Summertime Fragments

Talking with my six-year old in the car the other day and I don't remember what we were talking about but she said, "Sometimes I wonder who I am and what I am doing?". I praised my little philosopher for asking such big questions.

I've been on "break" since last week but I don't feel rested and I haven't really had a break. Go figure.

Had an epic hour yesterday. I sold five old books at the used bookstore that I didn't want for five bucks (I got ripped off but ya know I just wanted to get rid of them as I need the shelf space anyway). Got 8 comics for $2.50 (80's Marvel). With my remaining money, I got two tacos for the exact amount leftover money in my pocket. It was like fate, man.

Summer's cool. We have our anniversary in June (and Father's Day) and both of our birthdays in July...so lots of excuse to go out on dates. 

As expected, my grandma passed away last week....it went as well as those type things can go.

I sometimes get the desire to post links to cool articles and pics but think that it really wouldn't be that fun after all. Pic Dumps are enough for me.

Reviews of Stuff

Rockafire Explosion Documentary - 2.5 stars (out of 5)

The Avengers Movie - 3.5 stars (it's alright but damn, it's not worth the $8.50 or whatever it was for a ticket - that makes me want to never go back until The Hobbit in December unless I have a coupon) 

Spurs Playoff Run - 5 Stars (I mean, the playoffs are about drama so they aren't really producing it but they are playing some amazing ball -- I hope they keep it up with no drama at all by kicking the crap out of the Thunder and Heat).

NBA Side note Part I: Can't say I think the Mavs are Lakers were very good this year but OKC impresses me. The team and it's fans are rabid. My gut is telling me this series (SA-OKC) could be a classic. Maybe like SA- Dallas 06 (can't say it worked out for us but the games were amazing - even if the refs were awful and gave the Mavs some critical calls). It's just got that vibe and hype going.  But who knows?  I hope this time the Spurs come out on top - they need Manu back in fifth gear for this series.

NBA Side note Part II : Every know and then I think about how scary the Heat or Celtics are (as they both actually play defense) and then remember how crappy both look against crappy, crappy teams). Seriously, Jazz would be at least the fifth best team in the East maybe the fourth and the Clippers, even with a hobbled team, are better than the Pacers.

Man on a Wire Documentary -4 stars (not even done with this one but it's a goodie).

Summer Weather - 4 Stars (hasn't been too hot yet)

Sno-cones from the place down the street - 5 Stars (Tiger's Blood with Cream)

That is all, proceed with the rest of your life.

Death, Birds, Hope

My grandmother has pancreatic cancer and so I've been thinking about death a lot more lately. Death and oddly enough, birds.  

My grandma is on hospice care at home and we went to visit her last Saturday. Sure, she has looked better before but she was still herself; except she stayed in bed. She couldn't host us as she typically would have. She couldn't serve me her watery ice tea (I could never tell her I didn't like her tea) or cook her famous pot roast but all in all, given the circumstances, it felt pretty normal. It was a nice visit. 

As she lives a little over an hour away, the soonest we could come back was the following Friday.  In six measly days, she had changed completely. 

I was taken aback when I first walked into her room.  She looked as though she had lost 15 pounds from her 108-pound frame. The weight loss affected her face and her eyes were sunken in. I hate to say it but she looked .... well, bird-like. It was like being around a different person. Even her demeanor was different; less interaction, more of a blank stare, and more...silence. She hasn't eaten much and having a conversation takes more energy than she has in her reserve tank.

I found myself watching the "Dr. Oz" show with my grandma in silence alone.  The whole thing was surreal. My grandma is dying and we're watching Dr. Oz with our remaining time together. The thought occurred that I should take advantage of my time with her and chat.  I prepped her with questions about her courtship with my grandfather (who passed seven years ago). She struggled a little bit and I didn't catch every word but it went on for a few minutes and then....she got sick.

I felt awful. I know intellectually that maybe it wasn't my fault that she became ill but I still blamed myself.

Waiting for someone to die is a strange thing. I know it's not a unique situation but it's still new to me.

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My grandmother's mother washed the dead in her small Texas town for wakes or funerals. Her mother would bring the body into the house and wash them on the table. Yes, she would wash bodies on their own kitchen table. When my grandma was five or six, her father died and his body was brought into the house to be prepared. She saw his body and hid in the back of the house for a long time.
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My mother is frustrated that my grandmother doesn't want to talk much about it.  "It" of course, means talking about dying.  My grandmother is from the "Greatest Generation" and traditionally they aren't as open as Baby Boomers. She's always been no-nonsense and dying from cancer has made her a bit "stoic" as my mom sees it. But is she afraid? She's been a faithful Christian her entire life but what does she think, what is she feeling? 

I told her how much I loved her cherry pies and this barely got a half-smile. I counted that as my victory for the day. 

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My parents have been taking care of my grandmother often, which means I have to take care of my parent's pets and house when they are gone.  Their house backs up to a large wooded area and they have taken in three cats from "the wild" as their own.  In two of the last three days, one of the cats has killed a bird on the back porch. Just gutted the whole thing out - there were even blood stains on the concrete.  This isn't surprising, as cats kill birds all the time, but it gets your attention. 

Death and birds.

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Last night, I woke up numerous times, and with each lapse of consciousness, I was haunted by the memory of my grandma. 

How different she looked, how powerless we are, the pain she is feeling, and the emotions she can't or won't express. I wondered about my own death and how similar or different it might be. Any time I think about death, I think about God. And when I think about God, late at night, I always doubt. I begin to doubt that God exists or if there is any purpose in life, I doubt my feelings and my own experiences. 

I feel existential dread as I recognize the slow and inexorable wheel of time as it moves relentlessly forward every day of my life. The world is defined by its commitment to change, entire species and epochs have come and gone....for what end? One day you and I will be gone. One day, it's more than likely humanity will become extinct too.   I know this isn't an uncommon thought or concern but I wonder what the point of existence is anyway?  The pain, the mystery, the suffering, the wondering...the plan?

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A few days ago my family and I went to one of our favorite pizza restaurants to eat out and on the way out, I noticed a small dead bird that had died from running into the window. This happens all the time, millions of birds die every year around the world due to flying into windows. Still, the human brain is wired to recognize patterns..... so, there it was again, death and birds. 

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A few weeks ago a wren made a huge nest on our front door. There are six eggs. We have watched them grow, day by day. 

It was a welcome bit of hope in a troubled time. 

Saturday Night Special: Blind Melon

Been awhile since I've posted one of these. This a great catchy little ditty. I remember seeing this video back in the day, even holding the CD at Best Buy ready to buy it off the basis of this one song. This was before MP3's so if I wanted the song - this was it. I doubted myself and I have no idea what I bought instead or if I bought anything else that day. This song always stayed with me through the years. Even though it wasn't played all that often on the radio. God bless the internet - one day a few years ago I remembered the song and found it, and fell in love with it all over again. Can't watch this and feel bad about Shannon Hoon - but he did leave behind some great tracks.

Pic Dump of the 21st Century

The best of my browsing (except for the great stuff I forget to save). Enjoy.

 

Peaceful Fragments

busy busy boy (sigh) but wanted to drop in with some fragments to my peeps. (even if my peeps don't actually exist, I don't want to disappoint myself as April is almost over).

I've noticed a strong tendency in our culture to "feminize" the peace sign - my daughter attended a friend's 6th birthday party this week and the theme was the "peace sign". So, peace has been reduced to a fashion statement for children. It's absent of any real moral or political value. In fact in the last ten years while we were fighting two wars (and drone bombing within other's borders)....the peace movement was...well...nothing.  If there is one thing about capitalism, it sucks the truth and beauty out of everything (art, religion, politics, etc.).

It's like the cross really. It's so ubiquitous (at least here in Texas) its power and meaning is invisible.

I will have to explore this further at a later date but equally disturbing is the "camo" birthday parties and clothing for little boys - there are no cute peace symbols for boys clothing or birthday parties, only camo, sports and war. Look, I know I am simplifying but it's late sisters and brothers, so cut me some slack. Our culture breeds this into our little ones:

Yes, this is real. Holy Hell, what a world we've wrought.

I heard an atheist describe Christians as atheists with just one exception. Thought that was pretty neat.

Sometimes I wish I was in grad school again and teaching one class (with no papers to grade either)...and while I am in fantasy land, that I could eat ice cream with no calories.

My grandma has pancreatic cancer. She is 92 and this means pain management rather than treatment. She has always been strong, independent and sharp...so as stupid as it sounds, this all came as a surprise to me. She is so down to earth (too much so actually) she told my mom, "I hope this isn't upsetting you all very much". She's ready....I hope I get there someday (to 92 and to be "ready", to be clear).

That is all. Enjoy spring while it lasts.

Fragmented Fragments

Been busy with life.

I could list the excuses but then again, who cares?

I have a couple of ideas I would like to write about but inevitably at night, I am busy, tired or just not in a writing mood as of late. Time will tell.

I can't believe it - the spurs are giving me hope. I hate that.

That is all for now.

My kids love this song:

Top 8 Moments in My Sports Fandom

Took a long spring break from blogging. It was nice.

Because no one asked and you don't care....the top 8 moments in my sports fandom...in no real order (except for #1)

1. 2005 NBA Finals, Spurs v. Pistons, Game 5 - Robert Horry adds to his legend by hitting a clutch three-point shot in OT with 9 seconds left to put the Spurs up by 1. As any one who knows basketball will tell you, game five is usually the most critical of any seven game series. The Spurs had been up 2-0 after two games and had won rather handily. In Detroit for games 3 & 4,  the Pistons returned the favor and kicked the Spurs rear even more convincingly than the Spurs victories in games 1 & 2. The truth was the Spurs had to have this game or the series was over.

The first four games had been snoozers, but game five was shaping up to be something special. It was a defensive classic. Neither team could seem to gather much momentum before the other team would come back to tie the game or take a small lead. 

I felt a sick tightening in my guts as the game continued (this usually happens in close Spurs playoff game past game four for me anyway). It seemed no one else sans Duncan was stepping up and even he couldn't hit a shot in the 3rd quarter. Then, out of the ashes of a crappy game, Big Shot Bob started to light it up. His big night started with a three point shot at the end of the 3rd quarter to earn his first three points of the game. 

He would wind up 21 points in the second half as he put the team on his back. I was watching the game at home with my friend Eric. With nine 10 seconds or so left, the Spurs were down by two in OT. We stood up near my television, nearly scared to death. Horry inbounded to Manu, a double-team came, leaving Horry wide open. Manu passed back to Horry for the 3 that won the game. After the shot went down I literally leaped into Eric's arms and we jumped up and down screaming and cheering. If you are wondering, yes, it felt totally right at the time. I really wish someone had captured the moment on video.

Did a series re-watch (of only the Spurs wins because that's how the NBA sold it) and the 2005 title is the most impressive of the Spurs' four titles. Not because they beat great teams to get there (although that Phoenix team was damn close) but because they faced what I think was the best team they played in their dynasty period. Yes, the Lakers were great but were they ever really a "team" in the truest sense of the word? They wore teams down because of the sheer talent and will of Kobe and Shaq.  Yes, the had great role players but they won because of those amazing two players. The Spurs lost in 04 to luck and in 2006 to bad officiating (the last two games were actually well called but games 1-5 were horrible, including Tim getting his toes stepped on by Dirk and getting called for a foul that would lead to a Mavs win). But the Pistons were just an amazing collection of team players. They were a mirror image, a doppelganger in the truest sense.   

2. 1998 Big 12 Championship Game, Texas A&M v. Kansas State - The Aggies were a double-digit underdog but pulled out an amazing overtime game. I had a chance to travel up to St. Louis but my friends and I didn't want to put in the diving time. We regretted it but all the same we all left my friend's apartment and went bar-hopping in College Station. The mood in College Station that night was truly awesome -- it was like everywhere we went, everyone was your friend. For a night, we felt like we ruled the world.

3. 1997 NBA Draft Lottery - The Spurs plain sucked in 1996-1997. I thought the Spurs might suck for the rest of my life. So when we got that #1 envelope for the #1 pick in the draft (of course, Tim Duncan) - I  wasn't even that big of a college hoops fan...all I knew was it was good to have the #1 pick - I can't remember if I even knew who Tim Duncan even was. All the same, I ran around the house whooping and yelling "Yes"!

4. 1998 - Texas A&M v. Nebraska - Beat the #1 team at home. If I had seen it on TV, it would have been nice but being there in College Station live - it became transcendent. You truly felt like part of the game, that you could make an impact on the play down below. This game featured the loudest moment I have ever personally experience at a sporting event (the clinching interception). It happened to be the first "Maroon Out" game as well and I actually did not participate as I didn't have a clean maroon shirt. It might be one of the few moments that I prayed to God for "my" team to win.

5. 2003 Western Conference Semifinals, Spurs v. Lakers, Game 6 -  The Spurs had been up 2-0 with two blowout wins at home. They proceeded to crap on their momentum by laying two huge eggs in LA (also blow-outs). In game five they led the Lakers by 26 at home and it looked like it was over, only Kobe got hot. I watched in utter horror as Robert Horry had his wide-open three bounce out at the buzzer.  The look on the Spurs' faces was priceless. It was if they just had literally dodged a bullet. No one knew what to expect for game six back in LA. The Spurs had allowed the Lakers back into three of the games even though they had been up by at least 15 or more points. They were lucky to have won one of them in game five.

I watched the game at a sports bar and the crowd was amazing you could sense the electricity in the bar crowd (or was that the beer?). The place was packed and you could barely walk to get to the bathroom. It was so much fun. It was close at halftime but there was no need for drama or buzzer beaters just Timmy and the gang dominating the Lakers in the second half. By the fourth quarter, it was a blowout.

The only lousy picture I could find from the game. Tim was an absolute monster and was at his peak in 2003 - his stat line for game six: 37 Pts (16-25), 16 Reb, 4 Ast, 2 Blocks. He might be boring - but Spurs fans never minded.

My friend Philip and I were just laughing as Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher  started crying as the game was ending. Really, actually crying...it still makes me laugh.

Our future wives were not impressed with our behavior - but all we could say was that it was so satisfying to finally beat that particular arrogant team and watch them cry about it. Sure, they would beat us the next year in a soul-crushing manner but there was no crying on the Spurs team. I still find this particular series maybe the most satisfying as a Spurs fan.

6. 1999 - Texas A&M v. Texas - The Bonfire Game - Just days after the Bonfire collapse, the biggest game of the year was still set to go. The campus and fans needed it. We just had to win this game - it was probably the most meaningful game I have ever been to. Such a weird vibe - I think even Texas deep down didn't want to beat us that game.

7. 1999 - Entire Playoff fun for the Spurs - not quite a moment, although the Memorial Day Miracle might suffice (alas, I was alone doing laundry, and that does not make for a great memory). The night the Spurs won it was a childhood dream come true.

8. 1989 - Spurs v. Lakers - David Robinson's first regular season game. I was 12 years old and I was there. Oh yeah, the Spurs won too.

As you can see many of these games happened as I was a young man - I don't think there is really any topping these moments as after Tim, Tony and Manu retire I will truly be without peers in the NBA my age that I care about. I am getting older and sports just aren't that important anymore. I am okay with that but maybe if my kids play sports I can bring back some of these same feelings. Time will tell.