Confucius Didn't Say That: Find the Right Focus

There's not a person who wonders what life would be like if they were wealthy. Who hasn't dreamed of winning the lottery? Why couldn't have life just turned out a little bit differently?

Well, buckle up, my fellow Confucius Fanatics, on this post of "Confucius Didn't Say That", I enter unprecedented, new territory... a quote that isn't quite by Confucius, but it's the closest we've ever come on the series.

You'll see, I don't want to spoil it just yet.

Here's today's gem:


"Death and life have their determined appointments; riches and honors depend upon heaven." - Confucius 


Unlike most quotes on the series, which are largely pulled out a black hole of Google ignorance and idiocy, this quote is ACTUALLY IN THE ANALECTS.

Tim & Eric to the rescue. This .gif has aged like fine wine. It's a classic. 

Yeah, it shocked me too. It's as if the top ten Google quotes have been getting better of late..so yes, we have our first quote on the series that is actually in the Analects and yet I still scratched out Confucius in the quote above because.....wait for it.... he didn't actually say it.

This is as close as we've come on this blog series to an actual quote from Confucius but let's make this absolutely clear,  the quote actually comes from Zi Xia, one of Confucius' disciples, not Confucius himself.  Zi Xia was a pretty big deal too, it seems after Confucius' death, he opened up his own Confucian school and was quite successful....but the truth is even more complicated than that because once you see the quote in context, the quote really isn't even from Zi Xia! 

Zi Xia is actually quoting a (traditional) proverb. There's no evidence to suggest one or way or the other if Confucius would agree with this proverb (although I have a few guesses below). 

So, while it's as close to having a "real" Confucius quote on this blog series....as far as I am concerned it's just as bad as the others. Not only is it not from Confucius, but the quote is also completely and utterly out of context. So much so, it renders the actual passage to mean something nearing the approximate opposite of its intention.

Here's the full context, again from my favorite online translation, AC Muller, it's from 12:5:

"Sima Niu, upset, said: “Everyone has brothers, I alone have none.”

Zi Xia said, “I have heard this proverb: "Life and death are up to Fate. Wealth and honor are held by Heaven."

“If the noble man is reverent without lapse, and courteous to everyone within the frame of propriety, everything within the four seas will be his brother. Why should a noble man be concerned about not having brothers?”

The quote taken out of context seems to be saying that your birth and death are fated but your wealth is a blessing from Heaven. To Western ears, the idea of Heaven would likely be associated with God.  One might get the impression that Confucius had similar ideas about God/Heaven that many Westerners have. One might think Confucius is like the ancient Joel Osteen, health and wealth, baby!

Look, I have nothing clever to say here, just that Joel Osteen is an idiot.

Even if this quote was 100% true, I find it neither insightful nor helpful. It's the worst kind of advice or "wisdom" proverbs.  It reinforces the idea that you have no control over your life. Life and death? Fated. You're not rich? Too bad, God doesn't want you to be rich, you greedy butt-hole. You play the role of a victim in a game where you didn't set the rules and can't even control your own game piece.

I disagree with the quote on the merit of its claims as well. I don't think your life or death is fated, I don't think God wills people to be wealthy or poor. While free will is limited, it's also a fact that we do have at least some free will. And before you get technical on me, even if it turns out we don't have free will in any meaningful way, it's certainly better to believe it.

Let's unpack the analect selection a little further but I should point out I am only an amateur Chinese philosopher fan (I bet you haven't heard that very often). I freely admit I don't have a firm grasp of the Chinese language used here nor am I an expert on the concepts or historical background. On one hand, I am not sure if it's "fate" or "Fate" (I've seen this translated differently) and I am honestly not sure what the difference between my death being ordained by Fate (or fate) and my wealth determined by Heaven might be, given that they are both out of my hands. Although I could explain Confucius' conception of Heaven better than his idea of "Fate", I don't need to bother because it neither help us really understand the meaning and message of the passage.


Okay, so that's just getting the theoretical stuff out the way, hopefully, this next part won't be so boring. 
Now we gotta talk about Sima Niu.  Trust me, it's important, just bear with me.

Sima Niu is described as being "upset" when he pathetically states, "Everyone has brothers, I alone have none.” You might be thinking this is an exaggeration for effect because, after all, we all have felt alone in the world at one time or another. However, it turns out he really did "lose" his brothers (at least in some sense).

According to Edward Slingerland (his translation of the Analects is clear and his additional notes indispensable), one of Sima Niu's older brothers had caused trouble for Confucius previously and had planned a revolt against his sovereign, while his other older brother had already carried out an unsuccessful revolt earlier in his life.

As Slingerland states, "The comment 'He alone has no brothers' is not meant literally; the point is either that he has no brothers truly worthy of being considered brothers, or that all of (his) brothers are in exile...and therefore as good as dead" (Slingerland 127). Meaning, Sima Niu is feeling lost and without a center. He is in need of good advice.

Zi Xia's first response to Sima Niu's suffering is that traditional proverb we've already read... but he immediately follows it up with the wisdom of his own. This immediate response might be read as a slight rebuke of the proverb. It implies the old proverb is at least not applicable in this case and at worse it implies the proverb to not be useful at all.

The advice that Zi Xia does give focuses on what the upset Sima Niu can do. And the advice is really good:  

“If the noble man is reverent without lapse, and courteous to everyone within the frame of propriety, everything within the four seas will be his brother. Why should a noble man be concerned about not having brothers?”


In other words, we shouldn't focus on the past or things you can't control, we should focus on what we can control. We have to realize that life, death and riches are largely out of our control. All we have are our choices. The advice is almost existential. 

Of course, Zi Xia isn't an existentialist at all and he proves it with a VERY Confucian claim that if you are good, good things will surely follow. It's a hopeful and quite naive point that Confucius and his followers constantly make. It's possibly seen most clearly in 4:25:

"The Master said: “If you are virtuous, you will not be lonely. You will always have friends.”

Confucius had an almost unhealthy faith in the power of a good example or righteous character. When the right things were being done (by the right people)....things would fall into place for everyone.

 It was almost as close as the usual grounded Confucius gets to magical or religious thinking.  This quote is  from 16:2:

"The Master said: “When the Way (just government) prevails in the realm, then ritual, music and military campaigns are all initiated by the emperor. When the Way declines in the realm, then ritual, music and military campaigns are initiated by the nobles. When these things are initiated by the nobles, the ruling house will usually lose its power within ten generations. When these things are initiated by the high ministers, the ruling house will usually lose its power within five generations. When they are initiated by the lower officers, the ruling house will lose its power within three generations. When the Way prevails in the realm, the common people do not debate politics among themselves.”

All in all, I think Zi Xia gives good advice but I wouldn't go as far as Confucius in my faith that my good examples and choices will be rewarded. I do agree with the sentiment that if we focus on our choices and we work on building character, we will find more doors opening for us than if we don't.

Humans have always excelled when we focus on what we can do, not what we can't do. We need to follow Anna's advice from Frozen 2. Anna had it right, all we can do when things get tough is to "do the next right thing".

To be clear the movie is pretty okay but this song "Do the Next Right Thing" is amazing.

Yeah, I did it, I wedged a Frozen 2 and a The Fiddler on the Roof reference in a single blog post about Confucius. Life achievement unlocked!! Thank you Good Night!!!

Thought of the Day

Nothing I say, write or do will be remembered.

In as few as one hundred years my dreams and triumphs, my failures and defeats will be dust.

So in between now and forever, I choose to love and work in small ways to make the future better for the generations to come.  

How I Met Your Mother VI: The Leap (2001-2002)

Some people think their lives are governed by fate, God or (the most silly of them all), "the universe".  I expect most of us have found ourselves in a circumstance that seems almost magical.  We might imagine ourselves experiencing events that seem quite impossible to happen in a purely material universe. It's an appealing idea and it makes us feel like that there really is a master plan after all.

Note: If there is a master plan, I am assuming it can't be stolen by Time Bandits. But then again, the universe may turn out to be far more absurd than we realize. Seriously, go watch this film if you haven't already.

I believe in God but this doesn't mean that I think everything in life is predestined or ordained to happen.  No big surprises here but I don't have the answers to these timeless questions about destiny, fate or "God's plan". This much I can tell you: for most of my life my mother prayed for me to meet a woman like your mother. In 1994 that prayer came true. However, I hope that after reading this story it's clear that in life we always have choices. Everyday, we wake up and make choices on who we are going to be and how we are going to act. So it's true that I think God brought us together but we still had to take a leap of faith. Together.

By the fall of 2001, Kathryn had gone back to LSU and I was entering my second year of graduate school in San Antonio. We didn't have as much contact as you would think (you have to understand that neither of us owned our own cell phone and long-distance calls were still expensive). I do remember a few email and phone calls being exchanged between us.  In September, JJ and I were on our way to visit Eric in Abilene and I managed to almost kill us in a car accident when several deer ran in front of my pickup truck. I flipped the truck about six times but you already knew where my scar came from and that's a different story.

All my other friends had significant others so JJ and I were the only single guys left. We ended up hanging out at least once every two weeks. We would complain about Rick and Clinton and about how our two love interests couldn't see the truth (the truth: that obviously, we were infinitely more desirable then our counterparts, of course). I even shared a "concept album" mix CD I had made about the Marie Saga that I thought he might relate to.

Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, things went from bad to worse in Kathryn and Rick's relationship. Your mother had been plagued by doubt about the relationship while Rick was ready for a possible engagement. Sometime in October, after weeks of soul searching, Kathryn ended the relationship. There were other factors in their break up but the truth was Kathryn was ready to get back with JJ. When she called me with the news, I was giddy. Two of my best friends were going to be  together.

When Kathryn had told JJ that she was ready to get back together and renew their relationship - JJ said he was unsure about how he felt. The next day JJ and I met for lunch to talk about the big news. When he told me he was unsure about what do next, I was flabbergasted.

This was the guy who for months had said he would do anything to get Kathryn back and now....now he was telling me he had doubts?  I was downright angry once I got over my shock at what was happening. I had prayed to God for another chance with Marie  and he might be throwing his own chance away? This was the first time I doubted that JJ was the right man for your mother.

In the coming weeks, I was hearing from both Kathryn and JJ. For the first time I felt like my loyalties were being tested. Who exactly should I be loyal to? What did "loyal" even mean in this situation? I felt like the middle man and I didn't feel comfortable with this arrangement. I wanted them to work it out on their own. Once Kathryn got back in town, I planned on laying low and hopefully letting them spend a lot of time together to figure it all out.

The winter break arrived and JJ and Kathryn were "dating" but not seeing very much of each other. JJ even mentioned to me his interest in another woman, as if he was completely single.  I didn't even know how to respond to him. They were definitely not back together, only taking things slow by "dating". On the flip side, Kathryn and I were talking everyday, not only about JJ but just having a good time. One afternoon, I went over to her house and we watched a movie and I had a paraffin wax treatment on my fingernails. We had a blast hanging out. After a week of seemingly constant contact, we were becoming best friends. I remember my feelings bubbling up, but I did my darnest to suppress them.

At some point, plans were drawn up to go to Midnight Rodeo - Danny, Jenny, JJ, Kathryn and myself all rode together in the same car. Kathryn and I had been "dance partners" for the last two summers but this night I was going to have to defer to JJ (even if he wasn't much of a dancer). JJ and Kathryn didn't dance to the first few songs so the three of us just hung out as Danny and Jenny danced. I don't remember how it all went down, but eventually Kathryn and I danced. I know JJ and Kathryn danced that night but it wasn't as much as we had. On the long drive home, Kathryn and I were in the backseat with Jenny and JJ was up front with Danny. I remember laughing a lot about something silly. JJ was oddly quiet. The next day Kathryn told me JJ had been jealous that we had been getting along so well that night.

A few days later, I was driving to pick up a quick bite to eat and I saw Marie jogging in the neighborhood. An hour later we were still talking in my pickup truck. We hadn't had much contact since the spring but after this conversation I felt like we hadn't missed a beat. The Christmas party was in a few days and I found myself asking myself (almost unbelievably) were we really doing this again? Was I going to risk heartbreak by letting hope into my heart?

Although we couldn't have known it, in reality the Christmas party really was Marie and JJ's last chance with either one of us.  For most of the night, your mother and I stayed apart and floated around our respective love interests. I even remember leaving the party and seeing Kathryn and JJ together. I remember thinking they didn't seem to be having a good time together - they seemed so serious. This was only an impression I had, I have no idea what was going on in their heads. I had a great time with Marie that night and after the party we even grabbed some late night tacos together. This time I was at peace with the situation; I still liked Marie but I was determined to not make the same mistake twice. At least for one more night, your mother and I were still blinded by our past and unable to see the opportunity right in front of us.

A few days later I was invited to Philip's family's annual Christmas Eve party. Philip always wanted me to ask Kathryn out - even when I wasn't on board. He would tell me that Rick and JJ were no good for her and that we should just "get it over with" and date. It all seemed so simple to him and I usually just dismissed him. I have to admit that his encouragement helped keep the idea alive. Philip knew I was having mixed feelings about Kathryn and he was eager just to push me even further in that direction. He told me to tell Kathryn that he had personally invited her to come and that he would even call her if I wanted him to. He told me it would feel casual as we all lived just a few streets from each other.

We did have a lot fun at the Christmas Eve party. Afterwards, I drove Kathryn home and we talked in the car for well over an hour about life, love, everything. As I drove home well after 2:00 AM, I thought how we were doing everything together like we were a couple. We continued seeing each other every other day and talking every single day. There are too many small stories to tell. For New Year's Eve JJ had asked Kathryn to go on a date so I was left to make plans on my own. It felt weird to be apart on a holiday.

At this point I had feelings for Kathryn but I felt guilty for doing so. I was trapped and I knew the only honorable thing to do was to remain her friend. It seemed it just wasn't meant to be, our timeing was off. Kathryn had just broken up with Rick, tried to get back to JJ, I needed to just be her friend.  . On January 2nd, Kathryn and I tried to organize a night out at Midnight Rodeo. It seemed like everyone was out of town or couldn't go - even JJ couldn't make it. So, it was just your mother and I, dancing again. We just seemed to fit together well. This was the night I officially and undeniably fell for your mother. I wrote in my journal the following day,

"...she's my best friend and she's beautiful, what more can you need? But it's not the right time….I feel that this needs to work it self out, somehow. And I don’t want to play that part, that way..."

A few nights later, Philip's girlfriend Doris was having a birthday party at a club called Banana Joe's. Of course, Philip told me to invite Kathryn. This time Philip's positive vibes were paying off - I was ready to make a move. As we drove downtown to the club, it definitely felt different. If Midnight Rodeo was "safe dancing" between friends; Banana Joe's was more of the "club dancing" type of place. After a few minutes of hanging out and having a drink or two, we all went out on the dance floor. This time things the dancing was a littler more closer, a little more personal. Tonight was different.

At Banana Joe's the night everything changed.

We went for tacos after the club and I was ready to tell her I loved her right there at Chacho's but I hadn't mustered up the courage yet. It seemed like events were out of control and were moving at light speed. Something that had seemed unimaginable, radical, crazy just a few days ago now seemed natural, almost logical.

I went home on cloud nine but I was soon floating back to earth, surrounded by questions. Was I really going to risk losing two great friendships?

Timeout: I want to make this next part crystal clear. 

Yes,  I was feeling guilty about the whole thing. JJ and I were  friends after all.  However, Kathryn and JJ were not exclusively dating. I would not even consider acting this way had they been a "couple" even if they were an unhappy couple at that.  In my opinion at the time, he wasn't all that interested in dating her.  It's true because I had spent more time with her that winter break than he did. For whatever reason, he did not feel comfortable spending much time with Kathryn.  Furthermore, he had expressed doubts about their future to me personally sometime in November or December.  This was after weeks of me personally telling him to "not blow it" back in October and November--even before I had an inkling that this would happen.  

That next evening we made plans to hang out at Jim's together. I had decided that I was going to tell her about my feelings at Jim's. With just a few minutes before I left my house I started to get very nervous. The stakes were high. What if she wasn't ready to date anyone? What if Banana Joe's was just a mistake? Was I ready to leave Marie behind for good? If we dated and our experiment failed, my friendship with Kathryn and JJ would likely be over. I would lose two of my best friends.

I felt like I needed God to guide me. I got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed that if this wasn't to be, for God to stop it somehow. I prayed that I would have the right words to say. I think I even prayed that your mother felt the same way too. On the way to Jim's we cobbled together some small-talk -- we both knew we had to discuss something much more important that night. Over a vanilla milkshake and a hot chocolate, I confessed my feelings to your mother. It was in this moment where our lives changed forever.

I told your mother that even though I had tried not to, I had feelings for her and I thought we should try to date. I told her I wouldn't risk these relationships for just anyone, only for the chance of an extraordinary relationship. I told her I thought we could be something special. Before she said a word I was already comforted because she was smiling.

We talked for hours that night. About what Marie and JJ would think and about how crazy fast this was going but how organic it felt. We ended up watching a movie at my house mainly because we didn't know what else to do and because I think we didn't want our night to end so early. After the movie, your mother was walking out of my parent's kitchen. I met her as she was walking back towards the living room in front of the bookshelf that now resides in our living room.

I can't remember what we talked about but we were soon hugging. I looked into your mother's eyes and I knew it was time. Almost seven years after our first date, I finally kissed your mother for the first time. It was worth the wait. Through all the parties, funerals, long conversations, tears, laughs and the hours of dancing, we found ourselves together, at last, as best friends.

It was, of course, only the beginning.

Those first few days I was terrified JJ would want her back and she would go back with him. I was half-right. When Kathryn told JJ that we would start dating, his doubts about their relationship suddenly disappeared. He was ready to commit. When Kathryn told Marie, she was also upset (yes, she had a boyfriend, but she was definitely confused with her feelings at the time). We took a big leap that night at Jim's. We trusted God and trusted in ourselves that we felt this was the right. It paid off in full. We were in love; a scary, life-affirming love. The kind of love that makes you doubt it's even real, but it was and it still is real today. It is my most sincere hope that you will find this type of love in your life. There's no promise that you will but if you do find it and you're sure (and you are over the age of 21) then never let it go.

Life is short but "love is as strong as death". You see I can rest a little more easy tonight because I know this story can live a little longer after I am dead and gone. The future is uncertain but I hope whenever and where-ever you are reading this you have found something in this story to take with you. At the worst maybe you'll appreciate the very fragility of your existence. I love all of you so dearly and I will always be there for you if I am able. If I'm around right now, please give me a hug. Go ahead, I'll wait as you track me down in the other room. So it's time to close this long tale - for now you know the full story of how I met your mother.

Postscript (2018):  Well, you know how the story ended up but for those strangers out in internet-land I want to note that Marie was a bridesmaid at our wedding and after a few awkward years, we both rekindled our friendship with JJ.  Oh, and we're still having those annual Christmas parties, except this time there's a lot less drama and more kids running around.