Video Game Fragements

One of modern life's little joys (at least for me) is playing retro video games (my current addiction is Bust-A-Move). 

No, no, not that one, this one:

Yeah, those little creatures from Bubble Bobble have another puzzle game, and it's fun!! For some reason, I've been playing the Game Gear version...no idea how that happened. I also have no idea why this is called "Bust-A-Move" - you point a little ball at other balls that are the same color to pop them. I have yet to discover any flirting in the game thus far. 

Anyway, here's a bunch of fragments of my childhood, adolescent, and adult memories of video games:

The Early Years  

My first video game memories come from the arcade. Sometimes my dad would play pool at Rocky J's (the neighborhood pool hall) on Saturday mornings when my mom was shopping or running errands. We would go once a month or so, and it felt like a reward every time. Occasionally, we might run an errand before or after the pool hall, but it still felt like we were getting away with something. My dad would give me one or two dollars' worth of quarters to keep me busy as he played pool.  

I still remember the sights and smells of the arcade, the smoke, the cue chalk, the machine/wood-like smell from the arcade machines...yeah, it seems like it was yesterday. 

I used my quarters very, very carefully. I would often watch other people play or watch the game "previews" as I would call them.  My favorite machines were Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Galaga, and Mappy (I had no idea how to play Mappy, and I would usually promptly die). I remember staring in wonder at Dragon's Lair and believing I was living in the future. 

Sometimes after playing a few rounds of pool, my dad would take me to 7-11 and get me a Slurpee. Days like that made a Saturday feel perfect. 

Atari 2600

The first console we owned was the Atari 2600. We purchased the console when I was around 6-8, most likely during the Video Game Crash, between 1983 and 1985.  At the time, my folks weren't rolling in it, so the price slashing of the system was critical for us to purchase it in the first place.   

I don't remember being aware that the Atari existed, but just because I don't remember begging for it doesn't mean it didn't happen. One of my core memories about the purchase was holding the box on the way home in a darkened car at night, staring at the box in awe. 

The console came with Combat, and my sister and I played the heck out of that. We had some epic battles that would occasionally result in near-actual combat in real life. We loved it. 

Here are the games that we owned:

Asteroids, Carnival, Combat, Defender, Demon Attack, E.T., Ms. Pac-Man, and Pac-Man.  

My favorites were Demon Attack, Ms. Pac-Man, and, of course, Combat if you had another person to play with. 

These particular sounds are burned into my brain. We could never figure out if the "Demons" (which look suspiciously like birds) were pooping or dropping eggs. The hyper-stress levels of the "music" WAS definitely real. 

I was utterly perplexed at how to play E.T.  I didn't think the game was "bad" (although E.T. is considered one of the world's worst games), but I found it confusing and frustrating. Of course, I would wind up stuck in the pit, but I thought I was doing something wrong.  

We usually had the Atari set up in the living room, but one day we had it hooked up in my parents' bedroom. I was lying on the ground, with my feet perched at the base of the TV as I played Pac-Man. I started rocking the television back and forth as I played because...I guess it was fun? Soon after, I rocked the TV a little too much, and the television came tumbling down on me. Luckily, I managed to "catch" it with my feet. I lay on the ground, compacted like an accordion. I screamed for help,p and my mom quickly arrived to help.   

We would play the Atari in spurts, sometimes having it set up for weeks or months and then unhooking it because my mom thought it was unsightly.  I think we ended up selling at a garage sale at some point in the 90s, but I'm not quite sure.  

NES 

I remember playing the NES (we just called it the "Nintendo") at my friend's house sometime in 1987. As it was the hottest toy in the country, I promptly started begging my parents for a Nintendo. I would have to wait until Christmas of 1987.   

My sister and I loved playing Super Mario Brothers. A sibling rivalry naturally occurred, and we found ourselves in a race to see who could beat the game first. I was devastated that spring when she beat me to it. I beat the game a few weeks later, but it was cold comfort. After she beat the game, she didn't have much of an interest in video games (except playing a little Sonic 2 with me). 

I never ended up having many games because if I had money, I was a sieve. Any extra money I earned or came into was gone within days, spent on comic books or baseball/basketball cards. Saving up $50 or $60 for anything was unimaginable at age 10-12. 

For at least the first 8-12 months we had the NES, the only game I had was Super Mario Bros/Duck Hunt cart and I played Mario in every way imaginable, I would play to just get all the coins, get all the bricks, try to pass the game without killing anything, try to pass the game with no deaths, etc., etc. one time I remember I kept dying in the same spot....so I took the game out of the Nintendo and threw it across my front lawn, hitting my neighbor's tree. Immediately, this broke my rage, and I sheepishly picked it back up, and to my relief...of course, the cart still worked! 

I borrowed Metroid from my buddy Adam. We all traded tips, secrets, and rumors with friends at school. I drew maps and wrote down the intricate and complex passwords. The passwords inevitably ended up written on tiny pieces of paper, all across my room....and losing them was the worst. When I passed the game, it felt like a real achievement (to be fair, passing almost any game made in the 80s or 90s is an achievement).    

I also borrowed Double-Dribble from my buddy Adam, and I eventually bought it for ten bucks. It was so cool when a dunk would happen, and the game would break into those cool cut-away graphics. I loved the game, and yet I also hated it with all my passion. 

I would lose my temper when the game would just decide to cheat and hit 12 shots in a row, all the while, my team missed two dunks in a row. Talk about rage. This was the main reason I never really loved sports games..... unless, of course, I had a friend over. The lack of fairness or realism always got to me in sports games. 

I was beyond excited when Super Mario 2 came out. A few weeks after it came out, I was able to score a rental of the game, and I was HYPED.  The game did not come with the manual, and I played the first world over and over again....I found almost every secret about that first level, all the power-ups, etc., but I never figured out I could lift Birdo's egg! I wasn't the brightest kid around, that's for sure! That said, the game was so good that I still had a good time playing the level, playing as all the characters, and discovering all the various secrets.  

I ended up owning SMB/Duck Hunt, Wizards, and Warriors 2: Ironsword, Double Dribble, DuckTales (a blind purchase that luckily turned out to be a great game), and Stinger (also bought from Adam). I held onto the NES for a long time, and sometime in late high school or early college, I ended up buying SMB2 & SMB 3 at the used video game store. I was a huge Mario fan.  

It's hard to imagine now, but this game box is what sold the game to me (I was 11-12).  I hadn't read any reviews, and I didn't know anyone who had played it. I just liked DuckTales and this cover looked good, so I took a huge risk.  I was in sixth grade, I was actually a little embarrassed that I still liked DuckTales, but I bought it anyway. The game still has a great reputation among retro game fans, and it's one of my favorites from the old days. 

It's weird to think that I only owned a handful of games, but I borrowed a ton of games or played other games at friends' houses....the games I borrowed or have the most memories of include: Metroid, Kid Icarus, Bayou Billy, Double Dragon, and of course SMB 2 and SMB 3.  

Here are some NES games I remember renting: 

Abadox: The Deadly Inner War - a really hard shooter, especially for a 12-year-old, but the graphics were gross and kinda cool. I got pretty far from what I remember, likely because what else was I going to do over a weekend??

Amagon - This is a terrible platformer. I tried it out recently and was shocked at how hard it was. I think I was a better gamer back then! 

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure - I rented this with a friend at a sleepover and we played late into the night trying to figure out this weird game. We felt like detectives playing it without a manual. It always felt like figuring out the game was part of a game....maybe even we were to blame, but it turns out this is a terrible game. I have good memories, though. I remember we laughed a lot. 

Taboo - Awful. I came home with this on a Friday night and felt instant regret. What a waste. I fooled around with it for about an hour and gave up. In case you don't know, it's a tarot reading card simulation. Definitely not something I should have been playing, and it wasn't fun, even in a naughty way. 

Game Boy 

One of the reasons I didn't have many NES games was that I got a Game Boy for Christmas in 1989. The idea of playing Nintendo on the road was just too hard to resist. I didn't think I would get much into Tetris, but, of course, I did. My main memories of the Game Boy have me hunched over or lying down in some weird position near a lamp or light source so I could see that damn screen. I have to admit, I didn't even mind it. It just seemed as if that was the price of admission to have a Game Boy. 

I also purchased Metroid 2: The Return of Samus, Super Mario World 2 (I borrowed SMB 1), and Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters. 

All great games, and I think I passed all of them. 

Genesis 

My friend Eric was the first person I knew who owned a Genesis. Eric had Altered Beast, but I didn't find that game particularly fun as it was so slow and plodding. On the other hand, I was amazed by Lakers Vs. Celtics, and it felt like video games had evolved. 

During 8th to 9th grade, I struggled with the weighty choice of buying an SNES or a Genesis. I was loyal to Nintendo, but something clicked with me, and I went in on the Genesis side. We bought it from an EB "Electronic Boutique" in the mall,l and I played Sonic for the rest of the afternoon. This must have been Christmas 1990, at least that's my guess. 

Similar to my NES habits, I didn't own a ton of games, but luckily, I ended up with some great games: Sonic, Sonic 2, X-Men, Captain America and the Avengers, Rocket Knight Adventures, and Street Fighter 2. 

My friend Eric had Joe Montana Sports Talk Football, and if I was over at his house or sleeping over, we played endlessly, deep into the night. A lot of great fun and memories....we still quote that game ("What a mistake!") or sign that bopping theme

This song rules, watch this clip and revel in the 90s Genesis sound chip. 

Interlude: The scene opens in a basement, full of video games....

The camera pans to a nerd on the couch, acting as a cipher for my thoughts: 

I really liked the X-Men game on the Sega Genesis. Talk about a creative name, though, "X-Men"? That's the best they could come up with? At least it's short and sweet. Anyway, the game features classic side-scrolling action on the Sega Genesis: great graphics, creative gameplay, and that classic Genesis music. 

Just listen to the majesty of the Genesis sound chip. Yeah, yeah, the SNES had better music, but the Genesis sound chip has its own unique appeal. 

But there's one legendary, fatal flaw of this game that is some "Grade A" fucking bullshit. This cryptic fuckover ruined the game for thousands of teenagers in the 90s. 

In one of the last levels, you come to an apparent dead end, and the game tells you to "Reset the computer". 

Okay, so what the hell does that mean? 

I punched and kicked at the various computer panels and buttons in the background, as I had assumed I had to find this "computer" in the game. I did this on every screen I could, but the game just laughed in my face.

I searched everywhere to no avail..... like a fruit fly weighed down by piss in the toilet...with nowhere to go, I just sank into the toilet of my own self-loathing. That's the thing about these old games: they gas-lit players into thinking we were the stupid ones, when it was the game itself that was stupid. I once rented Bill & Ted's on the NES, and I thought it was a good game....Yeah, I was that gas-lit.  

I invited friends over to help me, but no one could figure out this cryptic bullshit. There was no internet to figure this out. We were kids, what in the flying fuck were they thinking? How is a 14-year-old supposed to figure this out without the internet???  

Decades later, I found out that to pass the game you had to press the reset button on the Genesis console itself, thus, "resetting the computer"..... creative, huh? 

No, it was utter and total horse shit. 

Let me get this straight, you're supposed to push the button that you have never pushed for gameplay..... EVER. It's basically never been done. It's the one button that gamers AREN'T supposed to touch. Remember accidentally hitting reset buttons on my consoles and feeling sick to my stomach, gamers were practically trained that the ONE button you don't hit during gameplay is the reset button. Everyone knew you ONLY hit that button if you're fucking pissed. Why did they even have reset buttons? It's not as if load times were an issue back then, I don't know if I ever had a game freeze up on me in the 8 and 16 bit eras. 

I have read comments on the internet about how "genius" this idea was. No, it's buffalo bullshit. I'd rather drink my cat's piss, vomit it up, and drink it again before I would want to be that confused again.  The game could have hinted at something, ANYTHING. Even if a clue was written into the manual, that would be something..... of course, not everyone would have it, or they might lose it, but at least it's something.

Geez, you might as well tell me to turn the power switch back and forth, I didn't know the reset button could be fucking programmed to work that way. Hell, they could have told me, "Just turn the game off, you moron, you're not going to figure it out". 

Oh, and according to people in the comments, if you pressed the reset button too long, it would reset the game. 

That's right, you had to TAP the reset button. What in the name of dog diarrhea is going on here???

I think it is important to point out that the game tells you to "reset the computer". Why in God's green earth COULDN'T it have said "push the reset button", that's at least more accurate of what I was supposed to do, and somewhat of a good clue. Sure, it's still mysterious, but it actually tells you what to do. 

Besides, no one called the Genesis a computer; it was a console. Or give some other hint, any hint like, "reset the computer in the outside world," or "think outside the box," or how about this.... don't rely on such a goddamn cryptic bullshit for the person to pass the game. I ask you again, 

Yeah, all that was scripted as if I were the Angry Video Game Nerd. I exaggerated for sure, but that reset button bullshit still boils my blood. 

Ahem, anyway...

At some point, I fell in love with Street Fighter II.

I don't know how it happened, as most of my video game history was playing 2-D side-scrolling action games....but I did. I was waiting for months for Street Fighter 2 Champion Edition, and in weeks I was a master player (okay, so basically none of my friends could beat me...the arcade I was okay). Even though I hated the character, my chosen fighter was Ken. 

Anyway, I must have wasted 10% of that year playing that game. 

I owned a PlayStation 1, but it just wasn't the same. I owned Mega Man X and, of course, SF II Alpha. I also played the heck out of SF II Alpha, even bought a book about the game. I also would pop in that legendary demo disc when I was bored. 

I loved SF II Alpha, but as college was winding down, I was done playing video games, and I think I sold the PS1 for beer money.  

It wasn't until my mid-20s that I would get back into "retro gaming"...but that's a story for another time. In the meantime, spend enough time reading about all the shit happening, but don't read or watch about it after 8:00 PM...I dunno, watch Seinfeld or something and think about it tomorrow. 

End of a Tough Year Fragments

It's been a tough year, but ya know what? It's almost over. 

I decided to make one huge post of fragments, updates, and thoughts on my 2025. 

Fam Fragments

In January, K and I were in a musical in the local theater; it was good for us not only to be in a show together but also because our good friends J &J were in the show too! My character was featured in a few songs, and I did pretty well with my solo lines in the songs. I was an evil character, so I had to really work on my mean, evil, demented face. No, it didn't come naturally. Why do you ask?? 

Currently, K, E, and I are cast in another musical (premiering this coming January), and we are having a blast because we really love this show. K has a big role, E is supporting, and I have a very minor role, but it's really fun to be a bit player.  E plays my stepdaughter, so that's extra fun.   Usually, I have been a supporting character in our theater company...definitely, less pressure and stress this time around....still the music is tough!! 

Some other Fam Updates:

C is finishing up her third college semester at the college where I teach. This summer, she was able to do a Study Abroad in England, this past summer and she earned a partial scholarship (which my bank account appreciated).  It's been fun to see her excel here at the school; she has a role in student government as well.  Sometimes we grab lunch, or she will just swing by my office. I will definitely miss that when she transfers.

She's excelling in so many ways, it's exciting to see what she will do next. She is still running her non-profit, working part-time, is part of the speech team, part of the student government, and she also has to study and spend time with her bf!  She will transfer, maybe to Texas State, in the fall. Oh boy, here we go! 

E had a tough semester in some ways, but she's excelling too. She got her driver's license a few weeks back. It was fun to train her. I did most of the driver's ed just like I did with C. She has so many friends, and I am so glad she has been active in the choir and theater. I think she has made friends for life with some of these folks. Her struggles this fall have been largely out of her control, and they revolved around the unfairness of subjectivity. That's a tough one because it happens to you for the rest of your life...it hurts! I can't believe we're gonna have another senior next year! I am NOT ready for the emotions this time around. 

H had a rough spring (long story) but a pretty good fall. He was on the A football team but played less offense this year (last year he would get some action as WR in the second half of most games). He was slotted as safety a lot last year, but mainly played CB this past year. At times, he struggled with tackling but in his last game with high school coaches watching, he had a huge 4th down tackle and later had another good tackle. He has matured in some ways, but he's still a kid at heart. 

I love to be a dad, it's easily the hardest and best thing I have ever done (and continue to do). 

My Top Ten(ish) Songs of the Year 

Here were my favorite songs of the year. Most of them were on my “most played” list, but some weaseled their way into my head one way or another and deserve a spot because they were in my head more than I played them:  

• Fountains of Wayne – “I Know You Well”
• Nujabes – “Feather”
• Almost Weezer – “Rosemary”  (note: this is not Weezer)
• Butthole Surfers – “What Did You Do in My Room Last Night?”
• Ramones – “Life’s a Gas”  
• Robert Pollard & Kim Deal - “Love Hurts” (the most beautiful cover)
• Skin Shape – “I Didn’t Know”
• Monrovia – “City on the Hill”  & “Heavy Foot”
• Rivers Cuomo – “Bottle of Wine Song” (it's a demo, but it's pretty sweet)
• Jesse Welles – “Will the Computer Love the Sunset”/ & “I Ain’t Got None of My Friends Left”

 And the song of the year (and I definitely want this song played at my funeral): 

•  Cat Stevens/Yusef – “Oh Very Young”

 Job Fragments

As I wrote in my last post, things at work are a 'changing. It's been a roller coaster of emotions since early October. I went through the stages of grief: shock and disbelief, rage, gratitude for what has been, to now...possibly....maybe... acceptance. 

Kinda sorta. 

In some ways, I am "over it' but I think that stems more from emotional exhaustion and boredom.  I am detached, for sure, but my personality never stays in an extreme position for too long. Somehow, I was lucky enough to be born into a brain that can compartmentalize, and my brain desires balance. 

I feel like I am done being angry about it, even if I am not done being sad about it. 

To be honest, I was feeling a bit burnt out and ready for a bit of a break. I was released from many of my teaching duties, but now I am going back 100% to teaching (with the extra classes that come along with it)>  As the weeks went by, I realized this change can bring about opportunities I haven't yet dreamed about. 

For years, I believed this was what I was going to do until I retired or died. Now, new doors are opening, new possibilities, new dreams....including even leaving higher ed if the right opportunity came around. 

I have seen my projected pension, and while it's best if I at least work another 6 years (at a minimum), I am open to something else. I will probably stay put, but I find it simply amazing that one year ago, I would have never even entertained the idea. Crazy times. 

In other news, there is a very slim possibility I go to Northern Ireland this summer, but it would only happen if someone else can't go (or something else goes wrong).  I really want that opportunity to be shared....even if this is the last time we could do it!! I have a deserving faculty member in mind to go, I hope he can do it!! 

Finally, I am planning a study abroad for 2027 in Spain and Portugal. We'll apply to make it happen in the spring, and then hopefully get enough students to sign up. 

Art Update

I haven't really done much art since last winter. Maybe nothing?! The main reason for this is I found a creative outlet doing something else.....

YT Channel/Comics 

Yeah, I became the dreaded "content creator" this year. Maybe I will write another post about it in early 2026. It's a comic book channel, and it's been a fun hobby. 

Pathetic Year-End Reading List Fragments 

I tried to read a little more this year (BESIDES comics/graphic novels). I did okayish.....here's my list from Libby (the app).

What can I say? I got into a Tolkien spin that I found comforting late at night. 

• Return of Shadow - Tolkien
• The Treason of Isengard - Tolkien
• The War of the Ring - Tolkien (did not finish)
• Children of Hurin - Tolkien (did not finish, but I've read it before) 
• The Castle- Kafka (did not finish but will come back to it)
• Dark Matter - Blake Crouch (pretty okay but kept me reading)
• The Journey: Big Panda & Little Dragon - Norbury (does this count?!?!?) 
• 1984 - George Orwell (currently re-reading, first time since high school, I think)
• Dracula - Bram Stoker (currently reading, pretty great) 

TV/Movies End of Year Fragments (Wow, I guess I don't watch that much TV)

I watched Twin Peak....but I think I actually watched most of it in 2024....but hey, here is my chance to say I loved it, especially the first season. The last season from Showtime or whatever.....not so much, but it was okay, and I am glad it was made.  

I think I watched the last few of The Beast in Me with my wife (it was fine). 

Pretty sure we watched some Mormon documentaries and that one about that influencer mom who is horrible and abuses her children. Terrible! 

We watched both Wicked movies and loved them. Fantastic Four was okay enough. I re-watched a bunch of Star Trek: Next Generation before I cancelled Paramount+ because of their new owners (fuck them). God, I love that last episode of TNG so much. I already miss putting STNG on while I do laundry or wash dishes. Oh well, life goes on.  

Photo Dump from the 2025 (in reverse order) 

I remembered I used to post memes and photos, so why not do it again? 

My colleague brought a space heater to work the other day.  I think it likes me! 

Sometimes ya just gotta color. This wooden craft Santa was packed with four little markers and was at the bottom of a box full of ornaments. We have probably had it for at least 5 years, so I figured I would complete it before those little markers dry up. I hid it deep in our tree, and I plan on sneaking it into our tree from now on (don't tell anyone).

Just a cool bug in the parking garage at work. Cool.

I was at a sports card show with my son at a "Hermann and Sons" lodge, and it had this '70s era bar attached, and it was like going back in time. I loved every second sitting in there. I got crazy nostalgia for this style. It had a back pool room too. It just smelled old. 10/10 experience. 

This was in a park I was walking in this fall. Ya know, it's the little things that bring you a little joy. 

This is my garage. At one point, I was going to write a blog just about what is in this photo and all the memories associated with it.  I dunno, maybe I still will? 

In January, I visited my best bud who lives outside of Chicago. We went to the Spurs-Bulls game (we had planned on doing a little more in town, but my flight was delayed by a few hours).  It was a good game, but damn it, we lost. Still fun and an interesting experience as it was the first time I had been to an NBA game NOT in SA. A good visit, and it wasn't even that cold! 

Spurs Fragments (because YOU care about them) 

I love the Spurs. Just fun to be relevant again, it had been TOO long. The joy is back. Now, we just have to figure out how to integrate Wemby back into the offense. 

Housecleaning/Goodbye Fragments 

Just discovered this is my LEAST prolific blogging year. I am taking it in stride. I am a busy man.  Lately, I haven't really felt like writing, let alone blogging at all. I suppose when the spirit strikes me, I'll be back. Maybe even before the end of 2025. I will definitely write an update in March at the latest. 

Anyway, that's all for me. I hope you find time this holiday break to spend time with family, friends and even yourself. Read something you've been putting off and cozy up with the book on a cold winter's night. 

Until next time.....

The Calm Before the Storm: A Dispatch from Texas

Have you ever been driving on the highway and, in the distance, you see ominous dark clouds ahead? You're not sure if the storm will hit you, but it's getting closer with each mile.   

This is the best I could do from my photo collection. This was near the Grand Canyon. 

For years, politics was politics, and the ivory tower was unmoved. 

We discussed ideas, challenged the status quo, and maybe changed a few minds here and there. Even if some didn't like higher ed or the values of critical thinking, diversity, and embracing an open and free society.....it seemed we were removed from political consequences. Of course, it was red meat to the base to take potshots at academics, but to a large degree, a truce was formed. It was obvious enough that society needed an educated workforce, but higher education also provided publicly funded research in science and medicine to benefit the country's corporations. Quality colleges and universities brought not just global prestige but an influx of wealthy foreigners, ready to stay and benefit the US economy.. Sure, the faculty and leadership would always skew to the left, but this seemed to be the accepted price tag. 

To be honest, it's a dirty little secret that universities and colleges have little to no influence in the political realm. Despite all the screaming about "indoctrination", if colleges really did indoctrinate, why aren't there more leftists in power?  The brainwashing hasn't been very effective.  Public universities have largely embraced and supported American capitalism and foreign policy. After all, who was educating the Wall Street and political leaders? 

The power of the ivory tower was largely symbolic. If you want proof of just how limited that power of higher education was, just look at our society today. It didn't stop the storm. At best, the power was limited to the broader culture, reinforced by the entertainment culture.  Many educated leaders could be shamed into appearing non-racist, non-homophobic, etc., and sometimes these beliefs were even acted upon in small but meaningful actions.  

After decades of ingesting misinformation, conspiracies, and lies, the time was ripe for change. MAGA extremists didn't want to bring in foreign students, they didn't want the government spending money on research, and they definitely didn't appreciate that educated people tend to vote against MAGA. So, the truce that had held since World War II was over. War was declared.  

For rightwing billionaires and a political class groomed by Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, and Alex Jones, it wasn't just about taking away even the small amount of power and influence colleges and universities had, but it was also about control. 

Make no mistake, the many culture wars were created to foster division between the classes to keep the elites in power. But those in power have been listening to the right-wing media conspiracies, and an ideology fueled by resentment, hate, and scorched-earth partisanship.  It is now a self-propelled beast; the media is fueled by the billionaires who are fueled by social media conspiracies and misinformation, which in turn feeds back into mainstream media. 

I have been directly impacted on my campus. There's a chill in the air, and some people can't be trusted anymore. 

Some words and concepts can't be discussed, but the administration won't say anything in writing, because they are scared. Of course, nothing is illegal to teach, but the governor can just ask for anyone to be fired, and it will be done. In the past month, university systems have banned words and concepts from the classroom. 

Some might think this is an obvious over-reach. The checks on power in our old system came from the checks and balances of the three branches of government, a sense of shame AND from an engaged citizenry at the ballot box. If the other side ever takes power, the roles could be reversed, etc., etc. 

However, these "checks" are all gone because all the branches are controlled by one party; they have no shame, and they don't plan on giving up power again. 

Even before the blog post was finished, the storm came for me. Something I have worked on for over a decade is gone. It was my professional life's work, and I was going to do it until I retired.  They took it from us, even without complaint, without a single controversy; they simply didn't want to worry about it or carry the risk. 

There was no compromise, just capitulation. 

It doesn't just end there. There are rumors of the core curriculum being cut, changing accreditation agencies (that will enforce some kind of political "diversity" or censorship).  Of course, it's not just higher ed; we are all under the storm clouds.  

Seek cover and batten down the hatches, the storm is here and there's no break in sight. Hang on as best you can. 

My Top 100 Favorite 90s Songs

There is very little reason for this blog post to exist. 

No one was requesting this list....certainly not the internet! However, some ideas weasel their way into my little brain and require creation. If I am being honest, I did not know what songs would make this list, so I had work to do if I wanted to know.  

My criteria for creating this list were completely unscientific. The method was disorganized. At the start, I tried to make a rubric to help disentangle my feelings, but I gave up in frustration.  

If there was a method to the madness, it was trying to unscramble nostalgia, joy, and love while admiring the song craft and balancing my love of catchy songs and the songs that were personally important to me. 

I started going through my 1,600+ '90s song playlist on Spotify. I went song by song, and I had an initial list of about 200. I didn't discriminate too much, if I thought there was a chance, it was added to the list. 

Then, I pared down the most obvious choices that would not make the list. At this point, it was in the 120-130 area, so I pared down songs again, all the way down to 98. 

Then I added two more songs back and started ordering them (and of course, re-ordering them over and over again). 

There are a few songs on this list that I don't listen to much anymore. They might pop on the radio or on my 90s playlist on Spotify, but I don't even particularly like them anymore. That said, they were so important to me as a teenager that it felt right to have them on this list.  

In the end, I just wanted to take a moment to think about some of my favorite songs of all time.

Please note these are not the BEST songs of the 90s, it's just my current list of my favorite '90s songs.

100. Dee-Lite - "Groove is in the Heart"

This song makes me happy. When I hear it, it makes me feel 12 again, watching the all-request 1-900 music video channel while lying on my bed. 

99. Frank Black - "Creature Crawling"

Can a song with a middling chorus but one of the greatest bridges ever force itself into my top 100 favorite '90s songs? Yeah, it just did. 

98. Smoking Popes - "Paul"

A well-crafted pop song that is sneakily good. 

97. The Cardigans - "Love Fool"

It's a huge hit, everyone knows the words, but so what? It's just love and warmth all the way to its core. One of those "perfect" songs. 

96. Foo Fighters - "X-Statix"

This song could be about nothing or everything, but its droney-dreamy vibe is compelling. 

95. Nirvana - "Heart Shaped Box"

There are a lot of big radio hits early on this list, but this song features my favorite Cobain imagery and lyrics. I love the sound of this song. Oh, and the music video is top-notch. 

94. Space Hog - "In the Meantime..."

This song just oozes 1995 to me. I would catch this song on the radio and beg the radio gods that the DJ would not fade the song out too soon or fade in the next song too early so I could hear that plaintive piano solo at the end. My god, I loved it. 

When you heard the complete song with that piano solo on the radio...you knew it was gonna be a good day.  

93. Fig Dish - "Seeds"

Great album, great song. 

I have to admit this song may be the first "reach" on the list. Maybe it's not actually in my top 100. The album is soooo good though, and I wanted to find a song that best represented its excellence. 

So, I might have cheated a little bit. What are you gonna do about it? 

92. Gin Blossoms - "Until I Fall Away"

This song is from the album New Miserable Experience that I bought on tape. I remember I was about to take my buddy Steve out to senior lunch, but I was embarrassed by this album because Steve was a music snob. So before he got in, I hid the tape under my seat. 

Well, Steve, I am out of the closet, that album is GREAT, and this song kicks ass, I don't even care what you think about my music taste anymore!!

P.S. If you are reading this and you know Steve, please don't tell him I like the Gin Blossoms.  

91. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Under the Bridge"

Alex, I'll take "Songs that I listened to on my Walkman on repeat while feeling very, very important and miserable for 100," please. 

90. Mazzy Star - "Fade Into You"

If you are feeling like you need to think about a few things, turn this song on and just revel in your feelings. Beautiful song. 

89. Ash - "Oh Yeah"

This is objectively the worst song on this entire list. So, why is it sitting pretty here at #89? 

It's a love song and the chorus states, "Oh yeah, she was taking me over, and oh yeah, it was the start of the summer."

I started dating a young woman in June of 1997. It was clear to me that we were falling in love. I put this song on a mixtape for her, and I went to visit her at the diner where she worked. I asked her what she thought of the tape, and she smiled and asked, "So, am I....taking you over?" 

An hour later, I left the diner, driving home as the sun was setting, feeling like I was on top of the world.  

88. Green Day - "J.A.R"

I don't know anything about Green Day fandom, but I have a hunch this little ditty is considered an underrated gem. It's a song about how to live life. A great song that has a neat closing. 

87. Porno for Pyros - "Pets"

Just a relaxing song about how fucked up human beings are, but that we would make good pets for aliens. It's clever.....and it will make you bob your head. 

86. Stone Temple Pilots - "Interstate Love Song"

Another album I had on tape (but I wasn't embarrassed by it). I loved this song before it was a hit, and if I close my eyes when I listen to it, I can smell my old 1986 Toyota pickup. 

85. Fountains of Wayne - "Sink to the Bottom"

Power pop that makes you feel like giving up, but you find yourself humming it for days after you've heard it. 

84. Frank Black - "Back to Rome"

To this day, I occasionally put this song on in the car and sing it with all my heart at the top of my lungs. Maybe if you do that, you'll like it too? 

83. Kim Deal & Robert Pollard  - "Love Hurts" (cover) 

I recently discovered this amazing little demo of a song. It's the cover of that terrible '80s song, but it's been transformed into a lo-fi masterpiece. It's good. It's real good. 

82. Lemonheads - "Hospital" 

Evan Dando's deadpan singing is perfect for this song in all ways possible. 

81. Jayhawks - "Blue"

I discovered this song a few years ago. If I had discovered it in the 90s, it would probably be in my top ten. It's that goddamn good and it's sheer existence should remind us that being alive is pretty neat. 

80. Superdrag - "I'm Expanding My Mind" 

It's good. I don't have much else to say other than it's a good song and I love the slide guitar outro. 

79. Wallflowers - "6th Avenue Heartache"

I listened to this song a few times this week while doing this little list, and this song just kept moving up the list. It's a solid rock song, and I have to admit, when I hear it out in public, I start singing it. 

One Week later update: this happened today at the grocery store, and I had forgotten I had even written that...and yes, I was quietly singing along. 

78. Matthew Sweet - "Time Capsule"

Not his masterpiece, but pretty damn close. Okay, okay, it's another one of his masterpieces. 

77. Beck - "Lord Only Knows" 

A song that still makes me laugh a little with its last line of "going down to Houston to the hot dog dance". I mean, how could you deny it?  When I heard this album in 1996,  I thought it was the future of music. Looking back, I know now I was one naive son of a gun. 

76. Tom Petty - "Free Fallin'"

It must have been the spring of 1993 or 1994. I attended a church retreat with my youth group on the Frio River. The camp had a 20-foot-high cliff where you could jump or dive into the water. It seemed like we jumped into that cold water hundreds of times.  It felt a little dangerous, and it made me feel alive. I found it exhilarating. 

My friend Doug and I started singing "Free Fallin'" that day. Now, all these decades later, when I hear this song, I still think of that weekend and the jumping into the cold Frio River, over and over again. I'm more than a little wistful.  I've never be that innocent again. 

75. Apples in Stereo - "Silver Chain"

This song feels like a classic that never existed, or it was written in a dream Brian Wilson had. 

74. The Grays - "Very Best Years"

I discovered this expertly crafted song a few years ago. You should discover it too. 

73. Travis - "Driftwood"

We all know people who are driftwood. All we can do is pray, hope, and wish upon a star. 

72. Dwight Yokam - "A Thousand Miles to Nowhere"

Beautiful, haunting song that is your first step to healing from your troubles. The song embraces the fact

that life is imbued with loneliness, and the song comes out the other side to acceptance.

71. Counting Crows - "A Murder of One"

I am NOT a Counting Crows fan, but I am a huge August and Everything After fan. I bought that album in 1995 and loved it. Then, sometime in the 2000s, I kinda forgot it. Then, a few years ago, I decided to listen to it again, and it's near perfection. This song ends the album, and it will slay you if you let it. 

70. Ben Folds Five - "Underground" (Live from Naked Baby Pictures)

Like most people, I have always felt different from most people. I have always felt a little odd, and maybe, just maybe, I was a little special too. Which is all the more odd, because most people feel this way too.  

"Underground" is one for the underdogs. Maybe we're not the weird ones after all. 

69. Lemonheads - "Outdoor Type"

It's a goofy, jokey song, and I like it because I am a goofy and jokey person. It's probably too high on the list.... but so what? 

68. Nirvana -"Aneurysm" (Live)

One of the single best openings to any rock song slowly builds you to....the poppiest song about heroin addiction. The album version is underrated, but I decided to go with the more raw version from The Muddy Banks of the Wishkah instead. 

67. Of Montreal -"Don't Ask Me to Explain"

Of Montreal's album Cherry Peel is lo-fi perfection. This song makes me feel like I live in a dingy old house full of hippies and a bunch of weirdos. 

66. Olivia Tremor Control - "Jumping Fences"

This song is like the sweetest candy wrapped in a brightly colored cellphone. Go ahead and listen to it back to back....I always do! 

65. Smashing Pumpkins - "1979"

In the mid-90s, you could not escape this song. It seemed like it was part of our life, a soundtrack for our times. It was a part of our lives, as much as going out late for tacos, ditching class to play pool at the bowling alley, or driving around late at night with friends, looking for something to do. 

It's a great song that gets me thinking about driving around in my friend Philip's car on Friday nights. 

64. Teenage Fanclub - "Mad Dog 20/20"

I think Teenage Fanclub is overrated. They always seemed like a band I was just supposed to like. But for me, something was missing (or maybe I was missing it, I dunno).  

This song was a throwaway B-side on DGC Rarities Vol. 1. It just fills in the missing pieces for me. "Oh this is why people love Teenage Fanclub!!" I love this song.  

63. Pearl Jam - "Better Man"

I think Pearl Jam is overrated. They always seemed like a band I was just supposed to like. But for me, something was missing (or maybe I was missing it, I dunno). 

Tee hee. 

That's not completely true, I do like PJ okay, and if anything, I respect them more than I did in the '90s. There were a few PJ songs that were contenders to make this list, but "Better Man" was the first Pearl Jam song I fell in love with. It's a five-star song and if you don't think so, then go suck a lemon. 

62. Old 97's - "Busted Afternoon"

There is something about this song that just screams summer to me. The first time I heard this country-western swing, I knew I was hooked. 

61. Duncan Sheik - "Barely Breathing" 

Yeah, this one is embarrassing, even by my standards. 

I heard this song in college and immediately downloaded it on Napster. Sure, it sounded like Adult Contemporary, but my God, I related to the lyrics. To this day, I don't know another Duncan Sheik song. I feel at this point that's the best option for me, it's just meant to be that I only know this one song by Duncan. 

60. Green Day - "She"

Green Day's album Dookie changed my life. No, I'm not kidding. 

I had dabbled in becoming a music fan in high school. I tried listening to my older sister's favorite music early on (Erasure, New Order, Nitzer Ebb,  NIN, etc.), but that didn't quite stick. Then, in 10th grade, I started listening to country (it's shameful, I know, but I went to the district's "Ag School"). I never really lost my love of rock music, and in '94 my musical tastes changed for good. 

The first album I purchased in my musical re-birth was Dookie. I never became a huge Green Day fan, but the band and Dookie hold a special place in my heart. Not all of it holds up for me, but "She" has never failed me. I love this song. 

59. Ween - "What Deaner Was Talkin' About"

There are a few songs on here that are short and sweet. This song leaves you wanting to hear more. To be honest, I don't know what Deaner was talking about, and I have no idea what this song is about...but it's good! 

58. Smashing Pumpkins - "To Forgive"

This is one of those strange songs I don't think about all that often, and then when I hear it, I am blown away by how awesome it is. Also, it's a strange fact that I don't really like Billy Corgan's voice, and yet they have a few songs on this list. 

57. that dog - "Minneapolis" 

Sometimes, a near-perfect pop song just floats to the middle of a list of favorite songs. Don't mistake my lack of comments for a lack of love. Insert chef's kiss here.  

56. Built to Spill - "Liar"

Built to Spill is like pizza. Most of the time, you are happy to eat pizza. Sometimes you get cheap pizza at a kid's party, sometimes you're feeling lazy, and you pop a frozen pizza in the oven. No matter how you get it, it's STILL pizza.  

I love Built to Spill, and even bad Built to Spill is pretty okay. "Liar" is like really good pizza when you haven't had good pizza in a long time. 

55. Sloan - "Loosens"

I would wait for my dorm roommate to leave for the evening, and I would put the Twice Removed CD in my stereo and crank up the volume. I didn't mind the dorm hearing this amazing album, but I didn't need them to hear me singing my heart out, especially to this song. This was my cathartic go-to song in the '90s. If you just experienced a break-up, listen to it at high volume for maximum impact. 

54. The La's - "There She Goes"

This was another one of those songs you just couldn't escape in the '90s. It's nearly perfect, and if I hadn't heard it 1.3 million times, it would have at least cracked the top 20. 

53. Superdrag - "Pine Away"

A hopeful ode to possibly, maybe, imagining yourself actually talking to your crush. 

52. Jellyfish - "The Glutton of Sympathy" 

Jellyfish should have been one of the biggest bands of the '90s. That didn't happen, so instead they proudly serve the public by serving as a symbol for cool indie musical taste. If someone likes them, you should look into whether they need a new friend, or if you haven't heard this song, it's not too late! Listen to this song and become that cool person. 

51. Apples in Stereo - "You Said That Last Night"

This was the first Apples song I ever heard. We played it on a lark on our radio show on the college radio station. This song and this album just made me see the world in a much brighter way. There was good music everywhere. 

50. Ramones - "Life's a Gas"

I saw the Ramones on their last tour ('96 Lollapalooza tour).  I didn't know them as well as I now know their catalog, but I came away impressed. I want this song played at my funeral. 

49. Everclear - "Santa Monica" 

When I hear this song, I think about the strange and bewildering time my friend Adam and I, in a hysterical mood from studying, made up hand signals that went along to this song's chorus in my kitchen at 2:00 AM. I still remember them and occasionally do the hand signs when no one is looking. I wish I could show them to you, they're really cool.

48. John Mellencamp & Me'Shell Ndegeocello -"Wild Night"

Joy. Pure rock joy. Also, I looked up this song on YT while writing this list, and holy cow, I remembered all at once why that video held my attention all those years ago lol. 

47. Sloan - The Lines You Amend

Mid-90s Sloan was a perfect merging of '60s pop rock and '90s alt/indie rock. I don't think anyone else has come close to this beautiful melding. This song was great enough, but then the bridge comes in, and it just leaves you wanting to rewind and listen to it again. 

46. Toad the Wet Sprocket - "Walk on the Ocean"

There are moments when you forget about yourself and the world's troubles, and all feels right. I have these moments listening to classic jazz live while having a drink with my wife, or getting caught up in a good book or TV show. For whatever reason, this song makes me feel innocent and new. The spring shower is over, and the sun is peeking out. 

45. Squirrel Nut Zippers -"Hell"

As I kid, I found the idea of hell terrifying. We didn't talk about hell much at my church or at my house, but it was there, lingering in the back of my mind. In college, I had a dream that it was Judgement Day, and I was being flown up into the clouds with a bunch of strangers around me. I just knew I was going to hell.  When I first heard this song, it felt a bit scandalous....but I knew it was catchy. 

Today, I don't believe in hell, and for me, this song acts in some small measure as a way to laugh at my old self and the odd and terrifying idea of eternal torment. 

44. Weezer - "Devotion" 

In October of 1996, my friend and I drove up to Austin to purchase tickets for Weezer's show at Liberty Lunch (that would occur later in December that year). There was no other way to get tickets, and I was NOT going to miss it. I left early in the afternoon so I could be back to SA by dinnertime, without my parents knowing. 

Tickets were on sale at the legendary Waterloo Records. Once we bought tickets, I did a little shopping, and to my shock, they had the "El Scorcho" single. Singles were a big deal in the '90s. As I was a Weezer super fan, this was a big deal. I had managed to hunt down all the Blue album singles so I could get my hands on any extra Weezer songs. 

In order to hear two measly extra songs (one of which was a re-recording of "You Gave Your Love to Me Softly", which I had already heard). I was going to have to shell out 15 bucks. This amounted to over three hours of work. 

Of course, I was a sicko, so I bought it and the single had "Devotion" on it. I didn't have a CD player in my car, so I had to wait until I  got home to listen to it...and I wasn't disappointed. This waltz (yes, it's the only waltz in the top 100) spoke directly to my little 19-year-old soul. It's still one of my favorite Weezer songs all these years later. 

43. World Party - "Put the Message in the Box"

Rock music is usually about romantic love. After a quick scan, about 40% of this list is songs about romance or break-ups. This song is NOT about love, it's about the world and not giving up or giving in to hopelessness. It might be cheesy, but my God, I need to hear more messages like this. 

42. Built to Spill - "Cleo"

"Cleo" is written from an unborn child's perspective (no, it's not about abortion). It's one of those few songs about children or parenting, and it's not terrible....in fact, it's amazing! 

41. Counting Crows - "Rain King"

If you're feeling defeated, down, and depressed, pop this little ditty on and maybe it will help. Everyone needs a few songs like this to get that pep in their step. 

40. Coward - "I'm Alright"

From a band no one knows, here's a song even fewer people know. It's a song about moving on after a break-up. I needed this song to survive for a long time. Power pop packaged for the people. 

39. Grant Lee Buffalo - "Truly, Truly"  

This is one of those "late bloomers" on the list. I never knew it even existed in the 90s. I discovered it last year, and I thought of my wife the first time I heard it. I am a lucky man. 

38. Matthew Sweet - "Sick of Myself"

This is a song I wish I could sing and play with my band at one of our concerts.  

But I don't have a band, and I don't play guitar. 

Still, if I DID, I would cover this song. 

37. Nirvana - "Man Who Sold the World" (Unplugged) 

Sometime in the late '90s, I had all four of my wisdom teeth pulled. The dentist told me he would give me "laughing gas" and suggested I bring my own music. I selected the Nirvana: Unplugged album, and it was a great choice. Within a few notes of the first song ("About a Girl"), I was whisked away to Wonderland. 

At first, I had to concentrate to determine what I was listening to. I would forget what song I was listening to, and I had to concentrate to figure out how long I was into the album. It felt as though I was between a dream and reality (the constant drilling sound did remind me of what was really going on). Otherwise, it was a hell of a trip, and Kurt and Co. were there to hold my hand.  

Anyway, I know this is one of two cover songs by Nirvana on the list, but they knock it out of the park.  It's a great performance. 

36. Pulsars - "Tunnel Song"

The Pulsars are my favorite band that no one I have met in real life has heard of. This song should be the first song you put on a road trip playlist. 

35. Breeders- "I Can't Help It (If I'm Still In Love With You)"

This B-side will make you fall in love with the Deal sisters. Is that enough for you to listen to it? Because it should be! 

34. Smashing Pumpkins - "Muzzle"

It's as if their hit song "Today" grew up, got jaded, and then realized it will all be okay because the human experience is terrible, wonderful, and most of all, shared with each other. 

33. Old 97's - "What We Talk About" 

Clever, poppy, catchy, country/rocky, with harmonies and a dash of spice on the side. You will drum on the nearest surface, and you will sing or hum along with this song, even the first time you hear it. 

All this, and they make you wait one full minute to hear that glorious chorus. 

32. Breeders - "Do You Love Me Now?" 

In 1998, I would go to the gym and get on the stationary bike and then run a bit more.  You could listen to the radio or the TV's but you could also bring a CD to the front desk, and they would tell you what channel to tune to. I had liked Last Splash alright, but I had never really given it a proper chance. Out of boredom, I took the CD to the gym one day...and I kept bringing it. Eventually, it all sank in and made sense. 

In one of these biking sessions to nowhere, this song broke my heart. I love this song. 

31. Cocteau Twins - "Bluebeard" 

I had heard about the Cocteau Twins here and there for decades, they seemed like a big deal in indie circles, but as there is so much music to hear.... I never got around to checking them out. In fact, my daughters introduced this '90s band to ME.... a self-appointed '90s music prince. 

Suddenly, I felt old and humbled all at once....but by golly, this is a hell of a song. 

30. Fountains of Wayne - "Sick Day"

When Fountains of Wayne were at their best, their songs about suburbia and modern life painted a picture that you wanted to go back to over and over again (RIP Adam Schlesinger).  Your brain will be almost forced into creating a music video for the people the lyrics describe. 

29. No Doubt - "Sunday Morning"

The last time I heard this song, it was on a Sunday morning. I was on my way to pick up my daughter's car from being towed. It had been a while, but when the song came on, it seemed like life was full of joy and beauty. A classic. 

28.  Pulsars - "Suffocation"

Is love like suffocation? Maybe a little, and this song might be too high on this list, but this album just makes you believe anything is possible in the world. This album is like if Power Pop and New Wave got together and had a baby. You should check out this album, it's self-titled and I believe only on YouTube. 

27. Sloan - "Can't Face Up"

Sloan is all over this list for a reason, and that's because for a few years in the '90s, they were the best band in the world and barely anyone outside of Canada even knew it. If you don't like this song, there's a good chance I don't like you. That's a little dramatic, but you get the point. 

26. Weezer - "The World Has Turned And Left Me Here"

Pathetic song for pathetic people. Highly recommended for teenagers. Of course, I don't relate to it anymore, but the Beach Boys-like conclusion still gives me "the feels" like I am 17 again. 

25. Nick Heyward - "Kite"

Short, lovely Brit-pop song that will stick in your head for days. 

24. Beck - "Brother"

I have never really been able to decipher the meaning in this mysterious Beck B-side...and I don't need to because I have felt its meaning in my bones, if you know what I mean. The haunting guitars, the out-of-tune piano, and Beck's ghost-like delivery combine to make an all-time personal favorite.

This song is about loss and regret, and when the song ends, it feels like I've had a good cry and I'm ready to go about my day, changed.... but not the same. 

23. For Squirrels  - "Under Smithville"

The story of For Squirrels is tragic, but if this song is any indication, they had a bright future ahead of them. This song is like the best of jangly REM, and it will make you wonder what could have been. This is a song about heartbreak about being ghosted and feeling like shit and yet, you'll be bouncing around like a happy little boy as you jam out to this ditty. 

22. Nirvana - "Turnaround"

Yup, another cover song!! But this song never fails to get me pumped up. It's angry, it's pop-punk, and Kurt is nailing his performance. Channel your disgust with the world and sing along. 

21. Jellyfish - "New Mistake"

Truly a song that deserved better than its reception. It's not hyperbole to say this is one of the best-crafted pop songs I have ever heard. It's amazing.

20. R.E.M. - "Near Wild Heaven"

In high school, my friend Adam convinced me R.E.M. was a terrible band and "gay". He was constantly bashing R.E.M. and I think he brainwashed me...even though I had loved "Stand" and "Losing My Religion" before I knew R.E.M. was considered uncool by one of my best friends. 

Sometime in adulthood I realized as much as I love Adam, he was being a dickhead and he was wrong. R.E.M. is pretty amazing, and this is my favorite R.E.M. song. I love it and it makes me feel good. 

19. Radiohead - "High and Dry"

You have to sing along with this song. It doesn't matter if you can sing or not; you just have to. 

18. Breeders - "Divine Hammer"

This song about evangelical Christians is ultimately about wanting to be spiritual, but realizing not everyone can be spiritual or believe.

There is a simplicity to the way some people believe that I find all at once puzzling and yet, well, lovely. If I am being honest, I'm jealous. Beyond the lyrical content, it's a great pop song that is catchy, but of course, you knew that. 

17. Fountains of Wayne - "Kid Gloves"

Fountains of Wayne is one of my favorite bands of all time, so it feels a bit weird to have a B-side listed as my favorite FoW song on this list (for those scoring at home, "Valley Winter Song" is my favorite Fountains of Wayne song). 

This song seemed to be written specifically for me and my on-again, off-again relationship. When I hear it, I remember the long drive from College Station to San Antonio and back again. Just outside of Bastrop, the highway would become a winding road through the shadow of Lost Pines Forest. It was as if I was being welcomed into a new topography and climate, and it was always something I looked forward to driving through.  

I would think about life, love, and the ever-present future. Often, I would make new mix-tapes just for the trip home or the trip back to school. It was something like healing. 

About fifteen years ago, a fire burned down a large portion of the Lost Pines, especially the area by the highway.  Oh, and that relationship never worked out either. 

The beauty of the Lost Pines is gone, but my memories of this song and that drive survive in my heart. 

16. Apples in Stereo - "Ruby" 

It may be recency bias that this song is so high, but I've been obsessed with this song for the last year or so. This jaunty number reminds me of the Muppets for some reason. "Ruby" will make you wonder if it's too late to start a band of your own and travel around the country in a van, giving concerts for free drinks. 

15. Big Head Todd and the Monsters - "Bittersweet"

This is one of those songs I heard as a youngster a few times. I liked it back then, but it wasn't on our macho rock radio station, and I don't remember it on MTV, so it was just off my radar in short order. Then, about two years ago, I heard it at the movie theater as I was playing a few arcade games with my son before the movie started. It all came back to me now. This has a little adult-contemporary vibe, but I am an adult after all. It's a song you could listen to three times in a row and still be ready for more. 

14. Spoon - "The Agony of Laffitte"

This acoustic song was originally on a little-known EP....it's soulful, sad, angry, reflective, and undeniable in its ability to crack into the recesses of your brain and take root. When the xylophone solo hit me, I knew I was hooked for life. 

13. Of Montreal  - "When You're Loved Like You Are"

At this point on the list, every song is good. Why is #12 better than #13? Why is #21 better than #38? Or #53 over #59? This is why it seemed like such a fool's errand to attempt to quantify these songs onto a spreadsheet....almost an obscenity. And yet, ranking this short song that sounds like a Beatles demo from 1964 at #13 just feels right.  

12. Sloan  - "Autobiography"

This song was a reminder of what was happening in college.....it reminded me that I was actually growing up.  I was learning to grapple with the limits of my childhood dreams and what it meant to finally pick a major and maybe settle in for the fact that my life now was less wide open than it was before. 

 I had transferred to Texas A&M almost on a lark, but at times, this made me feel like an adult, yet empty and alone.  As the song says, "I know I'm a conformer, but I'm sure it doesn't matter. My new friends are all adults, and my old friends all have scattered," resonated with me.

11. Spoon - "Loss Leaders"

I once saw Spoon live in a College Station bar with like 20 people actually watching Spoon. It seemed like there were more people there for Sixteen Deluxe (a band from Dallas). After Spoon played, Britt Daniels went to the bar to have a drink. I approached to tell him I loved Spoon and thought they played a great show....and I chickened out. I didn't want to bother him. Star-struck by Britt as if he were already the indie rock king/music critic darling. 

"Loss Leaders" is on the Mountain of Sound EP, and I  borrowed it from the radio station I DJ'ed at so I could record the whole thing at home. It is a deeply mysterious and captivating song. It was made all the more interesting to me when I read an interview with Daniels, in which he refused to explain the song's meaning. 

That doesn't mean it has some deep, special meaning, but it intrigued me. The song is somber and yet full of expectation.  Whatever its meaning or lack thereof, it works for me. 

10. Ben Folds Five  - "Evaporated"

This song takes me back to my last semester as an undergraduate. It was a lonely time in my life. Most of my buddies had graduated, and I lived alone. I had plenty of time to reflect on my choices, where I had been, and what was next.  I had grown up a lot in my five years of college. I encountered great joys, accomplishments, and new experiences, but they were followed by tragedy and heartbreak. 

I would paint, listen to music, and write a ton of poetry. I knew I was at a crossroads. This song feels like the end of a journey, weary and bleary-eyed. The central question facing me was how much of the past me remained. What had died, and what was I keeping moving forward?  

9. Jimmy Eat World - "Table for Glasses"

I had heard the acclaim about Clarity, and I just had to pick it up. It was a classic '90s purchase, I bought it without having heard a single song....and I wasn't disappointed. The first track is "Table for Glasses," which I found instantly moving, and yet I couldn't tell you why. 

Once again, it's another song that I don't have a clue what the topic is. See also Spoon's "Loss Leaders" below and Beck's "Brother" above. I guess I have a penchant for the unknown. That said, this mystery is the driving force behind my love of this song. The song hints at faith, "Lead my skeptic sight," but what kind of faith are we talking about? 

I would rather not even know the rest of the lyrics or what the song is "really" about. Any explanation would pale in comparison to what it means to me. 

8. Beulah  - "Emma Blowgun's Last Stand"

This song takes you on a journey that stays with you long after the song is over. Contrary to most of my top ten, I don't connect this song to my life or in a deep and personal way. It's this high on the list because it's one of the best songs I have ever heard.  In fact, I hope you've never heard of it, and I urge you to stop what you're doing and seek it out. Right now. Just keep this tab open and come back. I won't go anywhere. 

See? I told you it's good.

7. Weezer - "Across the Sea" 

I wrote a whole blog post about this song, so if you're bored, you should read it. Some critics have claimed this song and Pinkerton in general are "problematic". I have some sympathy for that position, but I disagree. When you really boil this song down to its core, it's about the fundamental human feeling of yearning. I can't tell you how many times I have belted out the zenith of this song with all my heart, and sometimes I sing with a little tear in my eye. 

6. Tom Petty - "Wildflowers" 

I liked this song in the '90s just fine, but it was just another cool Tom Petty song until somehow, this song became associated with my oldest daughter, which means I love it with my heart. I often get teary-eyed when I hear it.  For those tracking at home, our other daughter is connected to Cass Elliot's "Make Your Own Kind of Music," and my son's song is still to be announced....but, give me a break, he's only 13, so I still have a little time. 

Until I had kids, I never knew how you could want something so much for someone else. It's an ineffable feeling of protection, hope, and love. It's similar to the feeling I get when I dropped her off at kindergarten. They have to leave sometime, leaving the parents in a sea of loss, love, and pride. This song captures that feeling for me. 

It's the cycle of life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

5. Ben Folds Five - "Emaline"

The most surprising aspect of the compilation of this list has to be the fact that Ben Folds Five has three songs in the top ten and two songs in my top five. It doesn't seem possible or fair, but the placement of these two songs seems to fit for me. "Emaline" is a song about holding on too long and hoping against hope that your love will last another few months. At least that's what it meant to me.  

There's no way to track how many times I have never skipped a song that I know well, but instead choose to listen to....but "Emaline" probably takes the cake for me as it's the song I just never skip. 

4. Radiohead - "Black Star"

Sometimes, there is no one to blame for why things fall apart. I just found out that supposedly this song is about being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness, but I never knew that back in the '90s, and I don't think it matters. To me, this song represented the very human need for a purpose (or even a scapegoat), our minds impose meaning when often there is no meaning at all. The bright North star isn't special; it just happens to be special from our perspective here on Earth (and it will change at some point, too).  

The human heart is fragile and prone to irrationality. There is no reason why, there is no need to blame anyone, for the cliche is true, "the heart wants what the heart wants". Might as well blame it on the Black Star. 

3. Ben Folds Five - "Smoke"

In February of 1999, one of my best friends, Mikey, died in a car accident. A few months later, I was randomly listening to Whatever and Ever Amen, and when "Smoke" came on, it felt like I had never heard it before. I fell apart crying. 

Mikey was my best friend's little sister, but as things worked out, we became friends too. There were moments of pure joy and a sibling-like intensity between us, but there was also jealousy. 

In between our varying relationships, we both wondered, is there something here?

One night, we had traveled to visit her brother in Abeline. There was only a hammock in her brother's girlfriend's spare room. Yeah, I know, who has a hammock in a spare room? 

We looked at each other like, "Are we going to do this?" We had talked about possibly exploring dating, and here we were....alone, in a room with just a hammock. We slept in the hammock, nestled tightly. I didn't seriously consider "making a move". It felt comfy, it felt right. Anything more would have felt like a violation. 

The morning came, and I never remember ever talking about "us" again.  It seemed like the moment had been there, and yet we didn't know quite what to do with it. 

A few months before she died, she emailed me, still with questions lingering, but she was optimistic. We were at separate universities, and we were separated by several hundred miles. Maybe God, fate, or the universe would bring us together, or maybe not. Time would tell.  

Life is only understood looking backwards. I don't think we would have ended up together. There was something there, but I don't think it was enough for a long-term relationship. Even still,  I know we would still be friends. 

Mikey's death was not just a nightmare. I understand that moment as the first and inevitable step in wrestling with mortality and meaning. 

In the aftermath of her passing, I realized that night in the hammock was only a memory. I was the only one who would know how close we came to being something more. All the times we worked on a jigsaw puzzle or watched an old movie late at night, the silly conversations, the time she begged me to pick up fried burritos from Dairy Queen.....all that was left of Mikey and me were my memories. 

I knew even back then that memories can fade with time....and all that was left was the smell of smoke.

I still cry when I hear this song. I cry for Mikey and the forgotten memories. I cry for her family. I cry for a life that she never had. This song will stay with me until the day I die. I still miss Mikey, and I still smell the smoke. 

2. Weezer - "Say it Ain't So"

"Say it Ain't So" might be one of the greatest rock songs ever written. I know that's quite a bold statement, but it's my blog and my list...what are you going to do about it?  It all starts with that iconic opening riff, building from the bouncy verses to the crescendo of the glorious chorus, only to be topped by the bridge that spills into this massive, dueling guitar solo. If you haven't heard this song in a long time, give it a listen, but it can feel like you're being seduced....it takes the listener on a heck of a journey. 

It almost seems too perfect to have been written by a human. It's as if the Rock Gods had dictated the song directly into Rivers Cuomo's head to be shared with the masses. 

This song symbolizes 1995. I was graduating from high school and beginning college. I had hated high school until suddenly I had loved it. My senior year had been the best year of my life.  I had a few friends, and now suddenly I had a ton of friends. This was a time of possibility and hope. The world seemed to be unfolding in front of me. The soundtrack of my life in 1995 was Weezer's Blue Album. 

I would listen to "Say it Ain't So" on my stereo at home, singing and belting it out as loud as I could. It was a cathartic release. I couldn't relate to the song's focus on having a stepdad who I was worried was becoming an alcoholic, but the song channeled what anxieties I did have into pure rock release. 

Upon reflection, this song may be too high on the list. I tried to be as objective as possible in the creation of this list, but this song (and album) meant too much to me. It was always going to be in the top five, and I knew it. This song and album helped me navigate the waters of 1995. When I hear it, I still hear the exuberance and hope of my lost youth. 

Occasionally, the song will pop up on my massive '90s playlist on Spotify. If the mood and timing are right, I will indulge myself and begin to belt it out, as loud as I can. Being old can suck but at least I can still get some catherisis out of an old favorite.  

 As much as I hate Weezer (and love them), I still owe them one. 

Thanks, Rivers.  

1. Sloan - "I Can Feel It"

At the end of the list of songs full of forlorn love, mystery, and angst, is the song that this list had to end with, because this is the song that was playing when I proposed to my wife.

Both K and I had already experienced plenty of heartache ("She came runnin', I hate everything that came before me"). K was my best friend, so I think there was a feeling that maybe this new relationship was a little "too good to be true". Could a relationship feel this good, devoid of drama, agendas, time tables, and games? To feel surety for the first time was, ironically, a bit disconcerting.  Everything that had come before couldn't match what we were feeling. We chose to trust it, and despite the tragedies, setbacks, fights, and struggles, we continue to trust that first feeling we had in the late winter of 2001.  

This duet isn't just about falling in love; it's about trusting that feeling, despite "breaking under the crush". 

At some point, when we were dating, this became one of "our songs". In October 2002, I drove eight hours to Baton Rouge. I snuck into her house (with her roommate's permission, of course). I littered the ground with rose petals all the way to her room, and I had "I Can Feel It" playing on the stereo. 

When "I Can Feel It" comes on and we're both in the car, we both sing together in harmony. She still has a thing for me, and I have a thing for her too. Thank God.