The Monster and the Blessing

Life is intertwined with death.

When you are young, you can see death, but it's so far away you have to squint to see it properly. Like the boogie man, it's scary but it doesn't seem real - at least not for someone your age.

As you get older, you learn of it's devastating power. There is no denying that you will be a victim some day. Death becomes menacing and you can finally hear him and see him up close for the first time. Grandparents, neighbors, maybe even someone very close to you are lost to the Monster and you are terrified. Yet, you are so busy finding out who you are, you barely have time to turn around and notice. It's getting closer.

Then you reach middle age and you learn the Curse of old age....as you find yourself counting how many dead people you know. Just as you feel you've gotten comfortable in your own skin, the Monster has crept closer. You realize it's very likely you are now half-way finished with your life. Sometimes at night, you feel as though you can turn around and touch the Monster.

Almost by accident you find yourself in old age. Death will wander right behind you, slowly becoming your shadow. An ever faithful companion, he will guide your path. Only the lucky or the brave of heart find that Monster isn't all bad - he is your friend that will end the Curse and the inevitable pain that a long life brings.

All this is to say death has followed us this year closer than I would like. It hasn't touched me (at least that I am aware), he's just destroyed a few friends and a close family member.

This year has brought much reflection - on my own mortality (as if I needed more of an impetus). I thought of the practical side of death and getting our shit in order, my legacy and the afterlife. I reflected on my funeral or memorial service, I reflected on the fact that time is slipping through my hands every single day oh so quickly - and there's not a thing to be done about that.

I don't know about my legacy and I don't think I care about what most people think. I care about what my wife and kids think - that's really all that matters in terms of legacy.  I don't know about anything else if I'm really being honest. I have many questions, I have only a few answers.

What I do know is that if I die tomorrow, it will be as a blessed, even lucky man.

I could list all the cool stuff I have seen and done. The places I have visited, the people I have been fortunate enough to meet. The fun I have had and the "important things" I have accomplished. Most importantly, I could tell you about amazing people I have been blessed enough to love and to receive love back from.

But then, it would just be a big ego-trip.

When I think about alternate universes (and frankly between you and me, I don't think they exist) - I think this is probably the best one. Well, except for maybe the one where I get drafted by the Spurs and retain the same wife and kids.  If I die tomorrow, my only complaint  would be that I couldn't continue to be the husband and father for my wife and kids. My quality of life up until today could only be graded as an A+. I tumbled and stumbled my way into a sweet spot. I really can't take any credit either.

I'm so damned lucky and I didn't deserve a lick of it.

So a cheers tonight to the living and a toast to the recently departed. I can't control the good luck I have had but I'll do my best to remember you and keep being the best father and husband I can be. Oh, and I'll have a little fun too along the way, poking fun at that Monster and hoping to keep him at bay for at least 4 more decades.