My Bookshelf is the Story of my Life

I started cleaning out my bookshelf the other night and realized that many of the books on my shelves tell a story about my life the last few years. Here are a few random ones (not in any particular order):


Beowulf - I have this one from my graduate literature class I enrolled in for promotion at work. Out of all the books I could have chosen, I chose this. I thought a mythic, legendary tale would be fun. Boy, was I wrong. The book is boring. Not just boring, though, it's a disappointing, mind-numbing, "how is this a classic book?" boring. The type of boring that you think will eventually end (I mean, I knew the general outline of the book, I was just waiting for stuff to happen).  I actually never finished it, even though I wrote a ten page paper on it.

Totally cool, right? What you don't know is the action scenes amount to a paragraph and the boasting and summarizing goes on for pages.

The Book of Mormon - About four years ago two Mormon girls came to my door to convert me.   My wife and kids weren't home so I was game.  After having some fun, I still wanted "The Book" being that I didn't have it and was interested (but not in the way they wanted me to be "interested").  I was supposed to promise to pray to God to reveal to me if it was true. I told them I would pray but not that prayer. I told them I wanted it because I was interested in all religions - Buddhism, Islam, etc. Also very boring...no disrespect, but the whole thing is also, well, silly.


The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang - A true story that is  powerful, sad, violent, and insane.  It shows the dark side of humanity at its very worst.  I read this in preparation for a World Literature/World Cultures class a colleague and I were planning to teach. We were excited as the class would be partially focused on food. I even made a kick-ass poster. Guess how many students enrolled in the class? One. Just one lousy student. Well, the class never happened and my colleague shortly left the college. Needless to say, The Rape of Nanking is an amazing read (and very depressing).


Moon (travel) Handbook: Nepal - In the winter of 2007 I planned a trip to Nepal. I was even accepted into a program to help in an orphanage in Kathmandu for a week in June of 2008. I started an ambitious plan to save money and I was pumped. In the meantime, we got pregnant, my best friend got engaged (and promptly asked us to attend the wedding, which was out of state). I decided I shouldn't/couldn't go to Nepal. I was sad but afterwards a weight was lifted off my chest. One day, I'd like to go.

I still look at this and sigh.....maybe some day.

Marvel Essential: Marvel Universe Volumes 1 & 2 - I love comic books. However reading encyclopedic entries of comic book heroes and villains is kinda stupid. Like trying to figure out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.  It makes for a great comfort read though. Perfect for a late night before bed when you have a lot on your mind or when you'll be awhile on the toilet.

The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne - I first discovered Shane Claiborne browsing at a Christian bookstore and found his amazing Jesus for President (I let a friend borrow it who lives in London two years ago and never got it back). After reading Jesus for President, I shortly bought this one. Both books just make you want to quit your job and do something crazy. I can't recommend it enough for anyone.  You'll be inspired to live an authentically Christian life that has everything to do with helping the poor, resisting nationalism and war, and transforming lives. Wonderful stuff. I am currently reading another book of his now, Follow me to Freedom.

The Jewish Study Bible (Oxford University Press) - So I started a free online class about the Hebrew Bible (taught by a Harvard professor). This was completely for my own education and enjoyment. I took copious notes during the lectures and read all my required reading. This particular Bible is awesome. The footnotes are what killed me. I couldn't stop reading them, even when I knew I should stop. I would have 20 chapters to read and it would take me weeks to get through it. I got about 8 weeks in (which took me 4 months to get through). I aced the mid-term although I declined writing the essay portion. I started reading again (somewhere in Leviticus) and just lost my own will to continue. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it just the footnotes did me in. That, and the fact that I starting reading other stuff in the middle of the class. It's still a great resource though.

Finally, and most importantly our growing library on Ethiopia and adoption...that is a unfinished story but of course, ongoing.

And with that, good night. Happy Holidays, to whomever is out there!

Weezer's Tragic Girl

Note: This is a Weezer-centric post, consider yourself warned.

Weezer's Pinkerton was re-issued last month and I can heartily recommend it to anyone interested in finding out what 1990's rock music was all about. Pinkerton Deluxe serves as a testament to the world that the song writing of Rivers Cuomo of the 1990's was only surpassed (in my humble opinion) by that of the Beatles in the mid-60's. It's a crazy argument that will get it's own post someday.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. Last spring the online community learned that there would be a track on the Deluxe edition of Pinkerton that had been recorded but unbelievably forgotten about. This was a huge shock, as Rivers had meticulously documented just about every song he ever wrote onto a spreadsheet. Even song fragments and chord progressions got documented. Here was a song that seemed to come out of nowhere. An un-heard b-side of that era, Getting Up and Leaving was already legendary. This was a revelation.

Weezer in 1996 - Weezer's always had a thing for weird photo shoots but back then the douche factor much lower. 

The unearthed song was titled "Tragic Girl" and instantly there was suspicion that it was a new song or a fragment that was being re-recorded. Even the title was denounced as sounding "post-Pinkerton" (a common reference in the online Weezer community, usually inferring inferiority of anything after 1996).

After a few weeks we finally received confirmation from the band's sixth man, Karl Koch. He stated it was indeed a lost track that was recorded when he was out of town and just completely forgotten about. The song was touched up in 2010, but Karl hinted the changes were less than 5% of the total song. Most importantly he said the song was good (at one point claiming it was "god X 1000...you think I'm kidding").

What made this so tantalizing was that Cuomo during the Pinkerton-era was at his most ambitious, most confident and most free. It was a dream come true for a Weezer fan.

As the release day finally approached I kept trying to keep my expectations down, thinking it was more than likely about as good as a demo or b-side of the era (which, is actually, pretty amazing). I kept thinking that it can't be that good if it was forgotten about.

When I finally heard the song, it just about blew my expectations out of the water. It was everything a lost-Pinkerton track should sound like. On the first listen, I smiled as the drums kicked in (God, I've missed this type of sound on a Weezer record). The guitars are messy and the lyrics are (at times) amazing. The song structure is non-typical and the guitar solo and musical interludes are a breath of fresh air from the cookie-cutter song writing approach Weezer has typically produced lately (with a few notable exceptions on The Red Album).

(That was a lot of parentheses in one paragraph)

This isn't Weezer, I just found it Googling Weezer pictures. Just look at 'em - some random band.  I'm a pacifist and this photo elicits violence in me. I want to send them a comb for Christmas.

The song centers on a relationship that is ending. As with all of Pinkerton-era songs, the lyrics are brutally honest. However, in this case the narrator isn't as sympathetic in his presentation of himself as he is on the album. In Pinkerton, Rivers presents himself as at various times, creepy, horny, obsessive and weird but the main theme of the album is unrequited love. We feel bad for Rivers in most of the songs. Only on the album's closer, Butterfly does the narrator finally accept most of the blame for his relationship problems.

In Tragic Girl, Cuomo is up-front that this withering relationship that is mostly physical for him "Even as I anoint your door, I'm looking out for something more". In fact, he's "...crying too - because no one else touches me like you do". In classic Cuomo fashion, he feels bad about it all, but covers it up, "I'll try my darnest to be a bastard, I want you to think I don't care."

It's this duality of men that women will never understand. "Look, I'm using you, but I feel really bad about."

He goes on to say to the woman, "You're a tragic girl, you lead a tragic life, I'm just meant to be your latest tragedy". Rivers recognizes something inherently sad about her. Maybe he knows she's just had a dramatic, sad life. Maybe it's just this specific relationship that's tragic. The point is, he loves her physically but deep down, he knows that she's just not right for him.

The apex of the song has Cuomo lamenting, "This ain't no butterfly girl, this ain't' butterfly love, I'm gonna have to be your latest tragedy".

Here is where I am having trouble with the song - I associate butterflies with child-like innocence, beauty, and fragility. Wouldn't that be the epitome of a tragic girl? Is he saying, "Look, you might be fragile and tragic and all that, but this was never some sort of deep, meaningful relationship to me"? Maybe he believes she was never "innocent" to begin with...I'm unsure.

It's a beautiful song. It's sung with so much conviction that it sounds like it hurts. It's a mixed emotional bag of a self-loathing, living in denial of who-I-am, sex-obsessed, recluse/rock star life.

I recently read a review of Pinkerton Deluxe that claimed Rivers was a "creepy jerk" (or something like that). I suppose there are some creepy parts...but that's what I love about it. It was brave. He's honest about who he was and what he was experiencing. He did not give in to the temptation we have of just telling others about the good side of us. Rivers showed us who he was - warts and all.

In doing so, we related to who he was -- what guy hasn't ever been creepy at one time or a total jerk to a nice girl? What guy hasn't gotten a little obsessive about someone that rejected him? We all go through this. It's part of growing up.

Many in the Weezer community were reminded that this is probably the last we'll ever hear of the late-great band that was. I don't feel sad at all - I'm just thankful for a little more 90's Weezer than I ever expected to hear. I got over what I wanted Weezer to be a long time ago. Yeah, it's disappointing, but why focus on the negatives? Without "crappy" Weezer today, this would still be rotting on a forgotten tape somewhere.

Just Being

A few weeks ago when the rest of my family was out of town on a Sunday, I went for a walk instead of church.

This made me happy because nature makes me feel more spiritual than going to church.

I can't exactly place my finger on why walking outdoors feels more comfortable or "spiritual" than going to church. It might be because I'm really a introvert who forced myself to be an extrovert. Maybe it's because when I'm walking I'm more interested in just being and experiencing rather than trying to rebut the sermon I'm listening to.

Life seems to make more sense outdoors. In the world I'm surrounded by doubt, drama at work, disappointment, and always searching for answers. Most of the time all my thinking just leads to more questions or unsatisfying answers. I don't mean to say my life is horrible - it's just that life out in the world often amounts to unsatisfying conclusions.

When I am in nature - it - no, I am different.


I'm more at peace with life, I'm more calm and relaxed. Even walking towards no destination I seem more purposeful.

Anyway, back to the walk I was talking about....after walking for about thirty minutes I sat down to pray and attempt to meditate. I was reminded by the wisdom of Daoism which sees nature not for what can be done with it, but seeks to emulate it in its very being. Nature doesn't seek answers. It doesn't worry or have any drama. It just is.

"Nature is not kind - It treats all impartially" - Dao De Jing

Sitting there I realized that everything of the world; the rat race, my doubts about God and myself seem so absurd and petty. Our answers are all right here in front of us. When I pray outside I feel closer to creation and my creator. I feel assurance - that there is a purpose for it all. Being busy and constantly doing things creates separation from the natural world or natural way of living.

As I sat down I first watched as a light wind came upon the trees around me like waves in the ocean. It was so quiet, I only heard the leaves rustling above and around me. No planes were overhead and the wind masked the far off highway as well. This solitary moment felt right. I meditated for a short while (honest disclosure: when I meditate, its only for a few seconds at a time). I then prayed for a long time for the first time in a long while.

I continued walking, moving wherever it struck my fancy. I prayed three separate times on that walk. Each prayer was for a long period of time followed by just walking and very little thinking. I wasn't so much asking for things in these prayers as I was just talking and expressing my hopes, concerns and dreams. Some might say I was talking to myself, and maybe that's what part of prayer is. The point is this experience away from church put me in tune with the divine more than church ever does. It was the salve for a tired-churched out guy.

Things I Discovered in College (1995-2000)

It's been awhile since I had a list, so, well, here's a list of things I discovered in college. It was the 90's and I had a blast finding out who I was.

Woody Allen
Art History
Liberal Politics
The Internet (remember it was 1995)
Beer
Self confidence
Matlock (seriously)
Painting
Not to play your music too loud when having a party
Serious Poetry (even if it was bad, I was serious about it)
the Beatles
Beer tastes pretty much the same after eight beers
Mistrust of authority
My first love (yes, a person if you are wondering)
Thai and Chinese food
Totino's frozen pizzas gets progressively worse with each pizza bought
Women were more confusing than I had imagined
Personal and profound loss
Learning could be challenging and fun
That I was okay with who I was