Quote of the Day: Tolstoy on Intelligence

"The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of doubt what is laid before him" - Leo Tolstoy from The Kingdom of God Is Within You

Thought of the Day

I hope heaven smelles like Texas Moutain Laurel .

For those who haven't had the pleasure - it blooms once a year for a few weeks and it smells sweet, almost like grape soda. But that doesn't do it justice. Needless to say, I love it.

"Let the Children Sing" Fragments

One of the cool things about being a dad is brainwashing your kids to like good music. Here are some highlights.

About a week ago, my five-year-old asked me, "Hey Dad, can we listen to some kid's music like the Beatles?"

My oldest daughter often asks for "rock and roll" to listen to in the car. She knows me well.

C loves the Beatles and really likes Weezer and the Ramones. But the band she and her sister E, age 3 are currently adoring is The Apples in Stereo. Every single track on Tone Soul Evolution is gold for the both of them.  The other day we were driving with the windows down and the girls were jamming out to the Apples, holding hands and giggling...I loved it.

Her favorite Weezer songs are "Island in the Sun" (AKA "the hip hip song"), "Dreamin'" and "Mykel & Carli".

I do like to mix things up - when I take C to school in the mornings we listen to blues music and sing along or we end up listening to some baroque music that is usually playing in the mornings on the local "classical" music station.

During my daughters' "Quiet Time" they request the Beatles or mix CD's that I have made.

C once asked me if the Beatles were "real" - and I told her yes, they were real but that John and George were dead.  I told her Paul still tours and plays songs and she suggested we go to a concert and tell him "He did a good job".

E, is just getting into having distinct music opinions but judging from her personality, I am going out on a limb to say she is definitely the more "punk rock" of the two of them - but you never know....

Acting on Faith: The Parable of the Two Sons

In my recent faith journey I have been reflecting on the importance of acting. You know, actually doing something. Unfortunately , like most people I find this hard to do.

I'm busy/tired/being a father/washing the dishes/writing a blog/reading a book/watching television/eating a meal/ grading papers...I think you get the idea.

I grew up in a church that preached a "soterian gospel" as Scot McKnight puts it. The soterian gospel emphasizes that salvation is given by the grace of God in my faith in Jesus Christ. You believe and you're saved, it's all that simple. You see this message often in churches, television and billboards. It's seducing because it feels good to be saved and frankly it is half true, it's just not the full story. 

We are saved by grace but we are judged by our actions. Never once does Jesus judge someone based on the wrong theology. This wasn't due to a lack of opportunity either. In his meeting with a Samaritan woman at the well (John 4) he doesn't correct her theology but her actions ("Go and sin no more"). When Jesus heals the Roman centurion's daughter (Mark 5) he doesn't stop to ask what the Roman believed about God (likely he was one of the "God fearing" Gentiles but how well could he have understood God?) - instead Jesus praises the faith he does have.

We find believers fighting until they are blue in the face about theology, rules, traditions, worship practices, rituals...all the things Jesus spends little to no time preaching about. We have made faith primarily about the way we think about God instead of the way I act in life.  Rather than uniting behind righteous deeds, endeavoring for justice, and good works, we find ourselves judging those who don't believe the same things about God that we do.

I am reading a great book about Jesus' parables by Snodgrass called,  Stories with Intent. A few weeks back I came to the section on the parable of "The Two Sons".  As is often the case with the Bible, it hit me for some reason as if I had never read it before. 

What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.
“Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.
“Which of the two did what his father wanted?” “The first,” they answered.
Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.
Matthew 21: 28-32

According to Jesus, judgement always comes to people based upon their actions (or lack thereof). This parable is a double-edge sword. It makes me feel good that God can see through all the b.s. we put up - the divisions of religion, domination, theology, etc. I think Jesus is discussing "the kingdom" here on earth (and not necessarily "Heaven"). As Jesus reveals elsewhere and multiple times, one can't be too sure who will make it to the other side based on our earthy knowledge.

So the last shall be first and the first shall be last... (Matthew 20:16)

At the same time it makes me fear that I am not doing enough. As we wait for our son to get home we're stuck in middle of maybe (possibly) doing something radical. But maybe I am just using this as an excuse - I mean when is it a good time to start all over and do something scary/crazy/life-altering? “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:60

Deep down I'm scared about letting go (this has been a reoccurring theme of this blog). I am plagued by doubt about myself and about God. Maybe this is all a charade I am playing in my head. I question my assumptions and beliefs to the point where I undermine myself. I am learning to let go of it, but the self is a hard thing to defeat (ask anyone trying to be "spiritual').

So it seems the words of Jesus have brought me down, maybe even bummed me out a bit. The truth is that I need to be challenged. Who said life was easy anyway? However, I have also found comfort and encouragement as well. Even my own blemished and fractured faith can be enough to change everything.

If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you. (Luke 17:6)

How I Met Your Mother VI: The Leap (2001-2002)

Some people think their lives are governed by fate, God or (the most silly of them all), "the universe".  I expect most of us have found ourselves in a circumstance that seems almost magical.  We might imagine ourselves experiencing events that seem quite impossible to happen in a purely material universe. It's an appealing idea and it makes us feel like that there really is a master plan after all.

Note: If there is a master plan, I am assuming it can't be stolen by Time Bandits. But then again, the universe may turn out to be far more absurd than we realize. Seriously, go watch this film if you haven't already.

I believe in God but this doesn't mean that I think everything in life is predestined or ordained to happen.  No big surprises here but I don't have the answers to these timeless questions about destiny, fate or "God's plan". This much I can tell you: for most of my life my mother prayed for me to meet a woman like your mother. In 1994 that prayer came true. However, I hope that after reading this story it's clear that in life we always have choices. Everyday, we wake up and make choices on who we are going to be and how we are going to act. So it's true that I think God brought us together but we still had to take a leap of faith. Together.

By the fall of 2001, Kathryn had gone back to LSU and I was entering my second year of graduate school in San Antonio. We didn't have as much contact as you would think (you have to understand that neither of us owned our own cell phone and long-distance calls were still expensive). I do remember a few email and phone calls being exchanged between us.  In September, JJ and I were on our way to visit Eric in Abilene and I managed to almost kill us in a car accident when several deer ran in front of my pickup truck. I flipped the truck about six times but you already knew where my scar came from and that's a different story.

All my other friends had significant others so JJ and I were the only single guys left. We ended up hanging out at least once every two weeks. We would complain about Rick and Clinton and about how our two love interests couldn't see the truth (the truth: that obviously, we were infinitely more desirable then our counterparts, of course). I even shared a "concept album" mix CD I had made about the Marie Saga that I thought he might relate to.

Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, things went from bad to worse in Kathryn and Rick's relationship. Your mother had been plagued by doubt about the relationship while Rick was ready for a possible engagement. Sometime in October, after weeks of soul searching, Kathryn ended the relationship. There were other factors in their break up but the truth was Kathryn was ready to get back with JJ. When she called me with the news, I was giddy. Two of my best friends were going to be  together.

When Kathryn had told JJ that she was ready to get back together and renew their relationship - JJ said he was unsure about how he felt. The next day JJ and I met for lunch to talk about the big news. When he told me he was unsure about what do next, I was flabbergasted.

This was the guy who for months had said he would do anything to get Kathryn back and now....now he was telling me he had doubts?  I was downright angry once I got over my shock at what was happening. I had prayed to God for another chance with Marie  and he might be throwing his own chance away? This was the first time I doubted that JJ was the right man for your mother.

In the coming weeks, I was hearing from both Kathryn and JJ. For the first time I felt like my loyalties were being tested. Who exactly should I be loyal to? What did "loyal" even mean in this situation? I felt like the middle man and I didn't feel comfortable with this arrangement. I wanted them to work it out on their own. Once Kathryn got back in town, I planned on laying low and hopefully letting them spend a lot of time together to figure it all out.

The winter break arrived and JJ and Kathryn were "dating" but not seeing very much of each other. JJ even mentioned to me his interest in another woman, as if he was completely single.  I didn't even know how to respond to him. They were definitely not back together, only taking things slow by "dating". On the flip side, Kathryn and I were talking everyday, not only about JJ but just having a good time. One afternoon, I went over to her house and we watched a movie and I had a paraffin wax treatment on my fingernails. We had a blast hanging out. After a week of seemingly constant contact, we were becoming best friends. I remember my feelings bubbling up, but I did my darnest to suppress them.

At some point, plans were drawn up to go to Midnight Rodeo - Danny, Jenny, JJ, Kathryn and myself all rode together in the same car. Kathryn and I had been "dance partners" for the last two summers but this night I was going to have to defer to JJ (even if he wasn't much of a dancer). JJ and Kathryn didn't dance to the first few songs so the three of us just hung out as Danny and Jenny danced. I don't remember how it all went down, but eventually Kathryn and I danced. I know JJ and Kathryn danced that night but it wasn't as much as we had. On the long drive home, Kathryn and I were in the backseat with Jenny and JJ was up front with Danny. I remember laughing a lot about something silly. JJ was oddly quiet. The next day Kathryn told me JJ had been jealous that we had been getting along so well that night.

A few days later, I was driving to pick up a quick bite to eat and I saw Marie jogging in the neighborhood. An hour later we were still talking in my pickup truck. We hadn't had much contact since the spring but after this conversation I felt like we hadn't missed a beat. The Christmas party was in a few days and I found myself asking myself (almost unbelievably) were we really doing this again? Was I going to risk heartbreak by letting hope into my heart?

Although we couldn't have known it, in reality the Christmas party really was Marie and JJ's last chance with either one of us.  For most of the night, your mother and I stayed apart and floated around our respective love interests. I even remember leaving the party and seeing Kathryn and JJ together. I remember thinking they didn't seem to be having a good time together - they seemed so serious. This was only an impression I had, I have no idea what was going on in their heads. I had a great time with Marie that night and after the party we even grabbed some late night tacos together. This time I was at peace with the situation; I still liked Marie but I was determined to not make the same mistake twice. At least for one more night, your mother and I were still blinded by our past and unable to see the opportunity right in front of us.

A few days later I was invited to Philip's family's annual Christmas Eve party. Philip always wanted me to ask Kathryn out - even when I wasn't on board. He would tell me that Rick and JJ were no good for her and that we should just "get it over with" and date. It all seemed so simple to him and I usually just dismissed him. I have to admit that his encouragement helped keep the idea alive. Philip knew I was having mixed feelings about Kathryn and he was eager just to push me even further in that direction. He told me to tell Kathryn that he had personally invited her to come and that he would even call her if I wanted him to. He told me it would feel casual as we all lived just a few streets from each other.

We did have a lot fun at the Christmas Eve party. Afterwards, I drove Kathryn home and we talked in the car for well over an hour about life, love, everything. As I drove home well after 2:00 AM, I thought how we were doing everything together like we were a couple. We continued seeing each other every other day and talking every single day. There are too many small stories to tell. For New Year's Eve JJ had asked Kathryn to go on a date so I was left to make plans on my own. It felt weird to be apart on a holiday.

At this point I had feelings for Kathryn but I felt guilty for doing so. I was trapped and I knew the only honorable thing to do was to remain her friend. It seemed it just wasn't meant to be, our timeing was off. Kathryn had just broken up with Rick, tried to get back to JJ, I needed to just be her friend.  . On January 2nd, Kathryn and I tried to organize a night out at Midnight Rodeo. It seemed like everyone was out of town or couldn't go - even JJ couldn't make it. So, it was just your mother and I, dancing again. We just seemed to fit together well. This was the night I officially and undeniably fell for your mother. I wrote in my journal the following day,

"...she's my best friend and she's beautiful, what more can you need? But it's not the right time….I feel that this needs to work it self out, somehow. And I don’t want to play that part, that way..."

A few nights later, Philip's girlfriend Doris was having a birthday party at a club called Banana Joe's. Of course, Philip told me to invite Kathryn. This time Philip's positive vibes were paying off - I was ready to make a move. As we drove downtown to the club, it definitely felt different. If Midnight Rodeo was "safe dancing" between friends; Banana Joe's was more of the "club dancing" type of place. After a few minutes of hanging out and having a drink or two, we all went out on the dance floor. This time things the dancing was a littler more closer, a little more personal. Tonight was different.

At Banana Joe's the night everything changed.

We went for tacos after the club and I was ready to tell her I loved her right there at Chacho's but I hadn't mustered up the courage yet. It seemed like events were out of control and were moving at light speed. Something that had seemed unimaginable, radical, crazy just a few days ago now seemed natural, almost logical.

I went home on cloud nine but I was soon floating back to earth, surrounded by questions. Was I really going to risk losing two great friendships?

Timeout: I want to make this next part crystal clear. 

Yes,  I was feeling guilty about the whole thing. JJ and I were  friends after all.  However, Kathryn and JJ were not exclusively dating. I would not even consider acting this way had they been a "couple" even if they were an unhappy couple at that.  In my opinion at the time, he wasn't all that interested in dating her.  It's true because I had spent more time with her that winter break than he did. For whatever reason, he did not feel comfortable spending much time with Kathryn.  Furthermore, he had expressed doubts about their future to me personally sometime in November or December.  This was after weeks of me personally telling him to "not blow it" back in October and November--even before I had an inkling that this would happen.  

That next evening we made plans to hang out at Jim's together. I had decided that I was going to tell her about my feelings at Jim's. With just a few minutes before I left my house I started to get very nervous. The stakes were high. What if she wasn't ready to date anyone? What if Banana Joe's was just a mistake? Was I ready to leave Marie behind for good? If we dated and our experiment failed, my friendship with Kathryn and JJ would likely be over. I would lose two of my best friends.

I felt like I needed God to guide me. I got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed that if this wasn't to be, for God to stop it somehow. I prayed that I would have the right words to say. I think I even prayed that your mother felt the same way too. On the way to Jim's we cobbled together some small-talk -- we both knew we had to discuss something much more important that night. Over a vanilla milkshake and a hot chocolate, I confessed my feelings to your mother. It was in this moment where our lives changed forever.

I told your mother that even though I had tried not to, I had feelings for her and I thought we should try to date. I told her I wouldn't risk these relationships for just anyone, only for the chance of an extraordinary relationship. I told her I thought we could be something special. Before she said a word I was already comforted because she was smiling.

We talked for hours that night. About what Marie and JJ would think and about how crazy fast this was going but how organic it felt. We ended up watching a movie at my house mainly because we didn't know what else to do and because I think we didn't want our night to end so early. After the movie, your mother was walking out of my parent's kitchen. I met her as she was walking back towards the living room in front of the bookshelf that now resides in our living room.

I can't remember what we talked about but we were soon hugging. I looked into your mother's eyes and I knew it was time. Almost seven years after our first date, I finally kissed your mother for the first time. It was worth the wait. Through all the parties, funerals, long conversations, tears, laughs and the hours of dancing, we found ourselves together, at last, as best friends.

It was, of course, only the beginning.

Those first few days I was terrified JJ would want her back and she would go back with him. I was half-right. When Kathryn told JJ that we would start dating, his doubts about their relationship suddenly disappeared. He was ready to commit. When Kathryn told Marie, she was also upset (yes, she had a boyfriend, but she was definitely confused with her feelings at the time). We took a big leap that night at Jim's. We trusted God and trusted in ourselves that we felt this was the right. It paid off in full. We were in love; a scary, life-affirming love. The kind of love that makes you doubt it's even real, but it was and it still is real today. It is my most sincere hope that you will find this type of love in your life. There's no promise that you will but if you do find it and you're sure (and you are over the age of 21) then never let it go.

Life is short but "love is as strong as death". You see I can rest a little more easy tonight because I know this story can live a little longer after I am dead and gone. The future is uncertain but I hope whenever and where-ever you are reading this you have found something in this story to take with you. At the worst maybe you'll appreciate the very fragility of your existence. I love all of you so dearly and I will always be there for you if I am able. If I'm around right now, please give me a hug. Go ahead, I'll wait as you track me down in the other room. So it's time to close this long tale - for now you know the full story of how I met your mother.

Postscript (2018):  Well, you know how the story ended up but for those strangers out in internet-land I want to note that Marie was a bridesmaid at our wedding and after a few awkward years, we both rekindled our friendship with JJ.  Oh, and we're still having those annual Christmas parties, except this time there's a lot less drama and more kids running around.