My Bookshelf is the Story of my Life

I started cleaning out my bookshelf the other night and realized that many of the books on my shelves tell a story about my life the last few years. Here are a few random ones (not in any particular order):


Beowulf - I have this one from my graduate literature class I enrolled in for promotion at work. Out of all the books I could have chosen, I chose this. I thought a mythic, legendary tale would be fun. Boy, was I wrong. The book is boring. Not just boring, though, it's a disappointing, mind-numbing, "how is this a classic book?" boring. The type of boring that you think will eventually end (I mean, I knew the general outline of the book, I was just waiting for stuff to happen).  I actually never finished it, even though I wrote a ten page paper on it.

Totally cool, right? What you don't know is the action scenes amount to a paragraph and the boasting and summarizing goes on for pages.

The Book of Mormon - About four years ago two Mormon girls came to my door to convert me.   My wife and kids weren't home so I was game.  After having some fun, I still wanted "The Book" being that I didn't have it and was interested (but not in the way they wanted me to be "interested").  I was supposed to promise to pray to God to reveal to me if it was true. I told them I would pray but not that prayer. I told them I wanted it because I was interested in all religions - Buddhism, Islam, etc. Also very boring...no disrespect, but the whole thing is also, well, silly.


The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang - A true story that is  powerful, sad, violent, and insane.  It shows the dark side of humanity at its very worst.  I read this in preparation for a World Literature/World Cultures class a colleague and I were planning to teach. We were excited as the class would be partially focused on food. I even made a kick-ass poster. Guess how many students enrolled in the class? One. Just one lousy student. Well, the class never happened and my colleague shortly left the college. Needless to say, The Rape of Nanking is an amazing read (and very depressing).


Moon (travel) Handbook: Nepal - In the winter of 2007 I planned a trip to Nepal. I was even accepted into a program to help in an orphanage in Kathmandu for a week in June of 2008. I started an ambitious plan to save money and I was pumped. In the meantime, we got pregnant, my best friend got engaged (and promptly asked us to attend the wedding, which was out of state). I decided I shouldn't/couldn't go to Nepal. I was sad but afterwards a weight was lifted off my chest. One day, I'd like to go.

I still look at this and sigh.....maybe some day.

Marvel Essential: Marvel Universe Volumes 1 & 2 - I love comic books. However reading encyclopedic entries of comic book heroes and villains is kinda stupid. Like trying to figure out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.  It makes for a great comfort read though. Perfect for a late night before bed when you have a lot on your mind or when you'll be awhile on the toilet.

The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne - I first discovered Shane Claiborne browsing at a Christian bookstore and found his amazing Jesus for President (I let a friend borrow it who lives in London two years ago and never got it back). After reading Jesus for President, I shortly bought this one. Both books just make you want to quit your job and do something crazy. I can't recommend it enough for anyone.  You'll be inspired to live an authentically Christian life that has everything to do with helping the poor, resisting nationalism and war, and transforming lives. Wonderful stuff. I am currently reading another book of his now, Follow me to Freedom.

The Jewish Study Bible (Oxford University Press) - So I started a free online class about the Hebrew Bible (taught by a Harvard professor). This was completely for my own education and enjoyment. I took copious notes during the lectures and read all my required reading. This particular Bible is awesome. The footnotes are what killed me. I couldn't stop reading them, even when I knew I should stop. I would have 20 chapters to read and it would take me weeks to get through it. I got about 8 weeks in (which took me 4 months to get through). I aced the mid-term although I declined writing the essay portion. I started reading again (somewhere in Leviticus) and just lost my own will to continue. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it just the footnotes did me in. That, and the fact that I starting reading other stuff in the middle of the class. It's still a great resource though.

Finally, and most importantly our growing library on Ethiopia and adoption...that is a unfinished story but of course, ongoing.

And with that, good night. Happy Holidays, to whomever is out there!

Weezer's Tragic Girl

Note: This is a Weezer-centric post, consider yourself warned.

Weezer's Pinkerton was re-issued last month and I can heartily recommend it to anyone interested in finding out what 1990's rock music was all about. Pinkerton Deluxe serves as a testament to the world that the song writing of Rivers Cuomo of the 1990's was only surpassed (in my humble opinion) by that of the Beatles in the mid-60's. It's a crazy argument that will get it's own post someday.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. Last spring the online community learned that there would be a track on the Deluxe edition of Pinkerton that had been recorded but unbelievably forgotten about. This was a huge shock, as Rivers had meticulously documented just about every song he ever wrote onto a spreadsheet. Even song fragments and chord progressions got documented. Here was a song that seemed to come out of nowhere. An un-heard b-side of that era, Getting Up and Leaving was already legendary. This was a revelation.

Weezer in 1996 - Weezer's always had a thing for weird photo shoots but back then the douche factor much lower. 

The unearthed song was titled "Tragic Girl" and instantly there was suspicion that it was a new song or a fragment that was being re-recorded. Even the title was denounced as sounding "post-Pinkerton" (a common reference in the online Weezer community, usually inferring inferiority of anything after 1996).

After a few weeks we finally received confirmation from the band's sixth man, Karl Koch. He stated it was indeed a lost track that was recorded when he was out of town and just completely forgotten about. The song was touched up in 2010, but Karl hinted the changes were less than 5% of the total song. Most importantly he said the song was good (at one point claiming it was "god X 1000...you think I'm kidding").

What made this so tantalizing was that Cuomo during the Pinkerton-era was at his most ambitious, most confident and most free. It was a dream come true for a Weezer fan.

As the release day finally approached I kept trying to keep my expectations down, thinking it was more than likely about as good as a demo or b-side of the era (which, is actually, pretty amazing). I kept thinking that it can't be that good if it was forgotten about.

When I finally heard the song, it just about blew my expectations out of the water. It was everything a lost-Pinkerton track should sound like. On the first listen, I smiled as the drums kicked in (God, I've missed this type of sound on a Weezer record). The guitars are messy and the lyrics are (at times) amazing. The song structure is non-typical and the guitar solo and musical interludes are a breath of fresh air from the cookie-cutter song writing approach Weezer has typically produced lately (with a few notable exceptions on The Red Album).

(That was a lot of parentheses in one paragraph)

This isn't Weezer, I just found it Googling Weezer pictures. Just look at 'em - some random band.  I'm a pacifist and this photo elicits violence in me. I want to send them a comb for Christmas.

The song centers on a relationship that is ending. As with all of Pinkerton-era songs, the lyrics are brutally honest. However, in this case the narrator isn't as sympathetic in his presentation of himself as he is on the album. In Pinkerton, Rivers presents himself as at various times, creepy, horny, obsessive and weird but the main theme of the album is unrequited love. We feel bad for Rivers in most of the songs. Only on the album's closer, Butterfly does the narrator finally accept most of the blame for his relationship problems.

In Tragic Girl, Cuomo is up-front that this withering relationship that is mostly physical for him "Even as I anoint your door, I'm looking out for something more". In fact, he's "...crying too - because no one else touches me like you do". In classic Cuomo fashion, he feels bad about it all, but covers it up, "I'll try my darnest to be a bastard, I want you to think I don't care."

It's this duality of men that women will never understand. "Look, I'm using you, but I feel really bad about."

He goes on to say to the woman, "You're a tragic girl, you lead a tragic life, I'm just meant to be your latest tragedy". Rivers recognizes something inherently sad about her. Maybe he knows she's just had a dramatic, sad life. Maybe it's just this specific relationship that's tragic. The point is, he loves her physically but deep down, he knows that she's just not right for him.

The apex of the song has Cuomo lamenting, "This ain't no butterfly girl, this ain't' butterfly love, I'm gonna have to be your latest tragedy".

Here is where I am having trouble with the song - I associate butterflies with child-like innocence, beauty, and fragility. Wouldn't that be the epitome of a tragic girl? Is he saying, "Look, you might be fragile and tragic and all that, but this was never some sort of deep, meaningful relationship to me"? Maybe he believes she was never "innocent" to begin with...I'm unsure.

It's a beautiful song. It's sung with so much conviction that it sounds like it hurts. It's a mixed emotional bag of a self-loathing, living in denial of who-I-am, sex-obsessed, recluse/rock star life.

I recently read a review of Pinkerton Deluxe that claimed Rivers was a "creepy jerk" (or something like that). I suppose there are some creepy parts...but that's what I love about it. It was brave. He's honest about who he was and what he was experiencing. He did not give in to the temptation we have of just telling others about the good side of us. Rivers showed us who he was - warts and all.

In doing so, we related to who he was -- what guy hasn't ever been creepy at one time or a total jerk to a nice girl? What guy hasn't gotten a little obsessive about someone that rejected him? We all go through this. It's part of growing up.

Many in the Weezer community were reminded that this is probably the last we'll ever hear of the late-great band that was. I don't feel sad at all - I'm just thankful for a little more 90's Weezer than I ever expected to hear. I got over what I wanted Weezer to be a long time ago. Yeah, it's disappointing, but why focus on the negatives? Without "crappy" Weezer today, this would still be rotting on a forgotten tape somewhere.

Just Being

A few weeks ago when the rest of my family was out of town on a Sunday, I went for a walk instead of church.

This made me happy because nature makes me feel more spiritual than going to church.

I can't exactly place my finger on why walking outdoors feels more comfortable or "spiritual" than going to church. It might be because I'm really a introvert who forced myself to be an extrovert. Maybe it's because when I'm walking I'm more interested in just being and experiencing rather than trying to rebut the sermon I'm listening to.

Life seems to make more sense outdoors. In the world I'm surrounded by doubt, drama at work, disappointment, and always searching for answers. Most of the time all my thinking just leads to more questions or unsatisfying answers. I don't mean to say my life is horrible - it's just that life out in the world often amounts to unsatisfying conclusions.

When I am in nature - it - no, I am different.


I'm more at peace with life, I'm more calm and relaxed. Even walking towards no destination I seem more purposeful.

Anyway, back to the walk I was talking about....after walking for about thirty minutes I sat down to pray and attempt to meditate. I was reminded by the wisdom of Daoism which sees nature not for what can be done with it, but seeks to emulate it in its very being. Nature doesn't seek answers. It doesn't worry or have any drama. It just is.

"Nature is not kind - It treats all impartially" - Dao De Jing

Sitting there I realized that everything of the world; the rat race, my doubts about God and myself seem so absurd and petty. Our answers are all right here in front of us. When I pray outside I feel closer to creation and my creator. I feel assurance - that there is a purpose for it all. Being busy and constantly doing things creates separation from the natural world or natural way of living.

As I sat down I first watched as a light wind came upon the trees around me like waves in the ocean. It was so quiet, I only heard the leaves rustling above and around me. No planes were overhead and the wind masked the far off highway as well. This solitary moment felt right. I meditated for a short while (honest disclosure: when I meditate, its only for a few seconds at a time). I then prayed for a long time for the first time in a long while.

I continued walking, moving wherever it struck my fancy. I prayed three separate times on that walk. Each prayer was for a long period of time followed by just walking and very little thinking. I wasn't so much asking for things in these prayers as I was just talking and expressing my hopes, concerns and dreams. Some might say I was talking to myself, and maybe that's what part of prayer is. The point is this experience away from church put me in tune with the divine more than church ever does. It was the salve for a tired-churched out guy.

Things I Discovered in College (1995-2000)

It's been awhile since I had a list, so, well, here's a list of things I discovered in college. It was the 90's and I had a blast finding out who I was.

Woody Allen
Art History
Liberal Politics
The Internet (remember it was 1995)
Beer
Self confidence
Matlock (seriously)
Painting
Not to play your music too loud when having a party
Serious Poetry (even if it was bad, I was serious about it)
the Beatles
Beer tastes pretty much the same after eight beers
Mistrust of authority
My first love (yes, a person if you are wondering)
Thai and Chinese food
Totino's frozen pizzas gets progressively worse with each pizza bought
Women were more confusing than I had imagined
Personal and profound loss
Learning could be challenging and fun
That I was okay with who I was

Letting Go

I had these big ideas for this post but instead just keep rambling. Considering this post is all about letting go, I decided just to post what I got. :)


I was coming home from work the other day and I read a church sign that simply stated, "God is in Control". At first I imagined a mad man reacting in total defiance of the sign and slamming his car into the car next to him. Yeah, that's my first thought.

Beyond this transitory insane thought, I began to ponder the whole idea of giving up control and gaining something else far more satisfying back. It seems at the bottom of every belief system (or for that matter some non-belief systems) the first step is to give up control of your life.

"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it." - Jesus as quoted in Luke 17:33


The whole idea of control stands firmly in the way of a walking a spiritual path because giving up control means giving up your own pride. It means admitting that you don't know what's best for you. It means letting something (or someone) else determine your ultimate fate.

 I figured it was time for a cheesy, inspirational photo symbolizing all of our spiritual paths. Often I find symbols to be too idealistic, causing myself to wonder if I am even on a spiritual journey at all. So, if you find yourself looking at the above photo and wondering if you are "spiritual" or not, the answer is to stop over-thinking it and just enjoy the photo.  

I'm the first person to admit the dangers of reading too far into our past history. Then again, to not give meaning to the past, means we can't even understand our own narratives. So, with significant doubt (and wonder) I can look back at my life and begin to see I was in denial of how much control I even had at the time. I can look back and see what some would call fate, luck, or I would call God's fingerprints all over my past.

I can firmly say my wife Kathryn and I feel we have been led to this time and this place in our lives. As we travel the road of adoption together, we feel like we have had our hearts opened and this is where God had been leading us all along. We let go of a lot of fears and doubts and (so far) have gained much in the process.

Strangely enough though, it doesn't feel like an end point. I don't mean necessarily we are done adopting (that's an open door) but we feel like we have open hearts for what God wants us to do. We don't have any firm ideas right now as we are (well, for lack of a better word) entrenched in our adoption process. We are open to any number of scary, exciting, crazy paths for our lives to become. This doesn't mean anything will happen soon or even that it has to wind up me leaving my job. I am just trying to let go of dictating my own future.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

So in this intermission of sorts (although, it doesn't feel like any kind of intermission I know about) I want to just wait and listen.  I want to ask God for where he wants us to serve. It's a crazy idea really. Letting go of my dream job, financial security and family expectations. Letting go of the comfortable "good life" and embracing the unknown. Letting go may not be easy, but it will sure keeps you on your toes.

The Earthly Self vs. The Eternal Self

The concept of eternity is hard to imagine. After all, nothing lasts forever.

Change seems to be the singular, consistent force in the world. Our life spans reflect the natural, seasonal change that surrounds us all. We even thrive within change. Our hopes and dreams are shaped by the ticking of the clock.

A Christian's ultimate goal is usually stated as "heaven". Paul believed life was best lived focused on the afterlife.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - Paul in 2nd Corinthians 4 


Traditionally, Christianity has not emphasized the transitory nature of life, but focused on the eternal resting place of our souls. It is understood our time on earth will only represent a fraction of a second compared to our eternal existence.

Courtesy of Google when I searched "heaven". Just tickled this exists. Amazing.

Eternal life, heaven, whatever you want to call it, is a warm and appealing idea. Surely, everlasting life is humanity's greatest wish fulfillment. To step outside of time and become reunited with all our dead loved ones is the greatest hope one could possibly imagine. It makes this earthly suffering tolerable.

No doubt there are positive aspects in helping people realize the eternal. In doing so, some turn to view themselves as part of a larger plan or seek spiritual answers within their lives. However, many have posited that Christianity has overemphasized the afterlife to the determent of our lives on earth.

"The Christian religion and morality extols the glory of the Hereafter, and therefore remains indifferent to the horrors of the earth. Indeed, the idea of self-denial and of all that makes for pain and sorrow is its test of human worth, its passport to the entry into heaven." - Emma Goldman


The quote bites because, in too many cases it has been the true.

A few years ago I was surfing the channels and came upon Dr. Jack Van-Impe's stupefying television program (this is a one-stop show for laughs, Bible cherry-picking and fear-mongering). In this particular show, Van-Impe claimed that not only was global warming a hoax perpetrated by Al Gore, but that we could take comfort that even if it was real, "Jesus would be back soon" and it didn't really matter.

Just dawned on me that he goes by "Dr." Totally great way of getting some cheap creditability (speaking of creditability, posting ridiculous or bad photos of them is a cheap way to discredit someone.....but it's too fun not to). 

I'm not claiming most Christians think this way, just that it was an extreme example of focusing on the afterlife, rather than focusing on life here on earth.

Focusing on heaven narrows one's focus in our spiritual vision. If Christianity is reduced to just a personal relationship with Jesus and my personal salvation - how do others fit into the picture? Is it okay for the church to focus on eternal salvation while the rest of the world rots in a worldly hell?

"What, in fact, is the Absurd Man? He who, without negating it, does nothing for the eternal. Assured of his temporally limited freedom, of his revolt devoid of future, and of his mortal consciousness, he lives out his adventure within the span of his lifetime..." - Albert Camus


I don't mean to say Christians should agree with all of the above quote. Nor should we ever stop talking about the afterlife - it's just we shouldn't miss Camus' point.  The church needs to do a better job by focusing on our impermanence rather than the eternal soul. Our pastor recently said something that I have felt for a long time, "My goal isn't to get into heaven - but to be like Jesus". It's about being, not obtaining. Life is about the process not the end goal.

If we are focused on being like Jesus then people will be forced to notice. By focusing on the impermanence of life, we might actually increase the "harvest" of the eternal.

Coming and Going

I suppose I have been going with the flow a little too much as it's been over a month and I haven't blogged a bit.

I worked a bit on some blog entries but have found myself more interested in reading than writing lately.

Blogs Coming at Some Point in the Future (and their current status)

Title: The Earthly Self vs. The Eternal Self 
Status:  This one is an ambitious one so it's taking a bit of time...about 30-40% finished.

Title: The Christian and the Nation
Status: Wrote an introduction. That's it. I want to write it, just have to see if I get inspired.

Title: Untitled (on Weezer's amazing album, Pinkerton)
Status: Wrote a paragraph, didn't save it as I was unhappy with it.  About 60% sure it will happen.

Title: The Smell of Laundry or the Joys of Being an Adult
Status: Half written in my head during a recent walk outside. I may have written a sentence but stopped...pretty sure this one will get done and since it's easy it will probably happen sooner rather than later.

Title: Art Post #3
Status: Just have to stop being lazy and take a photo of a drawing I did last year. Look, it was last year but it's REALLY cool. It's a copy of from one of my favorite childhood books about trolls. (yes, trolls, I said).

Ok, this was helpful, two of these are easy...so my goal is to finish at least one of these before the month ends. I gotta watch Steve Browne...goodnight

Wu Wei: The Art of Doing Nothing or How to Change the World Without Really Trying

Some people might call me lazy.

I often go with the flow or wait for things to happen. If I have a big problem or project I like to let ideas drift back to my mind for awhile before I make a decision (I call this "marinating"). This is often a trait that is unappreciated.

It turns out I was practicing "Wu Wei" my whole, lazy life.

Wu Wei is one of the central tenets of Daoism. Daoism is the ancient traditional philosophy/religion/wisdom from China that places emphasis on non-action rather than action - on our ability not to force something but to act "within opportunity". Wu Wei is literally translated as "non-action" or "without action".

The concept asks us to stop trying so hard and to be patient. We can't fight fire with fire, so stop trying already! In class I often use the example of "fighting" a cork to stay under water. Of course, when I first had the idea to actually demonstrate this in class, I didn't have a cork, only a rubber toy (and since that's going with the flow, that's how I roll).

Here I must quote from the classic, "The Tao of Pooh" to illustrate the point;

"The harder you hit (the cork) the more it yields; the more it yields, the harder it bounces back. Without expending energy, the cork can easily wear you out. So, Wu Wei overcomes force by neutralizing its power, rather than by adding to the conflict. With other approaches, you may fight fire with fire, but with Wu Wei , you fight fire with water".

There is a reason it's a classic. So, do yourself a favor and go read it.

My other favorite example of Wu Wei is Tim Duncan.

 Spent four mintues looking for a Wu Wei Tim photo and figured that was not "going with the flow"

 so I just gave up and clicked on a random one.

I've never seen a more patient or possibly unselfish player. The guy never cared about stats (at least his game never showed the usual flashes of selfishness displayed by many of the great ones). If Timmy was posting on the block he would wait to see what the defense would give him before taking action. If he had a weak player defending him, he would bully in. Stronger or athletic defender he might take a jump shot or try to draw a foul. If he had a double (or in his peak a quick triple) team, he would pass out and trust his teammates to knock down the open shot. Just recently Tim had an opportunity to complete a triple-double, as he was one assist short when he re-entered the game.  His quote after the game reveals a true wu wei attitude;   “I wasn’t trying to get it, it was just the flow of the game and the plays being called.”


It shouldn't have been a surprise that Tim and the Spurs have been called boring because they didn't force their offense or defense. They didn't overpower or overwhelm, they just reacted accordingly to their opponent's strategy and/or players.

Wu Wei is hard for many Americans to "get". We are taught to be "go-getters" and to "make a name for ourselves". We are told to create are our opportunities. Our dreams lay just beyond our reach, only waiting for us to get to work achieving them.

These myths often work against our very self-interest that they seem to be promoting. We take a career path or the first job offered because it's a good salary and we're trying to make something happen. Later, we find ourselves miserable because the career or job isn't a good fit for our personality. We force ourselves into relationships because it's what we're "supposed to do" and later find out we're highly incompatible with our mate.

One of my favorite quotes from the Dao De Jing shows that working for ourselves just leads to ruin:

"There is no greater mistake than following desire; There is no greater disaster than forgetting contentment; There is no greater sickness than seeking attainment; But one who is content to satisfy his needs, Finds that contentment endures."

So, if we can't trust ourselves to find happiness - who or what do we trust in to find happiness, purpose and meaning into our lives?

That will all be explained in part two.....if I feel like it.

sad day

9 years ago on a Friday night I almost died.  I was driving north of Brady, Texas at dusk (otherwise known as the middle of nowhere).  I veered my truck in a lame attempt to dodge 2-3 deer who wanted to cross the road.  I not only managed to hit one of the deer but fliped my truck at least 4-5 times.

My left arm was bleeding pretty bad and I knew I was starting to experience shock.  As my vision faded in and out, the thing I remember most was just wanting to live.  There was no baragining with God or reflecting on how I had lived life - no pain, no fear - just a desire to live.

Eventually, I had to be cut out of the truck and had to be taken to the hospital.  I had a fractured wrist, 2nd-3rd degree "road rash" burns on my left arm and hand and had over 40 stitches.  I was blessed to make it out so nicely.  I was happy to be alive and trying to figure out what it all "meant".

I was a full-time graduate student and a part time substitute teacher so I didn't have to go to work and had no plans to work for at least a week. Having experienced my own existential crisis on Friday made Tuesday all the more real and emotional.

Tuesday morning, my mom woke me up (I was living with my parents) to tell me a plane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers. This was still very early so the media was still trying to figure out if it was an accident.  Like everyone else, the rest of the day had me glued to the television like no other time before or since.

I had a class that night and reluctantly left home. As I drove to school I realized that we would probably bomb someone for this. I had already realized that's just what the murderers probably wanted. It was a test they knew we would fail.

Tonight I think back with regret and sadness for that day. I think back with a heavy heart to the toll that 9/11 took on the world.  Not only in its impact that day but for the foreign policy nightmare that started the very next day.

9 years later and hundreds of thousands more dead, we've seen more blood, violence and tears than we could have imagined at the time. Now we're saddled with the never-ending political football called "The War on Terror".

It's enough to make you cry all over again.

Poem Post: Elephant

I wrote this poem back in 2004 or 2005. I don't remember what inspired it or how it came about. At the time I was experimenting with fonts and other use of non-lettered keys within my poems.  I have always been fascinated by elephants, so somehow, this all came together. and yes, all the facts about elephants are true.

Elephant

/last night i fell asleep/
\in the middle of a prayer\

elephants often visit the
graveyard of their own dead 

/this morning when i awoke/
\i felt numb and cold\

the elephant brain weighs 4 times
more than the human brain.

/a motorcade passed me today/
\it was the funeral variety\

i wonder if elephants
really ever forget

/i never remember the past/
\i hate myself for this\

Art Post # 2: I Like Stars

When I was a kid, I loved a book called The Friendly Book.  The text is awful - it's by Margaret Wise Brown, author of Goodnight Moon, which is wildly over-rated...(I do love the line "Good Night Mush" though).

Seriously, the cover just does not do it justice folks.  The whole book is just animals...there are no humans so it's quite a puzzling cover choice.

However, the artwork is amazing.  Many of her books were illustrated by Garth Williams.  Besides Williams' amazing work for young children,  he also illustrated some of my later childhood favorites, Stuart Little and Charlotte's Web.  Anyway, I found my old copy of The Friendly Book not too long ago at my parent's house and, well, stole it.

I was determined to paint something from this book and settled on probably my favorite page:

Image courtesy from Vintage Kids' Books My Kids Love

This was on the page with the poem, "I Like Stars". The facing page has more stars and a little village below. It's really quite beautiful and idyllic.  I started working on it last winter and sketched and inked the balloon and the rabbit. Then I stopped for one reason or another.  A few weeks later, I painted it but I felt stuck as I couldn't mix the right color for the background.  Then I was paralyzed by the thought of trying to paint around the balloon (and make it look nice) so I just stopped and worked on other projects. 

Finally, with our silent auction coming up (and I am offering my own amateur skills up for the highest bidder) I decided to finish it up for my portfolio, even if I couldn't do it justice.  It came out better than I expected although I'm not super happy with it.  I think I'll like it better in six months....without further adieu, I Like Stars.

I Like Stars (2010)

I Like Stars (detail)

The Six Stages of Accepting The Wiggles

We own three Wiggle DVD's and one Wiggle book. This is enough to claim your very being as far as I am concerned.


My four-year-old (who was introduced to the Wiggles when she was two) loves them, my one-year-old is obsessed with them (they are known as "Bow-Wow" with the one-year-old because of the first song on her favorite DVD).

Okay, so it's not my dream job, but damn it would be fun to be stupid all day.

When I mean obsessed - I mean it. E (our one-year-old) asks for Bow-Wow on the "TD" ALL DAY LONG.

I have moved through this challenge in my life in the various stages of grief.


Denial - at first, I didn't think they could harm me. I planned on avoiding the Wiggles forever. Until my sister GAVE US the DVD's. I thought, "You know this really isn't necessary". Next thing you know, I was desperate - it was Saturday morning before anything started on TV (we don't have cable) so we popped it in. I tried to pretend it would be a one-time event and C wouldn't like it....it didn't work out that way.


Anger - I hated it all. I hated the songs, the dances, the members of the Wiggles, in particular I really hated Dorothy, the Dinosaur as her costume looked stupid (the teeth, the hat and her voice).


Bargaining - It begins to seep into your routine..."Okay, okay, we can put it in - only for ten minutes" or "It won't hurt, I can crash on couch or check my email while she listens to a few songs".


Depression - "This sucks, this really sucks, these damn songs are stuck in my head now"


Acceptance - Kids are fussing and/or driving me crazy...I start to smile and dance, "Anybody want to see the WIGGLES?!?!" You leave it on for awhile, even if the kids have moved on to toys.



Happiness - I critique their performances, even catch myself watching it as the my kids are playing with their toys. Half my day is spent with Wiggles songs in my head. I sometimes prance around to the songs with the kids. It doesn't feel right if the day ends with no "Bow Wow". Now, it doesn't bother me at all. I enjoy it.

God, help me, I enjoy the Wiggles.

Missing the Point on Church

I was talking on the phone with my dad tonight. He was telling me about the youth minister at his church being "too liberal". I asked for an example and he said he was a "tree-hugger". He said something about how it's okay, they still like him, etc, etc.

Worse still, I'm not raising a tree hugger but a tree kisser!

I said, "If you go to a church that just tells you everything you want to hear, you're probably going to the wrong church.". My parents (who were on speaker phone) both laughed. They didn't get it.  I was a little puzzled for a second, as I thought this was an honest and agreeable position any Christian should have.

My dad said something about how sometimes people have "agendas" (at this point I should have mentioned to him that well, that's the whole point of a sermon, but I didn't).

I go to a church that I hate to admit, is conservative. It is a challenge - I sometimes feel like I'm trying to run under-water. I'm trying to move fast but seemingly not making any real progress.  I would rather work to change things then just attend a church that will make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

There are limits to this mindset.  At some point, you have to draw a line in the sand. There might be a day when enough is enough and a change is needed.  

Anyway, my point isn't that we have to attend churches that we disagree with the theology or the pastor's political positions. It's just that sermons shouldn't be about being comfortable or preaching to appeal to most people (I'm looking at you, Joel Osteen). Rather, preaching the gospel shouldn't be an "easy" sell at all. It's about challenging your fellow sisters and brothers to take up the cross and bomb Iran (oops that was a little Hagee slip). I meant taking up the cross and living a sacrificial and servant life. 

God may be Love, but take it from Hagee, Fear and Sensationalism Sell!

I'm tired of the complacency of Christianity here in the good ol' US of A. I know all religions are just reflections of their society and culture but we need constant reminders to be people of action and not just people of faith.

Finding Nirvana: Part II

Indirectly, my love of Nirvana got started with my "subscription" to Columbia House CD Club and a little laughing gas.

Columbia House was a pain - I always wanted to cancel but I was too lazy to do it. I always meant to send in the little card that said, "I do NOT want this month's album" but often forgot (I can't complain too much as I discovered Elvis Costello as well). One of those forgotten months included the Nirvana Unplugged album. I liked it but wasn't overly impressed. Slowly but surely, it weaseled its way into my rotation. It really took it's place in the pantheon when I was having my wisdom teeth pulled my sophomore year in college.  My dentist suggested that I bring headphones, so I brought Unplugged with me, envisioning the flowers and candles from the performance.  Let's just say it hurt later on, but it was a trip. I must say the album and I bonded over the experience.

It's weird thinking this performance may be their best overall album. Unlike other Nirvana albums you can just pop this baby in at any time of year or personal mood, and it's just fine.  In terms of introducing a non-Nirvana fan, it's the best one.  They are in fine form and it sounds like they are having fun.   It's also the best album to listen to if you're getting your wisdom teeth pulled, too.

At that point I had two Nirvana albums - Nevermind and Unplugged.  This was a standard requirement for any rock fan in the 90's. However, I would soon find myself obsessed with the entire Nirvana catalog.

At first, I fell in love with Cobain's hooks. Nevermind has them all over the place and it's polished sound was just enough for me to open up to real punk music. The album is melodic and at times, even pretty. Nevermind certainly has the most "singing" than any other Nirvana album. I loved the melodies on In Bloom, On a Plain, and Something in the Way. Given the material that went unrecorded (Old Age, Verse Chorus Verse and Sappy) I can envision an album even better along those standards. The production is a little over the top for me today (too glossy/shiny) but like I said, I needed that at the time and ultimately, the production still works for what the album is.  Finally, I loved the thick, layered guitars (and at times vocals) - the album has a nice vibe or feeling the whole album through.

But it was more than the production or hooks from Nevermind that got me to fall in love with Nirvana. I also started to view the world with little more cynicism than before. I was starting to question my fundamental assumptions about the way things worked. Additionally, I was alienated with the social scene at UTSA - it was a like a replay of high school but now I wasn't trying to fit in - I just despised it all. I wasn't quite as misanthropic as Cobain was but I felt a genuine malaise and mistrust about the world.

I've heard sub-par live Nirvana performances, but the dude put his heart in most of the time.

It might sound odd (to those who know me) but Kurt and I had lots of things in common. He liked poetry, drew in his journal and hated jocks. He liked abstract art and wrote abstract, post-modern lyrics. He was sensitive, angry and impulsive - a romantic in the classical sense. These were traits and characteristics I admired. I could channel that inner-punk now that I understood the world was a pretty messed up place. I could scream along with Kurt in the car and it could make me feel just a little bit better.

Poppies, broken dolls and aliens...yup, it's a Cobain.

In quick succession I had picked up In Utreo, Incesticide and Bleach (in that order, mind you). I read Come As You Are: The Story of Nirvana (still required reading for any Nirvana fan). I scoured independent music stores for Nirvana bootlegs featuring rare live stuff and unheard demos. I was a poor college student plucking down 30 bucks for Nirvana bootlegs. In a matter of months I was a walking Nirvana encyclopedia.

Nirvana had an authentic sincerity that seared itself into my art ethos. I didn't jump onto the punk bandwagon (always was a melodic junkie) but the Nirvana attitude informed my opinion about the music and art scene. One of the reasons Kurt was so down on himself was that he didn't think he was living up to his ideals or living up to what an "artist" should be accomplishing at his age (both of his assumptions were flat out wrong).

Nirvana and Kurt spoke to me like no other band.  Like most people, I've mellowed with age. For awhile, I just flat out stopping listening to the music.  However, in the past few months I started listening to the Nirvana catalog again (stemming from jamming out to a Weezer concert on YouTube, in which they just covered Bleach-era Nirvana songs in a 1998 concert). I have a new found love for the band, like finding an old comfortable, forgotten t-shirt under your bed. I still can embrace the emotion and power behind it all. I still love the abstract and obtuse lyrics. I love the sound of In Utreo - the weirdness of Incesticide, the catchy Nevermind. Damn, I love this band.

Finding Nirvana: Part 1

There are some things you either get; or you don't.

Maybe Nirvana is just one of those "you had to be there" generation-type things. On paper they don't seem like much more than a glorified, over-rated punk band. I understand that point of view and even admit on a purely aesthetic level, it's got some truth behind it.

On the other hand, St. Kurt and the boys deserve all the praise they get. I still love them, and on occasion, I don my vintage 90's Nirvana t-shirts (much to the chagrin of my wife).

I am positive Kurt would be pissed off about 99% of what has happened to his estate, catalog, and most of all the business stuff related to his music (moral of the story: be careful who you marry).

I didn't always get Nirvana. I was a latecomer to the whole idea of having musical opinions that were my own. Early in childhood and well into college, I consciously (and at times subconsciously) adopted attitudes and opinions that were the opposite of what I considered to be "conformist" or "cool". As you might have guessed this philosophy in life was met with abject failure. Yeah, it's cold comfort to know that at least I was on the right track.

One of my earliest memories of music listening was when I was about 7 years old. I tuned into the "Classical Music" station and began to listen to it on daily basis. I remember deriving pleasure out of planning to become a nerd. I actually remember thinking this. I don't think the experiment was carried out for more than a week or two, as I remember getting bored pretty quickly.

In middle school, I pretty much followed the crowd, but wasn't a big music listener. I taped parts of "Nevermind" from a friend but also taped the entirety of "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em". By my sophomore year in high school, I had turned to the dark side of music....(cue the dramatic, evil music)....country music. It's hard to believe it, but I received John Michael Montgomery's debut album for Christmas one year.

Remember those Taco Bell commercials? That was weird.

That same year (1993) I remember having numerous arguments with this kid in my sophomore English class about how Nirvana and grunge music was "negative" and stupid. I was a straight-laced, know-it-all dork in high school. Please don't be confused, I wasn't the type of nerd who embraces his/her inner nerd-dom. I was in denial of it. I had friends, but not that many. I wasn't socially awkward, but I wasn't invited to the cool parties. I collected comics but I would have never admitted to it. That same year, none of my friends had the same lunch hour, so after picking up a quick bite to eat, I would roam the halls at school rather than sit by myself. Remember, I was in denial of this so I told no one.

Moment of Silence for the sad, pathetic sophomore year.

Anyway, the point is, is that I didn't get Nirvana like I could have. I couldn't channel my inner rage because I was in denial that anything was wrong.

By my senior year (with a little peer pressure from my friends) I was opening up to rock music and become a devotee at the altar of the pop-punk deity of Green Day and later, Weezer. They served as my guiding lights out of the darkness (honorable mention goes to Stone Temple Pilots' excellent album Purple).

Only as I entered college was I was finally ready to embrace my inner-punk.

Go on to Part 2

Poem Post: Stinging Worms

This poem was written for my sister - we had these damn stinging, spiky caterpillars (we called them "stinging worms")  that would be all over creation at our childhood home. We were terrified of them, but were always barefoot. Enjoy.


Stinging Worms
Every spring when it was warm enough to play bare foot,
the stinging worms would surround our house.
One day you stepped on one and screamed bloody murder.
I watched in horror, but I knew the next day we would go outside
throwing caution to the wind, barefoot and free.

time flies or something like that

Wow. I just discovered I hadn't posted in quite awhile.

Been busy with a big birthday project for the wife that has pretty much consumed my off-duty time (a photo book).

I did have a new idea for a Nirvana blog (the band, not moksha) and many of the items listed below are still alive and kicking. 

Otherwise, I can report I've had several strange dreams this month (a midget forcing herself on me romantically, cannibalism (please don't ask), and a deer stepping on my face). I think I've been waking more at night (mainly because of the kids) and unable to fall asleep right away. Last night I was social worker in my dream, which was pretty boring.

Other news....reading Borg's Meeting Jesus Again For the First Time. Have to say, I love it so far and highly recommend it.  Also managed to read the Marvel Essential Volume on the Marvel Two-In-One (Vol. 2)  this included some great stuff but also some run-of-the-mill stuff that was pretty blah.

I'll start working on a new post soon, but now I am working on two separate projects - one to re-organize and consolidate our photos (so I can clearly back it up on a minimum of disks) and (next month) start digitizing some VHS to DVD.

Boring, time-consuming stuff. Such is life....until next time, America.

i was flipping the channels the other day and noticed this show is still on. this is still be produced and apparently making money...only in America. all things considered, "until next time America" is a terrific sign-off.

  

Spiritual Masters; or The Dao of Yoda, Jesus and Buddha

The converging and diverging aspects of world religions fascinate me. I imagine when it's all said and done, I'll have quite few posts centered on comparing and contrasting aspects of the many belief systems. With this post I wanted to explore the idea of a spiritual master. The idea of a spiritual master (better known as a guru) is a Hindu, or more broadly, an Eastern concept. While those in the west might not be familiar with the terms, I believe we are more comfortable with the concept than we think. All spiritual masters have much to offer the world and use a familiar pedagogy.

A guru acts as a conduit to the divine for his followers and are thought to literally exude divine energy. Many believers claim they are overcome with feelings of love or peace just in the presence of these spiritual masters. Because of this fact many Hindu guru's are pampered and treated seemingly god-like. From the outside looking in, it might look like a cult of personality. I've witnessed the pedestal treatment personally and it made me feel, well, icky.

The whole washing feet with the hair - kinda "icky" am I right?

Jesus and Buddha were recognized as spiritual masters in their own life times and even after their deaths.  Their followers still seek their wisdom and guidance.

In contrast with the concept of seeking help from a spiritual master is America's emphasis on the individual. We believe humans don't need a "conduit" to the divine. Our belief systems tend to be egalitarian. We like to think, "You're no closer to God than I am". I am intrigued by the idea of spiritual masters because they challenge the idea that we can figure it out intuitively on our own.

Recently when thinking about spiritual masters, my mind instantly thought of one of America's most influential spiritual figures, Yoda.

The iconic image. 

This post will ignore any possible existence of a Yoda after 1985. I will be in denial for the rest of my life.

I don't think it was a simple coincidence that I was baptized after a sermon that used clips from The Empire Strikes Back with scenes that featured Yoda. George Lucas was well versed in Joseph Campbell and Eastern religion traditions...but Yoda transcends his creator's interests.  Yoda (at least pre-prequels) influenced a whole generation with his wisdom.

Using Jesus and Buddha as contrasts; I want to show that Yoda exhibits all the qualities of a successful guru. I don't mean to say that all their messages are the same (because they aren't). I want to show that their teachings share a commonality in their pedagogy and approach.

Spiritual Masters Clarify and Simplify

I think our natural tendency is to complicate things - we build up rules, regulations, rituals, traditions, definitions, etc. We create a theology that helps us "box in" the divine. In a positive sense, these constructs help us understand and think through the idea of "god" but on the other hand they also limit our understanding about what "god" is. Gurus do the opposite - they help illustrate eternal truths.

Buddha: " Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal"

Jesus: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Yoda: "You must unlearn what you have learned...there is no try; do or do not"

This is just the kinda of depiction Buddha would hate; but it's the INTERWEBZ, so the heck with it.... 

Spiritual Masters Believe the Power of the Ultimate is Accessible

Being "spiritual" is difficult for me. I was raised with the idea that God was "up in heaven". While I might have sung a song about God "living" in my heart - I definitely felt separate from the divine. Spiritual Masters reveal that the Ultimate reality is accessible for all - anywhere. Guru's realize the first step in your journey isn't to become educated, initiated or even holy - the first step is to be aware that right here, right now it is possible to recognize and participate in the truth.

Buddha: "Therefore....be lamps unto yourselves. Rely on yourselves, and do not rely on external help".

Jesus: "Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you."

Yoda: "(The Force's) energy surrounds us and binds us....You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes...."

Spiritual Masters Teach Non-Retaliation and Non-Aggression

Alright, so I said I was focused on pedagogy - I changed my mind mid-stream...so sue me. This theme happens to resonate with me. In the last 3-4 years I began to try to approach life with a peaceful, non-violent attitude. I find this supremely ironic because as a child I was the first to respond or  retaliate.I relished my revenge fantasies and even hatched successful revenge plots.  I was known in my circle of friends as a "hot-head" and have a list of stories about my lack of non-aggression. Thankfully, time, study and my spiritual life has helped mellow me.  This was the journey I had to take.  All spiritual teachers worthy of any study must address conflict in this manner. I'm sure I'll have more to post on this subject someday.

Buddha: "All tremble at violence. All fear death. Seeing one's self in others, one should neither strike nor cause to strike."

Jesus: "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles..."

Yoda: "...Beware...Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny."

Personally, I gotta go with the North Koreans; they sure have it coming...

Coming Attractions

Before I finish my final thoughts for "One Week As a Muslim" I wanted to do a little brainstorming for the blog.

Way Cool Cliche Blog Image

Really on the Back Burner (somewhat completed or conceptal ideas floating around)

Pondering Pac-Man (this is an existential comic strip I have going but I don't have a scanner, so it will have to wait until I figure out how to best post it, yes, it "stars" Pac-Man and the whole gang)

Daoism: Wu Wei Concept

Experiments in Living, Part II (ideas involve mediation or fasting, maybe something else)

Spiritual Masters (currently abandonded but slowly thinking about it)

The Four Stages of Accepting the Wiggles (really - denial, anger, acceptance, happiness)

An untitled essay, part autobiographical- part philosophical on comic books

and finally, more recycled poetry from my past (it's too easy)

Ideas (just that, vague ideas)
Our cat, Rollo
Joel Osteen
The Beauty that is Costco

Things I'll Never Write About
Rhinos
Rainy Saturday Afternoons
American Idol
Glue and its relationship to Horses
Asparagus
Ghost hunting and Ghost "busting"

One Week As A Muslim: Days 6 & 7

I finished up my week as a Muslim and I gotta say the ending of this experiment was a unmitigated disaster.

I would love to give you the blow by blow - but we spent the weekend in a whirlwind of cleaning and doing other stuff required by Father's Day activities that would make your little head spin. The truth is I can barely remember last Thursday, let alone Friday-Saturday (Sunday is actually pretty clear).

It ended with a few prayers on day six and zero, count 'em ZERO on day seven. Technically, it shouldn't even count. I suppose I didn't eat pork on Sunday.

If you consider the thinking, the writing, the planning, and the guilt it feels like I've been meditating on being a Muslim for freakin' month.

List of Things I Learned in one week as a Muslim

Pork is everywhere and more tempting than you might think.

It's hard to get up before 5:00 in the morning, and I consider myself kinda of a morning person

Kids screaming during prayers - makes it difficult to think.

When praying on the floor, check for ants or other bugs that bite.

Being a secret Muslim requires patience and good planning.


Seriously, when I get a little more time I want to write a little more reflective piece on my experiences.

So, I leave thee with bated breath, waiting upon my pontifications of wisdom and charm.

One Week as A Muslim: Days 4 & 5

Days 4 and 5 have come and (almost gone).

I just have to admit it, I am not good at this.

I started off by missing my morning prayer on day four. It's been such a long and eventful two days, that I've even forgotten how that happened. I prayed at work my Dhuhr prayer (around 1:35) and was stung by ants crawling on the floor (the fiends!). I got home right at 5:00 and purposely did not pray because it was 5:00 and my daughters wanted to play and I had to prepare dinner and get them in bed by myself. I was back at for the last two prayers of the day.

Today, I AGAIN missed the morning prayer. This time the cat woke me up at 4:10 - I had to throw her in the garage and I thought, "just as I fall asleep my alarm is going to go off; what am I doing anyway?; I'm not really Muslim...I can make the prayer up at work". Just like that I shut off the alarm...

To my credit, I didn't fall asleep until after 4:40 (yeah, I keep track of stuff like that) and I did do my morning prayer at work. Even still, it felt like I was cheating.

I missed the afternoon prayer this time because I was CRAZY busy helping with registration. I felt guilty leaving my post...that's the simple truth. I should have but this time I thought, "It's not like I have any readers anyway". Um-huh, my internal voice actually said that. But I avoided the pepperoni pizza (boy, was I tempted - absentmindedly, I even had placed it on my plate...but replaced it with a dried up cheese slice).

But I haven't missed a prayer since (the house was briefly empty when I got home) I have to pray again shortly, but plan on doing so.

Look, maybe it's a little presumptuous but today I came up with a much better schedule for prayer (forgive me Allah)

Morning: Whenever you wake up
Mid-Morning: 10:25 (if you wake up after this point, you can make it up later in the day)
Afternoon: 2:25
((Mid-Afternoon Make-up (only if you missed the mid-morning prayer due to a late start): 3:45))
Early Evening: 7:25
Night: Before you go to bed

I like it because it would be spaced out a bit more and it would provide you time to pray at work, when you need it (at least when I need it most!).

Anyway, I'm not changing the game mid-stream just trying to think about what I would have set-up if it was all up to me.

Serious Reflection Time: So, what impact has prayer had on me so far?


It's hard to measure, although I have definitely prayed more than I ever have in my life. At least three times during the day I am making personal prayers to God. I have been focusing on our upcoming adoption and our child's birth mother - but also on our upcoming service project I am organizing.

It's made me even more appreciative than I already was....just reciting, "and my cup overflows" a few times a day is awesome. Reciting really does help you start to believe what you're saying. I thought the prayer might get remote or ritual-like but it has surprisingly stayed fresh. I really try to "feel" what I'm saying.

Never a big fan of even hinting at the "health and wealth" gospel - but I can truly say that this week has led me to realize that I believe "surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life".

Interlude from Joel Osteen: "Ya know it might not have worked for you, but it did for me...check out all this cool, expenisive leopard print stuff.

On the surface it sounds pompous or even arrogant but when I reflect on it; I find it to be true. In a literal sense, I will be a father of three children, I'm married to a wonderful wife and have a wonderful family (in-laws included). Furthermore, I've got some great friends, our church family is great and I love my job. I believe that even when these variables change....I will still be surrounded by love. Furthermore, I will always be journeying with God for the rest of my life. God's love will suffice through all the good and all the hard times to come. In the coming days I write up a little more commentary on these verses I've been reciting....I never thought just simply repeating words would do so much.

Bad Advice From A Dog

My father in-law wore a t-shirt yesterday entitled, "Good Advice from a Dog" - with the usual advice you might think of, like, "Stay loyal", etc. That got me thinking that if dogs could actualy give us advice; most of it would, in fact, be terrible. Without further fanfare....

Bad Advice From A Dog

When meeting someone for the first time, smell their crotch - When hungry, consider your own poop - Freedom is running next to cars as they drive - If the spirit moves you, drag your nasty self all over the floor - If you're owner goes away, and you're nervous, tear shit up - The best form of complimenting a friend is to hump their leg - Tempting smells from the trash need to be investigated - Bite fleas & ticks, take dirt baths frequently - Go ahead, lick your balls

Obligatory "Wacky Dog" Photo for "Wacky" blog post.

Reflective Aside:  When I stop to think about it, it's funny to think that as I have gotten older I have progressively disliked dogs with each passing year for no particular reason I can currently think of. 

One Week As A Muslim: Day 3: Imagining "God"

After the total failure of last week, I was back in the saddle again as a "Muslim".

Once again, I was back up before dawn and found it surprisingly easier than before. I recited my prayer without the print out and was tuned in as if I didn't skip a beat (falling back to sleep is always a little bit of an issue but still not too bad).

While I've gotten better at my recitation - one aspect of the prayer gives me pause. During the prostration you are supposed to "reflect on the glory of God" or something like that. As described elsewhere it this is the nonverbal part of the prayer - the most vague - I have the hardest time with.

If you say the word "God" to most westerner's you usually get 1-2 images that come to mind. One is the classic old man with a beard in a white robe. The other image is the stereotypical image of Jesus. In my case, my image of God comes from the picture printed on the inside of my Bible I had as a child. Ya know the one, he's on the cross, nearly naked, looking like he's in pain - bearded, long hair, etc. When someone says, "God"; that's usually the image that comes to mind.

So at 4:58 in the morning I find myself prostrated trying to reflect on the glory of God...and I got....nothing. Sometimes that picture of Jesus pops into my head. Other times I picture photos from the Hubbell telescope. Otherwise, my mind acts like it does during meditation. Meaning, it's here or there but not really focused (I had a really good meditation session once - but that's a different post for another night).

In Islam, the depiction of God is prohibited. If you visit a mosque or Islamic Center - you'll find relatively bare walls with the only decoration being Arabic calligraphy with verses from the Qur'an. When you Google "Allah" a bunch of images of the word "Allah" come at you.

Example Above: Way too afraid to make a joke.

 Is this what Muslims see in their mind's eye when they hear the word "Allah"?


Also interesting is that images of the word "Allah" can be seen in the darnest places (much like the Virgin Mary) - "Allah" in the clouds, "Allah" in the water and my favorites, "Allah"on a piece of (disputed) fruit;  "Allah" on a cow.

Can't wait to see "Allah" & the Virgin Mary on same pizza someday.

Anyway, back on topic - I think Islam has the right idea. Humans are always trying to make God more recognizable, or familiar. In many ways, this can be a good thing but on the other hand, God can't be and shouldn't be put in a box. While I might believe God's consciousness or form was temporarily in human form - "God" transcends outside the realm of human existence. God is neither male nor female, body nor spirit - God transcends all earthly ideas of life itself - leaving humans with our limited imaginations of what God might be.

So, I'll be working on what to say, think or imagine in the coming days....in the end, I'd like to think God believes it's the thought that counts.

Guilt and Loathing in The Lost Weekend As a Muslim

The whirlwind of days 3-6 are just about over (two hours and counting) and my "Muslim" faith didn't survive.

I have a truckload of excuses. We were getting ready for our massive garage sale fundraiser all day and all-night Friday (and believe me the work required was massive). I was literally doing something all day Friday-Sunday. There were no breaks and I managed 4 hours sleep on Friday.

I could chalk it up to bad timing....but really, the truth is, I've failed.

weird, huh? that's kinda how i felt though.

I haven't had one prayer since early Thursday evening or early Friday (I can't even remember it feels like years ago). When I wasn't busy - I could start to feel the guilt setting in. I've heard of Catholic guilt but I gotta say, Muslim guilt could be pretty bad. I could Google it, but I'm too tired. If I had readers, maybe they could look it up for me.

SERIOUS SIDENOTE: how do these bloggers do it?  I mean seriously?!!??

Saturday was the crescendo of it all. I was physically beat and I actually felt almost all of my near 33 years (on a daily level I feel between 27-29 and a half years).

I feel asleep on the couch reading right after I tucked our oldest in at about 9:00. I knew I wasn't waking up at 4:50 in the morning. I was already been deflated and defeated.

Sunday came and church and lawn work followed (as we were having people over and the back yard looked like a jungle)....anyway, today I went to work and faced the first day of registration on my feet for most of day.

I just keep thinking, "I can't believe I gave up on all this after TWO measly days". two - days and I was toast.

So, I am restarting this experiment tomorrow morning. It was definitely a rough patch. I could give up and call it a day...after all, this is a "fragment" blog. So, I am restarting day three tomorrow and submitted all over again (takes a deep breath).