Questioning Faith

Every "believer" has their doubts. I can't imagine my own faith existing without some level of doubt - a yin of doubt for the yang of belief. My first faith crisis was the hardest. At school I was confronted with rumors, questions and debates about the nature of belief. I was troubled but the fact remained that I still wanted to believe.

In the winter of 1984, my family spent Christmas Eve in my grandparent’s house. I spent the night in their spare bedroom, surrounded by my grandmother's sewing accessories and my grandfather's CB radio equipment. My parents had reasonable Christmas morning expectations. My sister and I could go through our stockings first thing in the morning but we were under strict orders to not open anything else until they were awake.

Of course I scampered out of bed before sunrise to check out the coveted loot. Once back into the guest room I quickly poured out the stocking’s treasures onto the bed. There was the requisite candy and other small items, but two toys stood above the rest: two small Transformers action figures (Brawn & WindCharger for those scoring at home).

Gotta love the internet - punch this into Google images and bang - I got a visual.

Suddenly, it all came crashing down.

The two packages were cut with scissors, so they could fit into the stocking. Each of the packages had two pathetic, half-heartily “Toys R Us” tags torn off. I sat on the bed staring at the packages. Although I had already begun to deconstruct the paradox of “Santa’s Workshop” (the elves made Masters of the Universe figures?) - staring at the packages confirmed my doubts - Santa was a lie. I started to create excuses to believe but nothing stuck.

In a few hours my parents would wake up and ask what Santa brought. I played the game that morning, I was too embarrassed by the whole situation to say anything. Quietly, my faith in Santa had died but I managed to fake it for a few more years.

I’m still not that much different than my seven-year old self. I find the packaging for God lacking but I still desire, yes, even yearn to believe. I want to live in a world that has meaning. Not the existential kind of meaning that we create to get by. I want meaning that reveals ultimate truth; the transcendent kind of meaning.

I still want to believe.

Wishing People Dead

Today, one of my "friends" on Facebook posted this:

"DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN. I saw this on a friends post and couldnt help but repost it."


First off, you know it's gonna be a doozy because it's ALL IN CAPS. Second, they clearly have to get out and see more movies, I mean Patrick Swayze and Farrah Fawcett are their favorite actors? Wow.

Did you Know? Road House is required by law to be shown on Saturday afternoons on at least one channel in at least 2 states?  

What is about Facebook and the internet in general that makes rude, threatening, even violent comments acceptable? By the time I saw the post, two people already "liked it".  I commented, "I don't think it's cool to wish anyone dead. sorry!"  As much as I didn't like our past presidents, I never wished them to die because I disagreed with their policies. Look, I'm not a humorless guy...but I do have boundaries.  I know, I know, I am just a crazy "liberal" and "social progressive" out to try to control what people think....but I digress...


Earlier this year, another "friend" of mine became a "fan" of "Requiring People on Welfare to Take Drug Tests". I actually found the idea offensive and actually stupid and I couldn't stay silent (if you know me, you'll know I take ill-advised "stands" all the time). I paraphrase my quote, but I believe I stated, "I know where this is coming from, but this is mean-spirited and a bad idea". I smiled and congratulated myself on my self restraint.  Within minutes, I was lambasted by another "friend" who dragged in an off topic policy subject to point out I was just a crazy "liberal" (I'm leaving out all the dirty details for your own sanity).

I further tried to make a bad situation worse by you know, using common sense...I posted that while everyone is against abuse, a blanket policy would be a waste of tax payer money and it assumed that everyone poor was using drugs. I didn't name call or make accusations, I just tried to stick to the inane policy that had been suggested.

A few minutes later another person (not a "friend") suggested they ought to give reading and writing tests to receive welfare! They were actually serious. (While we're at it, why don't we bring back the poll tax and bring back those colonial laws that restricted the right to vote for only property-owning males).

The fascinating thing about it all is that Facebook has led to the destruction of many friendships due to political arguments.  I've know a few people who have "de-friended" because of political posts.  Debates that would have never happened in "polite company". Instead, the instantaneous impulse and dramatic, over-the-top rhetoric allows one to learn more than you like about your "friends".

It doesn't help when "main stream" media type folks make comparisons between Hitler and Obama. I know peace activists might have done that with W - but no one took it seriously and it was never made by a talk show host that has millions of mind-numbing fans.

Did you know? Glenn Beck is a Mormon.  I just found that out the other day. It's true.

Anyway the point is - is that friends should repress any political discussion and pretend that differences don't exist.  

Well, that's not actually my point...my point is, is that people should put some thought into what they are writing before they post. Maybe they should think through what their post implies or what their "liking" something really means. Maybe we should all support basic human decency....like not wishing people dead.  I know, I'm a dreamer.

I haven't de-friended anyone, at least not yet......

Postscript Update: My comment was deleted.

Things I Excel At.....

• Conflict Avoidance
• Drawing (note: this is not an excessive excellence by most standards)
• Finding Short-cuts
• Reading Stuff (most of which others find boring)
• Remembering my dreams (this is maybe the only legitimate one so far)
• Eating Chinese Food

This really is blogging at its best, eh?

Detaching from the Spurs: Or How Buddhism Helped Me Ignore My Favorite Sports Team

One of the central tenets of Buddhism is it's belief that our suffering in life is caused by attachments. For example, you're attached to the idea of your car starting in the morning and when it doesn't - you suffer. The first step to removing suffering is to recognize suffering can be removed...(for those wondering these are the second and third "Noble Truths" of Buddhism).

Obligatory picture of the Buddha chilling

I came into this NBA season with high hopes. The Spurs looked to me (on paper at least) to be one of the 2-4 teams that could win the title. Boy, was I wrong....(maybe). Their big off season move (obtaining Jefferson for spare change) was a dud. Their improvements in offense was off set by poor defense. Of course there were a few injuries as well. Finally, they would follow up huge wins with inexplicable losses to terrible teams. Needless to say, they were probably pretty frustrating to watch this year.

I honestly wouldn't know though because I stopped watching after the second game.

I think I caught the 4th quarter of 2-3 additional games. That's it. That's all I watched. This is coming from the guy who actually bought the 12 disc "Spurs Dynasty" DVD set (yes, it's cool, and yes, it should have been put together better).

It's not like I purposely set out to detach...I just grew away from it all. We don't have cable, so most of the time it was easy to forget about the NBA almost entirely. I would catch highlights and read the paper but that was about it. Just going with the flow....

As the year has winded down, the Spurs improved, letting in small rays of hope around the Spurs Nation. Surprisingly, Hollinger (over at ESPN) has the spurs ranked #2 due to their point differential. Maybe somewhere in the dark corners of my heart I felt it too, but it wasn't the same....I had detached.

My fandom has given me years of pleasure, but more often than not, it has given me pain. I can never forget the adolescent heartbreak of 91', the crushing conference final slap down in 95' or the beat downs administered by the Lakers in 01' & 02'. Need I mention the worst of the worst? No, real fans know what I speak of.

The Buddha had it right....it's easier just to let go.

So, I sit typing on the eve of the NBA playoffs....feeling calm, serene and pleased to know that sports, while a fun distraction, are not important in the big scheme of things.

Of course, if they beat the Mavs - I'll have to rethink that whole attachment thing again.

Introductory Introduction

I am naturally scattered.

I dream up projects, paintings, writing projects, trips, etc. I rarely follow through or at least I don't finish them.

I have had several blog ideas the past few years. I had an idea to create a blog centered on my random scribbles, paintings, comics, etc, another blog centered on biblical commentary
(I've been in the fifth chapter of Matthew for at least a year now) and a world religions blog.

After some reflection I have decided to do neither and all of them at the same time.

I might post a picture of a current art project or something I've written from a long time ago, a funny or interesting photo I take here at the house, a sketch of an idea...whatever....

This might be unorganized but hey, that's what the tags will be for.

If I write something, it will be posted here. Just don't expect too much. I'll probably abandon it sooner or later.