In the summers of 1997, 1998 and 2000 I worked downtown. These were seminal years for me and I spent a lot of time alone -- thinking and writing. Most days, I would walk to lunch from Hemisfair Park to the heart of downtown, often near the Alamo. I love urban areas - they seem so much more alive than our sterile suburban environments. It seems like anything can happen. I wrote this in 2005, looking back on a particular lunch-hour. Yes, it actually happened.
Downtown '98
i see the puppeteer
with his dog puppet
making strange comments
as the tourists pass
so i walk to the other side of alamo street
there's a preacher with the bible in hand
preaching in shade of alamo square
the annual dog show's at henry b again
i eat fast-food in the mall alone
and think of poems to write when i'm home.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
February 12th: Time, Loss and Memory
12 years ago on the February 12th I was watching the Spurs v. Sixers in a bar in College Station, TX. It was a Friday and I was out having fun. It had been a long, hard week (as much as a typical spoiled college student's life could be called "hard").
After my roommate and I had finished our weekly radio show, we grabbed some food, cleaned up at our apartment and joined some friends to bar-hop. I somehow managed (with a lot of help of my friends) to become plastered. It was the drunkest I have ever been, before or since.
I remember lots of beer, shots and laughing a lot. We went to regular bars, shot bars, and at least two different dance clubs. At the second dance club I began to find the whole scene really pathetic (this often happened around 2:00 AM for me). In my inebriated state I couldn't find my friends at the club so I decided to walk home.
This might have been a good idea if I wasn't all of the below:
A) Drunk, really, really drunk
B) In cold weather with no jacket
C) about 2-3 miles away from home
D) 2-3 miles from home and having to cross major thoroughfares
Nonetheless, I left. I wasn't mad, I just wanted to leave and I was ready to sleep. So I began my journey and I kept repeating to myself, "don't get hit by a car", "don't look drunk" -- over and over again. Finally, I arrived home.
I had a message on our answering machine. I pushed the button and there it was.
The worst message of my life.
I called my friend back as she didn't say exactly what had happened. I thought she was stuck somewhere drunk without a designated driver. I soon found out that one of my close friends had died in a car wreck earlier that day....probably sometime during our radio show.
I told her she was wrong or that she didn't know for sure. It was a classic denial stage setting in. However, the initial shock and disbelief was quickly fomenting into anger. I was seething with life, everything, God -- I kicked and punched the walls. In my drunken stupor I squirmed on the floor like a child writhing in rage. How could God take my beautiful friend? How could he take my best friend’s little sister? I screamed and repeated obscenities over and over. I expected to somehow black out so it could all to go away. As I recall these flashbacks so vividly - it’s like a tiny glimpse of hell itself.
It was so hard to understand. It's still hard to remember but as I write I feel just a shadow, a ghost feeling that still lingers just a little while as I write about it.
Mikey was special. Not in the "great person" special - she was special because she was different. She was moody, funny, fun-loving, jig-saw puzzle and old movie loving, quick to anger but most of all, my friend. She had a way of making you do just about anything for her. Maybe she was manipulative but more than that I think she was magnetic. When we weren't fighting or annoyed with one another she could make me feel special. She did this to everyone, because at her memorial service, she had just about everyone convinced. Everyone thought they were Mikey's best friend because she made everyone feel part of her world.
So, why rehash all this?. Is it some kind of therapeutic thing? A need to story-tell as to feel better about it? No, I got over Mikey's passing a long time ago.
I'm writing because I feel guilty.
I feel guilty because every year, Mikey fades away a little more. I think about her a little less than the year before. I had a little photo of Mikey next to my bed for years that I finally put away about five years ago. Assuredly, I probably forget more every year; the way she would smile or how she would say a certain word. I feel guilty because I have moved on.
This isn't to say I have forgotten her or that I don't think about her. She still sneaks into my dreams every so often. The last time I was a time traveler trying to warn her not to get into the car. But, cruelly and inevitably, time keeps moving. Mikey's still 19 and now I'm 33. She's staying in college and now I'm a father of two (with another on the way). She's still young and vibrant and now I'm older, mature and settled.
God willing, I'll keep getting older. I'm sure some details will continue to fade and there's nothing I can do about that.
However, blurry memories, are still memories. And its true, I have moved on, but I won't ever truly forget. I'm sure Mikey would want it that way.
So I'm writing today because I want to feel sad again.
I want to remember that the world lost something 12 years ago this month. It lost a true individual who was loved by many. We still miss you, Mikey.
After my roommate and I had finished our weekly radio show, we grabbed some food, cleaned up at our apartment and joined some friends to bar-hop. I somehow managed (with a lot of help of my friends) to become plastered. It was the drunkest I have ever been, before or since.
I remember lots of beer, shots and laughing a lot. We went to regular bars, shot bars, and at least two different dance clubs. At the second dance club I began to find the whole scene really pathetic (this often happened around 2:00 AM for me). In my inebriated state I couldn't find my friends at the club so I decided to walk home.
This might have been a good idea if I wasn't all of the below:
A) Drunk, really, really drunk
B) In cold weather with no jacket
C) about 2-3 miles away from home
D) 2-3 miles from home and having to cross major thoroughfares
Nonetheless, I left. I wasn't mad, I just wanted to leave and I was ready to sleep. So I began my journey and I kept repeating to myself, "don't get hit by a car", "don't look drunk" -- over and over again. Finally, I arrived home.
I had a message on our answering machine. I pushed the button and there it was.
The worst message of my life.
I called my friend back as she didn't say exactly what had happened. I thought she was stuck somewhere drunk without a designated driver. I soon found out that one of my close friends had died in a car wreck earlier that day....probably sometime during our radio show.
I told her she was wrong or that she didn't know for sure. It was a classic denial stage setting in. However, the initial shock and disbelief was quickly fomenting into anger. I was seething with life, everything, God -- I kicked and punched the walls. In my drunken stupor I squirmed on the floor like a child writhing in rage. How could God take my beautiful friend? How could he take my best friend’s little sister? I screamed and repeated obscenities over and over. I expected to somehow black out so it could all to go away. As I recall these flashbacks so vividly - it’s like a tiny glimpse of hell itself.
It was so hard to understand. It's still hard to remember but as I write I feel just a shadow, a ghost feeling that still lingers just a little while as I write about it.
Mikey was special. Not in the "great person" special - she was special because she was different. She was moody, funny, fun-loving, jig-saw puzzle and old movie loving, quick to anger but most of all, my friend. She had a way of making you do just about anything for her. Maybe she was manipulative but more than that I think she was magnetic. When we weren't fighting or annoyed with one another she could make me feel special. She did this to everyone, because at her memorial service, she had just about everyone convinced. Everyone thought they were Mikey's best friend because she made everyone feel part of her world.
So, why rehash all this?. Is it some kind of therapeutic thing? A need to story-tell as to feel better about it? No, I got over Mikey's passing a long time ago.
I'm writing because I feel guilty.
I feel guilty because every year, Mikey fades away a little more. I think about her a little less than the year before. I had a little photo of Mikey next to my bed for years that I finally put away about five years ago. Assuredly, I probably forget more every year; the way she would smile or how she would say a certain word. I feel guilty because I have moved on.
This isn't to say I have forgotten her or that I don't think about her. She still sneaks into my dreams every so often. The last time I was a time traveler trying to warn her not to get into the car. But, cruelly and inevitably, time keeps moving. Mikey's still 19 and now I'm 33. She's staying in college and now I'm a father of two (with another on the way). She's still young and vibrant and now I'm older, mature and settled.
God willing, I'll keep getting older. I'm sure some details will continue to fade and there's nothing I can do about that.
However, blurry memories, are still memories. And its true, I have moved on, but I won't ever truly forget. I'm sure Mikey would want it that way.
So I'm writing today because I want to feel sad again.
I want to remember that the world lost something 12 years ago this month. It lost a true individual who was loved by many. We still miss you, Mikey.
yeah, she was crazy, but ya know, a good crazy.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Spurs Games That Should be on DVD
Some of my posts on this blog are for a "wide" audience (that's being generous, actually). While other posts will possibly be of no interest to anyone but a very, very small segment of a population of the world. This post fits into the latter category. So, apologies to all those who don't care -- maybe the next post will be to your liking. So without further adeiu....
Spurs Games I would like to own on DVD
(The NBA already released all the Spurs wins in the NBA Finals so I own those already)
1989 - Spurs v. Lakers (David Robinson's first regular season game - I was there!)
1991 - Spurs v. Blazers (the entire, heartbreaking but exciting six game series).
1995-1996 - Spurs v. Pistons; Spurs v. Clippers (David Robinson's quadruple double and his 71-point game, respectively)
1998 - Spurs v. Suns (Game 1 - Playoffs - Tim Duncan kills the Suns in the 4th)
1999 - Spurs v. Lakers (Playoffs - the entire sweet four game series)
1999 - Spurs v. Blazers (Game 1 Western Finals - Memorial Day Miracle)
200? - Would like any vintage regular season Tim Duncan game in his prime
2003 - Spurs v. Lakers (entire six game series)
2005 - Spurs v. Sonics (Game 6 - Playoffs - Tim hits essentially a buzzer beater)
2005 - Spurs v. Suns (entire 5 game series - it's just entertaining up and down basketball)
2003-2007 - Any vintage Manu game (I know there was some crazy Hawks game when he scored 24 straight points - that would fit the bill).
2008 - Spurs v. Suns (Game 1 - Timmy and Finley hit seconds to go shots)
I am sure I am forgetting a game that would be most enjoyable....one day the NBA will get some sense and sell individual series and games and make a fortune.
Spurs Games I would like to own on DVD
(The NBA already released all the Spurs wins in the NBA Finals so I own those already)
1989 - Spurs v. Lakers (David Robinson's first regular season game - I was there!)
1991 - Spurs v. Blazers (the entire, heartbreaking but exciting six game series).
1995-1996 - Spurs v. Pistons; Spurs v. Clippers (David Robinson's quadruple double and his 71-point game, respectively)
1998 - Spurs v. Suns (Game 1 - Playoffs - Tim Duncan kills the Suns in the 4th)
1999 - Spurs v. Lakers (Playoffs - the entire sweet four game series)
1999 - Spurs v. Blazers (Game 1 Western Finals - Memorial Day Miracle)
200? - Would like any vintage regular season Tim Duncan game in his prime
2003 - Spurs v. Lakers (entire six game series)
2005 - Spurs v. Sonics (Game 6 - Playoffs - Tim hits essentially a buzzer beater)
2005 - Spurs v. Suns (entire 5 game series - it's just entertaining up and down basketball)
2003-2007 - Any vintage Manu game (I know there was some crazy Hawks game when he scored 24 straight points - that would fit the bill).
2008 - Spurs v. Suns (Game 1 - Timmy and Finley hit seconds to go shots)
I am sure I am forgetting a game that would be most enjoyable....one day the NBA will get some sense and sell individual series and games and make a fortune.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Belief, Knowledge and Yoda
Yoda uses "The Force" to lift the X-Wing out of the swampy bog. The spacecraft floats above the water and Yoda guides it with his hand, gently placing the spacecraft to the ground. Luke utters in disbelief, “I don’t believe it.” “That is why you fail” replies Yoda. - From The Empire Strikes Back
"If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe." - Soren Kierkegaard
Believing is never as easy as it seems in abstract. The whole idea of believing in a God seems easy and most of all, well, neat and tidy. However, in real life you might find yourself awake at night wondering if this is all there is to life. For all I know we might be floating around in space, helpless, small and living meaningless lives.
In my small time here on earth I have learned that it's easier to let go of the answers - to let go of the assumptions and knowledge I have about life, god, belief, etc. I can't figure it all out and I don't need to. When we put God in a box (like Luke Skywalker or a person taking the opposite position of Kierkegaard) we will fail (in part because we are human). It's not about knowing but trusting.
“I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." – Jesus (MT 17:20)
Jesus says even the smallest of seeds of faith will do great things. The beginning of every journey begins with one step. I believe that to be true and one day hope to live it to its fullest extent.
"If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe." - Soren Kierkegaard
Believing is never as easy as it seems in abstract. The whole idea of believing in a God seems easy and most of all, well, neat and tidy. However, in real life you might find yourself awake at night wondering if this is all there is to life. For all I know we might be floating around in space, helpless, small and living meaningless lives.
In my small time here on earth I have learned that it's easier to let go of the answers - to let go of the assumptions and knowledge I have about life, god, belief, etc. I can't figure it all out and I don't need to. When we put God in a box (like Luke Skywalker or a person taking the opposite position of Kierkegaard) we will fail (in part because we are human). It's not about knowing but trusting.
“I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." – Jesus (MT 17:20)
Jesus says even the smallest of seeds of faith will do great things. The beginning of every journey begins with one step. I believe that to be true and one day hope to live it to its fullest extent.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Art Post # 3: And then....there were Trolls!!!
If you've seen my other art posts you already know I love to "recreate" art from children's books. Some might say I am just "copying" the artwork (because that's basically what I am doing). Some might find it really a worthless endeavor.
From my prospective they are acts of love and reverence for my childhood memories.
In my humanities class I have a day where we discuss the definition of art and we have a grand old time (it's always great to be the first person to introduce most of my students to Duchamp's Fountain and Dada art). Last semester I even mentioned my "recreations" as one of my hobbies. We briefly debated if they should be considered "art" or not. The class was pretty divided but we didn't dwell on it too long as we had more fun stuff to talk about like if Thomas Kinkade is really an artist or not.
Strictly and literally speaking, I don't think my "recreations" are "art" in any real sense of the word.
They are really no more than paraphrases of an original and beautiful poem. They are like when someone else is telling you a story they heard but didn't experience. It may be a good story, but there's nothing like hearing it from the person who experienced it. That may sound harsh, but I enjoy the challenge of it and I have a lot of fun doing them....so they are very worthwhile to me.
Of course further complicating this is the little ol' fact that I title these posts as "Art Posts". The truth is I didn't think about it too much and I really don't care. Consider "Art" in the above title to be the board, generic meaning of the word. Or just give me a little grace, will ya?
On to the task at hand. This piece was inspired by one of my favorites called "Favorite Tales of Monsters and Trolls". This has to be if not my favorite, in the top three of my childhood favorites. There are three stories - The Three Billy Goats Gruff, The Trolls and the Pussy Cat and The Stone Cheese. It's by George Jonsen and illustrated by John O'Brien.
The stories are great but the artwork is simply amazing. The artwork is so detailed, layered and rich. You can stare at each page and discover new weird, strange and silly little creatures you never noticed before. For underneath rocks, tree roots or even in people's hats live little people or strange creatures (like a half bird-half human with no arms or a tree with legs). I recommend this book for lovers of mythology, detailed artwork and trolls. And yes, that reads just like I'm doing a book review on Reading Rainbow.
Anyway here are the pics....
From my prospective they are acts of love and reverence for my childhood memories.
In my humanities class I have a day where we discuss the definition of art and we have a grand old time (it's always great to be the first person to introduce most of my students to Duchamp's Fountain and Dada art). Last semester I even mentioned my "recreations" as one of my hobbies. We briefly debated if they should be considered "art" or not. The class was pretty divided but we didn't dwell on it too long as we had more fun stuff to talk about like if Thomas Kinkade is really an artist or not.
Strictly and literally speaking, I don't think my "recreations" are "art" in any real sense of the word.
They are really no more than paraphrases of an original and beautiful poem. They are like when someone else is telling you a story they heard but didn't experience. It may be a good story, but there's nothing like hearing it from the person who experienced it. That may sound harsh, but I enjoy the challenge of it and I have a lot of fun doing them....so they are very worthwhile to me.
Of course further complicating this is the little ol' fact that I title these posts as "Art Posts". The truth is I didn't think about it too much and I really don't care. Consider "Art" in the above title to be the board, generic meaning of the word. Or just give me a little grace, will ya?
On to the task at hand. This piece was inspired by one of my favorites called "Favorite Tales of Monsters and Trolls". This has to be if not my favorite, in the top three of my childhood favorites. There are three stories - The Three Billy Goats Gruff, The Trolls and the Pussy Cat and The Stone Cheese. It's by George Jonsen and illustrated by John O'Brien.
Now, it's one of my daughter's favorites and it surprises me the trolls don't scare her at all.
The stories are great but the artwork is simply amazing. The artwork is so detailed, layered and rich. You can stare at each page and discover new weird, strange and silly little creatures you never noticed before. For underneath rocks, tree roots or even in people's hats live little people or strange creatures (like a half bird-half human with no arms or a tree with legs). I recommend this book for lovers of mythology, detailed artwork and trolls. And yes, that reads just like I'm doing a book review on Reading Rainbow.
Anyway here are the pics....
The Trolls and the Pussy Cat
October-December 2010
Detail
Another Detail
Excuses
Well.
I hit a wall of real life with the start of a new semester and prepping for teaching the young married class at church.
Then I had some writer's block (didn't want to delve into the back burner ideas yet).
Then I got involved in an art project (a recreation of the cover of one of my favorite Spider-Man - ASM #33).
Then I had ideas but no desire to actually write them (an MLK post that never was might be some day).
Now, I am just bored with it all.
So...the next post will be an art post!
After that, we'll see where this month takes us. I now spend many a night prepping for the World Civ class that I have never taught before. It really sucks the life right out of me.
Onward and upward!!!!
I hit a wall of real life with the start of a new semester and prepping for teaching the young married class at church.
Then I had some writer's block (didn't want to delve into the back burner ideas yet).
Then I got involved in an art project (a recreation of the cover of one of my favorite Spider-Man - ASM #33).
I read this in an "Marvel Tales" version. It had such an influence on my pre-pubescent brain about what it meant to be a man....(light blub goes off for how comic books affected my ideas of gender). The story still holds up okay (for comics) and it has some of Dikto's best work (and I am not really a big of fan of his).
Then I had ideas but no desire to actually write them (an MLK post that never was might be some day).
Now, I am just bored with it all.
So...the next post will be an art post!
After that, we'll see where this month takes us. I now spend many a night prepping for the World Civ class that I have never taught before. It really sucks the life right out of me.
Onward and upward!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)