My Bookshelf is the Story of my Life

I started cleaning out my bookshelf the other night and realized that many of the books on my shelves tell a story about my life the last few years. Here are a few random ones (not in any particular order):


Beowulf - I have this one from my graduate literature class I enrolled in for promotion at work. Out of all the books I could have chosen, I chose this. I thought a mythic, legendary tale would be fun. Boy, was I wrong. The book is boring. Not just boring, though, it's a disappointing, mind-numbing, "how is this a classic book?" boring. The type of boring that you think will eventually end (I mean, I knew the general outline of the book, I was just waiting for stuff to happen).  I actually never finished it, even though I wrote a ten page paper on it.

Totally cool, right? What you don't know is the action scenes amount to a paragraph and the boasting and summarizing goes on for pages.

The Book of Mormon - About four years ago two Mormon girls came to my door to convert me.   My wife and kids weren't home so I was game.  After having some fun, I still wanted "The Book" being that I didn't have it and was interested (but not in the way they wanted me to be "interested").  I was supposed to promise to pray to God to reveal to me if it was true. I told them I would pray but not that prayer. I told them I wanted it because I was interested in all religions - Buddhism, Islam, etc. Also very boring...no disrespect, but the whole thing is also, well, silly.


The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang - A true story that is  powerful, sad, violent, and insane.  It shows the dark side of humanity at its very worst.  I read this in preparation for a World Literature/World Cultures class a colleague and I were planning to teach. We were excited as the class would be partially focused on food. I even made a kick-ass poster. Guess how many students enrolled in the class? One. Just one lousy student. Well, the class never happened and my colleague shortly left the college. Needless to say, The Rape of Nanking is an amazing read (and very depressing).


Moon (travel) Handbook: Nepal - In the winter of 2007 I planned a trip to Nepal. I was even accepted into a program to help in an orphanage in Kathmandu for a week in June of 2008. I started an ambitious plan to save money and I was pumped. In the meantime, we got pregnant, my best friend got engaged (and promptly asked us to attend the wedding, which was out of state). I decided I shouldn't/couldn't go to Nepal. I was sad but afterwards a weight was lifted off my chest. One day, I'd like to go.

I still look at this and sigh.....maybe some day.

Marvel Essential: Marvel Universe Volumes 1 & 2 - I love comic books. However reading encyclopedic entries of comic book heroes and villains is kinda stupid. Like trying to figure out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.  It makes for a great comfort read though. Perfect for a late night before bed when you have a lot on your mind or when you'll be awhile on the toilet.

The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne - I first discovered Shane Claiborne browsing at a Christian bookstore and found his amazing Jesus for President (I let a friend borrow it who lives in London two years ago and never got it back). After reading Jesus for President, I shortly bought this one. Both books just make you want to quit your job and do something crazy. I can't recommend it enough for anyone.  You'll be inspired to live an authentically Christian life that has everything to do with helping the poor, resisting nationalism and war, and transforming lives. Wonderful stuff. I am currently reading another book of his now, Follow me to Freedom.

The Jewish Study Bible (Oxford University Press) - So I started a free online class about the Hebrew Bible (taught by a Harvard professor). This was completely for my own education and enjoyment. I took copious notes during the lectures and read all my required reading. This particular Bible is awesome. The footnotes are what killed me. I couldn't stop reading them, even when I knew I should stop. I would have 20 chapters to read and it would take me weeks to get through it. I got about 8 weeks in (which took me 4 months to get through). I aced the mid-term although I declined writing the essay portion. I started reading again (somewhere in Leviticus) and just lost my own will to continue. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it just the footnotes did me in. That, and the fact that I starting reading other stuff in the middle of the class. It's still a great resource though.

Finally, and most importantly our growing library on Ethiopia and adoption...that is a unfinished story but of course, ongoing.

And with that, good night. Happy Holidays, to whomever is out there!

Weezer's Tragic Girl

Note: This is a Weezer-centric post, consider yourself warned.

Weezer's Pinkerton was re-issued last month and I can heartily recommend it to anyone interested in finding out what 1990's rock music was all about. Pinkerton Deluxe serves as a testament to the world that the song writing of Rivers Cuomo of the 1990's was only surpassed (in my humble opinion) by that of the Beatles in the mid-60's. It's a crazy argument that will get it's own post someday.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. Last spring the online community learned that there would be a track on the Deluxe edition of Pinkerton that had been recorded but unbelievably forgotten about. This was a huge shock, as Rivers had meticulously documented just about every song he ever wrote onto a spreadsheet. Even song fragments and chord progressions got documented. Here was a song that seemed to come out of nowhere. An un-heard b-side of that era, Getting Up and Leaving was already legendary. This was a revelation.

Weezer in 1996 - Weezer's always had a thing for weird photo shoots but back then the douche factor much lower. 

The unearthed song was titled "Tragic Girl" and instantly there was suspicion that it was a new song or a fragment that was being re-recorded. Even the title was denounced as sounding "post-Pinkerton" (a common reference in the online Weezer community, usually inferring inferiority of anything after 1996).

After a few weeks we finally received confirmation from the band's sixth man, Karl Koch. He stated it was indeed a lost track that was recorded when he was out of town and just completely forgotten about. The song was touched up in 2010, but Karl hinted the changes were less than 5% of the total song. Most importantly he said the song was good (at one point claiming it was "god X 1000...you think I'm kidding").

What made this so tantalizing was that Cuomo during the Pinkerton-era was at his most ambitious, most confident and most free. It was a dream come true for a Weezer fan.

As the release day finally approached I kept trying to keep my expectations down, thinking it was more than likely about as good as a demo or b-side of the era (which, is actually, pretty amazing). I kept thinking that it can't be that good if it was forgotten about.

When I finally heard the song, it just about blew my expectations out of the water. It was everything a lost-Pinkerton track should sound like. On the first listen, I smiled as the drums kicked in (God, I've missed this type of sound on a Weezer record). The guitars are messy and the lyrics are (at times) amazing. The song structure is non-typical and the guitar solo and musical interludes are a breath of fresh air from the cookie-cutter song writing approach Weezer has typically produced lately (with a few notable exceptions on The Red Album).

(That was a lot of parentheses in one paragraph)

This isn't Weezer, I just found it Googling Weezer pictures. Just look at 'em - some random band.  I'm a pacifist and this photo elicits violence in me. I want to send them a comb for Christmas.

The song centers on a relationship that is ending. As with all of Pinkerton-era songs, the lyrics are brutally honest. However, in this case the narrator isn't as sympathetic in his presentation of himself as he is on the album. In Pinkerton, Rivers presents himself as at various times, creepy, horny, obsessive and weird but the main theme of the album is unrequited love. We feel bad for Rivers in most of the songs. Only on the album's closer, Butterfly does the narrator finally accept most of the blame for his relationship problems.

In Tragic Girl, Cuomo is up-front that this withering relationship that is mostly physical for him "Even as I anoint your door, I'm looking out for something more". In fact, he's "...crying too - because no one else touches me like you do". In classic Cuomo fashion, he feels bad about it all, but covers it up, "I'll try my darnest to be a bastard, I want you to think I don't care."

It's this duality of men that women will never understand. "Look, I'm using you, but I feel really bad about."

He goes on to say to the woman, "You're a tragic girl, you lead a tragic life, I'm just meant to be your latest tragedy". Rivers recognizes something inherently sad about her. Maybe he knows she's just had a dramatic, sad life. Maybe it's just this specific relationship that's tragic. The point is, he loves her physically but deep down, he knows that she's just not right for him.

The apex of the song has Cuomo lamenting, "This ain't no butterfly girl, this ain't' butterfly love, I'm gonna have to be your latest tragedy".

Here is where I am having trouble with the song - I associate butterflies with child-like innocence, beauty, and fragility. Wouldn't that be the epitome of a tragic girl? Is he saying, "Look, you might be fragile and tragic and all that, but this was never some sort of deep, meaningful relationship to me"? Maybe he believes she was never "innocent" to begin with...I'm unsure.

It's a beautiful song. It's sung with so much conviction that it sounds like it hurts. It's a mixed emotional bag of a self-loathing, living in denial of who-I-am, sex-obsessed, recluse/rock star life.

I recently read a review of Pinkerton Deluxe that claimed Rivers was a "creepy jerk" (or something like that). I suppose there are some creepy parts...but that's what I love about it. It was brave. He's honest about who he was and what he was experiencing. He did not give in to the temptation we have of just telling others about the good side of us. Rivers showed us who he was - warts and all.

In doing so, we related to who he was -- what guy hasn't ever been creepy at one time or a total jerk to a nice girl? What guy hasn't gotten a little obsessive about someone that rejected him? We all go through this. It's part of growing up.

Many in the Weezer community were reminded that this is probably the last we'll ever hear of the late-great band that was. I don't feel sad at all - I'm just thankful for a little more 90's Weezer than I ever expected to hear. I got over what I wanted Weezer to be a long time ago. Yeah, it's disappointing, but why focus on the negatives? Without "crappy" Weezer today, this would still be rotting on a forgotten tape somewhere.

Just Being

A few weeks ago when the rest of my family was out of town on a Sunday, I went for a walk instead of church.

This made me happy because nature makes me feel more spiritual than going to church.

I can't exactly place my finger on why walking outdoors feels more comfortable or "spiritual" than going to church. It might be because I'm really a introvert who forced myself to be an extrovert. Maybe it's because when I'm walking I'm more interested in just being and experiencing rather than trying to rebut the sermon I'm listening to.

Life seems to make more sense outdoors. In the world I'm surrounded by doubt, drama at work, disappointment, and always searching for answers. Most of the time all my thinking just leads to more questions or unsatisfying answers. I don't mean to say my life is horrible - it's just that life out in the world often amounts to unsatisfying conclusions.

When I am in nature - it - no, I am different.


I'm more at peace with life, I'm more calm and relaxed. Even walking towards no destination I seem more purposeful.

Anyway, back to the walk I was talking about....after walking for about thirty minutes I sat down to pray and attempt to meditate. I was reminded by the wisdom of Daoism which sees nature not for what can be done with it, but seeks to emulate it in its very being. Nature doesn't seek answers. It doesn't worry or have any drama. It just is.

"Nature is not kind - It treats all impartially" - Dao De Jing

Sitting there I realized that everything of the world; the rat race, my doubts about God and myself seem so absurd and petty. Our answers are all right here in front of us. When I pray outside I feel closer to creation and my creator. I feel assurance - that there is a purpose for it all. Being busy and constantly doing things creates separation from the natural world or natural way of living.

As I sat down I first watched as a light wind came upon the trees around me like waves in the ocean. It was so quiet, I only heard the leaves rustling above and around me. No planes were overhead and the wind masked the far off highway as well. This solitary moment felt right. I meditated for a short while (honest disclosure: when I meditate, its only for a few seconds at a time). I then prayed for a long time for the first time in a long while.

I continued walking, moving wherever it struck my fancy. I prayed three separate times on that walk. Each prayer was for a long period of time followed by just walking and very little thinking. I wasn't so much asking for things in these prayers as I was just talking and expressing my hopes, concerns and dreams. Some might say I was talking to myself, and maybe that's what part of prayer is. The point is this experience away from church put me in tune with the divine more than church ever does. It was the salve for a tired-churched out guy.

Things I Discovered in College (1995-2000)

It's been awhile since I had a list, so, well, here's a list of things I discovered in college. It was the 90's and I had a blast finding out who I was.

Woody Allen
Art History
Liberal Politics
The Internet (remember it was 1995)
Beer
Self confidence
Matlock (seriously)
Painting
Not to play your music too loud when having a party
Serious Poetry (even if it was bad, I was serious about it)
the Beatles
Beer tastes pretty much the same after eight beers
Mistrust of authority
My first love (yes, a person if you are wondering)
Thai and Chinese food
Totino's frozen pizzas gets progressively worse with each pizza bought
Women were more confusing than I had imagined
Personal and profound loss
Learning could be challenging and fun
That I was okay with who I was

Letting Go

I had these big ideas for this post but instead just keep rambling. Considering this post is all about letting go, I decided just to post what I got. :)


I was coming home from work the other day and I read a church sign that simply stated, "God is in Control". At first I imagined a mad man reacting in total defiance of the sign and slamming his car into the car next to him. Yeah, that's my first thought.

Beyond this transitory insane thought, I began to ponder the whole idea of giving up control and gaining something else far more satisfying back. It seems at the bottom of every belief system (or for that matter some non-belief systems) the first step is to give up control of your life.

"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it." - Jesus as quoted in Luke 17:33


The whole idea of control stands firmly in the way of a walking a spiritual path because giving up control means giving up your own pride. It means admitting that you don't know what's best for you. It means letting something (or someone) else determine your ultimate fate.

 I figured it was time for a cheesy, inspirational photo symbolizing all of our spiritual paths. Often I find symbols to be too idealistic, causing myself to wonder if I am even on a spiritual journey at all. So, if you find yourself looking at the above photo and wondering if you are "spiritual" or not, the answer is to stop over-thinking it and just enjoy the photo.  

I'm the first person to admit the dangers of reading too far into our past history. Then again, to not give meaning to the past, means we can't even understand our own narratives. So, with significant doubt (and wonder) I can look back at my life and begin to see I was in denial of how much control I even had at the time. I can look back and see what some would call fate, luck, or I would call God's fingerprints all over my past.

I can firmly say my wife Kathryn and I feel we have been led to this time and this place in our lives. As we travel the road of adoption together, we feel like we have had our hearts opened and this is where God had been leading us all along. We let go of a lot of fears and doubts and (so far) have gained much in the process.

Strangely enough though, it doesn't feel like an end point. I don't mean necessarily we are done adopting (that's an open door) but we feel like we have open hearts for what God wants us to do. We don't have any firm ideas right now as we are (well, for lack of a better word) entrenched in our adoption process. We are open to any number of scary, exciting, crazy paths for our lives to become. This doesn't mean anything will happen soon or even that it has to wind up me leaving my job. I am just trying to let go of dictating my own future.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

So in this intermission of sorts (although, it doesn't feel like any kind of intermission I know about) I want to just wait and listen.  I want to ask God for where he wants us to serve. It's a crazy idea really. Letting go of my dream job, financial security and family expectations. Letting go of the comfortable "good life" and embracing the unknown. Letting go may not be easy, but it will sure keeps you on your toes.

The Earthly Self vs. The Eternal Self

The concept of eternity is hard to imagine. After all, nothing lasts forever.

Change seems to be the singular, consistent force in the world. Our life spans reflect the natural, seasonal change that surrounds us all. We even thrive within change. Our hopes and dreams are shaped by the ticking of the clock.

A Christian's ultimate goal is usually stated as "heaven". Paul believed life was best lived focused on the afterlife.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - Paul in 2nd Corinthians 4 


Traditionally, Christianity has not emphasized the transitory nature of life, but focused on the eternal resting place of our souls. It is understood our time on earth will only represent a fraction of a second compared to our eternal existence.

Courtesy of Google when I searched "heaven". Just tickled this exists. Amazing.

Eternal life, heaven, whatever you want to call it, is a warm and appealing idea. Surely, everlasting life is humanity's greatest wish fulfillment. To step outside of time and become reunited with all our dead loved ones is the greatest hope one could possibly imagine. It makes this earthly suffering tolerable.

No doubt there are positive aspects in helping people realize the eternal. In doing so, some turn to view themselves as part of a larger plan or seek spiritual answers within their lives. However, many have posited that Christianity has overemphasized the afterlife to the determent of our lives on earth.

"The Christian religion and morality extols the glory of the Hereafter, and therefore remains indifferent to the horrors of the earth. Indeed, the idea of self-denial and of all that makes for pain and sorrow is its test of human worth, its passport to the entry into heaven." - Emma Goldman


The quote bites because, in too many cases it has been the true.

A few years ago I was surfing the channels and came upon Dr. Jack Van-Impe's stupefying television program (this is a one-stop show for laughs, Bible cherry-picking and fear-mongering). In this particular show, Van-Impe claimed that not only was global warming a hoax perpetrated by Al Gore, but that we could take comfort that even if it was real, "Jesus would be back soon" and it didn't really matter.

Just dawned on me that he goes by "Dr." Totally great way of getting some cheap creditability (speaking of creditability, posting ridiculous or bad photos of them is a cheap way to discredit someone.....but it's too fun not to). 

I'm not claiming most Christians think this way, just that it was an extreme example of focusing on the afterlife, rather than focusing on life here on earth.

Focusing on heaven narrows one's focus in our spiritual vision. If Christianity is reduced to just a personal relationship with Jesus and my personal salvation - how do others fit into the picture? Is it okay for the church to focus on eternal salvation while the rest of the world rots in a worldly hell?

"What, in fact, is the Absurd Man? He who, without negating it, does nothing for the eternal. Assured of his temporally limited freedom, of his revolt devoid of future, and of his mortal consciousness, he lives out his adventure within the span of his lifetime..." - Albert Camus


I don't mean to say Christians should agree with all of the above quote. Nor should we ever stop talking about the afterlife - it's just we shouldn't miss Camus' point.  The church needs to do a better job by focusing on our impermanence rather than the eternal soul. Our pastor recently said something that I have felt for a long time, "My goal isn't to get into heaven - but to be like Jesus". It's about being, not obtaining. Life is about the process not the end goal.

If we are focused on being like Jesus then people will be forced to notice. By focusing on the impermanence of life, we might actually increase the "harvest" of the eternal.

Coming and Going

I suppose I have been going with the flow a little too much as it's been over a month and I haven't blogged a bit.

I worked a bit on some blog entries but have found myself more interested in reading than writing lately.

Blogs Coming at Some Point in the Future (and their current status)

Title: The Earthly Self vs. The Eternal Self 
Status:  This one is an ambitious one so it's taking a bit of time...about 30-40% finished.

Title: The Christian and the Nation
Status: Wrote an introduction. That's it. I want to write it, just have to see if I get inspired.

Title: Untitled (on Weezer's amazing album, Pinkerton)
Status: Wrote a paragraph, didn't save it as I was unhappy with it.  About 60% sure it will happen.

Title: The Smell of Laundry or the Joys of Being an Adult
Status: Half written in my head during a recent walk outside. I may have written a sentence but stopped...pretty sure this one will get done and since it's easy it will probably happen sooner rather than later.

Title: Art Post #3
Status: Just have to stop being lazy and take a photo of a drawing I did last year. Look, it was last year but it's REALLY cool. It's a copy of from one of my favorite childhood books about trolls. (yes, trolls, I said).

Ok, this was helpful, two of these are easy...so my goal is to finish at least one of these before the month ends. I gotta watch Steve Browne...goodnight