Summertime Fragments

Talking with my six-year old in the car the other day and I don't remember what we were talking about but she said, "Sometimes I wonder who I am and what I am doing?". I praised my little philosopher for asking such big questions.

I've been on "break" since last week but I don't feel rested and I haven't really had a break. Go figure.

Had an epic hour yesterday. I sold five old books at the used bookstore that I didn't want for five bucks (I got ripped off but ya know I just wanted to get rid of them as I need the shelf space anyway). Got 8 comics for $2.50 (80's Marvel). With my remaining money, I got two tacos for the exact amount leftover money in my pocket. It was like fate, man.

Summer's cool. We have our anniversary in June (and Father's Day) and both of our birthdays in July...so lots of excuse to go out on dates. 

As expected, my grandma passed away last week....it went as well as those type things can go.

I sometimes get the desire to post links to cool articles and pics but think that it really wouldn't be that fun after all. Pic Dumps are enough for me.

Reviews of Stuff

Rockafire Explosion Documentary - 2.5 stars (out of 5)

The Avengers Movie - 3.5 stars (it's alright but damn, it's not worth the $8.50 or whatever it was for a ticket - that makes me want to never go back until The Hobbit in December unless I have a coupon) 

Spurs Playoff Run - 5 Stars (I mean, the playoffs are about drama so they aren't really producing it but they are playing some amazing ball -- I hope they keep it up with no drama at all by kicking the crap out of the Thunder and Heat).

NBA Side note Part I: Can't say I think the Mavs are Lakers were very good this year but OKC impresses me. The team and it's fans are rabid. My gut is telling me this series (SA-OKC) could be a classic. Maybe like SA- Dallas 06 (can't say it worked out for us but the games were amazing - even if the refs were awful and gave the Mavs some critical calls). It's just got that vibe and hype going.  But who knows?  I hope this time the Spurs come out on top - they need Manu back in fifth gear for this series.

NBA Side note Part II : Every know and then I think about how scary the Heat or Celtics are (as they both actually play defense) and then remember how crappy both look against crappy, crappy teams). Seriously, Jazz would be at least the fifth best team in the East maybe the fourth and the Clippers, even with a hobbled team, are better than the Pacers.

Man on a Wire Documentary -4 stars (not even done with this one but it's a goodie).

Summer Weather - 4 Stars (hasn't been too hot yet)

Sno-cones from the place down the street - 5 Stars (Tiger's Blood with Cream)

That is all, proceed with the rest of your life.

Death, Birds, Hope

My grandmother has pancreatic cancer and so I've been thinking about death a lot more lately. Death and oddly enough, birds.  

My grandma is on hospice care at home and we went to visit her last Saturday. Sure, she has looked better before but she was still herself; except she stayed in bed. She couldn't host us as she typically would have. She couldn't serve me her watery ice tea (I could never tell her I didn't like her tea) or cook her famous pot roast but all in all, given the circumstances, it felt pretty normal. It was a nice visit. 

As she lives a little over an hour away, the soonest we could come back was the following Friday.  In six measly days, she had changed completely. 

I was taken aback when I first walked into her room.  She looked as though she had lost 15 pounds from her 108-pound frame. The weight loss affected her face and her eyes were sunken in. I hate to say it but she looked .... well, bird-like. It was like being around a different person. Even her demeanor was different; less interaction, more of a blank stare, and more...silence. She hasn't eaten much and having a conversation takes more energy than she has in her reserve tank.

I found myself watching the "Dr. Oz" show with my grandma in silence alone.  The whole thing was surreal. My grandma is dying and we're watching Dr. Oz with our remaining time together. The thought occurred that I should take advantage of my time with her and chat.  I prepped her with questions about her courtship with my grandfather (who passed seven years ago). She struggled a little bit and I didn't catch every word but it went on for a few minutes and then....she got sick.

I felt awful. I know intellectually that maybe it wasn't my fault that she became ill but I still blamed myself.

Waiting for someone to die is a strange thing. I know it's not a unique situation but it's still new to me.

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My grandmother's mother washed the dead in her small Texas town for wakes or funerals. Her mother would bring the body into the house and wash them on the table. Yes, she would wash bodies on their own kitchen table. When my grandma was five or six, her father died and his body was brought into the house to be prepared. She saw his body and hid in the back of the house for a long time.
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My mother is frustrated that my grandmother doesn't want to talk much about it.  "It" of course, means talking about dying.  My grandmother is from the "Greatest Generation" and traditionally they aren't as open as Baby Boomers. She's always been no-nonsense and dying from cancer has made her a bit "stoic" as my mom sees it. But is she afraid? She's been a faithful Christian her entire life but what does she think, what is she feeling? 

I told her how much I loved her cherry pies and this barely got a half-smile. I counted that as my victory for the day. 

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My parents have been taking care of my grandmother often, which means I have to take care of my parent's pets and house when they are gone.  Their house backs up to a large wooded area and they have taken in three cats from "the wild" as their own.  In two of the last three days, one of the cats has killed a bird on the back porch. Just gutted the whole thing out - there were even blood stains on the concrete.  This isn't surprising, as cats kill birds all the time, but it gets your attention. 

Death and birds.

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Last night, I woke up numerous times, and with each lapse of consciousness, I was haunted by the memory of my grandma. 

How different she looked, how powerless we are, the pain she is feeling, and the emotions she can't or won't express. I wondered about my own death and how similar or different it might be. Any time I think about death, I think about God. And when I think about God, late at night, I always doubt. I begin to doubt that God exists or if there is any purpose in life, I doubt my feelings and my own experiences. 

I feel existential dread as I recognize the slow and inexorable wheel of time as it moves relentlessly forward every day of my life. The world is defined by its commitment to change, entire species and epochs have come and gone....for what end? One day you and I will be gone. One day, it's more than likely humanity will become extinct too.   I know this isn't an uncommon thought or concern but I wonder what the point of existence is anyway?  The pain, the mystery, the suffering, the wondering...the plan?

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A few days ago my family and I went to one of our favorite pizza restaurants to eat out and on the way out, I noticed a small dead bird that had died from running into the window. This happens all the time, millions of birds die every year around the world due to flying into windows. Still, the human brain is wired to recognize patterns..... so, there it was again, death and birds. 

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A few weeks ago a wren made a huge nest on our front door. There are six eggs. We have watched them grow, day by day. 

It was a welcome bit of hope in a troubled time. 

Saturday Night Special: Blind Melon

Been awhile since I've posted one of these. This a great catchy little ditty. I remember seeing this video back in the day, even holding the CD at Best Buy ready to buy it off the basis of this one song. This was before MP3's so if I wanted the song - this was it. I doubted myself and I have no idea what I bought instead or if I bought anything else that day. This song always stayed with me through the years. Even though it wasn't played all that often on the radio. God bless the internet - one day a few years ago I remembered the song and found it, and fell in love with it all over again. Can't watch this and feel bad about Shannon Hoon - but he did leave behind some great tracks.

Pic Dump of the 21st Century

The best of my browsing (except for the great stuff I forget to save). Enjoy.