Being Grateful in Dark Times: An Ode to the Morning

There is a lot to be said for all shit happening in the world today. There is a malaise of cynicism and hopelessness in the air of late. It would be there no matter what my personal experiences but....

It's now interfering with my job and how I do it. I am learning to navigate in choppy seas, learning how to ride the waves the best I can while retaining a sense of subversiveness and integrity.  K might lose her job because of politics, cruelty, greed, and ignorance. 

One of the things keeping me from being black-pilled is knowing that’s what “they” want me to feel like.

Here’s a small list of what I am grateful for off the top of my head: 

• Mornings that are a bit on the cool side
• Petting a cat in my lap or nearby
• A good cup of coffee
• Watching people from my office window
• Reading late at night (currently on the Libby app on dark mode)
• Bean and cheese tacos
• Cooking
• Dates with my wife
• Driving E to school in the mornings, we have our little routine
• Hoping for better times
• Planning for traveling (work or family) 
• Knowing my workplace is a bit like Cheers, I feel safe there
• Listening to an NBA podcast as I get ready in the morning or driving somewhere

I noticed how many of the items and things above are morning-centric. I don’t feel like a morning person, but I suppose I am in some ways. Heck, I even associate bean and cheese with the morning. 

In the morning, I feel hopeful, a bit in wonderment of what the day might bring. The world is fresh and full of possibility. While I get ready, there is a sense of purpose and action. 

As the afternoon wanes, I begin to realize time is running out, and I begin to see what won't be crossed off the to-do list (or sometimes what was even started). Plans are made to end the day at work, pick up or cook dinner and pick up the kids. 

By the time the evening comes, I've gotten comfy and maybe a bit tired, time is running out to get things done. 

In bed, I sometimes stare up at the dark ceiling and think about the mundane, the sublime, and everything in between. It is in this space I often remember, time is running out, even on my life. So I am grateful for the little things and the hope that the morning light brings. 

I am planning to blog a bit in May when I have more time (ha ha). I would like to do another “Confucius Didn’t Say That” blog post, finally finish a video game retrospective (80% already done), and there was ANOTHER found art object on campus the other day that I took a photo of. 

In the meantime, don’t lose hope and don’t forget to turn the lights out when you leave your home. 

How 2020 Didn't Suck (a personal and incomplete list)

2020 has been a terrible and tragic year. My condolences to anyone reading this that has lost a loved one due to COVID. My wife's grandmother was a victim this past summer. 

That said, 2020 could have been worse. One of my constant strivings is to have more gratitude in my life. So here are the ways 2020 didn't suck for me (somewhat in chronological order). 

We moved into our new home the first week of January. Hard to believe it's been almost one year. We had a ton of help from wonderful people. So glad we were here during the pandemic. We needed the room when all the kids were here for school. 

We went to an amazing Ben Folds concert in February. He played a great set, basically, what I thought a Ben Fold concert would be...he was funny and we had a blast.  It was a bit of an indulgence but he is one of the last performers I want to see before I die (still have Sloan to get to one of these days). 

We were able to take a family trip to New Orleans right before (or as) the pandemic was starting. In retrospect, if we knew then what we know now, we would have never gone. However, the world was different and it all felt so far away. Our trip included a visit to the Whitney Plantation. I whole-heartily recommended it to all Americans.  It is the only plantation in the US that focuses exclusively on the lives of slaves, it is ugly and sad but also beautiful. Check it out if you ever find ourself in NO, it's just a little ways out of town.  We also got to eat really good food and had fun exploring the city including getting caught in a rain storm one evening.  We had a lot of fun taking the trolley from our hotel to the city park and had a lovely time there (including riding a two-person bike that carried our whole family).  We were soooo lucky we were able to have a family trip before the pandemic. It was a family trip that we'll remember forever. 

It feels like a different world doesn't it? 

The pandemic hit and the first few weeks, we made the most of it. We had our own art show in the house, had a Chip Dinner, with pretzels, chips, nachos, etc. (this will become an annual event at our home) and had a fun game night with prizes. 

I also let my oldest daughter shave my legs for five bucks. Yeah, I charged her for that.  

We were outside a lot more. The natural world was my wife's refuge and she and my son bonded over fishing in a park about 40 minutes away. They went there nearly once every two weeks at some point. Closer to home, we explored our nearest park and discovered a back trail with a ton of wild blackberries (dubbing the path "Blackberry Way").  

I admit I do not know the name of this variety but they were delicious. We made several trips over late March-early April. Stuff just tastes better when you are finding it yourself! 

I watched some good television. My favorites included The Plot Against America and The Watchmen (which was outstanding). I started The Good Place and it's fine but I kinda got bored sometime in Season 2.  I'll finish it up soon (maybe). The Mandorlarion season 2 was just okay, too much fan service at the end though. 

Another photo from a Mother's Day outing. 

This photo comes from a nature walk June. This was a serene, lonely walk I was able to take as I snuck away from the fam for a few minutes. I could hear the echoes of people far away as I sat down to enjoy the view of the water. It was wonderful. 

I was able to write about Carl freaking Barks for a graduate course and I will be presenting that paper on a panel this summer at a conference (crossing fingers we can still go). I might post about this when it happens. 

I was also able to write about Confucius for my second class, which was great. It felt good to dive into something I know well and I learned a ton as well. I wrote about the relationship between Yan Hui and Confucius for those scoring at home. 

Overall, my wife planned many outings and I have to say she was definitely one of the better things of 2020. 

We went to the beach in June and later in July to celebrate my wife's birthday. Both times, I must admit, I had a great time. Usually, I am not a huge fan of the beach but these trips were special. We splurged a bit on the second trip at a stay at a very nice Airbnb (although we spilt the cost with my inlaws). 

At sunrise, me and the boy (age 8).

I did a lot more of the cooking the last 10 months, in part because I wanted to and in part, because my wife has more voice lessons in the late afternoon/early evening. I think the best thing I made was Chicken Parmesan. I did some other stuff that was good but just not as outstanding as this dish...shoulda taken some pics! 

Oh yeah, Trump lost. Think of it, the guy has lost the popular vote in two elections by a combined total of over 10 million votes. What a big, diarrhea-faced baby. I don't usually wish bad things to happen to people, its kinda of a personal value of mine, but I'm not rooting for this guy's health. Trump is a dangerous cancer to our society and I'm hoping the patient undergoes chemo and radiation soon. 

I played a bunch of retro games since the pandemic and I added some Genesis classics to my SNES classic. I finally beat  Rocket Knight Adventures. I had that game as a kid and it beat the crap out of me back then. Why were games so hard back then???  Of course, I beat it with save states, do you think I am insane and I have the time to dedicate my life to the game? 

I broke down and got the little Game&Watch: SMB this fall.  What can I say? I own the portable Oregon Trail and a mini-key chain Galaga. It's right up my alley. It was too expensive for what it is, but I had a blast with it and my kids and I are still fighting through SMB 2.  

I think the family has gotten closer in many ways (sometimes too close) but it's been a blessing to spend more time with the kids. I have a freshman in HS for goodness sake, she won't be here forever. I am a little sad she didn't get the full experience (she's in marching band which just wasn't the same) but also, it's cool to eat lunch with her or check in on her day randomly at 2:30. 

I have been starting to feel hope for next year and started planning (at least in my head and a few peeks on Google Maps) to the Grand Canyon, Colorado, etc. We'll see. 

It's been a tough year and I didn't list all the sad stuff or challenges we have faced. I hope you can also find gratitude for the good in your life this year, stranger. In the meantime, call your Mom this week and don't forget to do that thing you keep putting off. 

Confucius Didn't Say That! True Beauty Edition

In the hustle and bustle of life, it's hard to appreciate everyday beauty. There are many things in life that can trip you up: traffic, your kids throwing fits, stepping on legos, your computer going slow, your pet throws up on the carpet, your back hurts, losing your keys, stuff in the house that stops working....oh wait those are the things that trip me up.

Anyway, life in the first world is by all accounts, objectively awesome. However, sometimes we fail to see the (cue the cliches) the "silver linings" or the "bright side". So, it's good to get a reminder that life has a beautiful side to it. This brings us to this edition of Confucius Didn't Say That! 

 "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." - Confucius 

Very true and very wise.

  

I can tell Confucius didn't say this in part because Confucius was rarely pithy. It's also not a typical concern of Confucius either. Confucius lived in a time of political upheaval. Those in the political realm were living in tumultuous times, while the peasants worked (as always) from sun-up to sun-down. Appreciating beauty was low on the list of what would be considered important to Confucius or even to most common people living in ancient China.  

The word "beauty" occurs* twice in the Analects, although it's used only once in a meaningful way:

The Master said: “I have never seen one who loves virtue as much as he loves beauty.”
 - Confucius in the Analects 9:18


Ironically enough, this is one of those pithy statements that Confucius actually said. It also happens to illustrate the polar opposite of the fake quote.  Beauty isn't underappreciated, it's over-appreciated.
Confucius is lamenting the fact that most humans care too much about beauty, while not caring as much about their virtue.  Even over 2,000 years later, this quote rings true. People are more interested in appearing beautiful than doing the right thing.


There's a similar thought about beauty and ren (often translated as humaneness) in book four of the Analects:

The Master said: “As for a neighborhood, it is its ren that makes it beautiful. If you choose to live in a place that lacks ren, how can you grow in wisdom?” 
- Confucius in the Analects 4:1

I'm not quite sure who this quote should be attributed to, as my Google skills can't find a definite answer. I found a book from 1995 which attributes the quote as a "Old Chinese Proverb" but almost everything else I could find attribute it to Confucius himself (one book tacked into the Analects but failed to fact-check it). Someone on Facebook attributed it to the Kangxi Emperor of the Qing Dynasty, but if you Google that, it just goes back to their FB page and no one else linked it to Kangxi.

It sounds like a Chinese fortune cookie thing, so chalk it up to a clever fortune cookie writer or as an actual "Old Chinese Proverb". 

As for the quality of the actual quote, I think it's pretty stupid. For one thing, the statement is literally wrong. There is no beauty in cockroaches, vomit or dirty diapers. It's a lie of the first order.

I know, I know there may be people out there that may state, "well an entomologist may find a cock roach beautiful". Maybe so, but my guess is they still don't want the roaches in their kitchens.  

So, so maybe the quote isn't about "beauty" in the literal sense of the word but is more about finding gratitude in our lives.  I believe that it's true that filling your life with gratitude will change your outlook on life and more importantly, your actions.

My own two cents is that it's an okay-enough statement. For most things in life, there is beauty. Even though my kids might be screaming, fighting or fussing, underneath is a beautiful person being developed and the preciousness of life.  We need to live with more mindfulness to find beauty. 

I can't find much in the Analects about gratitude. I searched Muller's translation for "thankfulness", "thankful", "gratitude" and "grateful" and came up with nothing meaningful. I don't think the concept was foreign to Confucius but might not have been something he or his editors found important enough to speak/write about.


* As always I use Muller's translations.

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. Confucius
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/confucius104254.html

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. Confucius
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/confucius104254.html

How I Met Your Mother, Part II : Lessons Learned (1995-1998)

For as long as I can remember I wanted to fall in love. I had dated a number of different girls but I felt like I had never really made that deep connection. Maybe it was a false sense of expectation or maybe I watched too many movies but I dreamed, even yearned to fall in love. I have a notebook full of bad poetry to prove it too.

Well, every dog has his day and one rainy summer night, it finally happened.

Like most good love stories, the beginning of our relationship was quite unexpected. I was attending a community musical (The Mikado) with Eric, Mikey and her boyfriend BJ to see a number of our choir friends perform, including your mother. After the play was over, the whole crew talked and we made plans to eat at IHOP. After dinner a few of us hung out at the Eric and Mikey's house to watch a movie. I sat on the couch and ended up talking for hours over a People magazine with a very cute girl.

Sure we had known each other before that night, but this time something was different. Most girls I had dated didn't seem to have strong opinions and the dates I went on felt awkward (surely it wasn't me that was the awkward one, right?). While this wasn't a date - it was very, very intriguing. I drove home that night excited about the possibilities. I didn't know it but I had just fallen in love for the first time.

This, of course, was not the night I fell in love with your mother - that wouldn't be for awhile.

It was 1997 when Marie and I started dating. This was my first "real" relationship and I was happier than I had ever been. Marie and I shared a wonderful summer that was a boon to my notebook as it was now being filled up with love poems. We shared an ability to deconstruct anything and anyone. Our conversations reveled in discussing minutia, the mundane and the design flaws of restaurants. It was a Seinfeld fan's dream come true. The one complication that hung over the summer was that I had just been accepted at Texas A&M and would be leaving in the fall.

Meanwhile, your mother was in a relationship with our mutual friend, JJ. Do I have to even say it? Yes, he was part of the choir crew as well.

Note: This choir crew was a loosely organized group. It wasn't a tight knit group although at times, it could be. Between, 1995-2000, we had about 12-15 consistent members without accounting for the various additional boyfriends or girlfriends and a rotating cadre of guest stars who would enter our group for seasons at a time.  I would say only a few times a year would the group be all together.  As incestuous as it all sounds, I was the only one (besides your mother) who seriously dated more than one of the members of the group. Looking back I am surprised there wasn't more dating from within the group. 

JJ and Kathryn dated for a long time. They were great together. I loved both of them as friends and I remember thinking that they would be one of those couples that would be married shortly after college.  They seemed to get along so well.  Marie and I even went out on a double date that summer with the lovely couple (both your mother and I have vivid memories of this date at Carraba's).

While we were happy in our own little worlds, your mother and I can barely have said to have a friendship from late 1995- 1998. Of course we were friendly but we usually only saw each other at parties or at the Schmidt's house during a break from school. I do have one distinct memory of talking with Kathryn at the Schmidt's house one Christmas break in 1996. Most of the guys were throwing a football outside but Kathryn and I chatted on the couch for about half an hour. It was the first time I realized that Kathryn had changed since we had dated. She seemed different.  She didn't seem so much like the "goody goody" label I had placed on her. She was a real person - and cute.  

Well, that magical summer of 97' finally came to an end. Marie and I decided to try the "long distance relationship" otherwise known as sure-fire failure to all people under the age of 21. We maintained our relationship during the fall semester and I visited a few times throughout the fall. In retrospect I think I didn't visit as often as much as I should have. During the holidays, we were reunited and we (seemingly) had a great time - I was still in love.

At the famous annual Christmas Party (1997).  

By February (1998) - something changed for Marie. She didn't like the long distance between us but the bigger issue was she had the hots for some lunk head at the gym. So, my first foray into love had fizzled out. For the record the guy from the gym had an abnormally large head (having said that he could probably tie me into a pretzel had I ever told him that to his face).

I was devastated. The night we broke up was the night before a geography exam. I was living in the dorms on campus and I shared a room - I was going to have to cry somewhere else. I walked around aimlessly on the dark campus trying to make sense of it all and sniffle in the cold. I visited the chapel for the warmth but I soon realized I still had to study. I went straight to bed and bombed it the next day. Don't let it be said your father isn't a romantic.

Thus began the long (and very annoying) Saga of Marie (pending trademark). You see this wasn't the end of our relationship - it was only the beginning of an on-again-off-again romantic relationship and then the not friends-best of friends-maybe friends that kiss and then not friends at all thing. I will spare you the details, but some will be forthcoming as they are necessary to understand how your mother and I finally starting dating again. Later that spring Marie and Kathryn decided to attend LSU together in the fall of 1998.

While the Saga of Marie continued, so did life. I liked my new life at A&M but I still felt a little bit like the odd man out.  I was still adjusting to my new life with a whole new set of friends in College Station.  However, in the summer of 1998 and continuing into the fall, I changed. I had been evolving ever since my senior year in high school but now I fully loosened up to the possibilities of who I could be. It was as if I had finally let the up-tight, conservative, know-it-all Neil finally be put to rest. I was having a blast but I just couldn't put Marie behind me.

Sometimes in life there are roads we have to take before we find our redemption. I could have never been the man I was for you mother without my experiences with Marie. For all the drama and pain, I owe Marie a debt of gratitude. She taught me so much about myself and about what I wanted from a serious relationship. More importantly, she made me believe I could be loved back and was worthy of romantic love.

I don't necessary believe in destiny (although maybe you could sell me on a destiny-lite with a strong dash of free-will --but get back to me on that in a decade or two). What I do know is that we always have choices. Choices on how to respond and what to do when we hurt. Chances are someday you will have a broken, messed up, heart-breaking relationship.  I don't wish it on anyone, but often that's part of growing up. I hope you put in the work to find the meaning for yourself. Just remember, every heartbreak has to end sometime.