encouragement helped keep the idea alive. Philip knew I was having mixed feelings about Kathryn and he was eager just to push me even further in that direction. He told me to tell Kathryn that he had personally invited her to come and that he would even call her if I wanted him to. He told me it would feel casual as we all lived just a few streets from each other.

We did have a lot fun at the Christmas Eve party. Afterwards, I drove Kathryn home and we talked in the car for well over an hour about life, love, everything. As I drove home well after 2:00 AM, I thought how we were doing everything together like we were a couple. We continued seeing each other every other day and talking every single day. There are too many small stories to tell. For New Year's Eve JJ had asked Kathryn to go on a date so I was left to make plans on my own. It felt weird to be apart on a holiday.

At this point I had feelings for Kathryn but I felt guilty for doing so. I was trapped and I knew the only honorable thing to do was to remain her friend. It seemed it just wasn't meant to be, our timeing was off. Kathryn had just broken up with Rick, tried to get back to JJ, I needed to just be her friend.  . On January 2nd, Kathryn and I tried to organize a night out at Midnight Rodeo. It seemed like everyone was out of town or couldn't go - even JJ couldn't make it. So, it was just your mother and I, dancing again. We just seemed to fit together well. This was the night I officially and undeniably fell for your mother. I wrote in my journal the following day,

"...she's my best friend and she's beautiful, what more can you need? But it's not the right time….I feel that this needs to work it self out, somehow. And I don’t want to play that part, that way..."

A few nights later, Philip's girlfriend Doris was having a birthday party at a club called Banana Joe's. Of course, Philip told me to invite Kathryn. This time Philip's positive vibes were paying off - I was ready to make a move. As we drove downtown to the club, it definitely felt different. If Midnight Rodeo was "safe dancing" between friends; Banana Joe's was more of the "club dancing" type of place. After a few minutes of hanging out and having a drink or two, we all went out on the dance floor. This time things the dancing was a littler more closer, a little more personal. Tonight was different.

At Banana Joe's the night everything changed.

We went for tacos after the club and I was ready to tell her I loved her right there at Chacho's but I hadn't mustered up the courage yet. It seemed like events were out of control and were moving at light speed. Something that had seemed unimaginable, radical, crazy just a few days ago now seemed natural, almost logical.

I went home on cloud nine but I was soon floating back to earth, surrounded by questions. Was I really going to risk losing two great friendships?

Timeout: I want to make this next part crystal clear. 

Yes,  I was feeling guilty about the whole thing. JJ and I were  friends after all.  However, Kathryn and JJ were not exclusively dating. I would not even consider acting this way had they been a "couple" even if they were an unhappy couple at that.  In my opinion at the time, he wasn't all that interested in dating her.  It's true because I had spent more time with her that winter break than he did. For whatever reason, he did not feel comfortable spending much time with Kathryn.  Furthermore, he had expressed doubts about their future to me personally sometime in November or December.  This was after weeks of me personally telling him to "not blow it" back in October and November--even before I had an inkling that this would happen.  

That next evening we made plans to hang out at Jim's together. I had decided that I was going to tell her about my feelings at Jim's. With just a few minutes before I left my house I started to get very nervous. The stakes were high. What if she wasn't ready to date anyone? What if Banana Joe's was just a mistake? Was I ready to leave Marie behind for good? If we dated and our experiment failed, my friendship with Kathryn and JJ would likely be over. I would lose two of my best friends.

I felt like I needed God to guide me. I got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed that if this wasn't to be, for God to stop it somehow. I prayed that I would have the right words to say. I think I even prayed that your mother felt the same way too. On the way to Jim's we cobbled together some small-talk -- we both knew we had to discuss something much more important that night. Over a vanilla milkshake and a hot chocolate, I confessed my feelings to your mother. It was in this moment where our lives changed forever.

I told your mother that even though I had tried not to, I had feelings for her and I thought we should try to date. I told her I wouldn't risk these relationships for just anyone, only for the chance of an extraordinary relationship. I told her I thought we could be something special. Before she said a word I was already comforted because she was smiling.

We talked for hours that night. About what Marie and JJ would think and about how crazy fast this was going but how organic it felt. We ended up watching a movie at my house mainly because we didn't know what else to do and because I think we didn't want our night to end so early. After the movie, your mother was walking out of my parent's kitchen. I met her as she was walking back towards the living room in front of the bookshelf that now resides in our living room.

I can't remember what we talked about but we were soon hugging. I looked into your mother's eyes and I knew it was time. Almost seven years after our first date, I finally kissed your mother for the first time. It was worth the wait. Through all the parties, funerals, long conversations, tears, laughs and the hours of dancing, we found ourselves together, at last, as best friends.

It was, of course, only the beginning.

Those first few days I was terrified JJ would want her back and she would go back with him. I was half-right. When Kathryn told JJ that we would start dating, his doubts about their relationship suddenly disappeared. He was ready to commit. When Kathryn told Marie, she was also upset (yes, she had a boyfriend, but she was definitely confused with her feelings at the time). We took a big leap that night at Jim's. We trusted God and trusted in ourselves that we felt this was the right. It paid off in full. We were in love; a scary, life-affirming love. The kind of love that makes you doubt it's even real, but it was and it still is real today. It is my most sincere hope that you will find this type of love in your life. There's no promise that you will but if you do find it and you're sure (and you are over the age of 21) then never let it go.

Life is short but "love is as strong as death". You see I can rest a little more easy tonight because I know this story can live a little longer after I am dead and gone. The future is uncertain but I hope whenever and where-ever you are reading this you have found something in this story to take with you. At the worst maybe you'll appreciate the very fragility of your existence. I love all of you so dearly and I will always be there for you if I am able. If I'm around right now, please give me a hug. Go ahead, I'll wait as you track me down in the other room. So it's time to close this long tale - for now you know the full story of how I met your mother.

Postscript (2018):  Well, you know how the story ended up but for those strangers out in internet-land I want to note that Marie was a bridesmaid at our wedding and after a few awkward years, we both rekindled our friendship with JJ.  Oh, and we're still having those annual Christmas parties, except this time there's a lot less drama and more kids running around.

How I Met Your Mother V: The Timing of Fleeting Feelings (2001)

There are times in life that you think you can "will" things to change.

You think you can love someone so much that they will have to love you back. That evening in late 2000 didn't change anything with Marie. I was told it was only a "fleeting feeling". Later I told Marie that, "everything in life is in the timing and we had everything but the timing". For whatever reason, that night just wasn't enough to change her mind. I was right about one thing though- timing was everything. I just didn't know how blessed I was in that department.

That winter and spring (2001) I was busy with substitute teaching and graduate school. The summer came but the magic and fun of 2000 couldn't be re-created. Philip now had a steady girlfriend in Doris and we only went to Midnight Rodeo about 5-6 times the entire summer (and with a notably smaller crew). However the summer of 2001 was different. I started gaining confidence in asking other women to dance at Midnight Rodeo. I dated a couple of girls that summer and even though neither worked out; they only emboldened me to do things I never dreamed about doing before. I even asked for the number of a checker at Barnes & Noble (I did score the number but after one odd phone conversation it seemed well enough to leave it at just that). I remained hopeful that I would find love - maybe it was just around the corner.

If the Marie Saga seemed to have come to inglorious end, your mother's own drama was just heating up. Her boyfriend Rick was back in Baton Rouge but JJ was here in San Antonio. Kathryn and JJ saw each other a few times as friends but it became clear that he wanted her back. Kathryn was having doubts - maybe JJ really was the guy for her?

In July, Rick came into town for Kathryn's birthday. JJ asked me if he thought he should send flowers to Kathryn's house for her birthday. I didn't think that much of it really, so I said "sure". Rick had already had issues with Kathryn's friendship and contact with JJ. When the flowers were delivered, Rick was furious. He blew up at Kathryn and said she should have given the flowers back to the delivery man. He was losing his cool and from my vantage point, this made JJ look even better.

I found myself in a conundrum. I was Kathryn's friend but I was also loyal to JJ. I wasn't real impressed with what I was hearing about Rick but I didn't want to trash the guy either. Of course most boyfriends aren't thrilled when an ex-boyfriend is sending flowers. He had every right to feel defensive. When I spoke to your mother I parsed my words carefully when the topic of Rick or JJ came up (which was often). Deep down, I really wanted to see Kathryn get back together with JJ. After all, I might not have gotten my girl back but I could work the case for my friend.

The year before it had felt like Kathryn was my confidant. This year our roles had reversed. We trusted each other enough to share each other's deepest fears and concerns. Besides all the serious stuff, we just liked hanging out together. Somehow on my birthday I found myself alone (no, seriously I don't know how this happened).  I was watching TV in my room when Kathryn called to see what I was doing for my birthday. I told her I was just watching TV but it was clear that this was going to be unacceptable. Within minutes she picked me up and took me to dinner at Chili's. You see I loved your mother before we ever kissed. I loved her as friends do.

Kathryn and I visited Eric one night when he came into town to visit his parents. The seasonal and holiday get-together's at the Schmidt house were becoming few and far between as more and more of the crew found themselves moved away, married or otherwise preoccupied with life. I don't remember the exact circumstances but we found ourselves talking on the tailgate of my truck under the stars in front of the Schmidt's house. We were talking about Rick and JJ again when Kathryn started to cry. I ached for her as I helped dry her tears. That moment has always stayed with me.

Kathryn only had a few days before she was going back to Baton Rouge. It was the last real weekend of the summer and we found ourselves going to Leon Springs Dance Hall with Danny and Jenny. We had a great time and danced all night. We knew each other's gait and every move; we really were dance partners. It was a little odd because this night felt like a double-date, as Danny and Jenny were already romantically involved. As much as I was trying to deny it, I liked the way it felt. It was getting late and as the hall was clearing out - we all started for the door. I don't remember whose idea it was but we decided for one last dance of the summer. 

The dance floor was practically cleared as we began to dance to a slow song. We danced underneath the always on Christmas lights and as we did;  it seemed something was different. The slow dance had brought out something in both of us; a tension that had never quite been there before. I had tried to deny this feeling because Kathryn was already confused between two guys. Besides, I was JJ's friend - this just couldn't happen.

There are moments in life that make you feel almost electric almost more alive than usual. For me, this was one of those special moments. Much later, I came to find out that it was during this dance, for the very first time your mother thought of me as possibly "more than friend". She told me it was only a "fleeting feeling" but we already know how important those can be.  That last dance of the summer was the real start to how your mother and I fell in love.

How I met your Mother: Part III: It was the Worst of Times (1999)

It was 9:00 AM on January 1, 1999. I was driving home from Elizabeth Trevino's New Year's Eve party and I was on top of the world. After much communication between Marie and I in the fall of 98', we had gotten back together in December and it felt like everything was going my way. We had a great time at the party with the whole choir crew and I remember thinking as I drove home, "So far, this year has been perfect". Little did I know my world was going to be crashing down around me in the coming year.

In just a few short weeks, on Friday, February 12th - Mikey died in a car accident. Most everyone from the choir crew was able to make it back to San Antonio from their various universities to the memorial service and funeral. It was all so terribly sad. Mikey was the glue of our little circle of friends - her passing made the group feel closer than ever before. One of the best things I can say about Mikey was that she was an individual - she was her own person. Those of us who loved her still miss her.

Sometime that terrible weekend, Marie suggested she thought it would be a good idea if we weren't an exclusive couple anymore. She thought it might be good for us to see other people as it seemed to her that we were getting too serious. I was shocked - not only at the thoughtless timing of the idea but that this was even happening all over again. In March my Mom was diagnosed with an aggressive case of breast cancer. In that 2-3 month period I had never felt so much anger and sadness in my life.

It wasn't all bad though. That spring I ran for Student Body President (as a joke/protest candidate), my friend and roommate Doug and I had our first and last "real" college party and we usually had a blast at doing whatever hi-jinks we were up to. Nonetheless, all my fun still couldn't mask the sadness I had inside.

Your mother and I weren't in contact much at all that semester. I think she had her own long-distance relationship drama as JJ (who was at Texas State). That summer I went to school and worked in College Station. I didn't come in town all that much as I had to occasionally work on Saturdays. Sometime during the summer I made it back into town to see friends and visit the folks.

Our friend Danny was moving into a new apartment and it seems like he solicited just about everyone he knew to help. After we finished the move, we ordered pizzas and hung out at the new place. Eventually a movie got put on, but I was restless and wound up in the kitchen talking with whoever was there. At some point Kathryn came in to get a drink and we talked for the first time in a very long time. I remember sliding around on my socks as spoke (although this may well be wrong, because, after all,  I'm found of sliding around in my socks at all times). During our conversation I was reminded that Kathryn was (and is) just an all-around good person. Surprisingly, I felt at home with her even though the past few years we hadn't really talked much at all.

Because your mom is such a sweetheart she listened to me as I unloaded to her about my heartbreak over Marie (no, of course I wasn't over her). She even told me Marie still spoke about me at LSU and this gave me much needed hope. For the first time, it dawned on me that Kathryn could be getting me good intel from LSU. I could have a spy on the "inside" in the fall!

That school year Kathryn and I emailed each other a few times and we spoke a little more often. Generally, we sought out each other's company a little more at our group's social functions. A new friendship was forming, one that we both could have never imagined would wind up being so important. We were going to best friends one day.

How I Met Your Mother, Part II : Lessons Learned (1995-1998)

For as long as I can remember I wanted to fall in love. I had dated a number of different girls but I felt like I had never really made that deep connection. Maybe it was a false sense of expectation or maybe I watched too many movies but I dreamed, even yearned to fall in love. I have a notebook full of bad poetry to prove it too.

Well, every dog has his day and one rainy summer night, it finally happened.

Like most good love stories, the beginning of our relationship was quite unexpected. I was attending a community musical (The Mikado) with Eric, Mikey and her boyfriend BJ to see a number of our choir friends perform, including your mother. After the play was over, the whole crew talked and we made plans to eat at IHOP. After dinner a few of us hung out at the Eric and Mikey's house to watch a movie. I sat on the couch and ended up talking for hours over a People magazine with a very cute girl.

Sure we had known each other before that night, but this time something was different. Most girls I had dated didn't seem to have strong opinions and the dates I went on felt awkward (surely it wasn't me that was the awkward one, right?). While this wasn't a date - it was very, very intriguing. I drove home that night excited about the possibilities. I didn't know it but I had just fallen in love for the first time.

This, of course, was not the night I fell in love with your mother - that wouldn't be for awhile.

It was 1997 when Marie and I started dating. This was my first "real" relationship and I was happier than I had ever been. Marie and I shared a wonderful summer that was a boon to my notebook as it was now being filled up with love poems. We shared an ability to deconstruct anything and anyone. Our conversations reveled in discussing minutia, the mundane and the design flaws of restaurants. It was a Seinfeld fan's dream come true. The one complication that hung over the summer was that I had just been accepted at Texas A&M and would be leaving in the fall.

Meanwhile, your mother was in a relationship with our mutual friend, JJ. Do I have to even say it? Yes, he was part of the choir crew as well.

Note: This choir crew was a loosely organized group. It wasn't a tight knit group although at times, it could be. Between, 1995-2000, we had about 12-15 consistent members without accounting for the various additional boyfriends or girlfriends and a rotating cadre of guest stars who would enter our group for seasons at a time.  I would say only a few times a year would the group be all together.  As incestuous as it all sounds, I was the only one (besides your mother) who seriously dated more than one of the members of the group. Looking back I am surprised there wasn't more dating from within the group. 

JJ and Kathryn dated for a long time. They were great together. I loved both of them as friends and I remember thinking that they would be one of those couples that would be married shortly after college.  They seemed to get along so well.  Marie and I even went out on a double date that summer with the lovely couple (both your mother and I have vivid memories of this date at Carraba's).

While we were happy in our own little worlds, your mother and I can barely have said to have a friendship from late 1995- 1998. Of course we were friendly but we usually only saw each other at parties or at the Schmidt's house during a break from school. I do have one distinct memory of talking with Kathryn at the Schmidt's house one Christmas break in 1996. Most of the guys were throwing a football outside but Kathryn and I chatted on the couch for about half an hour. It was the first time I realized that Kathryn had changed since we had dated. She seemed different.  She didn't seem so much like the "goody goody" label I had placed on her. She was a real person - and cute.  

Well, that magical summer of 97' finally came to an end. Marie and I decided to try the "long distance relationship" otherwise known as sure-fire failure to all people under the age of 21. We maintained our relationship during the fall semester and I visited a few times throughout the fall. In retrospect I think I didn't visit as often as much as I should have. During the holidays, we were reunited and we (seemingly) had a great time - I was still in love.

At the famous annual Christmas Party (1997).  

By February (1998) - something changed for Marie. She didn't like the long distance between us but the bigger issue was she had the hots for some lunk head at the gym. So, my first foray into love had fizzled out. For the record the guy from the gym had an abnormally large head (having said that he could probably tie me into a pretzel had I ever told him that to his face).

I was devastated. The night we broke up was the night before a geography exam. I was living in the dorms on campus and I shared a room - I was going to have to cry somewhere else. I walked around aimlessly on the dark campus trying to make sense of it all and sniffle in the cold. I visited the chapel for the warmth but I soon realized I still had to study. I went straight to bed and bombed it the next day. Don't let it be said your father isn't a romantic.

Thus began the long (and very annoying) Saga of Marie (pending trademark). You see this wasn't the end of our relationship - it was only the beginning of an on-again-off-again romantic relationship and then the not friends-best of friends-maybe friends that kiss and then not friends at all thing. I will spare you the details, but some will be forthcoming as they are necessary to understand how your mother and I finally starting dating again. Later that spring Marie and Kathryn decided to attend LSU together in the fall of 1998.

While the Saga of Marie continued, so did life. I liked my new life at A&M but I still felt a little bit like the odd man out.  I was still adjusting to my new life with a whole new set of friends in College Station.  However, in the summer of 1998 and continuing into the fall, I changed. I had been evolving ever since my senior year in high school but now I fully loosened up to the possibilities of who I could be. It was as if I had finally let the up-tight, conservative, know-it-all Neil finally be put to rest. I was having a blast but I just couldn't put Marie behind me.

Sometimes in life there are roads we have to take before we find our redemption. I could have never been the man I was for you mother without my experiences with Marie. For all the drama and pain, I owe Marie a debt of gratitude. She taught me so much about myself and about what I wanted from a serious relationship. More importantly, she made me believe I could be loved back and was worthy of romantic love.

I don't necessary believe in destiny (although maybe you could sell me on a destiny-lite with a strong dash of free-will --but get back to me on that in a decade or two). What I do know is that we always have choices. Choices on how to respond and what to do when we hurt. Chances are someday you will have a broken, messed up, heart-breaking relationship.  I don't wish it on anyone, but often that's part of growing up. I hope you put in the work to find the meaning for yourself. Just remember, every heartbreak has to end sometime.