obligatory fragments

Here is my obligatory fragment post as I haven't posted in a month.


Working on a post about the end of my youth, aging and LOS SPURS ('bout halfway done). It's tentatively titled The Last Title Run of My Youth.

Working my tail off this summer at school including Maymester. That means NO break for me (sadness).

I might be going to a movie with a friend this weekend. This is notable as I rarely watch movies and even less than that, I don't actually go to the movies except 1-2 times a year. Although I saw Kumare in the spring and that was interesting. I suggest you check it out if you interested in the idea of starting your own fake religion as it's a documentary on just that!

Since the Spurs playoff run I have been disconnected from being a news junkie and I am just a NBA/Spurs junkie....I can see how this kind of thing could eat your life if you were into it year round. No clue about what's going on in the world for the first time in a long time....



The Spurs' cheerleader Patty Mills giving Timmy some awesome new form of congratulations

 

 

I hate facebook. The complainers, the braggers, the posting pictures of how perfect they are, the posting of Bible verses (it bothers me and I'm a CHRISTIAN), especially the tying of religion and politics, the hatred of people different from  themselves, the passive aggressive posts, and on and on and on. and yet, I'm still on there at least once a day.  Figures.....

Summer is cool no matter the fact that I am working. Working really hard on our study abroad program. Gonna be cool!!! Also, all the sunshine I think makes everyone a little nicer. Or maybe I'm just in a good mood because I am only teaching one class right now.

Gotta run, I am hiding from the fam and my wifey needs me!

Catching up with the Fragments

Haven't posted in over a month - life happens - you know.

A few weeks ago my grandmother died - she was my last grandparent alive. Strangely enough, it was around this time last year when my other grandmother passed. Even though the time of year was similar - the situation was almost exactly its inverse.  You see I had a relationship with my other grandma, but this grandma was a different story altogether.  I didn't cry. I didn't even feel all that sad. I felt bad for my mentally disabled aunt who has never been without her. Other than that, that was it.

My main memories of of grandma growing up was her watching TV - soap operas, country music videos - you know, the CLASSICS. I don't remember really engaging with her all that much at all.  She lived about two hours away but I can count the times she came to visit us (twice, I think). The last few years when we would visit, there she was in her apartment, watching TV, ALL DAY LONG. It felt like she wasn't even living.

Sometime last year I asked her about how she met my grandfather (who died when I was 5) and asked her about how she liked living in D.C. at the time. She quickly told me she didn't like it at all.  As she was born and bred in the country I asked her if it was because the city was too big and busy, etc.  No, she told me, she didn't like it because there were too many black people. At that point, I reminded her that she was about to have a black grandchild. She said she did. She also did not like the home healthcare worker who came by they said she talked too much but when pressed, both my aunt and grandmother said it was because she was black. They also thought she was stealing their toilet paper (this coming from the tandem that clogged their toilet numerous times).

We would suggest taking a walk on a beautiful day - but she only let us take her once. She stayed in-doors like some kind of troll. I should clarify, she didn't look like a troll (at least not anymore than old people generally do) it was as if she didn't want to see the sunlight or be removed from her 'cave'.  Maybe it hurt too much to see what she was missing. It's hard to understand how some people chose to see the world and others. I hope if I am lucky enough to be "old" one day, I want to embrace the journey with openness, love and with a healthy dash of carpe deim.

In other news....

I am in the beginning stages of planning a study abroad next summer to Peru. We already have 5 students who are really excited about it (we have to have 10 signed up for the class). So, it's pretty amazing.  Do I feel guilty that I will be away from the fam for weeks? Yes, almost crushingly so....BUT when I think of it like this it makes me feel better:

It's a childhood dream to visit Machu Picchu.
I am getting paid to go to Peru for FREE (that's like + $6,000 when it's all said and done)
It will be an amazing learning experience for myself and the students

Well, there it is. One of the few places in the world that inspired me as a child (the other magical place was the pyramids at Giza). I remember opening my sixth-grade social studies book and seeing this classic picture. I sat staring that the picture, looking at the ruins, imagining myself walking through the rooms, among the clouds. I thought it was one of the coolest things I had ever seen. Funny how your memories work because when I remember this picture I remember exactly where I sat in the class and where the girl I had a crush on sat in relation to me.

Anyway, it will be instant guilt after the first two days (first 2 days I think I will be too overwhelmed to feel bad about what's happening back home).

Thinking about writing a post about Weezer's red album. It's such a strange album. It's equally amazing and frustrating. Some songs are downright stupid and some moments are actually quite beautiful. It's the most ambitious recording session since the 90's and yet it's completely lacking in thoughtfulness in it's track selection.  In summary, it's the perfect "post-pinkerton" Weezer album.

Obligatory comment about how the semester is almost over. Hooray.

Because my wife works one day a week, that means I pretty much need to be full-time in the summer. Sometimes I wonder what amazing things I could do with a whole summer off (thinking about writing that children's series again) but we just can't have me NOT work for a vanity project that will likely end in failure.  Besides, summer school is great. Better students, it's quiet around the campus and office, less committee work and meetings, etc. and we have Fridays off. Just like most things in life a little bit of sweet with sour. Which also remind me of a post that's been kicking around in my head about Buddhism, Suffering, Vicktor Frankel, Jesus and Vanilla Sky (with a cameo appearance by William Shakespeare himself ladies and gents).

Lastly, almost two months ago I was raking the leaves in the back yard as the sun was setting. The sun's rays hit me, coming through the branches of our old Oak trees and it hit me. A moment of mindfulness and clarity. I was alive. I cursed in my wonderment of my very existence, the size and wonder of the sun and the smallness of my own life, concerns and existence. And then it passed. It's moments like those that make me sure I am actually alive and not dreaming.

See ya next time, kids!

Fragnaught

It’s Spring Break. Yay.

Spending time with the fam, working in the yard like crazy and we’re having two birthday parties for the kiddies (one on the first Saturday and another this Saturday). Yeah, we’re crazy.

Our oldest turned 7 and the little one turned 1. Couldn’t be more proud of the people they are becoming.  Being a parent is such hard work but so rewarding. 

Getting old isn’t all that bad but the local oldies station sucks now. In high school and college (90’s brothers and sisters) they played 60’s with a few early 70’s classics. It was my go-to station for some nice background music. Now, it’s basically crappy 70s’ pop with even (shudder) disco.  I think a few 80’s have been snuck in there. The "classic rock" station now routinely plays 80's rock and I think 90's stuff like Guns N' Roses or crappy white people rock. I wonder if the older people are handling this as badly as I am.  Can't wait for another 20 years to get here so I can hear Nirvana on the oldies station.

READER ALERT. I found out I have one! Yes, one.  A friend of mine texted me that he liked a post on the blog. I had no idea he knew I had a blog. It was really funny. I guess I should start to be careful what I write about.

The middle child was rocking out to disc 2 of Weezer’s Blue Album deluxe for the last week during quiet time.  LOVE IT.

Youtube is so awesome. Full albums to jam to at work and full movies at night.  Also, I have been rocking to Slacker radio at home on the TV and have discovered some cool stuff. 

Wifey is watching a movie with Ed Burns in it on Netflix for background noise as I write this. Has that guy been in any good movie ever? 

Discovered this song off Slacker, it’s pretty awesome.  Got stuff to do, so I gotta go.

Stories from Before the Big Bang.....

The other night I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking of the cosmological argument for God’s existence and the Big Bang.  Yes, these sorts of things keep me up at night from time to time as well as thinking about making an excel spreadsheet of my comics collection and fantasizing about quitting my job and doing something crazy like moving my family to the other side of the globe.   

 I'm a big fan of the whole school of thought, "we are a way for the universe to know itself". Sounds cool, ya know? Really without us or another sentient, conscious beings, the universe is a utterly pointless and meaningless affair.

Anyway, if you’re unfamiliar with the cosmological argument, here is one version:

1. Whatever begins to exist has a cause.
2. The Universe began to exist.
3. Therefore, the Universe had a cause.

Most believers point to the “cause” being God – although this itself is a leap of logic and faith.  The obvious weakness to this next leap is that if God started the universe and everything has a cause (per premise #1), then where did your “eternal” God come from?  It starts the whole argument over again. 

So this got me thinking what came about before the start of the universe?

Oh, that's clever.

I am reasonably sure I have thought about this before, but this particular evening, the idea stuck around in my head. I should state that I am way out of my depth here. Basically, my knowledge of the cosmos and philosophy can be fit into the palm of very small child. Maybe this is why I find it so fascinating because everything I read, I learn something.  Nonetheless, I will carry on because that’s what bloggers do (I  guess). 

I recently finished reading Klosterman’s Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs (eh, it's alright) and in one section he rails against probability, stating that everything is 50/50. Either something is going to happen or it’s not.  Either it is or is not true, etc. etc. . Of course if you play with this idea enough it gets absurd:  Unicorns: 50/50, UFO’s: 50/50, Noah’s Ark: 50/50,  and so on and so forth. 

Even still, there is certain logic to it.  I am working under two assumptions here and they are basically clarifying the positions above:

1. We know the universe began
2. Something can’t come from nothing

If we are discussing the prehistory universe (and apparently there are whole books on this subject) then we find ourselves, whatever our position to be, in theoretical conjecture.  Is everything at this point 50/50? Maybe there are no odds at this point, just ideas that are variously silly, educated, absurd, realistic, obvious and troubling. I guess what I am trying to say is that something caused the universe into being. It was either on purpose or a happy accident.

So if it wasn’t God behind creation, what was it? Again, we are in theory, and this idea might be debunked or outdated, but, work with me people! Here’s one theory I found: 
 

“…the new view argues that our universe was created when two parallel "membranes" collided cataclysmically after evolving slowly in five-dimensional space over an exceedingly long period of time. These membranes, or "branes" as theorists call them, would have floated like sheets of paper through a fifth dimension that even scientists admit they find hard to picture intuitively..”

Sounds good.... but wait - where did the “branes” in the fifth dimension come from?  A common phrase I kept  reading on the web, was "asking what came before the Big Bang is like asking what is north of the North pole".  It was a common discussion point among atheists. Here's an interview with atheist Richard Dawkins by fundamentalist Hugh Hewitt:

HH: I’m talking about the whole cosmos. Where did that come from, 13 billion years ago?

RD: It came from the big bang, which is not a complex process. It’s a simple process.

HH: And what preceded the big bang?


RD: Well, physicists won’t answer that question. They will say that time itself began in the big bang, and so the question what preceded it is illegitimate.


HH: What do you think?


RD: I’m not enough of a physicist to understand what I’m saying, but I have to say that that’s what physicists say.


HH: So when you consider before the big bang, what does Richard Dawkins think was there?


RD: I don’t consider the question, because I recognize that it’s an intuitively appealing question. I recognize that I, along with everybody else, wants to ask that question. Then I talk to physicists who say you can no more ask what came before the big bang than you can ask what’s north of the North Pole.

Ironically, whether you go with the "God" answer or the "nothing" answer, they each share similarities in that the ultimate answer is of what was before the Big Bang is...well...don't ask, because the question itself can't be asked. When I asked a philosopher (who is a few offices down from me) about what happened before the Big Bang,  he noted that people don't like to hear that this question is basically unanswerable. Even if that really is the case after all.  Still, something bothers me about saying there was nothing (or "branes") that by sheer nature did something. 

It is likely that I am missing something at this point (either from philosophy or cosmology). Maybe the more refined question is to ask why is there something rather than nothing to begin with? 

From my perspective, both of these creation accounts are stories we tell ourselves.  We consume stories in film, television, in novels and in art. We repeat stories told in song and in our sacred books. It's like our brains can't accept anything without a definite start (and end?)  We're the story-telling animal. Personally, one's belief of disbelief shouldn't be centered on one argument alone so I take this whole exercise with a grain of salt. All that being said, at least tonight, I'll sleep a little better about the story I've adopted for my own.  
 

Blissed Out

When was the last time you felt bliss?  Not happiness or contentment, but actual bliss.  Be sure to exclude sex because that’s too easy.

A recent episode of Radiolab explored this very question (although not with the sex qualifier).  In the show they discussed the story of Aleksander Gamme  - who had been on an  expedition in Antarctica.  As he traveled to his destination he left packages of supplies and occasionally food for his return trip.  As he made his way back he had forgotten at which of the drops he had left the food at. He was wondering if he had any food left and he was very hungry. That’s when this happened after he had not eaten in two days:

For those of you too lazy to watch the amazing video, he did find food in his last drop.  Cheezdoodles, to be exact and his response is classic. He is blissed out on junk food.  His expressions (especially those when he is just staring with his mouth agape in shock) are priceless.

Anyway, back to the question about bliss....when I first heard it, I just kinda pushed it in the back of my head as I was listening to the podcast and grading some quizzes.  Later on I starting thinking…when was the last time I felt “bliss”? I thought of the typical answers – when I got engaged?; at my marriage ceremony?; when my kids where born?  Nothing stuck though. Sure, I was happy in all of those moments but Cheezdoodle Bliss? No, not really.

It seems like if bliss can exist at all - it could only begin when your sense of self awareness becomes lost in a blissed-out moment.   In most big moments like getting married - you're too self-consciously aware of "the moment"  to be in bliss. I recently watched the DVD of our wedding and I look extremely uncomfortable and on the brink of tears.  Although I don't remember feeling exactly that way, I do remember being super-aware of everything like my brain was trying to record and store that moment forever. It wasn't exactly bliss.  

Then it came to me as I was driving home from work. I remembered the last time I experienced bliss. In fact, I could even recall the date (11/10/12) and even down to the exact moment.  

Here it was:





So you might guess I am an Aggie from watching the above video (class of '99).  The interception clinched an upset of the #1 team in the nation.  Texas A&M hadn't been this good in decades. When the season finished we were ranked in the top five for the first time since 1956.  When the season started most Aggies would have been happy with a winning record, which made everything that followed a little bit sweeter. Even before this particular game, I knew this team was special. When I witnessed the interception, I jumped up and down in my living room and laughed like a high-pitch hyena. My 6 year-old daughter told me that my laugh was "terrifying". Terrifying or not and as temporary as it was....it was...bliss. 

It struck me that sports offers these spontaneous, unconscious, self-forgetting, moments.  Isn't that what mystics enter in meditation, worship, prayer, etc. Religions offer individuals ways to subsume themselves into a larger consciousness or understanding.  You can forget and feel forgiven, come before the divine and forget your burdens, worries, fears, sins, insecurities and just...be. 

Whenever I am at church and I see people do this  I wonder - how can they be doing this? How do they turn off the part of their brain that feels foolish or self conscious? Granted I wasn't raised in a church that did this so that explains a lot. However, it's not just raising the hands in the air - it's everything. I always feel like the kid in class who doesn't "get it" (or maybe everyone else is just faking it). 

I've always craved to have a religious experience like that and yet my self seems to always stand in the way.  I'm over thinking, over analyzing and I just can't make my brain stay still. I could blame my culture and the fact I was raised on corn syrup, I have ADD (no, not really but maybe) or watched too many cartoons growing up, but I think this problem is larger than culture. Getting over ourselves is a problem all humans have encountered. You might even say that's why religious practices were created - to create possible fleeting moments of bliss. 

Today, we're less religious and more distracted. Maybe that's why there are so many sports fans and sex fiends -- we're addicted to the rush of feeling bliss. It's the only way we know how to forgot our selves.  

Cool Dad Moment

Hanging out in my living room with the kiddos. My six-year old starts singing, "Ba Ba Baba, Ba Ba Baba, I wanna be sedated".

Her mother walks into the room, and says very motherly, "Where did she learn that from?"

I state, innocently, "Uh...the Ramones?"

I know my kids aren't going to be little versions of me (and that's a good thing) but I sure hope they enjoy a little rock n' roll from time to time.

Clarification: I am under no illusions I am cool, it was the moment that was cool. 

Saturday Night Special: The Bends

There was a time in the 90's when I knew just about everything that was going on the alternative music scene.  My depth of knowledge was quite shallow but it was wide. My knowledge of the history of rock/pop music was extremely poor as well.  I knew about bands, when albums were coming out mostly due to the fact that I was a DJ at our college station so it helped me keep in the “loop” of the college music scene.  

Looking back, my ability to have an educated taste was at an elementary level. This doesn’t stop anyone from having opinions though, and it didn’t stop me.  I knew what I liked and I was picky as hell. To make matters worse, I was always on the look out for sell-outs or poseurs. I figured if something made it really big and wasn’t “rock out with your cock out” then it was lame.

Anyway, when I discovered The Bends shortly after it was released, I liked it. Not deeply or intensely but I knew what I liked and I liked this. I eventually grew to love the album.

Lots of people like radiohead. I am happy for them but for me, radiohead begins and ends with The Bends. After this, they lost their ability to truly rock.  There’s worse bands out there but they ain’t my cup of tea anymore. This song shines for me on a great album. I really could have almost picked any song on this album (except “Fake Plastic Trees” as by definition, I am supposed to pick “rocky” songs for my Saturday Night Specials).

So, I feel like this is introducing the Beatles to someone, but surely, there is someone like me when I was in college. They might just be discovering the history of rock music....maybe, just maybe this is their introduction to wade a little deeper out away from their own comfort zone.  Probably not, but ya know the thought is nice.