The Lost Forest at 40

I used to have a lot of friends. In fact from my senior year of high school until my mid-30's, I probably had too many friends to keep proper track of.  If you will indulge me, think of my friends as a large forest.

There were a good share of small brush (casual friends), trees (good friends) and some older, tall friends (friends I had for years, some since I was a child).

But now that I'm pushing 40; things have changed. It's true that people move and people change. Also, there's our familial duties and responsibilities.  It's hard to be good friends with anyone, when everyone is so busy with work and their families. I have made all the excuses in the world about this phase of my life being "natural" or "normal" but I've noticed what used to be a robust forest is now barren with only few decaying trees around me.  


One by one, year by year, I lost trees. At least one was a tree lost in a lightening strike, but most died due to a drought or neglect. Most of my "new" friends are shrubs and are pretty much destined to be just that. I have a hard time connecting to anyone really.

Here's the run down:

One friend I used to hang out with in graduate school days but he moved away soon after he was married and we had nothing much in common anyway. He moved back a few years ago but as I said we never really had much in common to begin with except beer. But the beer was good, man.

One friend got mad at me because of a political argument in 2006 and he has refused to forgive me even though I never made a personal remark during in the argument. I have repeatably asked to be forgiven for any insult implied and explicitly stated over the years to apologize....all to no avail. However, I am done asking as he obviously isn't worth the effort or time.

In 2010, I told one friend we were adopting from Ethiopia and he was like, "Oh". Then we proceeded to talk about Obamacare and got into a fight. We have spoken since then but he lives in another city and it's never been the same since then. I don't think it's personal, but then again, I don't really know. I lost his phone number years ago and he never calls or texts.  I don't think I've seen him in at least 6 years. He occasionally likes photos I post of my kids on FB. 

One friend cannot be bothered to leave his family or ESPN. Even to maintain friendships. I saw him at his father's funeral 3 years ago and that was the only time I had seen him in the six years. I did exchange congrats for his Cubs win in the World Series. I also deleted one of his comments on one of my FB posts about race and police brutality back in the fall. That's pretty much our relationship....nothing.

I lost contact with another friend (he was never a big talker anyway). He moved away, I lost his number and he never contacted me on FB or my phone and I never contacted him. Now it would just feel awkward and I have no idea what we would talk about.

One couple that both my wife and I liked at church moved to another state two years ago. We really liked them. We visited them last spring break (and again in the summer on the way back home from a trip) but again, we won't be seeing them much in our day-to-day lives. 

Another couple that we love at church is moving to Brazil in the winter. The husband is one of two men I have actually connected with at church (the other one is described above and already moved).

My best friend at work is moving to the west coast this summer to be near his partner. I am really bummed about that. I have other friends at work, but he's the one I joke around with the most and we both share a love of free food. It just won't be the same.


Another is still a friend but we haven't been in contact at all since the summer (they were invited to the Xmas party but his kids were sick). The last time I saw him in person was a lunch last spring. He is the one friend that even read this blog at one time but again, he's busy with church family and family family and I suppose there just ain't much time left over. There's really no hard feelings on many of these friendships, but it's hard to say they are friendships when I never talk to most of them.

I do have one friend, my former best man at my wedding. We do actually talk and even occasionally hang out, but it's not often. He's really my only "active" friend.

Another friend lives in NYC and he visits when he is in town, but that's only a few times a year.

I do have a good friend at work but she is female and I can't be having drinks with her late at night or watch a Spurs game with (she's not much of a sports fan). I can never really get too close with a female anyway as I know I don't want a "best" female friend, as I am married. Hey, I ain't no Mike Pence here - we have gone to lunch, but there has to be boundaries and I respect them.  
 

I have a bunch of friends at work and church who I am friendly with, but I am not really, "real" friends with. I like many of these people but there's always something there to separate them from becoming a good friend. I am a weird guy, so I can't really blame them.

So my big forest is gone and some of the new trees that had been planted are being ripped up and moving out of my forest.

I know all of this sounds pathetic, and it is....but sometimes a guy has to vent into the void (ya know, the internet). A void that will go on for nearly forever, but still a void. And the good thing about a void is that it just takes it.


It's a strange place to be but I can't complain all that much.

I am in love with the love of my life and I have three amazing kids. I love my job and I like most of my co-workers. My parents and in-laws are alive and healthy and my family is in decent financial shape. Oh yeah, we belong to a church that loves us.

I do have a few friends left....and some of those decaying trees could get healthy again. My forest is not in good shape, but I have hope spring will come some day.