Sometimes I feel worn out. The kids are in bed. The dishes aren't done but I am.
I don't mean just physically but mentally and spiritually. Lately, my spiritual life feels like I am running in place in one of those huge hamster wheels.
My actions show that I feel like God doesn't mind if I miss a prayer (or two or three or four). I feel disconnected from it all. This life has ups and downs and all arounds, and right now I'm in one of those ruts.
Frequently, I find my mind wandering to the future, never satisfying with what's right in front of me. Too busy to just be. Many people would be surprised to hear me say that because I am "in the moment" for most of my life. This is true for sometimes in moments with my children I am almost brought to tears of joy or beauty. When I am alone though, my mind betrays me.
The truth is, the future isn't better. The future might not exist at all. Now is better than the past and the future. It's all we have. The plans I make are just preparation. They should not be a substitute for living. If you are familiar with the Buddhist concept of mindfulness you know I just cribbed all that from my little bucket of Buddhist knowledge.
God, help me to see what's right in front of me.
I wanted to litter this little post with quotes from the Buddha and scripture and add a cute picture or two but it would just be for my pride's sake and plus, it's getting late.
Being mindful will help me be open to being closer to who God wants me to be. When I do pray, here's what I pray for.
Faith
Patience
Love of others especially my enemies
For the poor and helpless
To help those in need
Those in conflict areas of the world
For the scared and sick
To be a servant of others
All these characteristics to be in myself and family
To be where God wants us to be.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Friday, January 10, 2014
Thursday, June 17, 2010
One Week as A Muslim: Days 4 & 5
Days 4 and 5 have come and (almost gone).
I just have to admit it, I am not good at this.
I started off by missing my morning prayer on day four. It's been such a long and eventful two days, that I've even forgotten how that happened. I prayed at work my Dhuhr prayer (around 1:35) and was stung by ants crawling on the floor (the fiends!). I got home right at 5:00 and purposely did not pray because it was 5:00 and my daughters wanted to play and I had to prepare dinner and get them in bed by myself. I was back at for the last two prayers of the day.
Today, I AGAIN missed the morning prayer. This time the cat woke me up at 4:10 - I had to throw her in the garage and I thought, "just as I fall asleep my alarm is going to go off; what am I doing anyway?; I'm not really Muslim...I can make the prayer up at work". Just like that I shut off the alarm...
To my credit, I didn't fall asleep until after 4:40 (yeah, I keep track of stuff like that) and I did do my morning prayer at work. Even still, it felt like I was cheating.
I missed the afternoon prayer this time because I was CRAZY busy helping with registration. I felt guilty leaving my post...that's the simple truth. I should have but this time I thought, "It's not like I have any readers anyway". Um-huh, my internal voice actually said that. But I avoided the pepperoni pizza (boy, was I tempted - absentmindedly, I even had placed it on my plate...but replaced it with a dried up cheese slice).
But I haven't missed a prayer since (the house was briefly empty when I got home) I have to pray again shortly, but plan on doing so.
Look, maybe it's a little presumptuous but today I came up with a much better schedule for prayer (forgive me Allah)
Morning: Whenever you wake up
Mid-Morning: 10:25 (if you wake up after this point, you can make it up later in the day)
Afternoon: 2:25
((Mid-Afternoon Make-up (only if you missed the mid-morning prayer due to a late start): 3:45))
Early Evening: 7:25
Night: Before you go to bed
I like it because it would be spaced out a bit more and it would provide you time to pray at work, when you need it (at least when I need it most!).
Anyway, I'm not changing the game mid-stream just trying to think about what I would have set-up if it was all up to me.
Serious Reflection Time: So, what impact has prayer had on me so far?
It's hard to measure, although I have definitely prayed more than I ever have in my life. At least three times during the day I am making personal prayers to God. I have been focusing on our upcoming adoption and our child's birth mother - but also on our upcoming service project I am organizing.
It's made me even more appreciative than I already was....just reciting, "and my cup overflows" a few times a day is awesome. Reciting really does help you start to believe what you're saying. I thought the prayer might get remote or ritual-like but it has surprisingly stayed fresh. I really try to "feel" what I'm saying.
Never a big fan of even hinting at the "health and wealth" gospel - but I can truly say that this week has led me to realize that I believe "surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life".
On the surface it sounds pompous or even arrogant but when I reflect on it; I find it to be true. In a literal sense, I will be a father of three children, I'm married to a wonderful wife and have a wonderful family (in-laws included). Furthermore, I've got some great friends, our church family is great and I love my job. I believe that even when these variables change....I will still be surrounded by love. Furthermore, I will always be journeying with God for the rest of my life. God's love will suffice through all the good and all the hard times to come. In the coming days I write up a little more commentary on these verses I've been reciting....I never thought just simply repeating words would do so much.
I just have to admit it, I am not good at this.
I started off by missing my morning prayer on day four. It's been such a long and eventful two days, that I've even forgotten how that happened. I prayed at work my Dhuhr prayer (around 1:35) and was stung by ants crawling on the floor (the fiends!). I got home right at 5:00 and purposely did not pray because it was 5:00 and my daughters wanted to play and I had to prepare dinner and get them in bed by myself. I was back at for the last two prayers of the day.
Today, I AGAIN missed the morning prayer. This time the cat woke me up at 4:10 - I had to throw her in the garage and I thought, "just as I fall asleep my alarm is going to go off; what am I doing anyway?; I'm not really Muslim...I can make the prayer up at work". Just like that I shut off the alarm...
To my credit, I didn't fall asleep until after 4:40 (yeah, I keep track of stuff like that) and I did do my morning prayer at work. Even still, it felt like I was cheating.
I missed the afternoon prayer this time because I was CRAZY busy helping with registration. I felt guilty leaving my post...that's the simple truth. I should have but this time I thought, "It's not like I have any readers anyway". Um-huh, my internal voice actually said that. But I avoided the pepperoni pizza (boy, was I tempted - absentmindedly, I even had placed it on my plate...but replaced it with a dried up cheese slice).
But I haven't missed a prayer since (the house was briefly empty when I got home) I have to pray again shortly, but plan on doing so.
Look, maybe it's a little presumptuous but today I came up with a much better schedule for prayer (forgive me Allah)
Morning: Whenever you wake up
Mid-Morning: 10:25 (if you wake up after this point, you can make it up later in the day)
Afternoon: 2:25
((Mid-Afternoon Make-up (only if you missed the mid-morning prayer due to a late start): 3:45))
Early Evening: 7:25
Night: Before you go to bed
I like it because it would be spaced out a bit more and it would provide you time to pray at work, when you need it (at least when I need it most!).
Anyway, I'm not changing the game mid-stream just trying to think about what I would have set-up if it was all up to me.
Serious Reflection Time: So, what impact has prayer had on me so far?
It's hard to measure, although I have definitely prayed more than I ever have in my life. At least three times during the day I am making personal prayers to God. I have been focusing on our upcoming adoption and our child's birth mother - but also on our upcoming service project I am organizing.
It's made me even more appreciative than I already was....just reciting, "and my cup overflows" a few times a day is awesome. Reciting really does help you start to believe what you're saying. I thought the prayer might get remote or ritual-like but it has surprisingly stayed fresh. I really try to "feel" what I'm saying.
Never a big fan of even hinting at the "health and wealth" gospel - but I can truly say that this week has led me to realize that I believe "surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life".
Interlude from Joel Osteen: "Ya know it might not have worked for you, but it did for me...check out all this cool, expenisive leopard print stuff.
On the surface it sounds pompous or even arrogant but when I reflect on it; I find it to be true. In a literal sense, I will be a father of three children, I'm married to a wonderful wife and have a wonderful family (in-laws included). Furthermore, I've got some great friends, our church family is great and I love my job. I believe that even when these variables change....I will still be surrounded by love. Furthermore, I will always be journeying with God for the rest of my life. God's love will suffice through all the good and all the hard times to come. In the coming days I write up a little more commentary on these verses I've been reciting....I never thought just simply repeating words would do so much.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
One Week As A Muslim: Day 3: Imagining "God"
After the total failure of last week, I was back in the saddle again as a "Muslim".
Once again, I was back up before dawn and found it surprisingly easier than before. I recited my prayer without the print out and was tuned in as if I didn't skip a beat (falling back to sleep is always a little bit of an issue but still not too bad).
While I've gotten better at my recitation - one aspect of the prayer gives me pause. During the prostration you are supposed to "reflect on the glory of God" or something like that. As described elsewhere it this is the nonverbal part of the prayer - the most vague - I have the hardest time with.
If you say the word "God" to most westerner's you usually get 1-2 images that come to mind. One is the classic old man with a beard in a white robe. The other image is the stereotypical image of Jesus. In my case, my image of God comes from the picture printed on the inside of my Bible I had as a child. Ya know the one, he's on the cross, nearly naked, looking like he's in pain - bearded, long hair, etc. When someone says, "God"; that's usually the image that comes to mind.
So at 4:58 in the morning I find myself prostrated trying to reflect on the glory of God...and I got....nothing. Sometimes that picture of Jesus pops into my head. Other times I picture photos from the Hubbell telescope. Otherwise, my mind acts like it does during meditation. Meaning, it's here or there but not really focused (I had a really good meditation session once - but that's a different post for another night).
In Islam, the depiction of God is prohibited. If you visit a mosque or Islamic Center - you'll find relatively bare walls with the only decoration being Arabic calligraphy with verses from the Qur'an. When you Google "Allah" a bunch of images of the word "Allah" come at you.
Is this what Muslims see in their mind's eye when they hear the word "Allah"?
Also interesting is that images of the word "Allah" can be seen in the darnest places (much like the Virgin Mary) - "Allah" in the clouds, "Allah" in the water and my favorites, "Allah"on a piece of (disputed) fruit; "Allah" on a cow.
Anyway, back on topic - I think Islam has the right idea. Humans are always trying to make God more recognizable, or familiar. In many ways, this can be a good thing but on the other hand, God can't be and shouldn't be put in a box. While I might believe God's consciousness or form was temporarily in human form - "God" transcends outside the realm of human existence. God is neither male nor female, body nor spirit - God transcends all earthly ideas of life itself - leaving humans with our limited imaginations of what God might be.
So, I'll be working on what to say, think or imagine in the coming days....in the end, I'd like to think God believes it's the thought that counts.
Once again, I was back up before dawn and found it surprisingly easier than before. I recited my prayer without the print out and was tuned in as if I didn't skip a beat (falling back to sleep is always a little bit of an issue but still not too bad).
While I've gotten better at my recitation - one aspect of the prayer gives me pause. During the prostration you are supposed to "reflect on the glory of God" or something like that. As described elsewhere it this is the nonverbal part of the prayer - the most vague - I have the hardest time with.
If you say the word "God" to most westerner's you usually get 1-2 images that come to mind. One is the classic old man with a beard in a white robe. The other image is the stereotypical image of Jesus. In my case, my image of God comes from the picture printed on the inside of my Bible I had as a child. Ya know the one, he's on the cross, nearly naked, looking like he's in pain - bearded, long hair, etc. When someone says, "God"; that's usually the image that comes to mind.
So at 4:58 in the morning I find myself prostrated trying to reflect on the glory of God...and I got....nothing. Sometimes that picture of Jesus pops into my head. Other times I picture photos from the Hubbell telescope. Otherwise, my mind acts like it does during meditation. Meaning, it's here or there but not really focused (I had a really good meditation session once - but that's a different post for another night).
In Islam, the depiction of God is prohibited. If you visit a mosque or Islamic Center - you'll find relatively bare walls with the only decoration being Arabic calligraphy with verses from the Qur'an. When you Google "Allah" a bunch of images of the word "Allah" come at you.
Example Above: Way too afraid to make a joke.
Is this what Muslims see in their mind's eye when they hear the word "Allah"?
Also interesting is that images of the word "Allah" can be seen in the darnest places (much like the Virgin Mary) - "Allah" in the clouds, "Allah" in the water and my favorites, "Allah"on a piece of (disputed) fruit; "Allah" on a cow.
Can't wait to see "Allah" & the Virgin Mary on same pizza someday.
Anyway, back on topic - I think Islam has the right idea. Humans are always trying to make God more recognizable, or familiar. In many ways, this can be a good thing but on the other hand, God can't be and shouldn't be put in a box. While I might believe God's consciousness or form was temporarily in human form - "God" transcends outside the realm of human existence. God is neither male nor female, body nor spirit - God transcends all earthly ideas of life itself - leaving humans with our limited imaginations of what God might be.
So, I'll be working on what to say, think or imagine in the coming days....in the end, I'd like to think God believes it's the thought that counts.
Monday, June 14, 2010
One Week As A Muslim: Day 2
Day two was relatively successful. My prayers went off without a hitch (well, except the 8:30 PM) but that was a bit of foreshadowing to say the least.
During day two, I had my prayers down pat. I could recite most of it mindfully and really reflect on what I was saying. I could feel myself actually feeling....wait for it.... spiritual at times. A peaceful reassurance when reading Psalm 23; while a desire to submit and follow with the "Lord's Prayer".
At work, I found myself trapped furthest from the door at a packed-to-the-gills meeting (literally 75+ in a room meant for 25 or 30 at the max). I had to quietly get out before my afternoon prayer - which made for a slightly uncomfortable and more visible exit than I would have preferred.
I found an empty room again, but once again, found myself looking at the door, waiting to be "outed" as a secret Muslim (imagine how Obama must feel).
That evening I came home right at 5:00 and had to quickly prepare for prayer. This didn't go over too well. While my wife was and is extremely accommodating for such a weird guy - my 18 month old-daughter certainly doesn't get it. She came into the room as I was praying (unknown to my wife) - I continued to pray and placed her on our bed (she loves climbing on anything). When Kathryn discovered her, she took her out which; of course resulted in a screaming fit. Needless to say the rest of my prayer was rushed and not, as they say, "centered".
Topping the day off we ate at an "Persian" restaurant near our home (owned by Iraqi's). It was definitely fun and my daughters enjoyed watching strangely familiar music videos from the Middle East. It's like the late-80's-early 90's style music videos never really died...they just took root in a different part of the world.
I totally forgot about the 8:30 prayer as I was immersed in baking cookies for our upcoming adoption fundraising garage sale. As I hit the sack late on Thursday, I was tired....little did I know my little successful run was about to be broken.
During day two, I had my prayers down pat. I could recite most of it mindfully and really reflect on what I was saying. I could feel myself actually feeling....wait for it.... spiritual at times. A peaceful reassurance when reading Psalm 23; while a desire to submit and follow with the "Lord's Prayer".
At work, I found myself trapped furthest from the door at a packed-to-the-gills meeting (literally 75+ in a room meant for 25 or 30 at the max). I had to quietly get out before my afternoon prayer - which made for a slightly uncomfortable and more visible exit than I would have preferred.
I found an empty room again, but once again, found myself looking at the door, waiting to be "outed" as a secret Muslim (imagine how Obama must feel).
Little Known Fact: Our last 11 presidents have all been secret Muslims - "W" even kissed this guy - what a homo.
That evening I came home right at 5:00 and had to quickly prepare for prayer. This didn't go over too well. While my wife was and is extremely accommodating for such a weird guy - my 18 month old-daughter certainly doesn't get it. She came into the room as I was praying (unknown to my wife) - I continued to pray and placed her on our bed (she loves climbing on anything). When Kathryn discovered her, she took her out which; of course resulted in a screaming fit. Needless to say the rest of my prayer was rushed and not, as they say, "centered".
Topping the day off we ate at an "Persian" restaurant near our home (owned by Iraqi's). It was definitely fun and my daughters enjoyed watching strangely familiar music videos from the Middle East. It's like the late-80's-early 90's style music videos never really died...they just took root in a different part of the world.
Fact: This video was based on a real experince. If you see a person appearing as a sketch, you've just broken the fourth demension.
I totally forgot about the 8:30 prayer as I was immersed in baking cookies for our upcoming adoption fundraising garage sale. As I hit the sack late on Thursday, I was tired....little did I know my little successful run was about to be broken.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
One Week As A Muslim: Day 1
After two missteps, my one week journey as a Muslim finally began today.
After my cell phone alarm had me up at 4:50 - I went to the kitchen sink to begin the wudu cleansing rituals. These rituals can only be described as, well, literally symbolic. While you physically clean yourself; the point isn't physical cleanliness but rather a spiritual cleansing before praying to God. I felt a little divided about wudu this early in the morning. On one hand, I like the idea of preparing myself before praying but then again its 4:50 in the morning and the process will be waking me up more than I would ever want to be.
I started with my hands, nostrils, mouth, face, arms (up to my elbows) and finally my feet (up to my ankles). All this was repeated three times. I later found out I was practicing Sunnah traditions, which are based on the Sunni Hadiths. Admittedly, wudu did its job - I felt fresh and wide awake after I was done.
I started my recitation (again, I am reciting from my faith tradition using the 23rd Psalms and the Lord's Prayer) and completed two rakats (two prayer cycles) before heading back to bed.
Of course, my body was ready to start the day. I probably didn't drift off until about 5:30. Thankfully, our oldest only got up at 6:30 and stayed in her "Quiet Time" for the full 30 minutes until 7:00AM. Needless to say I was ready for my coffee at that point.
I went along with my day as usual; I left for work around 8:00ish and checked emails, made a few phone calls, got ready for my class, etc. My class will be conflicting with the afternoon prayer (Dhuhr) as it runs on MW from 11:00-1:45. Dhuhr usually happens between 1:32-1:35 PM. According to tradition, it's okay that I'm a little late - I am just supposed to make it up as soon as possible. So, after class and answering a few after-class questions, I headed upstairs back to my office. I thought I would check my email and find a vacant room (thankfully not as difficult to do in the summer semester). I got sidetracked by a friend...and then I remembered that I was already late with my prayer duties. I headed to the men's room for my wudu.
As I began cleaning myself in the public restroom for Dhuhr I began to feel a little self-conscious for the first time in my journey. I was worried someone might walk in as I was washing my arms up to my elbows. No one came in - but it definitely put me in the position of a Muslim here in the states. I began to appreciate the tension created by participating in a different belief system than the dominant culture.
I explored an area of our building that had a number of empty rooms. As I began my prayers in the corner of a darkened room, I nervously keep peeking towards to door when I heard the noise of nearby doors opening and closing or people walking by. I half-expected someone to burst in and discover me with my shoes off, bowing in prayer in the corner. I started to turn a computer on in case someone came in so that I could create a facade that I was checking something on the computer. However, I determined to just tell the truth if I was discovered.
When I got home, my family was at the in-law’s house (just around the corner) which allowed me peace and quiet for the Asr prayer (a little after 5:00 PM). I was expecting them any minute and rushed the whole process (this was definitely my worst prayer of the day). I slacked further at Maghrib (8:30ish PM) when I was making cookies for our garage sale adoption fundraiser and completely forgot. I remembered when Kathryn came home and started about 15 minutes late.
Finally my Isha prayer was a breeze because not only was it on-time but I hadn’t broken any of cleanliness traditions – I didn’t have to perform my wudu! What a relief for the last prayer of the day. I was definitely tuned in more than the others – I wasn’t tired, rushed or nervous someone would discover me and I was finally beginning to memorize my recitations.
My first day as “Muslim” was relatively successful. I haven’t explored the spiritual side of my experience so far, but I thought I would have plenty of time to do that in the future blog entries (after all, this is only day one of seven). I’m ready for Day 2!
After my cell phone alarm had me up at 4:50 - I went to the kitchen sink to begin the wudu cleansing rituals. These rituals can only be described as, well, literally symbolic. While you physically clean yourself; the point isn't physical cleanliness but rather a spiritual cleansing before praying to God. I felt a little divided about wudu this early in the morning. On one hand, I like the idea of preparing myself before praying but then again its 4:50 in the morning and the process will be waking me up more than I would ever want to be.
I started with my hands, nostrils, mouth, face, arms (up to my elbows) and finally my feet (up to my ankles). All this was repeated three times. I later found out I was practicing Sunnah traditions, which are based on the Sunni Hadiths. Admittedly, wudu did its job - I felt fresh and wide awake after I was done.
This would have been nice, but I stretch well - I hope the wife doesn't mind my feet near the kitchen sink! :)
I started my recitation (again, I am reciting from my faith tradition using the 23rd Psalms and the Lord's Prayer) and completed two rakats (two prayer cycles) before heading back to bed.
Of course, my body was ready to start the day. I probably didn't drift off until about 5:30. Thankfully, our oldest only got up at 6:30 and stayed in her "Quiet Time" for the full 30 minutes until 7:00AM. Needless to say I was ready for my coffee at that point.
I went along with my day as usual; I left for work around 8:00ish and checked emails, made a few phone calls, got ready for my class, etc. My class will be conflicting with the afternoon prayer (Dhuhr) as it runs on MW from 11:00-1:45. Dhuhr usually happens between 1:32-1:35 PM. According to tradition, it's okay that I'm a little late - I am just supposed to make it up as soon as possible. So, after class and answering a few after-class questions, I headed upstairs back to my office. I thought I would check my email and find a vacant room (thankfully not as difficult to do in the summer semester). I got sidetracked by a friend...and then I remembered that I was already late with my prayer duties. I headed to the men's room for my wudu.
As I began cleaning myself in the public restroom for Dhuhr I began to feel a little self-conscious for the first time in my journey. I was worried someone might walk in as I was washing my arms up to my elbows. No one came in - but it definitely put me in the position of a Muslim here in the states. I began to appreciate the tension created by participating in a different belief system than the dominant culture.
I explored an area of our building that had a number of empty rooms. As I began my prayers in the corner of a darkened room, I nervously keep peeking towards to door when I heard the noise of nearby doors opening and closing or people walking by. I half-expected someone to burst in and discover me with my shoes off, bowing in prayer in the corner. I started to turn a computer on in case someone came in so that I could create a facade that I was checking something on the computer. However, I determined to just tell the truth if I was discovered.
When I got home, my family was at the in-law’s house (just around the corner) which allowed me peace and quiet for the Asr prayer (a little after 5:00 PM). I was expecting them any minute and rushed the whole process (this was definitely my worst prayer of the day). I slacked further at Maghrib (8:30ish PM) when I was making cookies for our garage sale adoption fundraiser and completely forgot. I remembered when Kathryn came home and started about 15 minutes late.
Finally my Isha prayer was a breeze because not only was it on-time but I hadn’t broken any of cleanliness traditions – I didn’t have to perform my wudu! What a relief for the last prayer of the day. I was definitely tuned in more than the others – I wasn’t tired, rushed or nervous someone would discover me and I was finally beginning to memorize my recitations.
My first day as “Muslim” was relatively successful. I haven’t explored the spiritual side of my experience so far, but I thought I would have plenty of time to do that in the future blog entries (after all, this is only day one of seven). I’m ready for Day 2!
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